proudcanadianmom Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 Why would my close guy friend (recently single) constantly tell me almost every time we talk that he is NOT sexually attracted to me and that he never wants to have sex with me? The reason I ask is that I have made it clear months ago that I am happily married and I will never cheat. He has been cheated on by his last 2 girlfriends so I figure that he would never cheat and that cheating would really bother him etc. and wanted to make that clear to me. Which is fine by me!! What I can't understand is that although we have put up that boundary long ago, he continues to very strongly tell me he is NOT sexually attracted to me at all and never will, but that he is very attracted to my personality and my "soul". I do not start the topic of sex and he always does. I do not flirt with him, and I've only acted like his close friend. He tells me that I am his guardian angel, that he wants to be my very best friend, he's always giving me hugs & touches my hand, he constantly compliments me, he always offers to help me with anything (for example I'll say "I'm going to have my basement finished soon" and he'll jump in with "oh I can help you with that!", he wants to have coffee with me every week, he tells me very strongly that he loves me almost every time we talk (he makes a big deal out of saying he loves me, he says it first and adds "do you understand that...do you?"). The other day, after saying how much he loves me, he said he was going to tell me all about his sex & dating life and he said this in a strong, almost angry way. It almost seemed to me like a jealous kind of statement that came "out of no where". One time he even said to me "you know all those times I flirted with you...well, um...ah...I wasn't ah, like not really flirting" (he stuttered). The last time I talked to him, after he brought up the topic of his not wanting me sexually, I told him yet again that I'm happily married and that he doesn't need to constantly lecture me about the fact that he doesn't "want" me sexually. He said "well that's good because there's no way in hell I'd ever date you" (he was drunk at the time, not to excuse that!) He told me that last weekend he didn't return my call sooner because he needed "time to reflect", although I know he has talked to other people during that time. I usually talk to him once a week and 85% of the time, he calls me first. I swear, I do not bring up the topic of sex or about dating him in any way, I do not behave in a way a married woman shouldn't. Please don't lecture me on this. I just can't understand why he just can't stop telling me how he doesn't find me sexually attractive. Is this what platonic friends constantly say to each other? I've never had a close male friend before since my best friend is my husband. And yes, my husband does hang out with my guy friend on occasion, so I'm not keeping any secrets! Why would my close guy friend repeat over & over again to me (he initiates that conversation) that he doesn't want me sexually? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 I can say with authority that I've never mentioned sex and me in the same sentence with any of my platonic female friends over the years. The closest I came was/is with one special friend with whom I did have romantic feelings for and checked with her to see if I had ever "hit on" her, to which she responded in the negative. I can therefore be commended for my self control IMO, it sounds like this guy is trying to convince himself of something. Tell him to do it privately (to himself). Such talk will eventually make you tire of him, if that isn't happening already. It smacks of insecurities. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 Yes, it sounds like he's trying to convince himself. On the otherhand, why does it bother you? Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 While I was reading your post.. I thought .. this guy is gay... and that's what he's trying to tell you.. that he wants you around him.. like his best friend but do not want sex or is not sexually attracted to you.. Just my 2 bucks.. Link to post Share on other sites
NotMyselfNEmore Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 I think he IS attracted to you and he DOES want to have sex with you. It's human nature to try to overly empasize the one thing we are guilty of. He's trying to convince himself and you of something that's right there, obvious. I think he wants you to hear his words so that when you begin to wonder about his actions, you can say "oh yeah, but he's told me he's not attracted to me" and you don't call his bluff. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 Lizzie, it's possible he might be a closet gay, but I took the OP to infer he was recently out of a straight relationship. If he were openly gay, I'm assuming she'd know. Interesting thought though.... My initial take was that he is insecure (intrinsically or situationally) and was over-compensating by repeating himself. Also, I think he has some latent feelings for his friend. The old adage of he doth protesteth too much.... Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 Well from what I read.. if he is constantly repeating that he's not sexually attracted to her.. blablabla.. I think he's either a gay (still in closet) a previous straight relationship doesn't prove anything.. or he's simply an idiot.. and he just don't know how to have a decent mature conversation.. he lacks in this field.. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 Why would my close guy friend (recently single) constantly tell me almost every time we talk that he is NOT sexually attracted to me and that he never wants to have sex with me? The reason I ask is that I have made it clear months ago that I am happily married and I will never cheat He's testing you. Or he thinks YOU are into him and he's letting you know he's not interested. Or he has developed feelings for you and just seeing how you react. Either way, it's a weird way for friends to act towards eachother. Your friendship with him is crossing lines because of the flirting and sex talk. And, the touching. Does your husband know how close you are with him on an emotional level? Does he know the stuff you two talk about? And, would you be OK with your husband having a recently single female friend, doing what you're doing with your male friend? Having those flirty conversations, allowing another woman to pump up his ego, offer to help him out, go for coffee with him, hang out with him, email him, and then talk about sex, joke that she doesn't really want him sexually..How would you feel if the situation was reversed. Link to post Share on other sites
tealeafbud Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 You need to be firm with him if you still want to be his friend. Tell him that it makes you uncomfortable that he constantly tells you that he's not sexually attracted to you. Hopefully he will stop. He might be playing games with your head. Maybe he is just making you aware about sex so that you will give in at some point in time. it makes for a very awkward situation. Just be strong and tell him to stop. If he doesn't, then find a new friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author proudcanadianmom Posted May 30, 2008 Author Share Posted May 30, 2008 I wanted to thank you all very much for your comments. Every one of your posts were very helpful to me. Thank you for not lecturing me...I just had no where else to turn. As an update, he has continued to say "we're just friends... I don't want to have sex with you now or ever etc" and he is the one to bring this up. I said to him "ok, am I doing something wrong here because I only want to be friends too". He said, "oh no sweetheart, you've done nothing wrong....I just need to say we're just friends for my benefit, not yours" Then he said something mumbled about "dealing with sexual tension". Then he started talking about how he has trust issues with women, and that he just wants friendship with me....for now". I said, "well stop repeating that because I'm happily married...etc" Then later in the conversation he said out of the blue, "am I IN love with you? YES!! am I in lust with you? NO! I'm not sexually attracted to you at all!" to which I replied, "ok, that's it....you have to stop right now or we can't be friends". I haven't heard from him for two weeks now. Anyway, thanks so much to each and every one of you for your very helpful viewpoints. I really appreciate it! Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted May 30, 2008 Share Posted May 30, 2008 I wanted to thank you all very much for your comments. Every one of your posts were very helpful to me. Thank you for not lecturing me...I just had no where else to turn. As an update, he has continued to say "we're just friends... I don't want to have sex with you now or ever etc" and he is the one to bring this up. I said to him "ok, am I doing something wrong here because I only want to be friends too". He said, "oh no sweetheart, you've done nothing wrong....I just need to say we're just friends for my benefit, not yours" Then he said something mumbled about "dealing with sexual tension". Then he started talking about how he has trust issues with women, and that he just wants friendship with me....for now". I said, "well stop repeating that because I'm happily married...etc" Then later in the conversation he said out of the blue, "am I IN love with you? YES!! am I in lust with you? NO! I'm not sexually attracted to you at all!" to which I replied, "ok, that's it....you have to stop right now or we can't be friends". I haven't heard from him for two weeks now. Anyway, thanks so much to each and every one of you for your very helpful viewpoints. I really appreciate it! He sounds like a stupid id***. What is his problem ? He digs you ALOT . He can't have you . THATS his problem. SO he makes dumb comments because everything he SAYS he MEANS. He does find you attractive. He would sleep you. He simply cannot seperate the fact that you are a beautiful women that he can't have....whether its because you are married or if you just simply are NOT atttracted to him in a romantic way. I would NOT consider this clown as a friend anymore. Let it go. What a ______. ~!@ Link to post Share on other sites
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