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How to deal with my friend?


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Hello all,

 

New to the forum, and this is my first post. Anyway, I need help on how to deal with this situation.

 

First, a few things about me. I'm married and 30 years old. Over the past year or so, I've become good friends with this woman at work, mainly due to our having in common ADHD and axiety issues. My wife knows about her and has met her, and I know her male friends, too, so we have no problems with opposite-sex friendships. I should also add that I have only on a couple of occassions hung out with her outside of work. We do exchange emails frequently, mostly discussing our emotional stuff (dealing with our ADD, anxiety, depression, etc.). We do know much about our lives in general.

 

For a long time, this friend and I have had a healthy, trusting, and lively friendship. I've been really happy with our relationship because I have a very hard time developing anything more than acquaintances ever since high school, where I had close friends because I grew up with them. I guess it's part of the ADD since I have poor awareness of how others react. Anyway, she has recently started dating this guy, and she has essentially dropped off the map when it comes to talking about stuff. I do not see her everday at work, and depending on the schedules, I may go a few weeks without working with her--hence the email. I understand the need to prioritize relationships, but it just seems such a sharp decline in communication. I can understand a delay in responding, but it's been none since then--from rich dialog to silence; that's very frustrating for me. And I've worked with her since, and she's been fine, but nothing has been said about any of our dialogs (she usually says sorry about not responding sooner or something). And another odd thing is that she's expressed her happiness with this guy but has told others more about them than she has to me.

 

I haven't brought any of this to her attention and have tried just waiting it out. But I just feel really ignored by her. My wife and I can't talk about these things because she can't relate the same since she has never experienced them, and she's also very skeptical about mental health issues, and reluctant to talk about it at all. I'm going to a therapist, too, so that is helpful, but it's not the same.

 

Any thoughts on what's going on with my friend? Like I said, I'm really bad at friendships, and finding someone whom I can relate with on these issues has really helped me. My last really good friend (outside of my wife), all of a sudden just stopped all contact with no explaination, though I tried to find out if I did anything. I'm insecure due to my past, and I'm hoping you all can provide some thoughts. Thanks!

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Call her up and ask her out to lunch. This is what friends do. Gauge her response. It's possible that, due to the excitement of a new guy in her life, she doesn't even realize she's been distant. Or, you could've been filler while she was single. I've been that filler enough times to know.

 

If she's distant or evasive about lunch, let her go. Friends come and go. Reason, season or lifetime. Never know which...

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Just ask her what you've done and if she's honest enough she will tell you. Time will tell, if she doesn't talk to you you know you've done something to upset her, the only other thing I could think of is that she might just be totally into this new guy and might not have time for you at the moment. But I do understand it must hurt to be placed in the cold when you know you've done nothing wrong.

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Ok, I have experience on this issue since I'm a female and just lost a guy friend. She's interested in her boyfriend now is what's going on and she's concentrating on that relationship and not on the friendship she has (had) with you. It's possible she thought a platonic relationship was fine, but perhaps she feels since she has a boyfriend now, that she should keep her distance. I think that backing off for awhile is a good idea. I have no close friends and I relied on my guy friend for discussions and just someone to lend an ear. For whatever reason, when things became serious with his girlfriend, he became less interested in being my friend. Just seems to be the way it goes sometimes. Maybe she has deeper feelings for you and now that she has a boyfriend she prefers to remain somewhat distant. I don't know. It's seems you have given it some time. You can try talking to her about it if she seems willing. I'm not sure if she will be completely open and honest with you, but you can try. All you can do is be friendly and supportive and express to her that you would like to know why less e-mails and conversation. Don't pressure her though as this will most likely scare her away. This is the only info. I can offer. I went through a similar thing and in the end my guy friend said that he couldn't be friends with me anymore. This was due to his girlfriend's insecurity and jealousy. This may not be the case with her, this is just how it happended with me.

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Oh, one more thing, the primary person you should be talking to IS your wife, not some other woman. I'm not suggesting that you are doing anything wrong, but who other than your wife should understand what you are going through? I know that you can relate to this other woman, but I suggest that you spend more time discussing things with your wife so that she understands better what you are going through and you will have a better relationship for it.

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Boy, I just keep thinking of stuff to say.....anyway, I can relate COMPLETELY to what you are going through and how you feel. Please don't make the mistakes I've made. I have a lot of experience on what doesn't work. My past torments me and I'm still learning.

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Thanks so much for all your replies! They were very helpful. We did meet for lunch today, and I feel so good after our talk. In fact, it was she who suggested we go after a reply. She apologized for being out of touch.

 

Cherrybomb, thanks for supplying your experiential knowledge. Very enlightening. In response to you comment about talking to my wife, I've tried. She just doesn't get it, and she has told me that she can't understand it. (of course, she has complained about me not talking to her more about me, but then when I do, she either doesn't understand why I think or feel why I do, or she gets combative. :/ ) But, with this friend, everything we talk about we each "get it". In fact, after this lunch, I think we have strengthened our friendship because of discussing very personal things we share (our battles with suicide/depression, how we look at life, and even little things like avoiding eye-contact and the reasons for it). Truly great experience that there is someone out there in my shoes, so to speak. I feel unlost now, LOL.

 

I think I was worrying for no reason, and my anxiety was kicking in. It is true that this boyfriend didn't turn into anything serious (and we talked about that), but it's nice to know she wasn't trying to blow me off or anything. It was the week before school started, and she had gone out of town with friends.

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I'm glad things worked out for you. I don't think they worked out for me because his girlfriend belongs to the same organization as us. If she didn't, he would not recieve any pressure from her and we could remain friends.

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Thanks so much for all your replies! They were very helpful. We did meet for lunch today, and I feel so good after our talk. In fact, it was she who suggested we go after a reply. She apologized for being out of touch.

 

I think I was worrying for no reason, and my anxiety was kicking in. It is true that this boyfriend didn't turn into anything serious (and we talked about that), but it's nice to know she wasn't trying to blow me off or anything. It was the week before school started, and she had gone out of town with friends.

 

In my opinion you didn't worry for no reason. She met a guy, lost contact with you, it fell apart and now she's back in your life. It's NOT uncommon when there is a male/female friendship and then when one gets into a relationship the friendship suffers. Many guys do not want their gf communicating with another guy even if it's platonic. Be prepared that this could happen again in the future and you may want to discuss in advance how she intends on treating you the next time she gets involved in a relationship. I say this just so you have an understanding with one another.

 

Regarding depression, anxiety ect. I can totally understand the importance of having someone in your life that you can talk to and can relate to the daily struggles that you face. I have major depression, and anxiety issues as well and I can totally relate to the difficulty and frustration that you feel trying to talk to someone who doesn't understand these issues or want to understand them. In my opinion it's even more difficult for guys that have depression, anxiety ect. The reason I bring this up is in response to the person who said you should be talking to your wife. While that is true if your wife chooses not to understand mental health issues (and she does have a computer where she could read up on it) so this IS her choice not to understand. It will basically be a conversation that would lead to nowhere and ultimately frustration for you.

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