How to dump a friend?

[InLoveForSure]

Hi everyone!

 

I am looking for some advice on how to end a friendship? Nothing major has happened in the friendship, which makes this even harder.

 

I have just been realizing over the past year or so that this girl is not the kind of person I want to spend time with anymore. She is bossy and rude- and admits to it! I am just changing in a lot of ways, and find that she is not fitting in to the type of lifestyle that I want for myself.

 

I am very non-confrontational, so lately I have just been blowing her off, hoping she will take the hint. But she hasnt. How do I do this?? I dont want to hurt her feelings, but I just dont really want to be her friend anymore.

 

Any advice?

[Tony T]

There is no great way to end a friendship. Although most people do just what your doing, blowing the other person off until they get the hint, it seems she is not getting it.

 

The next best thing is to send her a letter letting her know that you are moving in a different direction in life and that you do not have the time or energy to put into a friendship with her anymore. You have no control over her feelings so you cannot hurt them. Only she can hurt her feelings.

 

It's far better to let people know exactly what you think of them and precisely where they stand than to jerk them around and keep them guessing.

 

I know you're a very nice person and writing a letter like this will be difficult but it is very necessary. It's a way you can get your point across and be non-confrontational.

 

If after the letter she continues annoying you, it will be a lot more easy to tell her face to face to get out of your life. But a letter should take care of it just fine.

[midori]

I've got to disagree with Tony on this one. For a couple of reasons.

 

There's a theory, a la Albert Ellis, that each individual controls how they feel, decides whether or not to allow someone else's behavior to affect them. That's a nice theory, but I don't think it holds true -- not with people we're close to anyway. If a stranger on the subway tells me he thinks I'm a fat ugly idiot, well yeah, I wouldn't put much weight on that since he's utterly irrelevant to me and my life.

 

But rejection from someone you consider a friend is a much different thing. When your genuine emotions are involved -- however deluded they might be -- you're going to get hurt by rejection from a friend or a lover. Thus the saying "you always hurt the ones you love." Yes, we're all responsible for ourselves and our reactions to insult & injury. But part of being in a relationship with someone -- whether a friendship, a romance or a familial relationship -- is being responsible TO them as well. Leave the room if you can't stand the company, but must you tread on their feet on your way out?

 

I think a letter would be harsh. I think it would be a cold, abrupt way to get your message across. And it's the kind of thing that could come back to haunt you. Who knows where you'll be five years from now? What if you encounter this woman again, would you want there to be animosity between you?

 

If you've got a beef with her, that's one thing. But it sounds like you don't have a specific issue to address with her, you've just decided she's not worth your time anymore. Fair enough. I think that just not being available to her is the best way to go. She will figure things out sooner or later. How much does it cost you to not return phone calls or to decline invitations?

 

If SHE presses the issue, and asks you what's up, then yeah, tell her that you just don't feel the two of you click these days, and you're really busy on top of that. I'd still try to give her some room to save face, I wouldn't come out and say, "y'know Liz you're one of the most obnoxius people I know and I just don't want to be your friend anymore."

 

You're not trying to make her your enemy, right? You just don't want to hang out with her anymore. So stop hanging out with her, but don't make her feel like you're hanging her out to dry. The harsher you are, the worse her feelings will be hurt.

[Stuck]

I rarely feel that writing a letter is a good idea when it comes to breaking up with someone, announcing feelings, etc. That sort of thing can, and sometimes does, come back to haunt you. Don't put it in writing. If you feel you have to let her know, at least gently let her know to her face.

 

I had the same thing several years ago - my best friend and I were just not on the same level anymore. I had moved abroad and was living (at least to me) an extremely interesting adventure. She was still in our hometown and a trip to the mall in the nearest big city gave her something to talk about for days. Or at least I thought so; maybe she wasn't as shallow as I thought at the time, but I just felt like we had little in common and that she was bringing me down.

 

Finally - we just had a fight and never spoke again. I don't clearly remember, but I think she finally showed some interest in the country I had been living in for like three years already and asked "what language do you speak there? do you have roads and stuff?" and I was like, "You know, I can't believe you don't know this already...your world is so small...you claim to be my best friend but you don't know the slightest details about where I've chosen to live..."

 

It was all downhill from there. I haven't spoken to her or seen her in years. I regret that it ended that way. I actually sort of regret that it ended. Maybe you should just continue to distance yourself from your friend and let some time go by. I don't think it's necessary to cut off a friendship completely. You can never have too many friends.

[Debster]

I think a letter is quite harsh seeing as there hasn't been a fight, it's just that you don't want to spend time with her anymore.

 

I'd just minimize any contact with her and if she confonts you as to why, tell her in a sensitive way that you think your lives are going in two different directions.

[Tony T]

Different people respond in different ways.

 

The original poster wrote: "I am very non-confrontational, so lately I have just been blowing her off, hoping she will take the hint. But she hasnt. How do I do this??"

 

In my opinion, the most non-confrontational way is a letter. If this lady can't take a hint, she needs to be dealt with more directly. I don't think letters have to be harsh, although I admit they can be.

 

If this lady can't take verbal hints, a letter is a good alternative for a person who doesn't like confrontation. This lady may not be an auditory type, therefore she doesn't respond well to verbal cues. Perhaps she is more visual and a letter would be more satisfactory.

 

I give the original poster enough credit to know just what it will take. He wrote specifically that "she is bossy and rude"...so why does she deserve such overwhelming consideration? She needs to be blown off swiftly and efficiently.

 

I hate to see so much time spent on commenting on other people's posts. I know I seldom if ever do that and usually it relates to bad medical information another poster has given. A more productive use of the board is to set forth specific recommendations and let the advice seeker take what he or she feels is appropriate.

 

Commenting on other people's posts takes the focus off the problem.

 

By the way, writing a letter very well may be wrong. It's worked for me, though. When I want to terminate a relationship, that's what I have in mind. If he person get really pissed, I don't care...I only want to get the job done. I act immediately and directly.

 

The man who made this post did so, I'm sure, because he is frustrated and all civil attempts at getting this friend out of his life have not worked. I think he ought to seriously weigh writing a letter...as well as all other alternatives mention by other posters.

 

Only he knows best.

[InLoveForSure]

Thanks to all who responded here.

 

I actually found it quite interesting to read the various opinions, it has given me a clearer perspective on my options, and the effects my actions will have.

 

Thanks again to all of you!!

 

PS- Just for record- I am female!