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An old friend of mine is getting married this fall. She is marrying her bf of 4 years who is a completely worthless pile of sh*t. They live together, he has no job and isn't really trying to do anything besides sit on his ass and spend her money. He's also abusive and just all around an ********* and loser.

 

I'm invited to the wedding but I don't want to go. Why would I want to go celebrate a marriage i am against. The wedding is in WA state so i would have to fly there. Earlier today I was talking with her on aim and mentioned casually that I wasn't sure if i could come, I stated the cost and distance as the reasons. To my surprise she was pretty offended and made me feel really guilty. She knows I hate the guy and i think she's ruining her life so i don't see why she would want me there.

 

Should I just put the friendship first and go? It's one of those situations where i really can't tell if I'm in the wrong.

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Star Gazer

I feel for you. I was the MOH in my BF's wedding, and I still don't particularly care for her now-husband. In fact, I kinda hate him now because she told me on my birthday that she and her H recently got into a physical fight. :mad:

 

I think you should go, if only to support her (as opposed to the marriage). Friendship doesn't mean you have to agree with all of their choices. If/when her marriage falls apart, you don't want her to be fearful of coming to do for fear of hearing, "I told you so."

 

The cost/drama associated with attending wedding sucks, but they're a necessary evil. You'd want her to be there for you, wouldn't you?

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I feel for you. I was the MOH in my BF's wedding, and I still don't particularly care for her now-husband. In fact, I kinda hate him now because she told me on my birthday that she and her H recently got into a physical fight. :mad:

 

I think you should go, if only to support her (as opposed to the marriage). Friendship doesn't mean you have to agree with all of their choices. If/when her marriage falls apart, you don't want her to be fearful of coming to do for fear of hearing, "I told you so."

 

The cost/drama associated with attending wedding sucks, but they're a necessary evil. You'd want her to be there for you, wouldn't you?

 

That's where I am torn, I want to support HER, her as a person and my friend, but I cannot support this choice.

 

Of course we don't always think our friends make the best choices but this one is a huge life long mistake.

 

Also, I's feel almost phony going.

 

Does your friend know how you feel about her hubby? How does she feel about it?

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Star Gazer
That's where I am torn, I want to support HER, her as a person and my friend, but I cannot support this choice.

 

Of course we don't always think our friends make the best choices but this one is a huge life long mistake.

 

Also, I's feel almost phony going.

 

Does your friend know how you feel about her hubby? How does she feel about it?

 

When I got my boobs done (in case ya didn't know!) I had some friends who were all for it, some friends who thought I was silly, and some friends (okay, actually just one in particular) who was flat out disturbed by it and very much against it. Knowing that she was against it, it meant the WORLD to me that she drove me to a follow-up appointment, and visited me during my recovery.

 

I think the same support-the-friend-regardless-of-the-choice applies here. We cannot abandon our friends simply because they are making what WE believe is the wrong decision.

 

I didn't think my BFF knew exactly how I feel about her H until the day AFTER the wedding. The wedding was a destination wedding, with lots of hoopla and whatnot (and other under-cover drama...too much to get into, but she should NOT have gotten married), and as I was getting in the cab to go to the airport, I started crying. I was actually crying bc I felt like I lost my BFF, not because I thought it was wrong (at that moment, anyway). She hugged me and said, "I know you worry about me, but I'll be okay." The look in her eyes told me she knew I felt he wasn't the right one for her...but I was there anyway. Through it all. I know that meant a lot to her too.

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When I got my boobs done (in case ya didn't know!) I had some friends who were all for it, some friends who thought I was silly, and some friends (okay, actually just one in particular) who was flat out disturbed by it and very much against it. Knowing that she was against it, it meant the WORLD to me that she drove me to a follow-up appointment, and visited me during my recovery.

 

I think the same support-the-friend-regardless-of-the-choice applies here. We cannot abandon our friends simply because they are making what WE believe is the wrong decision.

 

I didn't think my BFF knew exactly how I feel about her H until the day AFTER the wedding. The wedding was a destination wedding, with lots of hoopla and whatnot (and other under-cover drama...too much to get into, but she should NOT have gotten married), and as I was getting in the cab to go to the airport, I started crying. I was actually crying bc I felt like I lost my BFF, not because I thought it was wrong (at that moment, anyway). She hugged me and said, "I know you worry about me, but I'll be okay." The look in her eyes told me she knew I felt he wasn't the right one for her...but I was there anyway. Through it all. I know that meant a lot to her too.

 

Blah, I feel bad now. But I think you're right.

 

Your example makes sense but to me a breast job isn't a mistake that will ruin your life like an abusive a-hole will.

 

I think I need to shut up and go, it's just had for me to shut up :o:laugh:

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curiousnycgirl

I have two friends who married men I did not feel were the right choices. In advance of each wedding I had numerous convesations with each during which I said I would always be there for them, but did they really think they had found "the one" etc.

 

I was in both wedding parties and stood there with joy at how happy my friends were.

 

The first marriage ended in a very ugly divorce - I flew to CA (from NYC) paid first and last months' rent for her new apartment (which I found for her) and moved her stuff while her STXH was who knows where.

 

The second couple just had their first baby - and have decided that since he has not held a job during their entire courtship and marriage, that he will be the stay at home dad. They are very happy together. I don't understand it, but I am happy for her happiness.

 

I think we need to be there for our friends ALWAYS. We would be remiss if we did not express our misgivings (not harp on them, just express them), but we need to be there for them regardless.

 

That's just my two cents

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allina,

i feel for you I've been in a similar situation. My BFF was dating a jerk and when she asked me what I thought of his action I told her.

Thank go she eventually left him.

 

But i think you should go it is a big day for her and you should support her.

Does she know how you feel about the B.F?

 

Maybe in a nice subtle express your misgiving once and after that just be a supportive friend.

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I have two friends who married men I did not feel were the right choices. In advance of each wedding I had numerous convesations with each during which I said I would always be there for them, but did they really think they had found "the one" etc.

 

I was in both wedding parties and stood there with joy at how happy my friends were.

 

The first marriage ended in a very ugly divorce - I flew to CA (from NYC) paid first and last months' rent for her new apartment (which I found for her) and moved her stuff while her STXH was who knows where.

 

The second couple just had their first baby - and have decided that since he has not held a job during their entire courtship and marriage, that he will be the stay at home dad. They are very happy together. I don't understand it, but I am happy for her happiness.

 

I think we need to be there for our friends ALWAYS. We would be remiss if we did not express our misgivings (not harp on them, just express them), but we need to be there for them regardless.

 

That's just my two cents

 

Thanks, I think you're right about ALWAYS being there for friends. I'm very put off by this soon to be marriage but I have a hard time maintaining friendships with female friends so I really want to do the right thing.

 

It's just that it's a lot more than him "not being right for her" He has pushed her, he throws things at the wall when he's upset and is very verbally abusive. He is also spending her inheritance like it was his own. I hate him.

 

allina,

i feel for you I've been in a similar situation. My BFF was dating a jerk and when she asked me what I thought of his action I told her.

Thank go she eventually left him.

 

But i think you should go it is a big day for her and you should support her.

Does she know how you feel about the B.F?

 

Maybe in a nice subtle express your misgiving once and after that just be a supportive friend.

 

 

She knows how I feel about him. No one want her to marry him, everyone knows he's an abusive thief. Just imagining them saying those vows to eachother makes me sick.

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My mother refused to go to my wedding (to the ex). She didn't approve and she was right. It turned out to be a disaster.

 

Guess she didn't want to be a hypocrite.

 

I understand that now. I don't know what's right for you. It depends on how important the friendship is to you I guess. If it were me, I'm not sure that I'd go. I'd tell her that I will support her in any other way but that I'm not going to be a hypocrite and see her marry the wrong man.

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Star Gazer

Your example makes sense but to me a breast job isn't a mistake that will ruin your life like an abusive a-hole will.

 

 

Eh, I lost my job because of my choice of having plastic surgery (one of the things my friend warned me about). That was pretty devastating, much more so than even my worst relationship experience (which was pretty bad). Just sayin'. It's all relative.

 

Maybe you should simply have a very honest conversation with her: "I love you, I'm going to be here for you no matter what, but you should know that every person who cares about you and loves you does NOT want you to throw your life away with this f*ckface."

 

How about that?

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Should I just put the friendship first and go? It's one of those situations where i really can't tell if I'm in the wrong.

definately don't go to the wedding but send them a nice card with some boiler-plate language and a nice gift (but nothing too extravagant). this is one of those situations where its better to be a bit selfish.

 

And on the weekend when there wedding is, plan something fun to do with your family or friends or bf. Like camping or going to Wally World.

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I understand that now. I don't know what's right for you. It depends on how important the friendship is to you I guess. If it were me, I'm not sure that I'd go. I'd tell her that I will support her in any other way but that I'm not going to be a hypocrite and see her marry the wrong man.

 

So do you think it's hypocritical to go to a wedding and celebrate a marriage you know it a terrible idea? I sort of feel like that.

 

Eh, I lost my job because of my choice of having plastic surgery (one of the things my friend warned me about). That was pretty devastating, much more so than even my worst relationship experience (which was pretty bad). Just sayin'. It's all relative.

 

Maybe you should simply have a very honest conversation with her: "I love you, I'm going to be here for you no matter what, but you should know that every person who cares about you and loves you does NOT want you to throw your life away with this f*ckface."

 

How about that?

 

Wow SG, I had no idea you went through that with a job, I'm a little shocked.

And I have said almost the same thing to her a few times.

 

definately don't go to the wedding but send them a nice card with some boiler-plate language and a nice gift (but nothing too extravagant). this is one of those situations where its better to be a bit selfish.

 

And on the weekend when there wedding is, plan something fun to do with your family or friends or bf. Like camping or going to Wally World.

 

So why do you suggest not going? I think I really like your idea Alpha but I'm not sure what 'boiler-plate language' means :confused:

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Yes, like I was saying, I really DO think it's somewhat hypocritcal to go and celebrate with them. I wouldn't do it. But you might lose the friendship over it..tough call.

 

I'd still stay true to myself though. If she's that good of a friend, then hopefully she won't end the friendship over this.

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So why do you suggest not going? I think I really like your idea Alpha but I'm not sure what 'boiler-plate language' means :confused:

boiler plate language is just standard generic verbage that will apply in any situation. something like:

 

"wishing both of you the best and a long and happy married life...sorry i couln't be there in person... blah blah blah

- love allina xxxooo"

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blind_otter

If I were you I wouldn't go. It would be hypocritical. I like alpha's suggestion. Boiler plate language has always been a favorite method of mine for subtle mocking.

 

Besides, how stupid would she be to end a friendship over you disagreeing with a decision se's making. You don't have to agree with everything she does. That's not what friendship is. I'm Just Saying.

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blind_otter
Only go if there's an open bar at the reception. :D

 

Word. Then you have an excuse to get loaded and do an angry toast to the bride and groom.

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If I were you I wouldn't go. It would be hypocritical. I like alpha's suggestion. Boiler plate language has always been a favorite method of mine for subtle mocking.

 

Besides, how stupid would she be to end a friendship over you disagreeing with a decision se's making. You don't have to agree with everything she does. That's not what friendship is. I'm Just Saying.

 

So most agree that going to an event that celebrates their commitment is hypocritical, I agree. But, isn't it worth it sometimes?

 

Lets say she was marring a guy that I wasn't crazy about because he was ugly or annoying or something, I would still be thrilled for her and I would happily attend the wedding. But my reasons for hating him are extreme.

 

Only go if there's an open bar at the reception. :D

 

I think everyone there will need an open bar.

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What you're saying is that you're really only her friend as long as she's doing things you approve of. What if all of her friends decided to use your strategy? If that guy is so bad, she won't have a single friend there. I think she'd conclude that she didn't have a single friend.

 

I think you feel you have the luxury to back out because you know other people will go and you won't really be missed. But you can be sure that she'll notice, if you're good friends.

 

Did the invitation say "only come if you think it's a good idea that I marry this guy?"

 

You don't have to stay for the whole thing. You can attend the ceremony, give her some support, and then leave the reception.

 

On the other hand, I detest weddings and only go if I feel I really have no other choice.

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What you're saying is that you're really only her friend as long as she's doing things you approve of. What if all of her friends decided to use your strategy? If that guy is so bad, she won't have a single friend there. I think she'd conclude that she didn't have a single friend.

 

No, she can still be her friend without being a hypocrite.

 

The guy might be that bad but this girl's friends are being hypocrites if they think that and are going anyway.

 

Friends don't always do every thing we want them to. No one on this planet always does everything we want them to. Doesn't mean they still can't be friends. If this girl is such a good friend she wouldn't want Allina to be uncomfortable and do something that she doesn't want to do. I mean one can turn it around that way too.

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serial muse

I dunno, I kind of think that "if she's a good enough friend" thing can work both ways. I mean, allina is also bound by that - so she could consider putting aside her needs/feelings during this occasion and going anyway, simply to support her friend and be there for her at an important moment in her life...and, if it eventually all ends in tears, the ultimate sign of friendship will be that she only says "I told you so" once, and gently. :p

 

A, you've told her what you thought, several times - you've done your duty in that direction, and been honest with her about your opinion. That's all you can do; she's making her own choices and all that's left - if you value her friendship - is to just be her friend through them.

 

So yeah, I'd go. I don't think it's hypocritical, really (although I do understand why it feels that way). But I think it's just another way of showing friendship.

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What you're saying is that you're really only her friend as long as she's doing things you approve of.

 

No, I'm her friend no matter what, I just don't want to see her marry a guy who will beat the crap out of her.

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No, I'm her friend no matter what, I just don't want to see her marry a guy who will beat the crap out of her.

 

I seriously doubt he's going to do that during the ceremony. :rolleyes:

 

I didn't realize he was that kind of guy. Maybe you feel that showing up would be sending him a message of approval. I can see not showing up, if you feel that you would be sanctioning this kind of abuse. I hereby approve of your decision to skip it.

 

Maybe you can send her boxing headgear as a wedding gift.

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So most agree that going to an event that celebrates their commitment is hypocritical, I agree. But, isn't it worth it sometimes?

if the wedding was local then I would have said that you should go. but since its in WA its a totally different matter. the distance is what made the difference for me.

 

if my buddy was marrying some chick i didn't care for but the ceremony was local then i'd probably go. but if I had to fly 800 miles I would never go.

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blind_otter
if the wedding was local then I would have said that you should go. but since its in WA its a totally different matter. the distance is what made the difference for me.

 

if my buddy was marrying some chick i didn't care for but the ceremony was local then i'd probably go. but if I had to fly 800 miles I would never go.

 

Word. The reality is that you very well could find the financial burden of attending to wedding to be too great. Would she dump you as a friend if that were the case? That would make her a pretty crappy friend.

 

Send a present and a card with purposely vague wording and be done with it.

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