Friend, shotgun wedding, conflict

[persistant]

I need opinions from others.

 

My girlfriend and I have been friends for 5 years.

We have been through hell and back and we both know each other quite well.

 

She has been married 6 times since she was a teenager, she has had several relationships in the past 2 years (including FWB).

She has custody of 2 children (ages 10 & 8) and the youngest is a special needs child.

She has been diagnosed with mild bi-polar, she is co-dependent and has suffered from abusive relationships her whole entire life. She has a history of drug and alcohol abuse when she was younger during her days as an exotic dancer (10 years).

 

So the delimia is:

She met a man online approx. 6 months ago. They didn't have communications very often during those 6 months. She told me she wasn't really attracted to him. I listened and watched her go through man after man (intimately)before she chose to meet this man.

 

They deceided to meet recently.

He lives 3 1/2 hours away.

He drove to her the first meeting (1st weekend). He stayed with her and her children on that weekend and he slept with her.

The following weekend (2nd weekend together) she went to his place with her kids. She met his son (6 years).

The 3rd weekend after that he came to her place and that is when I met him. We all went out to the club. He had never been in a dance club before and stood nonsocialable and out of place.

The 4th weekend she went up to see him and came back with a engagement ring and turned around and packed up some things and headed back to his place a couple days later.

The 5th weekend she was mostly moved.

She returned the following weekend to get the rest of her belongings and do her checkout.

 

Now they are getting married in Sept. (in 5 months). No she is not pregnant.

 

During all these shotgun actions I had been advising her to slow down.

I had been telling her that they don't know each other well enough to make such a quick decision.. I advised her several times to give it a year of dating to see how they deal with each other and how they work through challenges that come up.

 

But nothing I said did she listen too. She is 34 and he is 28. He has only been clean from Meth for 4 years. (I give him credit on that).

According to her his parents and grandmother are supporting and encouraging them to get married and that it was their encourangement that she move up there and live with him.

 

She asked me to be her matron-of-honor. I told her I would if they were still together and doing well. (what could I say?? I can't shut her out in case she needs me down the road if problems arise!)

 

I care about her and am very concerned. I've had to detach myself from her situation because it was causing me personal distress and ruining the quality of my life.

 

She calls me today telling me she dropped her engagement ring off today to get resized and that his mother and grandmother went with her and she bought her wedding dress.

She boasted how beautiful it is and how great she will look in it.

I responded "ok" expecting her to tell me more and she snapped at me for not being enthusiastic about her wedding.

 

I told her I wasn't emotionally connected to her joy because I'm not really apart of their courtship and or the planning of the wedding.

I asked her how I was suppose to be excited and express that for her when I'm not emotionally connected to any of it?

She snapped at me over and over (at one point she attacked me by telling me everything isnt about me) until she hung up on me.

 

I have a friend who said that she is expecting too much from me and that my concerns are real.

 

Can anyone here give me their opinion regarding this situation?

 

Am I wrong for being honest about not being emotionally joyful for her when she is rushing into marriage so fast?

They've only actually known each other for 5 weeks before she fully moved in with him.

 

how I can I be totally supportive when I believe she is in co-dependency overload and can't even see reality.. I believe she is living in a fairy-tale illusion and her cinderella story has a very good chance of crashing hard.

 

Rarely do situations like this work..

What am I suppose to do be a fake?

[whichwayisup]

Wow, this is a scary situation...Your friend has some serious issues and seems she hasn't learned to slow down and really get to know someone before taking the plunge.

 

Sadly, nothing you can do or say is going to stop her from going ahead with her wedding..I say just go and try to be happy for her. When the time comes this all goes down hill (and it will) you can offer her help by taking her to a therapist..Because that is what she needs...She's repeating patterns over and over again without learning and making the same mistakes.

 

Your friend is right, this woman friend of yours IS putting alot on you, so for your own sanity, try to stay detached.

 

Hope this helps!!

[persistant]

you can offer her help by taking her to a therapist..Because that is what she needs...She's repeating patterns over and over again without learning and making the same mistakes.

 

I've tried to get her to see a therapist before, she won't. She talks the talk but doesn't follow through with the walk.

She gets herself distracted with little rush's in life (like a new flirt) to kill her pain and avoid facing reality.

 

 

Being disconnected emotionally from her choices is whats causing the issue. I can't express joy in my voice when listening and responding to her. I also can't give her the words she expects to hear. If I did I would be lying to her and living a lie myself.

 

If she is happy, I am happy she is happy. I'm glad she is feeling those feelings. My fear is when she realizes (hopefully she doesn't) she made a mistake she will expect me to help bail her out and I can't do that.. (financially).

[whichwayisup]

My fear is when she realizes (hopefully she doesn't) she made a mistake she will expect me to help bail her out and I can't do that.. (financially).

 

If/when that happens, you tell you can support her by listening etc, but not $$ wise. She is NOT your responsibility and when it comes to money she should be looking to family members, not you. She can't expect friends to keep bailing her out, especially financially..That's ALOT of ask.

[persistant]

If/when that happens, you tell you can support her by listening etc, but not $$ wise. She is NOT your responsibility and when it comes to money she should be looking to family members, not you. She can't expect friends to keep bailing her out, especially financially..That's ALOT of ask.

 

Sorry. I went to bed after my last reply...

 

She has no family members. (well any that she has a real relationship with)

I believe that is one of the huge reasons why she clings to me. I'm the only REAL friend she has ever had and I'm the only one who has been there for her since we meet.

 

I can't help her financially. I can only listen. She knows this. Yet, she still expects me to be bubbley when she is happy. I just don't have it in me with this situation because I think she is rushing too fast.

So in turn, she acts immature. Which sets off my need to fix and I know I can't allow myself to do that. I have been working on my own co-dependentcy for several years and I fight to not get emotionally involved and yet I still do in a way.

 

Thanks for your support WWIU.

[SoulSearch_CO]

If co-dependency is something you're struggling with so hard, maybe you should be in therapy so you have the strength to just DEAL with what's going on without having to FIX it. The plus to this would be that you can vent all your frustrations about the situation to the therapist (or come and do that here).

 

With somebody like that, they only live in the moment. She's ecstatically happy in the moment and is not looking down the road at what will happen. She is not looking at the past at the mistakes she has already made. She can't understand why you wouldn't be happy for her because isn't that what friends do - be happy for each other?

 

I may choose to not agree with the choice somebody makes, but that doesn't mean I can make the choice for them. And BELIEVE ME, this is something I get SO frustrated about. I just want to SHAKE THEM and wake them up. I totally get where you're coming from - I really do. Because I'm the same way. I tend to feel too much for people and can wish all I want that I can "save" them. But it's just simply not possible. You have to stand back and let them trip and fall in the mud.

 

Let her make her own choices. She's happy RIGHT NOW - does that not make you happy? Is that not what you want for her (to be happy)? Then focus on that and let her worry about the future. Above all, when it DOES fall to crap (which, let's be realistic, we know has about a 90% possibility of happening), be the one person in her life that loves her in spite of her stupid choices. NEVER carry the "I told you so" attitude because it looks like you really are the only constant in her life. It's going to rock her world (in a bad way) when it falls apart - she will have never seen it coming. Some people are just like that.

 

Support her, love her, tell her you are happy that SHE is happy (never saying that you're happy about her choices) and leave it at that. No matter how much we wish it, we can never save people from making painful choices. I would never tell you to lie to her - if she asks your opinion about her choices, by all means - TELL HER. But it's still possible to love and support somebody in spite of their choices.

 

And when the day comes that it falls apart, you'll have to do one of the hardest things ever - support her in learning a painful lesson. Do what you can and hold strong in what you cannot (help financially). Lend a sympathetic ear, but be firm that you are incapable of helping financially. If she chooses to hate you because of it, just think of yourself as a parent. She'll hate you in that moment of "no," but will eventually come around.

 

If, when it falls apart, you do give in and help financially (in spite of knowing that you really CAN'T), she will have learned nothing and the cycle will repeat itself. Anyway - good luck. I totally understand your situation because I'd feel the same way you do.

[persistant]

If co-dependency is something you're struggling with so hard, maybe you should be in therapy so you have the strength to just DEAL with what's going on without having to FIX it. The plus to this would be that you can vent all your frustrations about the situation to the therapist (or come and do that here).

 

With somebody like that, they only live in the moment. She's ecstatically happy in the moment and is not looking down the road at what will happen. She is not looking at the past at the mistakes she has already made. She can't understand why you wouldn't be happy for her because isn't that what friends do - be happy for each other?

 

I may choose to not agree with the choice somebody makes, but that doesn't mean I can make the choice for them. And BELIEVE ME, this is something I get SO frustrated about. I just want to SHAKE THEM and wake them up. I totally get where you're coming from - I really do. Because I'm the same way. I tend to feel too much for people and can wish all I want that I can "save" them. But it's just simply not possible. You have to stand back and let them trip and fall in the mud.

 

Let her make her own choices. She's happy RIGHT NOW - does that not make you happy? Is that not what you want for her (to be happy)? Then focus on that and let her worry about the future. Above all, when it DOES fall to crap (which, let's be realistic, we know has about a 90% possibility of happening), be the one person in her life that loves her in spite of her stupid choices. NEVER carry the "I told you so" attitude because it looks like you really are the only constant in her life. It's going to rock her world (in a bad way) when it falls apart - she will have never seen it coming. Some people are just like that.

 

Support her, love her, tell her you are happy that SHE is happy (never saying that you're happy about her choices) and leave it at that. No matter how much we wish it, we can never save people from making painful choices. I would never tell you to lie to her - if she asks your opinion about her choices, by all means - TELL HER. But it's still possible to love and support somebody in spite of their choices.

 

And when the day comes that it falls apart, you'll have to do one of the hardest things ever - support her in learning a painful lesson. Do what you can and hold strong in what you cannot (help financially). Lend a sympathetic ear, but be firm that you are incapable of helping financially. If she chooses to hate you because of it, just think of yourself as a parent. She'll hate you in that moment of "no," but will eventually come around.

 

If, when it falls apart, you do give in and help financially (in spite of knowing that you really CAN'T), she will have learned nothing and the cycle will repeat itself. Anyway - good luck. I totally understand your situation because I'd feel the same way you do.

 

Well said!! Thank you.

 

As for myself, I have been thinking about counceling (again). Mostly, because I don't have anyone to really talk to about issues like this. I have one close friend left living here and I can't burden that person with every thought and emotion. Thats too much to put on and expect from one person.

Being middle age makes it hard to meet people who are equal to my situation in life. Not to mention being able to get out with other people to meet other people is difficult. I need someone to talk to and I know it. (its why I broke down== after a few years being mostly inactive on LS== to vent and seek affirmation of thoughts about this girlfriend and how I feel about her choices.

 

Thanks much.

[mental_traveller]

I'm going to side with your friend here. She is 34 not 14. I am going to ask, knowing her as well as you do, why on earth are you expecting her to act "responsibly"?

 

You chose to be good friends with a bi-polar co-dependent former stripper who goes through men like a knife through butter. What the heck did you expect - that she would take a cautious, considered attitude to relationships?

 

If someone acts like X for years, it's pretty dumb to suddenly expect them to start acting like Y, just because you act like Y.

 

IMO either stop being friends with her or just accept her as she is, learn to deal with it, and stop criticizing her for acting in her nature.

[persistant]

I'm going to side with your friend here. She is 34 not 14. I am going to ask, knowing her as well as you do, why on earth are you expecting her to act "responsibly"?

 

You chose to be good friends with a bi-polar co-dependent former stripper who goes through men like a knife through butter. What the heck did you expect - that she would take a cautious, considered attitude to relationships?

 

If someone acts like X for years, it's pretty dumb to suddenly expect them to start acting like Y, just because you act like Y.

 

IMO either stop being friends with her or just accept her as she is, learn to deal with it, and stop criticizing her for acting in her nature.

 

Wow this was harsh...

 

Its not nature, its the way she was nurtured growing up that she chose bad directions. She didn't know any better!

 

I have watched her grow and make changes in her life over the past 5 years.

She HAS been doing well very for herself in the last few.

 

I've been very proud of her and so have other people for her taking more responsibility with her life.

 

People can change and do change when they recognise truth and choose too make changes to better their lives.

Possitve changes are easier when a person has support from those he/she is close too.

I have been the consistant one in supporting her and I have always been here for her.

 

She has been involved with a lot of men. This one came along and she lost all sense of caution and reality. (AS if, she fell off the wagon!)

 

Marriage is a huge step. With both of them having small children they aren't setting a good example for their children about decision making and patience. As well as disrupting their lives so abruptly. Its a shock to anyone close to the situation. Especially those children.

 

Just because someone makes bad choices doesn't mean they should be gave up on..

 

I can't control her decisions.

I can as a friend, on the outside and knowing her as well as I do, put caution in front of her when she has lost her sense of reality and boundries.

 

I know where she is... I almost did what she is doing several years ago.. I had enough people to slow me down and also enough sense to know what the future could bring should I make such a commitment so hastly.

 

Friends are suppose to help us grow, support the good in out lives and help us to become wise and good people. (Just as our family's do).. If I become a flake and allow her to walk into a den of wolves what kind of friend would I be??

 

I love her like a little sister and her children are like my nephews.

Fairytales are just fairytales.. 5 weekends of dating doesn't constitute reality of what the real relationship will be in 1 year.

[bean1]

This is a very unfortunate situation for these children. Is child protective services involved? This is not a proper home for children. Men coming in and out of a home leaves them extremely vulnerable to abuse and molestation. She is 34, expect her to be a grandmother by 40 because these children have no model of guidelines and boundaries. I know she is your friend, but you can't possible watch this and think that she is providing a safe environment for children.

[persistant]

This is a very unfortunate situation for these children. Is child protective services involved? This is not a proper home for children. Men coming in and out of a home leaves them extremely vulnerable to abuse and molestation. She is 34, expect her to be a grandmother by 40 because these children have no model of guidelines and boundaries. I know she is your friend, but you can't possible watch this and think that she is providing a safe environment for children.

 

She and I have spoken about this also. And some of the responses she's gotten from one of her children shook her up a bit.

 

she is a stay at home mom. She had a job and was wrongfully terminated and has drawn unemployement. She was a stay at home mom before she worked.

She rarely leaves her children. She spends A LOT of time with them.

She has had her one child in counceling. the other is handicapp so it would do him much good with his challenges. He doesn't comprehend too much.

Her activities were after the kids went to bed. Otherwise the kids only really knew these guys as her friends who hung out to watch movies with them and other active recreational activities adults do with children--bowling, basketball, waterpark, shopping, zoo, picnics, movies, roller skating.

 

I believe she wants to settle down in life with one man and be happy. Most of the men who've come into her life have used her and dumped her all too frequently. She's beautiful, smart, and a good mom to her kids! She really is.

She just doesn't make the best choices for herself. She's moving too fast with this young guy.

I can bet a year after their marriage she is complaining about his faults, flaws, and how irritated she is with him.

The one time I met him, I gathered he is overly laid back, he doesn't talk much, smiles too much, she tells him what to do and he does it.

I think she is going to complain that he doesn't hold his own without her telling him what to do.

 

She has her head in the clouds.

And, her children think this is paradise because of her making such a big ordeal about how wonderful of a life they are going to have.

 

Since the second weekend up there she began to remodel his house, and now she's doing that and focusing on the wedding.

 

I'd bet she isn't very wide eyed about the relationship with him and their compatability.

 

 

I pray to GOD that I am wrong and this is the best relationship she has ever had in her life. I really hope that this is what she has been looking for. I hope my fears and my opinions are wrong..

 

She is going to do what she is going to do.

She already moved so I have no leverage.

 

All I can do is watch, pray and wait.

[skmonia]

Let her make her own choices. She's happy RIGHT NOW - does that not make you happy? Is that not what you want for her (to be happy)? Then focus on that and let her worry about the future. Above all, when it DOES fall to crap (which, let's be realistic, we know has about a 90% possibility of happening), be the one person in her life that loves her in spite of her stupid choices. NEVER carry the "I told you so" attitude because it looks like you really are the only constant in her life. It's going to rock her world (in a bad way) when it falls apart - she will have never seen it coming. Some people are just like that.

 

Support her, love her, tell her you are happy that SHE is happy (never saying that you're happy about her choices) and leave it at that. No matter how much we wish it, we can never save people from making painful choices. I would never tell you to lie to her - if she asks your opinion about her choices, by all means - TELL HER. But it's still possible to love and support somebody in spite of their choices.

[SoulSearch_CO]

Let her make her own choices. She's happy RIGHT NOW - does that not make you happy? Is that not what you want for her (to be happy)? Then focus on that and let her worry about the future. Above all, when it DOES fall to crap (which, let's be realistic, we know has about a 90% possibility of happening), be the one person in her life that loves her in spite of her stupid choices. NEVER carry the "I told you so" attitude because it looks like you really are the only constant in her life. It's going to rock her world (in a bad way) when it falls apart - she will have never seen it coming. Some people are just like that.

 

Support her, love her, tell her you are happy that SHE is happy (never saying that you're happy about her choices) and leave it at that. No matter how much we wish it, we can never save people from making painful choices. I would never tell you to lie to her - if she asks your opinion about her choices, by all means - TELL HER. But it's still possible to love and support somebody in spite of their choices.

LOL - why did you steal words directly from my post without quoting and then add nothing of your own? And you gave it a "thumbs down." Care to expand on why?