uncomfortable and mean situation

[mishy]

Hi

I would really appreciate your opinion on my situation.

 

I was best friends with David for 4 years (platonic- he is gay). we had a bust up around christmas.

 

My best female friend Samantha was really only sort of aquaintances with him/ saw each other occasionally when she would come along to something we were going to together. They'd talk on the phone once in a blue moon. She didn't actually even like him that much as a person.

 

Me and David had a particularly ugly and painful bust up- it was more like breaking up with a boyfriend really- because we had become really close- the closest male friend i'd ever had.

 

In the last probably 2 months he has started calling her and asking her to do things (maybe to replace me, I don't know).

 

There are two other friends involved who have chosen to take his "side" and have obviously decided its easier to be in contact with only one of us. The two friends are this guy Brian and his ex girlfriend Cathy(she was my friend). Brian was good mates with david before our bust up and Cathy has decided its easier to just go along with Brian on this. So i don't have contact with either of them (told you it was like a real breakup- evryone picking bloody sides).

 

I am really hurt by all of this.

 

So Samantha has started seeing them socially and doing things and obviously doesn't invite me.

 

I feel really betrayed- that she could start up a friendship with Brian in the aftermath of our bust up. And obviously i hear about all their social outings etc.

 

I've had a really ****ed year. if you have read my old posts some of u will know. First my father died last april. Then i had the bust up with david . And now my mother has cancer.

 

To top it off David, brian and cathy are no longer speaking to me.

 

And my best friend samantha is forging this cruel friendship with them.

 

I'm starting to not want to speak to her at all. Even if we don't talk about them (like i have told her not to tell me about their activities) it is still there.

 

Am i right to feel deceived by her? I have told her this is how i feel. I'm not asking her to stop seeing them. I am just disappointed that she would want to do that to me. I have known her for many years. This is a lifelong friend i'm talking about.

 

I can"t believe how much bad luck i've had.

[mishy]

hello... is there anyone... out...there.....??????????????:(:(:(

maybe i need to sex up my problem a bit...............

[Zona76]

Respond back to him as if it's a REAL split between lovers.

Tell him, I miss you, I miss us. I want it back to what it was.

He needs to talk to someone now.

She is a replacement.

Ask David, is there any hope? Any possibility to get back.

Tell him you love him and want him back in your life again.

Don't for one moment EVER ask him to give up his other friend.

[mishy]

Zona 76,

 

i wasn't expecting anyone to suggest that.

 

Back in february i rang him and said hey - why don't we just at least keep in contact and not be strangers. and he was like no but at the same time saying he missed me and thought about me all the time.

 

I tried all that initially. I wrote him a letter saying pretty much all of what you suggested back when it first happened.

 

Then i pretty much did nothing- and I last saw him at Samanthas birthday party in march. She invited him even tho they were as i said - only really friend of a friend. it was very painful. I put on a face and talked to him like nothing had happened.

 

Then for the last 2 weeks i left 3 messages to give me a call. he finally rang back and left a messsage saying that he hadn't rung back because he didn't want me to call him and that he was leaving a message so I know not to call him (ouch!)

 

What is also painful is that Samantha has simply no regard for my feelings. I have known her for 18 years and she is doing this to me.

 

Incidentally I have to put in here that I think it is because she is still a virgin at 35 and has never had a major relationship , platonic or otherwise with a male. She saw our amazing friendship develop over 4 years, but still doesn't appreciate my loss. I think it is because she has never had a bond like that. I can say that for certain. How do you know what it feels like if you've never felt it??

 

I wrote a letter this morning just spilling my heart out about how i need his support at the moment and how our bust up has had a domino effect on other friends, and how i've been excluded from the group because of the uncomfortable break up. I don't know whether to send it.I'm sort of thinking no, but it really says how i feel. But i'm wondering whats the point.

 

Actually I think I'll post it here now - what the hell- tell me if you think its too full on. I really need your advice. here goes:

 

David, if no one else is game to tell you how lousy the way you have treated me is then I feel I have nothing more to lose by telling you myself.

 

If you think I have lost the plot then you tell me how you would feel if the following series of horrifying events happened to you within the space of a mere 10 months.

 

1.Father dies of cancer

 

2.One of your best friends tells you he doesn't want to be friends anymore.

 

3.Mother is diagnosed with cancer

 

4.Other friends tell you that they can no longer invite you out into your own social group because of the ex-friend.

 

5.You continue to hear from your other friends in the group about rockclimbing, bandgoing and bikeriding events that you can no longer be invited to because of your fall out with this one friend.

 

6.One friend asks the group if she can invite you along one time and because of your ex-friend they have to say no.

 

7.You decide to contact your ex-friend to see if you could get along in a group just so you can feel part of the group again and be included again.

 

8.Your ex friend who once cared for you will not even have a conversation with you and says not to call again.

 

9.The next day after weeks of\ uncertainty you get the final confirmation that your mums chemo isn't in fact working and the cancer has grown and they say there may be no cure.

 

10.You realise that in fact its your birthday next week and half the friends you would have invited you can't because of the awkwardness, conflict and divide that the ex friend has created.

 

11.You wonder what on earth you did to deserve this horror.

 

I am not a bad person. But I'm being treated like I'm this horrible monster. Its like you have lost all memory of anything good about me. I only ever wanted to be mere aquaintances with you again so I could be included with my own friends in the group. These are people that became our mutual friends.

 

You have put other people in a very awkward position because all you are thinking about is yourself. I never wanted our friendship to be how it was before (in any shape or form). I wanted to put it behind us and see if we could just be ok in a group. Its ridiculous that you won't even give it a chance.

 

Having both parents get the same disease is bad enough but then to realise you have been cut loose by friends makes it unimaginably worse.

 

Do you have any idea what this exclusion has been like for me? How it feels? Nothing I did to you warrants this treatment. You have kicked me when I'm already down.

 

Imagine if it was you that this was happening to. Think about how you would feel.

[mishy]

where i say in the letter that i don't want us to be how we were in any shape or form I'm referring to how we became to close for a platonic relationship (he would know what I'm referring to) (suffocation)

[pelagicsands]

Good friends are those that you can count on no matter what. They just understand. I don't think he does.

 

No amount of spilling your heart is going to change that. I'm very sorry, but I think you have to try to move past this. Try to forget him, and rely on your own inner strength. I know you have it.

[mishy]

Its very hard to move on when all our friends are connected. All of our friends are mutual. That is- he nicked all my friends.

[pelagicsands]

They have minds of their own. I'm not suggesting that it's easy, but these "friends" seem more trouble than they're worth.

 

I do feel for you, though.

[mishy]

hi magic, hows it goin?

 

What do you think about what samantha is doing??? This is my main concern.

[pelagicsands]

If Samantha knows the way you feel, then she has obviously decided that the way you feel isn't valid, and that you will "get over it." I guess you are questioning her loyalty.

 

But loyalty to what? To whom? Talk to her, and nut it out. You'd be nuts to let his nuts come between you.

[mishy]

We nutted it out very loudly in a restaurant two nights ago.

We didn't come to any kind of agreement and she certainly doesn't understand where i am coming from.

 

Because of the nature of my friendship with him - it was more like a break up with a boyfriend- extremely painful and still is.

 

She is supposed to be my best friend and is deliberately building this friendship with him in the wake of the break up. To me it is in a way like moving in on your best friends ex boyfriend. Everybody knows that you don't do it. Our relationship was platonic, but we were like a couple in almost every sense of the word. For 4 years.

 

She was always a little bit jealous. I know that i would not do this to someone. As i said before she simply has no idea how i am really feeling because she has never had any male relationship full stop, so has no idea of the pain.

 

So to me it is yes a question of loyalty and i have considered ending our friendship because it is too much for me to deal with on top of every thing else.

 

But i know that i am in no state of mind to make an important decision like that.

 

Do you think what she is doing is WRONG???

[Zona76]

You could send him that, but... it's so full of pain.

Instead do a remember when we???

When he reads the pain ...he wont want to respond back.

Bring up happy times fun times and laughter.

Don't blame.

Instead remind him you love him unconditionally. You understand him and miss how he was able to to understand you. End with telling him it's time to let him fly. You'll let go. But know you can always come back at ANY time no questions asked.

This girl is filling his head with lies about you and he believes her.

He'll see through her soon enough.

[mishy]

I ended up sending a different version of that letter. I still had the points 1-11 but just toned down the rest of it. I didn't write it looking for a response - i wrote it really as a way of letting it out as i wasn't given much of an opportunity to talk to him. I definately am not expecting to hear back from him. Thats not why i wrote it. He doesn't need me to remind him of the good times - he's well aware. and i wouldn't want it to sound like some sort of love letter.

 

What makes you think she is filling his head with lies? where did u get that from? I do know that she is poison.