roommate update

[LoveLace]

Turns out he was home last night, when I came home from school crabby, etc. He asked if it was a bad day. I said it was a bad week between him, work, and school. He wasn't worked up at all, like I was. I said the other night was a misunderstanding, and at 1st he acted like, "huh?" like he forgot about it!

 

He was so mad at me, but now he forgets? Anyway, I talked about my dating situation. I'm not lying when I say a good reason to move out is because I need to be able to date more freely. I explained to him that guys are quite turned off by it. He said he understands. He says, "you know it's cool, so it didn't work out, so what? We shouldn't let it ruin the friendship forever or anything." I agreed. I was actually relieved that he wasn't mad anymore, though. Cuz I expected a heated argument otherwise.

 

Meanwhile I learn he's on the phone with yet another new girl. But he just has to flirt with her big time right in my face where I can hear it. I hate it! For weeks, there were no girls, and it was all about me. All the nights he sat alone with me on the couch, only to have me do nothing about it. He even ditched a girl to hang out with me instead one night. Now its raining chicks again. I know I wasn't imagining it when he acted totally distant with me the other night, then angry after the date, and now he's calm as can be.

 

Later I went into his room while he was doing something. I sat on his bed. I said, "I hope to get a 1 bedroom, then we can be neighbors!" He said that would be cool. Then he walked up to me and said, "that would be better than being roommates, probably..?" Almost like he still questioned it. I said yes I think so. Then we hugged. But I hugged a little more tightly and wanted to hang on longer. He said "No love lost". I said, "Never ever". Then I went to bed. He went to meet up with the new girl. I was appearing very ok with the whole deal. But ripped a part inside.

 

Is he playing along with my denial, or really that clueless? Did all the sweetness and alone time answer a question of my interest (or lack of) for him?

 

Being neighbors will probably just be a sequel for our relationship, my feelings won't change, and the girls won't be in my face. So now i"m gonna hope that it will allow us to become more. It's almost like I might as well not move out. (I'd have to stay in the same apt. complex...for reasons I won't bother to bore ya with). He pretty much stated that nothing should ruin our friendship. How can I share my feelings after he says that?

[Kamille]

Well you avoided the topic of how you felt, but you know what? I think it might be for the best.

 

Now, as to the question of whether he is clueless or leading you on, my experience with men have me voting for : CLUELESS. The one rule of thumb I now have with men is: they mean what they say and say what they mean. With men, it is always best not to try to read anything into what they say. And believe me, figuring this out has been quite liberating.

 

Try it. And stop trying to figure him out!

[Erik]

Well, my last advice didn't turn out so good, but maybe you shouldn't be his neighbour all things considered. And before you go, maybe you should tell him about it all. Life is full of surprises.

[LoveLace]

Well, my last advice didn't turn out so good, but maybe you shouldn't be his neighbour all things considered. And before you go, maybe you should tell him about it all. Life is full of surprises.

 

I no longer feel the need to figure him out, now that it seems obvious to me that he doesn't know how I feel after all. I am happy to just enjoy his friendship but the girls will continue to be difficult for me, unless I can find someone to date, which apparently is impossible for me anymore. I have to suffer over the girls for 4 more months.

 

To not be his neighbor is not an option for me. I have to stay in the same apt. complex for financial reasons and location reasons. I was already there before living with him. If I moved in with mom, we'd still be "neighbors" cuz she only lives down the street. All I can hope for is getting a boyfriend soon, but I've been waiting for love and a steady boyfriend for 10 years, so I dont exactly feel that its coming anytime soon.

 

I am officially depressed now, cuz all I do is work, go to school, do homework, very little time for fun. And there's no guy to offer me fun times or affection for stress release. Something's wrong that I'm 30 years-old and attractive, but somehow can't find a date between online dating or going out weekends. Working and going to school with all women, which I can't change. I feel very stuck and wondering what the point of my life is.

 

So it is no longer about my roommate but about my happiness, I need something to be happier about and I can't find it. I have internal happiness but not external happiness. Nursing school has really taken a toll on me, mentally and physically, but I'm determined to reach my goal so I can't quit. I don't think LS or anything else can help me anymore!

[Lezbean]

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I have read your other posts about him too.

 

Sorry, he is not interested in you or he would have made a move by now. I think he is glad you are moving out because the situation is making him very uncomfortable and you are cutting in on his dating.

 

Move on and find someone who IS interested in you.

 

The whole thing sounds kind of creepy. He's out with chicks, probably getting some and you are at his house heart broken. A very bad situation for you.

 

Move on with your life. He isn't interested.

 

Sorry:( It's pretty clear to outsiders looking in. Trust me, he KNOWS you are jealous of his dates.

[LoveLace]

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I have read your other posts about him too.

 

Sorry, he is not interested in you or he would have made a move by now. I think he is glad you are moving out because the situation is making him very uncomfortable and you are cutting in on his dating.

 

Move on and find someone who IS interested in you.

 

The whole thing sounds kind of creepy. He's out with chicks, probably getting some and you are at his house heart broken. A very bad situation for you.

 

Move on with your life. He isn't interested.

 

Sorry:( It's pretty clear to outsiders looking in. Trust me, he KNOWS you are jealous of his dates.

 

I am very aware now that he doesn't want me, but I don't make him uncomfortable. If he's glad that I'm moving out, I think its because he only wants me to do whatever makes ME comfortable....he's a type of guy that is pretty hard to embarrass or make uncomfortable. Way laid back. And believe me, he won't stop bringing girls over, etc, just because I am there. If a girl is uncomfortable with it, he'll just dump her and move on to the next one, without thinking twice. And in the beginning of this, he wanted us to get a house together after our lease ran out. I don't know how he thought that would make sense, if he had no intentions of pursuing me.

 

As a roommate I could live with him forever but not without wanting more. I guess he knows that now.

[Lezbean]

I'm sorry you are hurting. I really am. This must be just terrible for you.

 

I hope you can find a way to get your own place and that you can meet someone wonderful SOON!

 

Hugs!

[LoveLace]

I'm sorry you are hurting. I really am. This must be just terrible for you.

 

I hope you can find a way to get your own place and that you can meet someone wonderful SOON!

 

Hugs!

 

AWW thanks! Yea it sucks, the worst part is hiding my hurt, because I dont want to make him uncomfortable. Ah well. Here goes with life!

[LoveLace]

I just remembered something. In our conversation last night, he said "It's okay to feel that way". But I kept talking so I just now remembered it. So he's suggesting that its okay to be jealous, well ok with him maybe, but its not okay with me. Doesn't he know that jealousy is not a good feeling? Normal, but not good. So he knows I'm jealous, and that I want to move because of it, but he wouldn't care if I stayed anyway. Yet he would continue to flaunt the girls in my face? I'm supposed to acknowledge that yes, I'm jealous, but somehow feel "okay" with it? How can it be "okay" to feel that way?

[alphamale]

hope things are going better LL

[Kamille]

I just remembered something. In our conversation last night, he said "It's okay to feel that way". But I kept talking so I just now remembered it. So he's suggesting that its okay to be jealous, well ok with him maybe, but its not okay with me. Doesn't he know that jealousy is not a good feeling? Normal, but not good. So he knows I'm jealous, and that I want to move because of it, but he wouldn't care if I stayed anyway. Yet he would continue to flaunt the girls in my face? I'm supposed to acknowledge that yes, I'm jealous, but somehow feel "okay" with it? How can it be "okay" to feel that way?

 

He can't guess that you don't feel it's okay to feel jealousy. So unless you tell him you are a bit jealous sweetie, he has no way of helping the two of you figure out this tricky situation.

 

Sounds like he is a good friend. And does want to help. Maybe he doesn't have those feelings for you but he is at least aware that the two of you living together can get tricky for both of you.

[LoveLace]

He can't guess that you don't feel it's okay to feel jealousy. So unless you tell him you are a bit jealous sweetie, he has no way of helping the two of you figure out this tricky situation.

 

Sounds like he is a good friend. And does want to help. Maybe he doesn't have those feelings for you but he is at least aware that the two of you living together can get tricky for both of you.

 

You are right Kamille he is a good friend and I feel lucky to have him. And the impression I get from him is that he doesn't really want me to move that much, but he's going along with whatever I want for myself.

 

He seems to think that the jealousy is only a minor problem, as if it can be worked around, but I don't see how, cuz it's there when the girls are over, when he's on the phone with them, when he's out with them. It's torture for me but I guess he doesn't understand that. If I admit to jealousy, it's like admitting the full-blown thing, so the only resolution would be that if we want to live together, we'd have to get together.

[Kamille]

You are right Kamille he is a good friend and I feel lucky to have him. And the impression I get from him is that he doesn't really want me to move that much, but he's going along with whatever I want for myself.

 

He seems to think that the jealousy is only a minor problem, as if it can be worked around, but I don't see how, cuz it's there when the girls are over, when he's on the phone with them, when he's out with them. It's torture for me but I guess he doesn't understand that. If I admit to jealousy, it's like admitting the full-blown thing, so the only resolution would be that if we want to live together, we'd have to get together.

 

Ok so you have a few course of actions:

 

1. Continue with what you are doing now, which is plan to move out in four months and try to deal with all the issues without raising any of them.

 

2. Admit to the feelings of jealousy and to these feelings because you think that the two might have potential as a couple. Which is not the same thing as 'revealing the whole thing', because right now, I'll venture to say that it isn't clear to you what the whole thing actually is. How could it be?

 

We know you have feelings for him, but I often find that when we have feelings for someone, we confuse the smoke for the fire. (perhaps a a bad analogy but anyways). Rationnally, what you are thinking is that there is a possibility that if you two gave it a chance, you might have a stellar relationship (smoke). You don't actually know that this would be the case (the stellar relationship being the fire and or possibly just a cigarette). IE, you think you two could possibly fall in love, you are not currently in love but merely intrigued. Catch my drift? So really what you would be revealing is not some kind of enormous truth, but just the fact that you are attracted to him and intrigued by the potential the two of you might have. I'll grant you it isn't that easy to admit, but I also don't think it's that big of a deal.

 

You might be suprised to find that he thinks of jealousy because he has experienced it too, even if he doesn't reciprocate your feelings to the same extent that you do. I have had male roomates and they did tend to get protective of me, even if there were no romantic tensions between us. There was sexual tension between us, but we usually dealt with it by just admitting to it and laughing about it (might sound weird but it worked both times I had male roomates).

[Kamille]

Ah yeah and I also wanted to say that jealousy can be worked around. Perhaps you don't feel like that right now, but if you are going to live with him for another four months, it is worth considering strategies that will help you work around it.

 

You can try to figure it out on your own or you can try to figure it out with him.

[LoveLace]

Your post makes very much sense. Yet again!!

 

I was actually thinking of bringing it back up to him and just say, hey, why wouldn't I be jealous? You know, cuz your great. Since it seems so minor to him, I'm starting to feel the same. So upon admitting it, I guess it would lead to a discussion of what to do about it.

 

And its funny what you about dealing with the issues; cuz last night I was aware that he went out while the kids were there again, but I went to bed. But I don't know what time he got back, or anything. It's like I don't care either a)cuz I know I'm supposed to move, or B)because I really just don't care anymore. All this time, I've been treating the sitch. as though it's like a permanent one. Now I won't be treating it that way, so perhaps it will lessen what I expect of him. Maybe along with jealousy, I should just admit that I've been expecting too much as well.

 

But still, unless he suddenly gets more romantic towards me by the end of the 4 months, I don't think I can handle the hurtful part of the situation for a whole other year...

[Ariadne]

Well,

 

I was going to say that he might be interested in you...

 

Up until the part where I read in your other thread that you already had been sexually involved.

 

And up until the part where you said he became "sweet" when you threatened to leave and started offering water (waiters know that).

 

Right now I think he's even ok with you leaving, you probably get really upset when girls call him even if you don't mean to.

 

But, since you still have up till August to live with him , you can try and be his booty budy again. Hey.

 

Try and touch him a lot. Kiss him a lot too, but in the cheek. And when you are in the couch cuddle up with him, like friends you know. And if you can, offer him to give him a bj again, any time he needs, since you are moving out and all. And see if you can get in his bed at night to talk.

 

See what he does, probably he'll go for it.

 

Ariadne

[LoveLace]

Well,

 

I was going to say that he might be interested in you...

 

Up until the part where I read in your other thread that you already had been sexually involved.

 

And up until the part where you said he became "sweet" when you threatened to leave and started offering water (waiters know that).

 

Right now I think he's even ok with you leaving, you probably get really upset when girls call him even if you don't mean to.

 

But, since you still have up till August to live with him , you can try and be his booty budy again. Hey.

 

Try and touch him a lot. Kiss him a lot too, but in the cheek. And when you are in the couch cuddle up with him, like friends you know. And if you can, offer him to give him a bj again, any time he needs, since you are moving out and all. And see if you can get in his bed at night to talk.

 

See what he does, probably he'll go for it.

 

Ariadne

 

Thanks for advice.

 

Before he got all sweet, I actually hadn't threatened to move. But I was angry at him about something just about a week before; perhaps he was afraid me threatening though.

 

In the beginning, I did kiss him on the cheek a lot. He was kind of receptive at first, kissed my cheek a couple times. But I don't know, I suddenly got a feeling like he wasn't comfortable with it after a while..like maybe he sensed my feelings out of it...we also used hug a lot more; I don't know, it's like he sensed that I wanted more or needed him more or something. He also used to "accidentally" get real close to me, like hover over me at the desk, etc; during his "quiet and sweet" phase a few weeks ago, he was calling me "just to say hi", the water, ditched a girl to watch a movie with me on the couch, which we did a few times, alone in the dark;- - after the last time we did that, he got me water that night too, but I didn't want to assume any of these things meant that he wanted me, so I've never made a move beyond kissing the cheek. The very next night, he was acting distant with me, had a chick over, and we haven't been the same since. THAT was when I thought about moving out, etc; but I've playing it as though our lives just clash too much (which, actually, they do).

 

Once he also said, "you need someone to hold you", when I said I was cold, we were like just in the kitchen not even close to each other at the time; it was weird; I just blew it off. I've blown everything off because I know he's going to have a girl over anytime soon. Like the last night we were alone, I knew better, and sure enough a girl was there the next dang day! What if I had cuddled up to him, only to have a girl show up the next day? It's all about protecting myself. I don't know if he got fed up that I wasn't responding to some things, or what. But when he started acting funny about me kissing his cheek, I figured that meant I should back off. So I did.

 

This morning I actually got to SEE one of the chicks that I've never seen before, they were both on the couch sleeping. I was getting ready for work and I made sure that the chick saw me walking around in my bra and underwear. I decided I'm going to start intimidating the crap out of them if I can, but subtly. I've been losing weight and feeling a lot better about my body, etc. I will even go to his work (a bar) one night looking all hot and let the girls wonder about me, and let the guys hit on me!

 

I think any chick would wonder "she walks around in her bra & underwear?", if anything, they should be jealous of me, cuz I live there!

[Ariadne]

Ok,

 

I you "already" had sex with him, tried all of the above and:

 

he started acting funny about me kissing his cheek, I figured that meant I should back off. So I did.

 

I think he doesn't even want you for booty buddy.

 

Yeah, that sucks. And those guys that are restaurant managers (I was a waitress at some point) are usually very confident and personable, so he probably can get girls easily.

 

Well, if you feel so strongly about him and it's killing you, maybe leaving that place it's not so bad (but then you'll miss him and the movie nights etc. but that's another story)

 

Pretty bad situation all around. Sorry.

 

Ariadne

 

Ps: The other thing would be to get him sort of drunk on one of those dark movie nights and throw yourself at him, but, you may fall for him more if he does or he may "still" reject you and that's really going to suck.

[LoveLace]

Well when we had sex it was many years ago...

 

Yes he's a restaurant manager and milks the attention he gets from the girls that are younger and hot. I don't blame him for that, especially since he's only been out of a long term relationship for about a year or so. But just the other night, he was explaining to me how he only likes them because they look and feel good; but he doesn't have anything in common with them. They do get on his nerves after a while, I can tell.

 

He must at least slightly sexually interested though, because during that "couch" phase of ours, there were some metaphoric sexual one-liners going on between us; flirting, what ever you want to call it. It's just that it was minor and I'm not very good at trying to keep those going to heat it up. Of course, this could mean he might be sexually interested but not interested in a relationship. Who knows. I do know that our last sexual encounter was when I gave him a BJ and he wanted a roommate the very next day...and he wanted us to get a house together...strange if you ask me...

 

BTW, he actually doesn't drink cuz he gave it up many years ago...darnit!!

[Ariadne]

BTW, he actually doesn't drink cuz he gave it up many years ago...darnit!!

 

Oh

 

Well, good luck anyway, you still have time till August. Go talk to him late at night to his room and try and get in his bed, ask him if it's ok etc etc. Or touch his dk whenever you get a chance in the kitchen or whatever.

 

Ariadne

[bridget_jones]

BTW, he actually doesn't drink cuz he gave it up many years ago...darnit!!

 

Oh

 

Well, good luck anyway, you still have time till August. Go talk to him late at night to his room and try and get in his bed, ask him if it's ok etc etc. Or touch his dk whenever you get a chance in the kitchen or whatever.

 

Ariadne

 

I don't think this is wise advice. He knows he could make a move on her. Why should she put herself through the pain and confusion of casual fling with him? I don't understand what good could come from what you have said. By coming onto him, she is only prolonging the pain and the difficult situation, making it more difficult to get over him. He's a man. If he really wanted her for a relationship, he would have made a move by now.

[LoveLace]

I don't think this is wise advice. He knows he could make a move on her. Why should she put herself through the pain and confusion of casual fling with him? I don't understand what good could come from what you have said. By coming onto him, she is only prolonging the pain and the difficult situation, making it more difficult to get over him. He's a man. If he really wanted her for a relationship, he would have made a move by now.

 

I agree Bridget! You have just explained exactly why I haven't done anything that I'm perfectly capable of doing...cuz I know better! It's not hard for me to make a bold move with a guy I'm only sexually attracted to. But I care a lot for this man...I'm aware that closeness= danger! So if anyones is going to crack (sexually), it would have to be him!

 

I've come to a conclusion within myself: he cares about me plenty at a person. I think he likes me enough to see if I get jealous of chicks or not, but it probably stops there. It's just an ego booster. There is still 4 months left of our roommate ship. You never know that can happen. Look at all thats happened so far...till the next chapter of the Roommate Diaries.

[pelagicsands]

All I can hope for is getting a boyfriend soon, but I've been waiting for love and a steady boyfriend for 10 years, so I dont exactly feel that its coming anytime soon.

See - this sort of talk makes it seem like a relationship would be the ultimate "escape from life" for you. The way to turn black-and-white into colour.

 

And I'm not saying that a relationship isn't the only thing that makes life meaningful. Maybe it is. Maybe love is all there is.

 

But... if you aren't at least trying to be happy on your own, then your whole strategy of getting into a long and healthy relationship is being undermined, I think.

I am officially depressed now, cuz all I do is work, go to school, do homework, very little time for fun. And there's no guy to offer me fun times or affection for stress release.

I'm not trying to be funny, but maybe you can make your own fun. I know I have to.

[Storyrider]

See - this sort of talk makes it seem like a relationship would be the ultimate "escape from life" for you. The way to turn black-and-white into colour.

 

And I'm not saying that a relationship isn't the only thing that makes life meaningful. Maybe it is. Maybe love is all there is.

 

But... if you aren't at least trying to be happy on your own, then your whole strategy of getting into a long and healthy relationship is being undermined, I think.

 

I'm not trying to be funny, but maybe you can make your own fun. I know I have to.

 

And even when you're in a relationship you still have to make your own fun.

[pelagicsands]

And even when you're in a relationship you still have to make your own fun.

Excellent point. So... what are you doing tonight?