christianna Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 I have a friend, she's ideal, but she doesn't like to talk about stuff, she doesn't like to discuss the past, and she takes awhile to tell things in the present. But I love her with unconditional love and care about her, and we are very, very, close- she's like my twin. I really care about her well being, but I can't seem to reconcile this with my desire to rehash stuff amd know what's going on in her life, right away. We are close, very intimate in a emotional way, it's not lack of closeness. It's lack of not wanting to discuss upsetting things on her part. She can't change, I can't change, and I'm defintely her friend for life. But it's frustrating when you are shaking before you ask a question, because you are afraid to upset her,, not so much make her mad, she never gets mad or only rarely, but afraid to make her cry. Do you know anyone like this? What are your thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 You can't change her but you CAN change yourself -- your desires, expectations, etc. The problem seems to be that your desire to discuss HER upsetting things isn't being satisfied -- did I get that right? The change that will improve your experience is for you to realize that your desire is NOT going to be satisfied in this relationship, that it is unrealistic to continue to expect/want it to be, and to completely accept the relationship that she is offering you...not dwell on the one that she is not able to provide. If it is that she starts crying when you want to discuss YOUR upsetting things, pretty much the same thing -- accept the boundaries of this relationship, and take your issues that she finds upsetting to a more receptive friend who has the strength and ability to listen to such matters without getting depleted/exhausted. This friend is, after all, entitled to decide what she wants to talk about and to set whatever boundaries she wants. You are entitled to accept it "AS IS", or to end your participation in the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 I have a friend, she's ideal, but she doesn't like to talk about stuff, she doesn't like to discuss the past, and she takes awhile to tell things in the present. But I love her with unconditional love and care about her, and we are very, very, close- she's like my twin. I really care about her well being, but I can't seem to reconcile this with my desire to rehash stuff and know what's going on in her life, right away. We are close, very intimate in a emotional way, it's not lack of closeness. It's lack of not wanting to discuss upsetting things on her part. She can't change, I can't change, and I'm defintely her friend for life. But it's frustrating when you are shaking before you ask a question, because you are afraid to upset her,, not so much make her mad, she never gets mad or only rarely, but afraid to make her cry. Do you know anyone like this? What are your thoughts? The bit in bold, above, is the deliberate mistake. You do not love your friend unconditionally. If you did, all these issues wouldn't even figure, because you'd accept they exist, but it wouldn't bother you in the slightest. All the underlined bits, are the bits you have to drop, let go of, and forget. The bold-underlined? It's BS. people change all the time. it's a question of deiding whether you'd actually want to, and whether the change would be of benefit to you personally. You can't change her, she can change you. But you CAN Change you. Quit owning her.... Own your own behaviour, and let it go. Link to post Share on other sites
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