should i try to get through to my friend or just pretend everything is fine??

[zoe1983]

ok so i am 25 years old and I work with a girl who is 23 years old and since her and i are the only young people at our office we hang out a lot (only at work though). She is an ok girl, though i admit that if we didn't work together i probably wouldn't be friends with her. When she started working with me she was always talking about this older guy that treated her like crap but she kept going back to him. Finally she cut things off with him and i was really proud of her.

 

So the problem is the guy she recently hooked up with. They met about a month ago at a party when they were both drunk and started making out. He lives in another state about eight hours away ( he is in the military) and he went back there the next day. They have been talking over the phone ever since though and she comes to work every day talking about him nonstop.

 

Although the nonstop talking about him is annoying its what she actually tells me about him that is driving me nuts. First of all he is married and although he tells her its over they havent gotten a divorce yet and actually it was his wife that just very recently went to a lawyer to start divorce proceedings. She actually lives across the country in the state he lived in before joining the military. He told my friend they only got married because she was pregnant but she had a miscarriage shortly afterwards. He also has a 2 year old daughter from another relationship he had before meeting his current wife. He is also in credit card debt.

 

Him and his wife have only been married about six months and my friend has it in her head that they can get an annulment though i keep telling her thats not possible. She gets all mad because his wife is really mad about the situation and keeps doing things like taking all the money out of their bank account and telling him he cant have his car back. My friend thinks she is just being bitter about the divorce and i cant get it through her head that they were MARRIED and of course you are gonna act crazy when your marriage is ending. Of course he tells her his wife is crazy and accused him of cheating from the beginning of the marriage. Once again i cant seem to get her to realize that he IS cheating on his wife with HER and that maybe he did cheat on his wife with other women too.

 

My friend has already invited this guy to come spend thanksgiving with her family and she cant understand why her mom is hesitant about introducing him as her boyfriend when he is married to someone else. She also paid for his plane ticket home because he doesnt have a computer and it was "just easier that way". She also has already planned a trip to las vegas with him and bragged about it to anyone that would listen at work. Unfortunately he has already cancelled that trip because he thought he was getting his car back when he went home (they were meeting in vegas and then roadtripping back to our state together) but its with his wife and she refuses to give it back. (he bought it during the marriage so it seems like she would get half of its worth during the divorce).

 

Did i mention that she hasn't even seen this guy in person since the night they met? She came in this past week all excited because he had told her he LOVED HER and she told him she LOVED HIM TOO!!! Once again i tried to reason with her but she just blew me off. They have even talking about marriage and although she says they wouldn't get married before he deploys in a year she is always making comments about how she is just gonna run away to the state he lives in.

 

So this weekend he was finally coming to see her and she was so freakin excited. First he was coming thursday but then changed it to friday. They were supposed to have a Special date night friday night but he was already calling her friday afternoon talking about how he wanted to take his daughter trick or treating and then go to this party his friend invited him to. At first she kept telling me they weren't going to have sex but this past week she started talking about how badly she wanted him and how she hadn't had sex in six months (big deal!) and couldn't resist. Although when i questioned her she said she wasn't planning on buying condoms and was just hoping he would bring them even though he told her he hates condoms. He is also only the second guy she will have had sex with.

 

To my friend's credit the guy does say all the right things to her and does seem to really care. Every other guy she has been with has treated her like crap so i kinda understand how she might be confused because like i said this guy is really sweet to her. I just dont understand how she can ignore all the red flags. I mean for awhile i kept bringing up that he was married and they had only met once drunk but she just blows that off so i have finally given up. Its just when she starts bragging at work about her wonderful boyfriend i just want to scream " HE IS MARRIED!!!!!!".

 

The thing is my boyfriend and i have been together for four years and we are going through a rough patch though i know we will work though it together. I must admit though i have had fleeting moments of jealousy when she talks about her new and exciting love. I am just worried that maybe i am giving my friend too hard of a time because maybe i am a bit jealous, but i just cant get past the fact that he is MARRIED!

 

I just don't know how to get through to my friend without being too harsh. She is my only real friend at work and i really dont want to alienate her but i cant help thinking how ridiculous she is being!

 

Any suggestions?? P.S I am sorry this is so long but seriously i have to listen to her talk about him nonstop all day every day so i have a lot of info on the situation!

[Suiyobi]

It's a risk that you're going to have to take if you really care about this girl (as a friend, of course). She has to realize that she's hooking up with the wrong guy. It's great that he's all sweet towards her but some red flags cannot be ignored. It would have been a different story if that guy was single and had no credit card debt. Tell her how you feel, even if it means alienating her or even losing her as a friend.

[zoe1983]

any other advice guys? She is really driving me nuts and ive run out of ideas on how to deal with her! I would really really appreciate ANY type of advice!

[Red_Shoes]

What good would it do either of you if you lost her as a friend? Yes you need to try and explain that you are worried about this man but you have to accept that she is an adult and will make her own decisions even if they go against your advice, especially if she has convinced herself she really loves him. She could equally convince herself that you are really really jealous or trying to hurt her if you express yourself too strongly against him- if/when this "relationship" falls apart she might need you

[Mary3]

Its not love. Its a drunken night of sex one time . From that they are talking marraige and divorce from the current wife he is cheating on with her.

 

You won't be able to convince her because * being in love and bragging about it * are far more important than realizing this guy is eating away at her bank account, having her pay for trips , CC debt , cheating on his wife to have sex with her.

 

This guy is trouble.

 

OF course he's being nice ! He has her where he wants her. She does NOT EVEN KNOW HIM ! She only knows of one night of sex and the fascination of pure lust and infatuation.