I have a new roommate....

[missmich]

She's a nice 23 year old Korean exchange student here to learn English. She's been with me for close to 3 weeks now and in Canada for about 4 weeks.

 

Anyway I'm having some issues b/c she falls asleep in her room with the lights on and her laptop in her bed with her (on as well). I'm afraid that it will get to hot and cause a fire. I also don't like the lights on ALL night b/c the electric costs do go up.

 

She tends to turn the heat to the highest setting all day,even when she's gone. I sneak in and turn it to about the 1/2 way point where it really should be. The room is still cozy and warm at that temp. One night I went in to talk to her and the heat was cranked all the way up AND the window was open! I gently explained that it costs me money and that the heat is being wasted when it goes out the window and that if it does then she will have to pay for it.

 

I had some issues with noise,letting the door shut to loudly and her music to loud late at night and that kinda thing,but after we talked about it stopped.

 

She has fallen asleep with the lights on and laptop in the bed at least 4 times now. I really don't want to have to go in each night before I go to bed and check on her. How can I make it more clear that she has to stop doing this?

[Geishawhelk]

Stop pussyfooting.

 

We teach people how to treat us.

 

If you want something done, and she's your room-mate, then to make sure she gets the message, put it all in writing, and keep a copy.

Sign it (make sure there's a date at the top), and tell her, it's just a reminder, in writing, that this is how you'd like things done.

Put sticky post-it notes around the place - "lights off please!" - that kind of thing.

 

She needs to get the message.

But you need to give it.

The more namby-pamby your approach, the less seriously she'll take you.

[Still Trying]

roommates suck. Bottom line. Just communicate as openly as possible. I disagree with the written note idea - that would just piss me off and make me feel resentment towards whoever wrote it. Have (another?) serious sit down and get her to realize the importance of saving energy. If that doesn't work do the note thing.

 

Noise levels is probably the thing that gets me the most living with other people. I've been woken up 3 nights in a row now to my roommate coming home late. Crashing around in the kitchen playing music past 12. It's awesome, the thing is that he's meticulously clean so I never complain about it as the house is always just about spotless. We get along well really and we were friends before rooming up together. Easily the best roommate I've had and yet there's always something to critisize.

 

I dream of the day when I can afford to live alone again.

[Geishawhelk]

No, you misunderstand.

A written note covers her butt legally, if push comes to shove and she asks her to leave.

 

A written note proves that she gave fair warning.

A written note is most certainly absolutely advisable, in the case of miscommunication.

If the OP is the primary home-owner/tenant, and is responsible for letting and sharing the room, she has to show legal comeback that she advised the room-mate both verbally and in writing.

 

She can't mess about with something like this.

A written note is absolutely essential.

[missmich]

Yes,I am the one on the lease. It's a good idea to have something in writing and signed by us both.

 

I don't feel like I'm being namby pamby about things though. I think leaving little notes around would be a little passive aggressive. It's much better to talk to someone and be direct about things.

 

Last night I knocked on her door at 11pm to say goodnight,I had a feeling she'd fallen asleep earlier with the lights on again,so I walked in and yes,I was right. I told her to be careful with the laptop on the bed and that mine had gotten so hot that the cord melted a little. It's true that did happen. I thought she was going to get up,get jammies on and get into bed properly and turn off the lights.

 

Well during the night I was up to use the bathroom a few times and her light was still one every time. I heard her get up at 3am and I guess that's when she turned off her light.

 

When she moved in we agreed to a flat rate for the rent,but now I think I'll ask her to pay for 1/2 the electric. I don't know why she just doesn't go to bed when she's tired instead of falling asleep while watching a movie on her laptop in bed.

 

I don't want to have to tell her "go to bed by 11pm Dear so you're not late for class". She has to leave by 8am to get there on time so I don't why she stays up so late.

[missmich]

She has fallen asleep with the lights on and laptop in the bed at least 4 times now. I really don't want to have to go in each night before I go to bed and check on her. How can I make it more clear that she has to stop doing this?

 

Is that what I have to do though?

 

Well I came home tonight a little after 10pm. I saw that her light was still on so I knocked on the door to say hello and ask what smelled so good,she'd made cookies. She didn't answer at first and I knew she'd fallen asleep again with the lights on and the laptop in the bed with her and the heat cranked.

 

I've explained to her why I don't want her falling asleep with the laptop in bed a few times and the other night suggested that when she gets sleepy to turn it off and try to sleep.

 

She seemed a little surprised or maybe annoyed when I woke her up tonight. So maybe if I do this enough she will get it and just turn things off before she falls asleep?

 

Any ideas?

[whichwayisup]

Just come right out and talk to her, during the day. Explain to her nicely that it's expensive to keep the lights on all night and if she feels she needs to sleep with a light on she can buy a little nightlight to plug into the electrical socket. Also tell her that having her computer on all night is a total waste of energy. Hopefully she'll get that.

 

As for the heat, explain to her it's better to have the heat on lower at night. If it's too hot I find I get a stuffed nose and sweat alot, so for me it's healthier to have it cooler in the house at night.

[whichwayisup]

She's a nice 23 year old Korean exchange student here to learn English. She's been with me for close to 3 weeks now and in Canada for about 4 weeks.

 

Okay, this could a language and a cultural thing as well. She may not be fully understanding the waste of energy by keeping on the lights and fer computer on all night.. And the heat, well, she's not used to it as it doesn't get down to -20 where she is from..

 

Be nice about it because I honestly believe she doesn't understand the importance of energy waste and cost.

[missmich]

Her English actually seems pretty good,but it's common for people who don't understand a language well to just say "yes" even when they don't understand something. So I think tomorrow after work I'll sit down with her and explain things again and maybe show her the electric bill. I get it on-line and it has a little picture graph thing that may be helpful.

 

Also I can show her the cord to my own laptop that got melted from having it my lap to often and it getting to hot. Maybe she will understand then.

 

Personally if my heat is cranked at night my nose and throat do get dry,but if she wants her heat cranked at night b/c she's cold then I won't mind to much. I can understand the change for her may be tough. She should have it off when she's not here for more then 6-7 hours a day though,or at least on low.

 

I do have a night light if she wants to use it,so I can offer her that. I don't think it's cuz she needs a light on though. I think it's more cuz she falls sleep while watching a movie on-line in bed.

[Geishawhelk]

If her english is good and she's studying in college for an education in a country where she has to operate on a foreign language - trust me, she understands perfectly well. She's just being plain bloody rude.

Just tell her that you will compare the next electricity bill that comes in, with the last one, to show just how much the bill has risen - and she can not only pay half, but also pay the difference in the increased amount.

 

She's playing on her "foreign-ness" and acting dumb, but there isn't a person on this planet of reasonable age who doesn't understand the concept of saving energy.

 

Was she placed with you by an agency, or did she apply for the room independently?

[missmich]

She is here to study English at a language school,she is not in college.

 

Last night before she went to bed I said to her "oh please try and remember to turn things off before fall asleep" and she said ok. Her light was still on around midnight when I got up to use the bathroom. I heard her get up at 1:30am to use the bathroom and figured her light would be off the next time I got up. Well at 4:30am it was still on!

 

I am starting to feel like her mother here. I shouldn't have to remind her to go to turn off her lights and laptop BEFORE she gets to tired and falls asleep. It's annoying.

 

I'm sure that she understands what I'm saying about electricity and how her laptop can get to hot. I'm not to sure what other way I can explain things. I haven't brought up the bills yet or asked her to pay 1/2 yet,but I will in the next day or so.

 

I guess I could put a note,but that wouldn't do much I don't think.

[missmich]

Oh and she answered a posting that I had. I didn't go with an agency.

[Geishawhelk]

I'm just wondering what it's going to take to actually make you angry.

 

because I'll be honest with you, I'm kinda getting thoroughly Pi$$ed off with this thread, because you keep coming on here asking for advice, you keep getting it, yet you're doing F**K all.

 

I would give her notice to quit.

 

Two weeks.

Scram.

Get out of here.

Go an waste someone else's electricity and be a fire hazzard somewhere else.

 

jeesh, quit criticising and do something!!

 

(Unless of course, the prospect of standing on the pavement, wrapped in a blanket, whilst you watch the fire services dousing the flames in what used to be your home, doesn't freak you out, at all.....)

[missmich]

Geishawhelk what's with the attitude here? I've noticed it in other threads as well. Get some patience and if my not doing much of anything with the advice I get here bothers you then maybe you should pass over this thread.

 

My roommate has only been with me for a short time and she is getting used to things here. She is still pretty jet lagged as well. I can understand why she falls asleep before she actually gets her jammies and lights off and all that. All I can really do is remind her not to and try and tell her how important it is to shut things off. Maybe maybe putting up little notes will help.

 

I can't just kick her out,there are laws here that prevent me from doing that,even though she is not on the lease. I know I checked when I had a former roommate that I wanted out asap.

 

I doubt there will be a fire from the laptop,the cord will probably get very hot and melt a little and she will have to get a new one that will cost a lot of money. That's what happened to me when I use to use my laptop directly on my lap. Now I use a little tray.

[Enema]

I guess it's more of a vent thread.

 

Ignoring advice, just looking for a shoulder. fwiw, I agree with geisha - you're not being firm enough.

[missmich]

Enema (I like your picture btw) how can be more firm with her then? I must admit that I'm a little afraid if I get bitchy about things she will move and I really need the money she pays for her share of the rent. I pay a flat fee for the electric bill each month,but since they may bill the exact cost at the end of the year I'll be asking her for 1/2 that bill from now on. Maybe then she will be more willing to turn off the lights when she goes to bed.

 

She has started to turn the heat off when she goes out,so it's a start. I just don't like waking her at night so she can turn off the lights. I feel like her mother and that isn't what I want.

[Geishawhelk]

If paying for amenities wasn't in the rental agreement, you may have problems getting her to pay up. Especially as she may pull the "I don't understand English very well"....

let me give you a little hint.

 

In all things, you have to go the Worzel Gummidge route.

 

Worzel Gummidge is a British children's fictional character – a walking, talking scarecrow, who originally appeared in a series of books by the novelist Barbara Euphan Todd.

Gummidge had a set of interchangeable turnip, mangel worzel and swede heads, each of which endowed the character with a specific skill or to suit a particular occasion.

 

In other words, you can't be all things to all people. And sometimes, you just have to put a business head on, when talking business to people, even though you don't always know them in a business capacity.

It's necessary, because if you allow the edges to be blurred, people don't know where you stand.

 

I have to do it all the time in my line of work.

You have to define the boundaries, know where they are, show people where they are and then have the justification to complain when they over-step them.

 

Yes, I was harsh. But I got your attention, didn't I?

Made you just a little bit angry?

Good.

That was the intention.

 

And that's what you have to do to her.

be harsh enough to get her attention.

But friendly enough to do what needs doing without voices being raised or tears being shed.

[missmich]

Yes,you made me angry and got my attention,but at least you didn't also make me grumpy by waking me at 6:30am with your alarm clock!

 

I think it's time to make a list of "house rules" and stick them on the fridge. That's going to feel so childish though or maybe even like living back in the group home I was in as a teenager,but seriously maybe she needs that?

 

The problem with her staying up late at night is that she is very tired in the morning and sleeps late and then rushes around in the morning and makes a lot of noise in the process. Her freaken alarm went off at 6:30am and I can hear at,so after about 10 minutes of music I knocked on the door and heard a groggy "yeaaaaaah?" and said "turn it down". She then didn't even get out of bed until after 7am and out the door close to 8:30am when her class that takes 20 minutes to get to starts at 8:45am. Her parents pay for it and everything so who cares I guess?

 

I had to knock on the door Sunday morning (yesterday) at 9am to ask her to turn off the alrm as well. It's really loud. I understand some people need it to be loud,but for crying out loud (no pun intended) turn it off when you wake up!

 

Kinda of another thing I have a problem with,but I can't say anything about of course,not to her anyway. The way she spends. She's always asking me "is this cheap?" when she shops for groceries,but then shops for clothes,shoes and little things after class at least 3 days a week. Her parents send her money all the time. Oh and she got a very expensive cell phone her first day here and she will only be in Canada for 7 months she says. But of course I can't say anything about the way she spends her money. I don't always make the right spending choices either Besides it's so fun to shop when you're far from home and things are exciting.

 

Anyway last night I reminded her before bed to please turn off the lights etc... when she went to bed. Her lights were still on after midnight,so I decided to leave a not this am (on the toilette where I knew she'd see it) about her needing to pay 1/2 the electric bill since it was much higher then I had expected it to be. I left her a copy of the bill,I don't need it to pay the bill with,I pay on-line. Tonight when we are both home we will talk about the bill and how much electricity she uses and the noise issues as well and I will remind her of the "house rules" that I will have to make up today.

 

I mean I guess I know them allready,but just never needed to right them down. All my other roommates would wipe the counter after spilling tuna on them or whatever that smelly stuff was this morning!

[Geishawhelk]

The problem is, that this hurts you, because (1) you've never had to do it before, and (2) it's not 'you'. You're uncomfortable being this way, because it goes against the grain.

Well, I don't know whether you work, or study, but we all have to wear different 'heads' depending on who we're dealing with.

But sometimes, we just have to "man" up and be a bit tough with our attitude.

 

I know it feels uncomfortable and unfamiliar being like this - but I hate to break it to you - Life will probably bring you quite a few situations like this, and some of them more critical.

Look upon it as a trial run.

What it does do, is make you a bit more assertive, and toughen you up a bit. And later, you won't be regarded as a pushover. You'll be someone who knows her mind, and has to be dealt with in both a mature and respectful way.

 

You see?

[missmich]

I work as a nanny and am also working at a call center some nights.

 

I've had some really rotten and downright scary roommates when I was in my 20's and said I'd never have that again. So far so good Just different issues when you find exchange students as roommates. They are sometimes very childlike and need to taken care of OR have the rules laid out very clearly for them.

 

I really had to put my foot down with my first Korean roommate and she had such an attitude about cleaning. She acted like she was 13 in many ways. lol

 

I don't like to leave little notes all around the place,it feels so passive aggressive. Maybe if we talk about things first though and she knows I'm going to put up little "reminder notes" and the house rules up I won't feel so bad doing it. But for goodness sake,she is a grown up so she should just know certain things.

[missmich]

Well we had a little chat and she is leaving soon.

 

First we talked about all the extra energy she's using by keeping the lights on all night then I told her I was angry about the noise this morning and gave some suggestions on how she could be quieter. I asked if there was anything she wanted to tell me she was unhappy about. She said sometimes my tv is loud,that might be true,I do have a habit of turning it to loud,but not when she is sleeping and this is the first time she told me it was loud or I would have turned it down. Then she said she was sad cuz she couldn't cook beef here. I'm vegetarian and don't like meat BUT I said she can cook whatever she wants here,even meat.

 

Anyway after our chat she tells me she wants to move for March 1st! I said she can't though b/c she agreed to give me 30 days notice first. She played the "I didn't understand that" card with me when I reminded her about it. She moved in on the 24th and I only charged her rent from the 1st,but she says she didn't know that and claims not understand that rent is paid on the 1st and covers you until the 1st. I know she is not from Canada,but seriously it's the same in most countries. So she's totally playing dumb here.

 

Anyway we finally agreed that she will pay me the March rent by Friday and that she will stay until March 24th and that she not have to pay any extra costs for the electric as long as she keeps her light off at night. I mean when she goes to bed she needs to shut it off. I also made a few cleaning rules a little more clear.

 

I have a feeling she will try and get away with not paying me for March,so I've all ready started to look for a new roommate for then.

 

I'm trying to keep the peace here and be nice to her until she leaves. Also tomorrow is her birthday. Tonight I knocked on her door to ask her to sign the little agreement we made and she ignored me! So she is not trying to even be civil.

 

We'll see how it goes tomorrow.

[whichwayisup]

Well, it seems you both don't really like eachother and aren't a good match so her leaving is good.

 

Just go about your business and if she says hi, say hi back..Don't go out of your way to speak to her.

[joh2141]

People like her gives Koreans a bad name... which is why I hate Koreans. Because most of them are like that.

[boldjack]

You think it's bad now, just wait til she brings some Kimchi home.

[Geishawhelk]

....... She played the "I didn't understand that" card with me when I reminded her about it. She moved in on the 24th and I only charged her rent from the 1st,but she says she didn't know that and claims not understand that rent is paid on the 1st and covers you until the 1st. I know she is not from Canada,but seriously it's the same in most countries. So she's totally playing dumb here.

 

.......I'm trying to keep the peace here and be nice to her until she leaves. Also tomorrow is her birthday. Tonight I knocked on her door to ask her to sign the little agreement we made and she ignored me! So she is not trying to even be civil.

 

We'll see how it goes tomorrow.

 

I'm sorry it all went a bit pear-shaped.

 

Please believe me when I tell you I truly am not trying to rub your nose in it, but you see now what I meant about the Worzel Gummidge head thing?

 

You have to keep this side of things very business-like.

 

Please, for your own sake and peace of mind, draw up a good rental agreement for future tenants and a little informal list of house rules to clip to it. Make sure you keep copies of everything, and sign all copies, together. Dated, too.....

 

She's being very inscrutable.... as is typical of a person like this.

it strikes me that she is extremely spoiled by her parents, and not used to being responsible for herself, so she's expecting similarly obsequious treatment.

 

She's in for a bit of a rude awakening too... she may not be so lucky with her next landlord.... they may not be as nice as you.

 

Good Luck.