feeling bad

[anonymous regular]

i just need to share this. today, I was a total bitch to two people, and I feel really bad about it. I have no idea why I said what I said.

 

First person was a guy who's brother is in hospital, going through some serious surgeries. The guy was describing his brother's problems, and he was sort of ironic about it, and i laughed, though I felt totally sorry for the guy. I just kept saying "that's terrible" and laughing - mostly with embarassment. AHHH! I feel so bad. The guy had no choice but to laugh along with me.

 

I tried to make up for it by asking about his brother later in the day - but again, it came out weird - though I really wanted to know how his brother is doing, i asked with a smile. how stupid!... I have no idea why I kept acting like that though I felt totally different inside.

 

The other case was another guy, who was walking me to the subway. On the way, I bumped into another guy I know, and we decided to go somewhere before going to the subway. The guy who wanted to walk me just came with us, but in a couple of minutes, i said (to my own surprise): "didn't you say you're going to the subway?" - he sort of stopped and then said - "yeah, i was, bye then". And he left, and I kept going with the other guy. WHY I did that - I have NO idea - I totally wanted him to stay with us and walk me to the subway. The guy I bumped into is just an aquintance. I feel SO bad basically telling the first guy to get lost after he was nice enough to come with me, though it wasn't on the way, etc.

 

that's it.

 

Thanks for reading if you did.

 

I'm just disappointed at myself for acting differently from how I feel inside. I feel like I do it because I'm shy to do otherwise - as if I'm too shy to be nice to people. What a psycho, huh?

[Tony T]

Sounds like a few brain farts to me.

 

I wouldn't worry about what happened today. You may just have an excess of gas in your brain or there may be some temporary neurological crossing of wires. However, if this behavior persists...if you keep involuntarily saying things that you don't mean to say...if I were go I'd get down to a psychologist and/or a neurologist ASAP.

 

These behaviors could be symptomatic of some serious problems you need to deal with. But, again, don't do anything until you see this happening again.

 

By the way, could it possibly be a PMS thing?

[anonymous regular]

No, it's not PMS. Although it could be some brain-fuse overload!

 

It's just a strange defence mechanism (that's how i see it). this kind of story happens when I'm uncomfortable with people. When I don't feel comfortable, I get rude and mean. I've done this to some guys before, because they were being nice to me, and I felt too uncomfortable to be nice back. I thought I was past that stage, but I guess not entirely. On the other hand, I suppose it was just a mood.

 

People normally say i'm a very friendly and cheerful person.

 

Thanks for your comments!

Sounds like a few brain farts to me. I wouldn't worry about what happened today. You may just have an excess of gas in your brain or there may be some temporary neurological crossing of wires. However, if this behavior persists...if you keep involuntarily saying things that you don't mean to say...if I were go I'd get down to a psychologist and/or a neurologist ASAP. These behaviors could be symptomatic of some serious problems you need to deal with. But, again, don't do anything until you see this happening again. By the way, could it possibly be a PMS thing?

 

[Tony T]

You may need to learn some sort of behavioral modification to get over this. You can alienate a lot of people by doing this and some of them may be very important in your life.

 

Get help for this immediately.

 

Your explanation here is extremely interesting to me. I have had females be very nasty to me FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER...females I was very nice too...mostly friends. There behavior was highly irrational and there was no reason for their rudeness. In all cases, I terminated the relationship because I'd be damned if I was going to be treated nastily by people I had been ONLY nice to.

 

I would deeply appreciate it if you could possibly elaborate your feelings and your behavior in more detail. In what ways did you feel uncomfortable around them? For what reasons? What were they saying or doing that made you uncomfortable? It would help me greatly, perhaps, in understanding exactly what was going on in these people's heads who were mean to me for no reason.

 

This is interesting as hell.

 

I hope you know you are far better staying away from people you don't feel comfortable with than hurting them like you are doing. You don't strike me as a mean person but that's certainly the way you could be coming across. Most people don't take the time to try to understand why people are being mean to them...the just see the behavior and judge it.

 

Again, I hope you will accomodate me with more data about your situation. Many kind thanks.

[anonymous regular]

Hey Tony,

 

I'll try to explain it to you the best I can, it's interesting to me too, hehe. I've spent some time trying to analyze how this happens inside me.

 

Here's when I think all this started:

 

When I was younger, my mother told me that "i should never show interest in a man, unless he's trying to woo me". Something along those lines. I dont know if i was following that advice or what, but here's what I'd do:

 

I'd be very nice to girls, and very mean to boys. I'd basically exclude them from the conversation - BUT i did this ONLY to the boys I liked - I was a normal person with boys I was friends with, or simply wasn't attracted to.

 

It cost me - one guy I really liked was nice to me, I managed to respond a bit, but several days later I was quite nasty to him, and he forgot all about me after that.

 

Anyway, after a while I built up something - experience, maybe - and learned to be nice, friendly, and cheerful with people - gals and guys alike, even the guys i found attractive. However, I still couldn't brind myself to be nice to the boys i rlly liked. I literally had no clue how to act around them - I felt like if I'm nice, it makes it obvious how much I like them. So i was simply rude to them. Or nice, but in my own way, and nobody could tell I'm trying to be nice. Of course, they simply stayed away from me.

 

Later on, I got a bit better, and actually went out with someone. But, later, when a guy i REALLY liked asked me out, a strange thing happened:

 

i couldn't say yes to him. i felt like

 

1) if i say yes, he will eventually reject me, and that would be worse than never going out with him in the first place

 

2) if i say yes, i'm losing my dignity/pride/self-respect

 

Weird? like hell! But i couldn't help it - no matter how much i liked him inside, I acted half-indifferent, half-disinterested on the outside.

 

A month or so after he asked me out it turned out he was sure that I rejected him. How I did this - I don't know. When I mention it to my mother, she said that in no way could she guess by my behaviour that I liked this guy.

 

I'm working on this. I'm not entirely sure why I do this, except for being shy and young and never being taught how to act around boys i'm attracted to.

 

I do little things like - one guy said, jokingly - "im in love with you!", instead of flirting back, i said "stop scaring me!"... isn't that mean? im sure the guy felt hurt.

 

So, maybe those ladies who were mean to you - especially if they were young - it's possible that they were afraid to show their attraction. I believe this is a weird form of fear of rejection. If you dont say yes - u cannot be rejected later on. Staying at zero is safer than to get involved and risk losing.

 

This psychology also made me stick around guys whom i like who don't like me back. In that situation, I feel comfortable, but hurt. Once they show signs of liking them, I run like a rabbit. Maybe this is plain old fear of intimacy.

 

I'm a fairly complicated case, I think, and there's a huge mix of emotions that are hard to analyze and rationalize. However, I'm trying to work on it. There's a guy right now who I sort of like, and who might be interested as well. I am consciously letting myself be nice to him (as I wanna be) ... seeing if i can act like a human-girl this time, and if it can work out.

 

Here's another thing that might help u understand:

 

my teenage phantasy of an ideal r/s was:

 

a guy, who is doing ALL he can to woo me, and always gets rejected by the ice-queen-me ... and no matter how much i reject him, he keeps coming back, doing crazy stuff for me.

 

Thats what i thought was enjoyable - pushing away, and having him run back on n on...

 

Sick, eh??

 

I know, i've learned a lot about people since then, and about r/s being two-sided, etc. However, in my first long r/s, I had huge trouble expressing my feelings...

 

Sometimes I think my feeling dont get expressed properly b/c they're not strong enough, ie if i RLLY liked the guy, i'd show it no matter what.

 

I dont know.

 

Did this clear anything up for you, or only confused you more?

[Tony T]

This is fantastic stuff, great insight and information. I'm not sure if it cleared anything up for me or confused me more. I have to read it a few more times to really understand it.

 

I am so very grateful for you taking the time to write in such detail. It gives me a good look into the psyche of a lot of women who are in the vicinity of where you're at emotionally.

 

I'm not sure whether I would be glad you liked me or didn't like me. I don't know which would make me feel better. I have to really study this.

 

Thanks again so much for taking the time to write this. I think it will help everybody who reads it.

 

It's sort of a pleasant thought to think that all the women who have been mean to me really liked me a lot. There have been so many of them. Wow, maybe I am really loved after all!!!

[anonymous regular]

haha

 

im glad its interesting to you. i am also interesting to myself

 

but i agree - human psych is FASCINATING.

 

do you have any advice for me, by the way?

 

i should just keep on working towards expressing myself, right?

 

thanks

This is fantastic stuff, great insight and information. I'm not sure if it cleared anything up for me or confused me more. I have to read it a few more times to really understand it. I am so very grateful for you taking the time to write in such detail. It gives me a good look into the psyche of a lot of women who are in the vicinity of where you're at emotionally.

 

I'm not sure whether I would be glad you liked me or didn't like me. I don't know which would make me feel better. I have to really study this. Thanks again so much for taking the time to write this. I think it will help everybody who reads it. It's sort of a pleasant thought to think that all the women who have been mean to me really liked me a lot. There have been so many of them. Wow, maybe I am really loved after all!!!

[anonymous regular]

I don't know if ALL the women who were mean to you were so for the same reasons as mine, so don't over-flatter yrself

 

Although what other reason is there to be mean to someone who was nice to u? PMS?

This is fantastic stuff, great insight and information. I'm not sure if it cleared anything up for me or confused me more. I have to read it a few more times to really understand it. I am so very grateful for you taking the time to write in such detail. It gives me a good look into the psyche of a lot of women who are in the vicinity of where you're at emotionally.

 

I'm not sure whether I would be glad you liked me or didn't like me. I don't know which would make me feel better. I have to really study this. Thanks again so much for taking the time to write this. I think it will help everybody who reads it. It's sort of a pleasant thought to think that all the women who have been mean to me really liked me a lot. There have been so many of them. Wow, maybe I am really loved after all!!!

[Tony T]

Any advice for you.

 

Well, anger and fear are very related. It seems your fear of relationships and getting close is expressed by meanness...anger...hostility...whatever you want to call it.

 

I'd say you've got a lot of fear to deal with and I think you would need a competent psychologist to help you. However, working on yourself you'll probably get through this phase by yourself in a few years.

 

Once you realize just how much happiness and love you're robbing yourself by this sort of behavior, I think you'll make a very concerted effort to act differently.

 

You should spend a lot of time alone, relaxing and pondering this behavior. Then, when your out amongst the people, speak slowly...think about what you're going to say...and be kind and gentle to those guys who express an interest in you.

 

You don't have to be mean in order to reject somebody, if that's what you want to do. But you might just find a lot of happiness with one of these guys who makes a play for your. It might be worth a try just going with the flow sometime and not trying to fight it.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "Although what other reason is there to be mean to someone who was nice to u? PMS?"

 

I am never flattered when people are mean to me. But I have been trying to figure this behavior out for years. My experiences with this kind of behavior on the part of females I have been very nice to are not just isolated cases. It has happened often.

 

I really don't think it's got anything to do with PMS, either, because I have made charts out with some of them and the cycles of nastiness were way different from the period thing.

[anonymous regular]

Yeah, ill keep working on it. It's a long way, but it's pretty interesting... though not enjoyable at all times. I don't by any means regret having to go thru all this before i manage to have healthy r/s (which for some reason im sure i will do)

 

By the way, I might was well tell you which regular I am - I'm 'yes' That 20-year-old gal who keeps asking you too many questions.

 

I'll be back w/ more to ask, no doubt. Your advice is always useful. Including the one telling me not to ask the forum about _everything.

 

Thanks,

 

-yes

Any advice for you. Well, anger and fear are very related. It seems your fear of relationships and getting close is expressed by meanness...anger...hostility...whatever you want to call it. I'd say you've got a lot of fear to deal with and I think you would need a competent psychologist to help you. However, working on yourself you'll probably get through this phase by yourself in a few years. Once you realize just how much happiness and love you're robbing yourself by this sort of behavior, I think you'll make a very concerted effort to act differently. You should spend a lot of time alone, relaxing and pondering this behavior. Then, when your out amongst the people, speak slowly...think about what you're going to say...and be kind and gentle to those guys who express an interest in you.

 

You don't have to be mean in order to reject somebody, if that's what you want to do. But you might just find a lot of happiness with one of these guys who makes a play for your. It might be worth a try just going with the flow sometime and not trying to fight it.

[velvet]

1) if i say yes, he will eventually reject me, and that would be worse than never going out with him in the first place

 

2) if i say yes, i'm losing my dignity/pride/self-respect

 

And THATS exactly how I feel.

 

 

 

 

 

Hey Tony, I'll try to explain it to you the best I can, it's interesting to me too, hehe. I've spent some time trying to analyze how this happens inside me. Here's when I think all this started: When I was younger, my mother told me that "i should never show interest in a man, unless he's trying to woo me". Something along those lines. I dont know if i was following that advice or what, but here's what I'd do: I'd be very nice to girls, and very mean to boys. I'd basically exclude them from the conversation - BUT i did this ONLY to the boys I liked - I was a normal person with boys I was friends with, or simply wasn't attracted to. It cost me - one guy I really liked was nice to me, I managed to respond a bit, but several days later I was quite nasty to him, and he forgot all about me after that. Anyway, after a while I built up something - experience, maybe - and learned to be nice, friendly, and cheerful with people - gals and guys alike, even the guys i found attractive. However, I still couldn't brind myself to be nice to the boys i rlly liked. I literally had no clue how to act around them - I felt like if I'm nice, it makes it obvious how much I like them. So i was simply rude to them. Or nice, but in my own way, and nobody could tell I'm trying to be nice. Of course, they simply stayed away from me. Later on, I got a bit better, and actually went out with someone. But, later, when a guy i REALLY liked asked me out, a strange thing happened:

 

i couldn't say yes to him. i felt like 1) if i say yes, he will eventually reject me, and that would be worse than never going out with him in the first place 2) if i say yes, i'm losing my dignity/pride/self-respect

 

Weird? like hell! But i couldn't help it - no matter how much i liked him inside, I acted half-indifferent, half-disinterested on the outside.

 

A month or so after he asked me out it turned out he was sure that I rejected him. How I did this - I don't know. When I mention it to my mother, she said that in no way could she guess by my behaviour that I liked this guy. I'm working on this. I'm not entirely sure why I do this, except for being shy and young and never being taught how to act around boys i'm attracted to. I do little things like - one guy said, jokingly - "im in love with you!", instead of flirting back, i said "stop scaring me!"... isn't that mean? im sure the guy felt hurt.

 

So, maybe those ladies who were mean to you - especially if they were young - it's possible that they were afraid to show their attraction. I believe this is a weird form of fear of rejection. If you dont say yes - u cannot be rejected later on. Staying at zero is safer than to get involved and risk losing. This psychology also made me stick around guys whom i like who don't like me back. In that situation, I feel comfortable, but hurt. Once they show signs of liking them, I run like a rabbit. Maybe this is plain old fear of intimacy. I'm a fairly complicated case, I think, and there's a huge mix of emotions that are hard to analyze and rationalize. However, I'm trying to work on it. There's a guy right now who I sort of like, and who might be interested as well. I am consciously letting myself be nice to him (as I wanna be) ... seeing if i can act like a human-girl this time, and if it can work out.

 

Here's another thing that might help u understand:

 

my teenage phantasy of an ideal r/s was:

 

a guy, who is doing ALL he can to woo me, and always gets rejected by the ice-queen-me ... and no matter how much i reject him, he keeps coming back, doing crazy stuff for me. Thats what i thought was enjoyable - pushing away, and having him run back on n on... Sick, eh?? I know, i've learned a lot about people since then, and about r/s being two-sided, etc. However, in my first long r/s, I had huge trouble expressing my feelings... Sometimes I think my feeling dont get expressed properly b/c they're not strong enough, ie if i RLLY liked the guy, i'd show it no matter what.

 

I dont know. Did this clear anything up for you, or only confused you more?

[anonymous regular]

you feel same? wow, cool! never met anyone who felt or admited that they felt like this

 

i think its possible to get over it by cosnciouslly working on yrself tho...

 

we'll keep each other updated on this forum

1) if i say yes, he will eventually reject me, and that would be worse than never going out with him in the first place 2) if i say yes, i'm losing my dignity/pride/self-respect

 

And THATS exactly how I feel.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "2) if i say yes, i'm losing my dignity/pride/self-respect"

 

And just how are you doing that by agreeing to go out with somebody?

 

Are you planning on becoming a nun?

 

The stuff is way beyond my comprehension. I think I'll go visit the comic book forum.