Losing my best friend

[mmnnbb]

Almost a year ago my best friend and I got into a fight that has taken an emotional toll ever since. Without going into the details, we basically were talking on again off again for several months. After going through this for a while I wrote a very long email telling him how much I cared for him. We went through a series of emails, but I feel that our relationship is not the same. I've noticed that he just doesn't care. Before our fight, we were very close, phsyically, emotionall in every way. To put it shortly if he was a girl, i would have married him in an instant (and he had told me the same). This was a kidn of bond that I'd never felt before, a love that was unbelievable, but ever since our fight things have just fallen apart. To put it tersely, he just doesn't care about me anymore.

 

I have never felt a pain like this before, I'd much rather take physical torture than what i'm going through. No matter what I do he just doesn't care. I have literally done everythign save getting on my knees and begging him to be my friend again. I get drunk to stop thinking about him, but now that I'm drunk (and the only way I'd be able to post this publically is fairly drunk) I just cried for an hour because it hurts so much (and this is far from the first time). I've never cared for anyone as much I've cared for him (not even my previous girlfriends), it's like he's taken my heart and just stomped on it with his apathy. I'm not a guy who cries, but this is tearing me apart

 

This pain is unreal, and I can't share it with anyone I know personally because as guys, the expectation is to have no emotion, so they will only continue to rip me apart. the only way i know how to deal with it is to deal with alone. But I can't do it anymore, i need to get this out, I'm just so miserable without my best friend. He was just always someone I could depend on. I've never felt so close, nor shared so much with anyone in my life. I just want him back, I would do anything, but I've tried every tactic I can think of, he just doesn't care.

 

He makes it so easy to say goodbye, but no matter what Ido, no matter how much I want to I can't. I can't say goodbye, I can't stop loving him, he's part of my family, he's my brother as much my own blood brother.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. I love him so much. I thought friends were supposed to be there for you through everything, but he hasn't. I usually never let things get me down, but this is just awful.

 

Help.

 

Please.

[Ronni_W]

Is it possible that he DOES care about you (or used to), but not in the same way that you care about him?

 

The way you have written it, it could just be that you totally overwhelmed him with all that...emotion! And neediness. And desperation. You are not describing a healthy, platonic relationship and perhaps you just left him no option but to totally distance himself from you for fear of getting sucked in and overtaken by it.

 

If one of my g/f's had come on so strong and needy and dependent on me, I also would have ended the relationship -- even if I DID care about her and enjoy her company. It's just waayyyyyy too much for a straight, same-sex, platonic friendship.

 

Now.

If you explore it from the other side -- from the perspective of YOUR contribution to the relationship (and its ending), and your expectations, and your sense of what would have constituted more appropriate behaviour and attitudes for a straight, same-sex, platonic friendship -- what do you come up with?

 

What is it ABOUT YOU, that you may be overlooking, ignoring or denying?

[mmnnbb]

Thanks for responding.

Wow, I was very intoxicated writing that message and that's unfortunate. When I get drunk i apparently get absurdly overdramatic (though a surprisingly good speller). I'm very embarassed regardless.

 

I'll try to put this as succinctly as possible. I would like to highlight, that this kid is essentiallly part of my family. In any friendship, I expect a certain degree of respect and effort. Ignoring my attempts rebuild our friendship hurts, it would hurt for any of my friends. And I get angry when it takes him a month to respond to a simple email (even though I know he's sitting on gchat/playing videogames). I mean, he's certainly a priority in my life, and if he needed something I would be there for him (and have been). After our falling out, he's shown me none of that in return. But unlike my other friends (who I would just let drift apart) we've been through so much that I just don't want to do it. We were inseperable in college, and while I understand that I won't have that back (for now atleast), IMO completely blowing off your best friend is unacceptable. To me, it seems like the random girl I was drunkenly making out with last night had more respect for me than my best friend.

 

I mean if your best friend that you had a falling out with sent you an email trying to fix things and telling you that they cared about you, you wouldn't blow it off would you?

[Ronni_W]

I mean if your best friend that you had a falling out with sent you an email trying to fix things and telling you that they cared about you, you wouldn't blow it off would you?

That totally depends on whether or not I feel that my (former) "best friend" is putting unreasonable demands on me, and having unrealistic expectations, and treating me as if I am under some sort of obligation to him (or her) JUST BECAUSE of our history.

 

Following is from your Jan. 9th post:

...and I told him I had "feelings" for him. ...For the next month or so we didn't talk. ...This effectively ruined our friendship.

That one is pretty dramatic, too, btw. Whether or not it is alcohol-influenced, you seem to have developed the habit of drama.

 

But I digress. Your friend does not share your feelings and, as is quite apparent, became uncomfortable with what you had revealed about yourself. And he also does not seem to be comfortable with how you are acting like some jilted lover, which YOU ARE NOT, to him.

 

At this point, it has everything to do with YOU respecting him. It appears that what is "not acceptable" TO HIM, is having a same-sex "best" friend profess "feelings" for him, and then expect him to...what? Feel the same way? Come out of the closet? In truth and reality, WHAT did you expect would be the consequence of your telling him you had "feelings" for him?

 

Are you not getting how your "confession" about your feelings disturbed him? Are you missing YOUR impact on him? Did you not sense that it was time for you to apologize for dumping that on him, instead of adding fuel with a (likely) absurdly over-dramatic further display of your affection and dedication to him?

 

With your pining and drama, you didn't give him any OTHER option but to distance himself from you. And the way you have gone about trying to repair the damage that you caused has shown zero respect or effort on your part, to bother to see things from his perspective and understand the position you put him in.

 

None of above is to say that this loss of friendship has not affected you deeply. It has, obviously and of course. And it is a sad ending of what no doubt was a significant and important friendship for him, too. I am sorry FOR BOTH OF YOU, that it has come down to this.

[saturnsfall]

Am I correct in thinking you admitted having romantic feelings for this individual? If so, what are his feelings on relationships such as what you were hoping for? I could see if maybe this would upset him a bit. Maybe he needs some time away, but he should be open with you about that and let you know that's what's going on.

 

How long has this been going on with him?

 

I understand how you feel regarding losing a close friend. I'm in limbo myself with a friend. Friends are precious and should be appreciated everyday. Something to remember, when it comes to friendship and romantic feelings; which would you rather have? Friendship or a relationship? I learned a valuable lesson, if things are going to happen, they will happen. You shouldn't seek it out. Life has a way of unfolding in wonderful ways.

 

You should think about cutting back on the drinking. That's most certainly not the answer. There is nothing you will achieve from doing this.

[applebeespepsi]

MMNBB first and foremost.... do you know how amazing it is to see that some people aren't afraid to show their emotion.. phenomenal.

> 1<Submitting this post, admit it.... didn't you feel cleansed in a sense?

>2< And admit it, after sending your pal the key email, stating that you actually cared for them; didn't you feel cleansed in a sense?

>3< last question have things gotten better?

**In a sense you became your own source of therapy; without knowing it..

I'm going through a similar situation.... and yeah it pretty much blows to have someone close switch personalities on you OVER NIGHT

-in my situation my "close friend would switch personalities over night"

After a year of allowing this, i confronted them and explained that it's draining me... and that I'm tired of not knowing which personality i would face from day to day... i went on to explain that if it continues PLEASE STAY AWAY FROM ME... (believe me it was a huge risk to say this but i said what hell...)

My friend actually apologized and talked with me for over an hour that day..

__ things actually seemed better .... the smiles the stopping by each others table in the library etc etc BUT GET THIS... I NOTICED THAT WE Haven't HUNG OUT SINCE THE CONFRONTATION

(as in going out to eat gym etc)

whenever i suggested a hang out moment they would say OK but cancel at the last minute or pretend to all of a sudden become busy....

SO AGAIN OUR HANGOUT MOMENTS, since my friend gave me an hour long apology, is zero.. we don't hang out anymore IN SPITE OF MY INVITES AND REQUESTS...

-and yeah it hurts a bit because this is a Friend that was from a different culture and freely stated things such as "I love you, you're so special, you're a blessing to be friends with, I could travel galaxies with you without turning back" hahahahahaa laugh it up lol

so i miss those moments .. for Pete's sakes i can only get my same age relatives or significant other to say I love you maybe once a year LOL

So to have a friend say this routinely was pretty funny to me but deep down it was special

- I'm a human so of course i miss that part of our bond... and I have no idea how to stitch it back together

but I'm saying all of this to let you know.. you're not the only one alright?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Almost a year ago my best friend and I got into a fight that has taken an emotional toll ever since. Without going into the details, we basically were talking on again off again for several months. After going through this for a while I wrote a very long email telling him how much I cared for him. We went through a series of emails, but I feel that our relationship is not the same. I've noticed that he just doesn't care. Before our fight, we were very close, phsyically, emotionall in every way. To put it shortly if he was a girl, i would have married him in an instant (and he had told me the same). This was a kidn of bond that I'd never felt before, a love that was unbelievable, but ever since our fight things have just fallen apart. To put it tersely, he just doesn't care about me anymore.

 

I have never felt a pain like this before, I'd much rather take physical torture than what i'm going through. No matter what I do he just doesn't care. I have literally done everythign save getting on my knees and begging him to be my friend again. I get drunk to stop thinking about him, but now that I'm drunk (and the only way I'd be able to post this publically is fairly drunk) I just cried for an hour because it hurts so much (and this is far from the first time). I've never cared for anyone as much I've cared for him (not even my previous girlfriends), it's like he's taken my heart and just stomped on it with his apathy. I'm not a guy who cries, but this is tearing me apart

 

This pain is unreal, and I can't share it with anyone I know personally because as guys, the expectation is to have no emotion, so they will only continue to rip me apart. the only way i know how to deal with it is to deal with alone. But I can't do it anymore, i need to get this out, I'm just so miserable without my best friend. He was just always someone I could depend on. I've never felt so close, nor shared so much with anyone in my life. I just want him back, I would do anything, but I've tried every tactic I can think of, he just doesn't care.

 

He makes it so easy to say goodbye, but no matter what Ido, no matter how much I want to I can't. I can't say goodbye, I can't stop loving him, he's part of my family, he's my brother as much my own blood brother.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. I love him so much. I thought friends were supposed to be there for you through everything, but he hasn't. I usually never let things get me down, but this is just awful.

 

Help.

 

Please.