It's True....NO REAL FRIENDS....It stinks...

[longlegzs80]

Last night, I ended up going out with people that I thought were friends, and ended up feeling more alone then when I am alone. First off, and they always like to do this when we all go out, is they want to change how I dress, putting on something that makes me feel ackward etc., or trying to have me wear makeup that I don't feel comfortable with. Anywho, we went out last night and the whole night I was alone, I felt alone when I was with them and felt like I wasn't wanted there. Normally I don't feel this way, but last night, was the night where I noticed this bigtime and it really made me think about things.

 

I thought about, if something happened to me, or I needed someones help with something, or advice, I would have no one to help me, to be there. As I said, I feel more alone with my so called friends then I do when I am actually alone.

 

Its really hard for me to meet people and I had one best friend at one point that no longer is a best friend, and now I really have no friends. How do people who are shy meet people? I need a new group of friends. So, advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

[Road Rage]

Many people are alone in a crowd. I think family is first among those you can count on. But many are far away from family. Those with whom you share common interests are next. People will go out of their way for those they can relate to on an important level. The work environment is good to some degree because you really get to know people pretty good when you work around them. Also, work on being a friend to those in need.

 

People who are truly interested in people seldom lack when in need. There is usually someone there to help. Much of our grief comes from not being truly interested in others.

 

But I know what you mean. I too have wasted time with those who considered me no more than a tag along for their ego or nothing more than a security blanket rather than be alone.

[Island Girl]

I have a select group of people whom I can count on if I am truly in need. And they know they can call me.

 

I can count them little more than one hand and that includes a couple of family members.

 

I am reaching out to others - I have found in the past that I didn't make an effort when others were certainly thoughtful of me and reached out.

 

I often decline invitations that I should really accept.

 

Perhaps that is happening to you and you are shrugging off that birthday party for a co-worker, etc.?

[ddnnee]

you can tell who your true friends are right after high school. they are the ones that still keep in contact with you JUST "because" and not because they want to know how far you are in life, how much you make etc...

 

I had 10 "friends" during highschool and end up with only 2 REAL friends after high school. the rest only talk to me because they need my skill or because they want to compare their success to my failures. i make it clear that i do not need those types of friends and they were happy to cut the ties.

 

My 2 REAL friends were there for me when i was in desperate need of help (think of some of the worse things that can happen and it probably happened to me).

 

anyway, you will learn in life that it is better to have 1 or 2 highly trusted friends than to have 10 dumbass friends who does the houdini when you need their help.

[LaDiva]

I think the answer lies soley in you? I mean you said that they have you dress in clothes that just aren't you or wear makeup when you don't even usually wear makeup. I think that there are a lot of girls in your position. I am speaking from the girly girl's perspective... I would always think, well, doesn't she want to be like us? And in some ways its selfish... but I think that it came from my heart, like I know this girl feels she doesn't really fit in, so we will make her fit in.

 

But darling, if you don't fit in, even forcefully, then you might need to find a different fit. What things do you like to do? Find other groups of people that do the same things... All of a sudden I got this thought, like, are you afraid to let go of them, because they are the only friend's you have?

[Kamille]

Diva is right, you could interpret their interests in dressing you up as them including you and making you be part of the fun, not them judging you. Obviously, you were invited, so they do like spending time with you and wanted you there.

 

I had a phase in my life where I would get in the kind of mood you describe. The fact is, if you think-decide that the people you are with 'don't want you there', you will most likely prove it to yourself by acting awkward and misreading every thing that they do. And unfortunately ruining your own evening by making it all about you in your head.

 

The easy way out when you get in that mood is to shift the focus from you thinking about how they respond to you to how you respond to them: focus on what they are saying, doing - laugh at their jokes, try out a few jokes yourself. Realize that people are very forgiving and generally want to get along.

 

Next time you are out and feel this way, realize that your friends are probably not thinking much about who there belongs with them or not, but are more into having fun, enjoying their evenings, dancing etc. In other words, their focus is most likely not on you. Which is not the same as saying they don't care. It's just what an evening out is about.

 

Do the same. Focus on having fun. Don't feel obligated to participate in conversations if you find it difficult but listen to them, smile, nod and agree when you do. Before you know it you will be involved in the conversation. One thing that worked for me when I was really shy was 'the immediate neighbor' technique. When you have something to say, speak to the one or two people next to you instead of the whole group (make sure not to monopolize them).

 

This technique also goes a long way when trying to build strong friendships. You don't have to be immediate close friends with everyone of the people you went out with. Start by befriending the one or two people that you feel most confortable with. Call them and ask them out shopping or whatever activity that you enjoy doing that doesn't involve the whole group being there.

[climbergirl]

Maybe dressing you up is to include you, but honestly, in the long run your true friends are the ones who enjoy your company and will not give a sh#t what you're wearing. I can see why you'd be put off by it. You can't relax with them if you feel they are trying to fix you.

 

What happened to your best friend? Why aren't you best friends anymore?

[longlegzs80]

ITs strange. These three people that are my so called friends always have made me feel like what I say isn't important, or try to fix me up with clothes and makeup and don't want to do anything that I want to do when I try to make plans but when they want to make plans together it happens. I always have felt not included, and as much as it is unfortunite, I guess that is life.

 

I will have to involve myself in other things to meet new people, hopefully if I do meet others they will be accepting of me no matter what.

 

And I don't feel like I have to have these girls as friends, they are just people to hang out with and do stuff with.

 

My BEST FRIEND from college was my best friend up until senior year. She disappointed me. Long story, but she was very rude to me and my mom when we let her and her boyfriend stay at the house here. The reason for the stay is I told her that we can go up to check out a college that is around here and instead of her and her man to get a hotel, I offered. So, no thank you for the stay, being rude is pretty much being mild about it. But anyways, she didn't talk to me all senior year long because she was with this losser boyfriend. That was her choice and I could honestly care less. She is another one I can't waste my time with.

 

Anywho, that is that. But thank you for the advice. I feel the need to stay away from people like them though.

[LoveLace]

I only ask because we all go through these stages in life where your social circle/style changes, weather its because of your own attitude changing or because your friends are moving away, etc. It's common after high school to question your friendships, where your going in life, who you really are, etc. It also tends to happen after college, and also when your friends start getting married, etc...which I'm going through right now because me and my friends are all in our 30's...but I'm the only one who isn't married...so I can totally relate to feeling very alone even if they are all around me...

 

Do you express to your friends that dressing you up is not fun for you? If not, you should just tell them. If they are really your friends, they will say, ok that's fine and I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I get the impression that you don't feel that you relate to them somehow. What kind of hobbies do you have? What are your interests? The best way to start would be finding others who have some of these in common with you. The internet is a good source but be careful, of course. Maybe you can find a chat room full of locals from your town; keep chatting and you'll eventually find another person that seems to click with you, as far as common interests. Once this occurs, suggest hanging out sometime, regardless of the person's sex. I don't know...just an idea.

 

I was a pretty shy person until I went away to college. I didn't know anyone, so I didn't have the choice but to talk to people and start forming my own social circle of sorts. Then I tackled things I never would have before, like joining organizations and getting really involved in those. I found that throwing myself into things I wouldn't normally do, would end up bringing out some of my best qualities that I wasn't aware of before. Not that I don't get lonely anymore (I definitely do) but since then, I seem to know myself better as a person, and more confident in general. Now, my friends would say I'm very outgoing, the opposite of what i used to be.

 

We go through times in life that make us basiclly question our existence. This is normal. And it does make you feel lonely. The unfortunate thing I've learned about this is that it really never goes away. Even if you feel prefectly fulfilled as a person, inside and out, we are constantly seeking the answer to that question, what's the point to this life again?

 

So you might as well say your opinion whenever the opportunity comes, go and do whatever you feel like doing, enjoy the moments as though they could be the last. In a positive way though...I'm not saying do whatever you want as in go do drugs or something!

 

I live by this motto which I learned in college: To receive much, you must give much. And since the day I heard that, I'm still constantly seeing the proof that its true. You have a lot to give, so remember that anyone who chooses to be your friend is a smart person.

[longlegzs80]

Thank you again for the advice from all. I am 26, and own half of a business and I work another job for the time being. I need to separtate myself from them, because all they do is want to go out and drink, and waste money. Not my idea of fun. Don't get me wrong I love to go out, but there is so much more to do then just doing that. So, I want to separtate myself from them as I said. Its obious they can't accept me, and yeah and maybe with them always wanting to dress me up is their little way of including me, but I just don't fit into their social circle.

[Guest]

Hang in there....ultimately, we are alll alone. We live that way, and die that way. Find peace within yourself. Then you will be peaceful.

Best of Luck,

Joe

[Kittiecat]

Would you say the group dynamic is like this: one/two dominant girls (probably the ones who are trying to make you over), plus X amount of "entourage" girls who basically tag along for whatever plans the alpha girls come up with? I think this is a typical friendship scheme in college and even for awhile after that.

 

Being half owner of a company, it sounds like you have your own "alpha girl" status in some respect. Really focusing on your work could bring you around people with similar interests and goals. And those people probably won't care if you go without makeup.