Does anyone know someone like this?

[NedFlanders]

I have a friend who has been with the same guy since she was 15 years old. He was 25 when they got together so pretty much it was illegal. Any way it has been an abusive marraige for 20 years, and no matter what I do to make her understand she doesnt realize that she deserves better. To her this is all there is because she has been totally controlled her entire life. Told what to do, what to say, what to wear, where to go, etc. Is there any help for someone like this? I mean take this as a example, if you lock up a kid inside a house and keep them away from any human contact until they were say 30, this kid will not know how to think for themselves. This is basically her.

[Angel1111]

I have never known anyone like that personally but I can tell you that until I was actually in an abusive relationship, I never really got it as to why women stayed with these men. This must've been Life's way of making me get it. My history has nothing to do with abuse - I was raised by wonderful parents, had a close family, etc. I was married before, had many relationships and, honestly, never believed people like abusers even existed.

 

I was about 38 when I met him. So, I had a long history of non-abuse. In other words, my frame-of-reference was a little different than a lot of people who are abused. Within 2 weeks of dating him, I knew there was something wrong because he ranted at some guy for cutting him off in traffic. I can't stand men who have no control over their tempers and this was a big turn-off for me. It may seem like a small thing but the alarm bells went off in my head. I decided then that I needed to break up with him. But I was really attracted to him and didn't want to do that. So, I told myself that I just wouldn't get too involved and that I'd never marry him. (Yeah, right.) Another incident was when he was really angry at someone and shouted at them over the phone. When he hung up, I said, "Don't ever turn your anger on me like that." He said he'd never do that. Again, I was completely naive.

 

Long story short, we were married for 4 yrs and only lived together for 2 yrs (not consecutively). This relationship truly brought me to my knees. I don't know of any other way to describe it. It was like crawling through a black mind, a minefield. I equally felt like nobody and everybody around him. The thing I remember the most was that I felt myself going away, like the real me was drifting off to another place, and the shell that remained was someone else.

 

Abuse has a clutching effect. The abused feels that they want to escape but also have a life-threatening fear that they won't be able to survive without their abuser. And I mean this literally - it feels life-threatening. I do not understand the dynamics of this mind-set except to say that in extreme circumstances, it must be the mind's way of latching on and disconnecting at the same time in order to survive. Getting out of that relationship was truly the hardest thing I have ever done. And, honestly, I could not do it all at once. I had to do it gradually until I got more used to my new life without him than the other way around. Finally, I remembered that my life was better without him and I walked away for good.

 

After that, I spent the next 6 mos basically hibernating because I was so drained. I couldn't deal with any pressure, friends, anything. All I did was go to work and take care of my son. I wasn't capable of doing anything else. And it was the best thing I could've done for myself because I finally healed from the hell I had been in.

 

For your friend, I don't even know that it occurs to her to leave, or to want to leave. This is basically all she has ever known. It is really sad but the more you try to pull her away, the more threatened she will feel - by you. Pretty soon, she'll start to see you as a threat if you continue to push it. If you care about her, then the best thing to do is to be her friend and let her decide for herself. If she vents about what an ass he is, then let her vent, and keep your comments minimal - and don't judge her. If she feels she can turn to you, she just may do so if anything really bad happens. If he starts to physically abuse her, you can call the cops but she'll probably resent you for it - just be prepared for that. There's probably not much else you can do.

[NedFlanders]

There's probably not much else you can do.

 

That is the problem that has put me in such of a state of depression I am in right now. I litterally beat myself up everyday trying to figure out a way to help her. What makes it even worse is she is religious and she finally got the courage to leave. She told her pastor that she does not love him, so his advice was "God doesnt want you to be happy he wanrs you to be holy", and that maybe one day she will learn to love him. So after that she went right back to him. This is hurting me more than I could ever say.

[Angel1111]

That is the problem that has put me in such of a state of depression I am in right now. I litterally beat myself up everyday trying to figure out a way to help her. What makes it even worse is she is religious and she finally got the courage to leave. She told her pastor that she does not love him, so his advice was "God doesnt want you to be happy he wanrs you to be holy", and that maybe one day she will learn to love him. So after that she went right back to him. This is hurting me more than I could ever say.

 

So, she's not only letting her husband control her, but religion, too. Very sad. Hopefully, she will get her own mind and stop listening to both of these idiots.

 

Things with her husband are now going to get much worse because she has proven to him that he can lose her. This makes abusive people extremely angry and it won't take him long to become even more of a monster than she ever imagined. It's my guess that she won't stay for too long. At least I hope she won't. I can see how this hurts you and I wish I could offer you better advice. Just stay close to her and be there for her.

[NedFlanders]

Thank you for your comments. What finally clicked in your head that made you leave? "Just stay close to her and be there for her" is literally it feels is killing me. People say she has made her decision so deal with it, but like I said she have been controlled her entire life she thinks like a 15 yo not a 40 yo.

[Angel1111]

What clicked in my head? I really don't know. I know that I talked to my sister and friends about him a lot. It was kind of like a sanity check. Abusers can have you believing that all the things that are happening are your fault. Fortunately I had people to talk to. And then I just started feeling stupid for staying with him.

 

I think the biggest turning point was when several people in my family were over my house, and H was there. We were separated at the time and he wasn't living with me but he was there. Everyone was laughing and having a good time when H got pissed about something and completely blew up at me. Everybody stopped dead and just stared at him. My nephew stood up and was about to beat the crap out of him, just waiting for him to make a move toward me or anyone else. I really don't remember much of what happened after that except that I'll never forget the look on my cousin's faces - they looked like they had been slapped square in the face. I was so totally embarassed by his behavior. I knew it was over after that.

 

This is why it's so important for you to stay close to her. She needs to know that her life is not normal. She needs to know that she's not the problem. It will be really hard for her to make changes but because she left before, I'm encouraged that she'll leave again.

[NedFlanders]

This is why it's so important for you to stay close to her. She needs to know that her life is not normal. She needs to know that she's not the problem. It will be really hard for her to make changes but because she left before, I'm encouraged that she'll leave again.

 

From your mouth to Gods ears, but when you have a pastor teliing you to give it another shot and all the other stuff I said I doubt she will ever grow up and realize she deservers better. It hurts me so bad that I know I shouldnt but I have found myself trying to pick arguements with her just to somehow I dont know ease the pain for me if that makes any sense.

[GPFan]

People say she has made her decision so deal with it, but like I said she have been controlled her entire life she thinks like a 15 yo not a 40 yo.

Nothing you say will ever get her to leave. If she were forced out (such as a domestic violence incident), she would fight to go back.

 

She is probably more terrified of the outside world than she ever would be of him.

[NedFlanders]

She is probably more terrified of the outside world than she ever would be of him.

You are exactly right with him she has to worry about nothing. Alone she has to worry about bills, and other stuff people dead with each day. This is someone who was not allowed to have a checking accout, credit card, or even debit card. I just dont know how to handle it for myself, because I aleready suffer from suicidal depression and this is just putting me over the edge.

[zxcirce]

You are exactly right with him she has to worry about nothing. Alone she has to worry about bills, and other stuff people dead with each day. This is someone who was not allowed to have a checking accout, credit card, or even debit card. I just dont know how to handle it for myself, because I aleready suffer from suicidal depression and this is just putting me over the edge.

 

Hi Ned. I read some of your past posts and feel for you. However you're probably not going to like what i have to say. I see this situation as similar to that of an addict, in that the only way you can help her and yourself is to cut her off. If you're suicidally depressed already, it's not going to help you to watch your friend self-destruct and know there's nothing you can do to help.

 

If and when she makes the decision to leave, she will have to do it on her own. You can let her know you'll be there for her when this time comes, but not before. Give her the number of shelters in your area and step back. This is not your fight. By trying to fight it you're just hurting yourself.

[Angel1111]

Hi Ned. I read some of your past posts and feel for you. However you're probably not going to like what i have to say. I see this situation as similar to that of an addict, in that the only way you can help her and yourself is to cut her off. If you're suicidally depressed already, it's not going to help you to watch your friend self-destruct and know there's nothing you can do to help.

 

If and when she makes the decision to leave, she will have to do it on her own. You can let her know you'll be there for her when this time comes, but not before. Give her the number of shelters in your area and step back. This is not your fight. By trying to fight it you're just hurting yourself.

 

I totally agree with this. I didn't know it was affecting you like that. As hard as it is to watch, please remember that your friend would not put up with it unless there was some pay-off for her, no matter how much she vents about it, or how much she would deny that. She could've easily told the priest that her husband was abusive, but she chose not to. We all have hidden agendas that sometimes even we're not aware of. It might be good to just throw out a question every now and then when she complains and say, "And you're with him for what reason?" and leave it at that. Let her figure it out. When she has had enough - and only then - will she get out. But that may never happen and you need to remember that it's her choice.

 

For your own peace of mind, you need to learn to detach from it - meaning listen to her without getting emotionally involved. If you can't do that then you're going to have to limit your involvement with her. As stated above, this is not your fight.

[NedFlanders]

For your own peace of mind, you need to learn to detach from it - meaning listen to her without getting emotionally involved. If you can't do that then you're going to have to limit your involvement with her. As stated above, this is not your fight.

 

First off thank you everyone for the advice. I do know I need to learn to detach myself emotionally, but still be her freind. That is easier said than done. Its like watching someone jump in the ocean and you know they cannot swim. No matter how much you scream they do it anyway.