Though actions speak otherwise, the relationship has been labeled as "Friendship"

[lucia742001]

First, I'd like to say that I am not crushed by my current situation, it is not that serious and I refuse to allow it to become that serious of an issue.

 

My intention in posting this is to obtain some objective insight into what I am going through.

 

First of all, I began going out with a co-worker about 6 months ago. I must say that for the first couple of months I had no interest in him romantically, he was just someone I enjoyed having a good time with. In fact, weeks would go by before we'd go out again. I must say in the last 3 months, we have been going out on a weekly to every 2 week basis. Sometimes we have even gotten together twice a week. I must say that a couple of months ago, I began to feel very attracted to him.

I couldn't believe it b/c I never expected it; though, I did consider the fact that we had been dating this entire time, there had been no physical contact. I just knew that with him I could have the greatest time ever.

 

Well, when I realized this attraction I had for him, I asked him where I stood in his life. I asked him if we were "dating", since we had never actually taken the relationship a step further. His response went something like this "Well, I consider us friends who are getting to know each other, and who's to say what the future holds." Well, the answer was obviously very clear to me, especially since we had never crossed the line.

 

A couple of weeks after this discussion, he opened up to me about some difficulties in his life, he made very clear to me that I am one of the only people he could trust telling this information to. And a week later after that, we crossed the line. We didn't have "sex", but there was oral sex and manual stimulation. It was a night that I had been over his house very late watching a movie, something we had done before but nothing had ever happened. I won't lie, I need to tell you that I initiated the first contact, but only after seeing and feeling that he was very turned on by having me there. My head was laying on his lap watching the movie, when I felt something move. Well, I realize I didn't have to tend to that erection, but I did anyway b/c I obviously felt attracted to him also.

 

So it turns out, we made out this way a couple more times, and we even spent the night together on those particular nights. As far as the "sex", one of the times we were making out he told me that he is a firm believer in actually waiting to go all the way until he is sure that he wants to pursue marriage with that person, somthing that though I do not completely agree with, I respect very much, and caused me to have an even higher level of attraction to him. Well that discussion also led to again talking about the friendship, and he told me he liked what we were doing but that he felt very uncomfortable knowing we are just friends. I asked him if he was certain that all he ever wanted to be was friends, that I understood. But again he told me that for now we were just friends. He said he had too much going on in his life to try to pursue anymore right now, which I know he does. He is going to schoold to obtain his masters degree in school administration, and lately he has been dedicating a lot of time to helping his parents with some challenges and life changes that they are facing. But he made clear that he was not closing the doors on anything for the future. He even told me that he wants to make plans for us to go out of town together and just enjoy each other's company.

 

Well, after this discussion the making out stopped for a few dates. We were still having great times together, we really have lots in common, but the intimacy was put on hold.

 

Well, this past weekend, his mother remarried and I was very honored to be invited to the wedding. I had only met his family briefly once before. To me this was a big deal. And just the night before the wedding, we had what I must say was the best date of our relationship yet. The wedding day was also great. I met and was very welcomed by all his family and their friends. They made me feel at home. Many (if not most) of his family members approached us and asked him if I was his girlfriend. His answer to them was "we're friends or just friends". When his brother asked if were at least dating, he answered again "we're friends". From the look on their faces, most, especially his brother just didn't seem very convinced.

 

That night again, we discussed the status of our relationship. He again reassured me that we are still just friends, and that is why the intimacy had ceased b/c he wanted to follow through with what he was telling me. He felt that by crossing the line he was contradicting what he was saying to me and giving me mixed signals. Though it hurt a little, I think the friendship is stronger than the attraction, b/c I imagine it would hurt a lot if it was the other way around. Though I have never come straight out and told him how I feel for him, I assume that just the fact that I want to discuss where things stand should be his answer wouldn't you?

 

The strange thing was that again after having this discussion, we made out and spent the night together. While we were making out, he told me how if I wanted to stop he understood b/c we had just had the discussion and he didn't want to hurt me or make me feel violated in any way. Well, it's hard to feel that way, when you care for the person so much.

 

He is a great person! We relate, communicate, share, enjoy some great times together. When we go out, he treats me like a lady. He takes care of everything. All this makes me feel that I am on a date b/c believe me I have had friends before who have never done these things for me.

 

So what I need to know from you guys, is what is going on with this guy and me? I know he has made the answer of what he wants to label our relationship very clear, but his actions speak otherwise.

 

Wouldn't you say that there is a romantic interest on his part too? And if there is, why doesn't he want to admit it? Sometimes I think he is in denial. Or am I just being impatient? Someone open my eyes and make the truth clear to me.

 

Like I said, I am not hurt and falling apart over this. But I don't think I'm being objective about it either.

 

I don't care to give him an ultimatum b/c I myself am not ready to jump into a commitment; though I would like our relationship to have a label that his actions speak for, such as "dating", or "girlfriend", or "going steady". Hell, that's all I'm ready for. He is just a man that holds so much potential.

 

I also will not put my life on hold for him. What I'm saying is if friendship is all he is calling this, then I refuse to make myself exclusive to him; though it already feels like we are exclusive. Based ont the schedule he keeps, and on his family reaction, he is not seeing anyone else.

 

I would love to have a label; though one of my friends tells me "what do you need a label for when his actions speak louder than words?" She says, I wish my boyfriends treated me 1/2 as nice as he treats you, what's in a label anyway? Well, in a label there is definition and no confusion.

 

I love this guy's friendship, and I would love the chance to see it develop into more. Is there a chance based on what I've told you?

 

I know I've asked a lot of questions. And whatever you can help me with, I would greatly appreciate.

 

Bless You.

[clia]

My honest opinion is that he is not interested in a romantic relationship with you. It seems clear that he likes you and likes hanging out with you, but I promise you that if he were romantically interested you would know by now. He has been very clear and honest with you that he views the two of you as just friends. He's had many opportunities to move the relationship forward, yet he has not. "Too busy" is a very poor excuse. Don't fall for it--he really means that he's "too busy" for a relationship with YOU. Another girl could come along and he could suddenly find loads of time.

 

You don't need to worry about giving ultimatums, labels, putting your life on hold, commitment, or any of that. You aren't exclusive--he's made that abundantly clear. You aren't his girlfriend--he's made that abundantly clear. You know EXACTLY where you stand. There's no reason to beat a dead horse by bring it up with him. And frankly, if you are just friends, the two of you aren't even dating. It doesn't matter if he's not dating anyone else. It takes more than that to be exclusive!

 

Don't allow yourself to fall for the fantasy of this "relationship." You have no relationship with him. You are just friends. Don't forget that!

 

So, what does this mean? I think you need to stop seeing so much of this guy and start dating others. It's pointless for you to invest a lot of time with this guy when he doesn't seem to want a future.

[lucia742001]

Thanks for your reply. It has given me some very helpful insight. You were very straightforward, and you are right. But I have a couple more questions for you?

 

 

 

So what do you make of the intimacy that has taken place? And the fact that he has told me lines such as "who knows what the future holds?" And should I continue to be friends with him after the incidents that have occurred?

[clia]

Remember that men are wired differently, and many of them do not view intimacy in the same way women do. They do not bond with us in this way. (I know I'm speaking in sweeping generalizations--for the most part, I believe this is true, although I'm sure there are always exceptions out there.) The intimacy between you two may not mean as much to him as it did to you.

 

I would also take anything he says with a grain of salt until he acts on it.

 

As for being friends with him, only you can decide whether you want to do that. If you have strong feelings for him, it might be difficult for you to be just friends, so you might be better off not being friends. On the other hand, if you don't have strong feelings and are fine with things, then by all means be friends. But don't latch onto a fantasy of what could happen between the two of you. Be sure to continue with your life and continue to date other people.

[Angel]

If a man acted like that toward me---I would stop seeing him. Sometimes that brings them around--when they know that you're "on the market" and can be taken by someone else. Why should he commit when he knows you're there if he wants you. If he doesn't come around with that---you weren't important in the first place. Move on, don't wait for him to "decide" on you. You decide what you're going to do with your life. Do you really want to be with a man that acts indifferently towards you (introducing you as "just friends". I definitely wouldn't have sex with a man if he considers me a "friend". I don't have sex with my friends--male or female. Don't be a wimp (it's not attractive), don't settle (for a man that has to figure out if he loves you) , and take care of your needs (what do YOU WANT out of life)-not his. Good luck.