Manipulative/Creepy “friend” making it look like the problem is with me

[NoChance]

Hey guys, I’m a long time lurker and usually I find answers to my questions in other threads, but this one just has me stumped and any insight would be greatly appreciated.

 

I apologize about the length but it’s quite the story, edited for reading ease, and actually entertaining. So please help.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I moved into a new apartment building after transferring to an out of state college this fall. In the first week, I met this guy we’ll call Jim. Because it was a week until class started, and Jim and I both didn’t know anyone else we stuck up a friendship. I smoke and have a few brews daily and Jim was down with it all so I thought everything was cool, as I had a friend before classes even started in a new city.

 

Within a few days, Jim began to show his true colours. I had not known him for a week; I didn’t even know his last name or much about him. Around this time he got my cell # and began to call me. He would call every day, calling over and over if I didn’t pick up immediately (3+ times in a row, letting it completely ring out every time). I would still invite him to come by once in a while (mostly out of feeling sorry for him), and in the meantime I would ignore his calls and make up an excuse when I spoke to him as I was busy with other things, this being the week before college started. Then the weekend before classes started I went back home to get some things, leaving my local cell behind and bringing my home cell. I returned after the weekend to 19 missed calls on my local cell from him in a 2.5-day period. Extremely creeped out, I began completely screening his calls, and he began to call me from blocked numbers and other numbers I didn’t recognize. When I pick up, the same thing every time: “Hey man whats up want to chill ?” He would act like calling me repeatedly in a row, or resorting to tricking me to answering was normal, and he’d follow it up with asking me to chill. Despite being weirded out, I assumed he just didn’t have any friends and was lonely/bored so I was friendly to him while trying to avoid him at the same time.

 

Then the first week of classes started. I met a couple of other guys who were in all of my classes who were pretty chill. We stuck up a friendship, studying in the libraries, hitting the bar occasionally, they’d always come over to my apartment to chill etc. Jim saw us always hanging out and because we were friendly to him, he attached himself to us, trying to be a part of the group. I took him as an introvert who just didn’t know how to fit in, so I gave him another chance and introduced him to everyone. Everyone sooner or later came to the conclusion I had, that there was just something really weird about him and he was way to clingy to people he didn’t really know.

 

This is where it gets interesting. I then found out Jim was a hardcore alcoholic. Around this time I found out he drinks to pass out every single night. I never drank too hard with Jim prior, so I was unaware of the emotional roller coaster he goes through when he gets a buzz. One time I mistakenly mentioned in front of Jim a few people were coming over for drinks and he pretty much invited himself. Then we all met the real Jim. After a few drinks, he was a loud obnoxious drunk, commandeering my sound system, blasting it and constantly interrupting our conversations saying, “hey you guys have to hear this song etc”. A few more drinks and he was telling us stories that were obviously lies of him attempting to make himself appear better. Then when the good feeling from the liquor wore off, he moved to the angry drunk. He blamed me for making him an alcoholic again by offering him beer the first week. He blamed my friends for not really caring about him because if we did we would force him into rehab. All during this, he is shouting and screaming, over talking anyone that tries to reply to him. Then he moves to this crying drunk asking us why we are mean to him, and how he can tell we don’t really like him. He never actually gives anyone a chance to say anything and just keeps this up until I end the night. Now everyone else had consumed roughly the same amount of alcohol as well so it’s not like he just had some ridiculous amount of liquor.

 

Because our apartments are so close, he can tell when I have people over. It’s gotten to the point where he just shows up on weekends when he sees my car parked in its spot. Or he calls me from someone I don’t knows phone saying something like “hey I heard your having the guys over for drinks, I’m right beside your place, should I get dropped off”? How do I even respond to that? Its like he puts me in a situation where the only way I can say no is by being obviously rude to him, which he has picked up on that I don’t want to do. I dont understand why if he picks up on that I dont like him, he keeps calling me and inviting himself over. He is even beginning to affect my grades now. This past Thursday, he called me early evening asking if I wanted to chill/drink. I told him no I’m studying for a midterm I have early tomorrow and I plan on sleeping early. After his attempts to change my mind didn’t work, I ended the call. Later that night, while sleeping I heard my phone ring. I knew it was him because I have assigned him a different ring tone. At 1ish, he called 2-3 times in a row(not sure I was half asleep), with me angrily picking up the last time. Sensing my anger on the phone, he tried to make it look like he was calling me in the middle of the night because he wanted to remind me of the registration deadline (which was weeks away). After I told him I was aware, he was like soo… umm … want to hang out? I replied with a you’ve got to be kidding me, and I hung up on him.

 

For the last few weekends, he has done pretty much the same thing and regularly ruins everyone’s night. I try to talk to him when he is sober about what he does, and he somehow turns the conversation into a guilt trip laden spectacle that leaves me feeling bad for calling him out. He gives me this speech about how he’s never had a problem with anyone but me about his drinking, but he wont drink around me because it’s a problem with me. Half my friends hate him, the other half feel bad for him and think I’m too mean because they give in to his sob stories. However no one besides me, will actually say anything. This weekend was the breaking point for me. After having a few drinks, he thought it would be a good idea for him to tell everyone else at my place, including myself, what he thinks is wrong with them. Everyone tried to ignore him, but I finally blew up at him. I was like you really want to know why I don’t respect or like you, and before I could even get into it, his attitude did a complete 180 and he reverted back to telling us how he hates his life, he cuts his arms (not a single scar on his arms) and has thought abut suicide.

 

I’m not sure what to do. I’ve done pretty much everything besides directly telling him to **** off and not call me or talk to me. Its obvious that he is just desperate for attention, as when he drinks the only thing missing, is him holding a sign saying “I’m an attention whore look at me.”

 

Any advice on how to handle the situation would be great. Its gotten to the point where he even had me doubting myself temporarily, thinking maybe I get mad to easily or was too hard on him. Half my friends see him like I do, the other half think he’s just a nice guy who cant get control himself when he drinks and they excuse him because of that.

 

What should I do?

[Pedigree]

I had a "friend" like that back in high school. He didn't call excessively or showed a whole different range of personalities when he was drunk. But what an attention whore he was and very good at guilt tripping.

 

Your best option is to avoid him. If you want to chill out and have a drink, go to a bar or something. As far as the calling excessively goes, might want to get a new phone number or something. Also if he tries to guilt trip you, just say "Who the hell was it who regularly shows up uninvited and ruins the night? Don't try and make me feel bad for being angry at you."

[quankanne]

change your number, and move if possible. Because otherwise, you'll never get rid of him. You might also mention Alcoholics Anonymous to him, though if he's the vengeful type he might try to get even rather than avoid you so he doesn't have to hear it.

 

have you spoken with the local police department about his harassment? They might have some tips for you.

[NoChance]

Thanks for the replies guys

 

I dont think changing my number will achieve anything. He just finds a away around it. I dont pick up his home line, private numbers or numbers I dont recognize so its pretty hard for him to contact me. So now what he does now, if he sees one of my friends on campus, he literally follows them around and asks them to borrow their cell phone. I pick up a call expecting to hear my friend and instantly when I hear his stupid voice I figure out what he's done.

 

There was also an incident where he ran into one of my friends who wasnt upto speed with how he is. My friend offhand mentioned how after class he was coming by my place when they talked about their plans for the day. Jim followed my friend around the entire day and then came with him to my place. I opened my door, to see my friend with an "I'm Sorry" look on his face and Jim standing right behind him saying "Hey whats up man, thought i'd join the party".

 

If I change my number, I know he will run into one of my friends, borrow their cell and cop my number off it.

 

I also cannot move as I am locked into a year long lease. Plus I am in a very desirable building that has a waiting list to get into.

 

I dont want to be too mean to him, because I can see him doing something crazy like vandalizing my car. At the same time I want him out of my life, and to stop trying to get back in by befriending my other friends.

[quankanne]

check with the cops then, it's probably your safest bet.

 

this situation has 'scary' written all over it ...

[Pedigree]

I agree with Quankanne. Go to the cops. I'm thinking restraining order but would that be too excessive?

[Rachel_0814p]

You have to be very clear and direct with obsessive people like this, or they will never leave you alone. I've gone through this sort of thing 3 times already. For a while it was so stressful and exascerbating that I was actually afraid to meet new people.

 

My advice is to warn everyone you know about your situation with him and then tell him to f*** off. Tell him you tried really hard to be his friend but he just crossed the line. Tell him that he calls way too much. Tell him that the way he'd acted when he was drunk was just too much and he's not welcome at your place anymore. Tell him that you're not responsible for his entertainment and shouldn't have to put up with him inviting himself everywhere and tagging along where he's not wanted. Tell him he's just way too intense to the point that it's freaky and so you're ending the friendship.

 

Hopefully he doesn't go all Cable Guy on your ass!!

 

Just make sure that before you dump him, everyone knows the situation and that he knows everyone knows, in case he turns out to be psycho and not just socially-inept.

[MissMaris]

Ew, yuck....creepy friend! I had one of those too. She was a true stalker and it got really wierd really fast.

 

You have to cut them off cold and be real direct and blunt about it. Otherwise, they don't get the hint. You can't 'be nice' because they take that as an invitation.

These are mentally unbalanced people who don't understand social cues. It's different than just being an introvert or someone who is socially awkward.....this guy is TROUBLE.

 

Tell him you are no longer interested in maintaining a friendship. Just say, "We have nothing in common," and if he tries to argue, just block him. Say, "I don't want to hang with you anymore. Sorry."

If he persists, say, "If you continue to call me, I'll file harrassment charges"

 

Something tells me this is probably not the first time someone will have said that to him

[NoChance]

Thanks for the suggestions guys. The main problem I'm having is the way its making me seem.

 

Like tonight for example. I had not heard from Jim for almost a week and was hoping he moved on. Today due to the Thursday night NFL game, I invited some friends over to watch. Within 30 minutes of people being over he called me and I didnt pick up. He then called another one of my friends who was watching the game. Now my friend has never been called freakishly by Jim, so he didnt see Jim the same way I do. He got into a slight argument with me while Jim was on the phone with himthat I am being unnecesarily mean to him. He ended the call to Jim, and then me and my other friend explained why we dont like Jim over the next 10 minutes.

 

Next thing I know Jim is knocking on my door with the usual acting like we're great friends and he didnt just hear an arguement of how I dont want him over. I was very surprised and Jim just walked in and joined everyone watching the game. After about 5 minutes of Jim talking like there wasnt an awkward tense feeling in the room, My other friend just told him maybe it would be better if you left and Jim finally got up looking like he was going to cry and he left.

 

Now I feel like such a piece of **** even though I know I had to do it. I can only wonder what my friends think of me. The rest of the game, everyone seemed down, it was quiet and my friends left much earlier than we had planned. I feel like Jim is turning my friends against me. I just dont get it, no matter what I do I cant get rid of him, and he just makes me look worse and worse in front of everyone.

[burning 4 revenge]

Woah. It sounds like you're going to have to beat this guy up. I don't know any other solution.

 

The only oher thing I can think of is to introduce him to Loveshack and maybe he'll become addicted to it and stay home.