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Bridget Jones you'll love this!! He's Not That Into Me!

 

When I got home last night, he was acting sord of distant from me- at first I thought it was because his buddy was there (you know how guys act different around their buds sometimes) but that wasn't it at all. I then heard him on the phone with "Sophia"....He sleeps with this girl, then she disappears for a few months, I assume because he doesn't call her. Once, a few months ago, he had her come over immediately after we got into an argument involving his kids. That night, I thought it was silly to assume that he was just trying to get a reaction out of me, but my friends acted as though I was blind for not seeing that it was exactly what he was doing.

 

So while he's in the shower last night, I answer the door, and there's Sophia. He didn't even bother to tell me she was coming or that he might be going out on a date (which would be courteous of him, since he's daughter was there with me). I wasn't mad or anything like that though.

 

I was perfectly cool to the chick, and made small conversation with her. Then, he and her went for a quick bite to eat. I went to bed, but I couldn't sleep. I heard them come back an hour later. So I'm in my room while they are in the living room and I'm thinking about them making out and how he puts on his annoying cool-guy act.

 

I realized something. Girls don't appear bothered by me. But guys, well, I've been dumped at least Twice because the guys don't believe me that he's just my roommate! I was dating one guy for a year (I met him while living alone) and the 1st time he came over and met my roommate, it was also the Last time. He never called me again. I tried to explain the roommate situation to him in an email, but he didn't budge. And its hard to avoid, because in basic converasation, people ask you where do you live? Do you have a roommate? Is it a man or a woman? I can't lie! That last guy even knew about my roommate in advance, but he was still totally wigged out when he actually came over and saw him.

 

So I thought, this really sucks, I partially blame it on nursing school, but in truth its also because of I have a guy as a roommate, It isn't like I haven't made lots of efforts to date other men, they turn out to be jerks or whatever. And a full time employee who is also a full time student- not much time to get out and meet new people. I never meet anyone while I'm out with my friends that are ALL couples. They don't know anyone to set me up with because they are ALL married. There are no single women my age in my life anymore. Work with all chicks, go to school with all chicks, as if dating wasn't hard enough before....It's non-existent for me now.

 

I got up to use the bathroom, but his date was in there. So, I did a spur-of-the-moment thing, and told him to call me today so I can have a talk with him. I wasn't acting angry in any way what so ever. I am just anxious to tell him I found another reason not to keep living with him.

 

He chuckled and said, "what, is it about the kids again or something?" I said, "No, actually, it's not about that at all, it has nothing to do with them". He would hardly even look at me while I was talking to him. Then I went back to my bedroom and the girl came out about the same time.

 

So today I will be telling him, that it's not his fault, but I realized living there is a total disruption to my dating life. He will probably try to argue with me in what ever way he can, so that he doesn't lose his financial assistance. But I will remind him this is something he can not fix. What man wants to date a woman who lives with a man, AND his children, but claims they are just "roommates"? A nursing student shouldn't live with a bachelor and his kids. I am not saving enough money to make it worth the fact that I've had no quality attention from any man in 6 months. My roommate probably thinks this is because I'm waiting around for him. He couldn't be more wrong.

 

And for those who say it's obvious that he knows my feelings for him, well that makes it all the more annoying, if you ask me, that he just has a girl over, suddenly after being Mr. Sweetheart to me for the last 2 weeks. If you know someone is in love with you, and they've been through thick and thin with you over 10 years, why would you torture them like this? If he doesn't know, maybe it's obvious to him now, after what I said last night. But I don't really care whats obvious to him. I would never tell him I don't want him to have girls over, though, I'm not that rediculous.

 

He's got 1 buddy that I could possibly see moving in with him, but I'd doubt it, because of the kids. No other woman is going to live there like that, that's for sure. I sord of see him as an idiot right now, for not knowing a good thing when its right in front his face. He can't afford to live alone, especially with having kids. I honestly think he's going to be screwd financially without me. But I have to do what is best for me! So I could care less!

 

When I talk to him today I'll remind him this is something I've been thinking about. It's not a decision based soley on my lack of dating. There are a couple other issues that I don't think we'd come to compromise on. So I have to suffer until August 1, then I can live my life the way a single, 30 year-old woman is supposed to.

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good for you!

 

this will put him in a position to either spill the beans on how he really feels - or just watch you walk away. either way - it is better to know than to waste time wondering.

 

good luck, and let us know what happens.

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Yes, if he wouldn't have had the girl over last night, I probably wouldn't have come to the realization that I did. He did me a favor!

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God this guy is totally using you for everything LL....ahh to be young, naive and innocent again, not unlike a newborn lamb

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serial muse

Hi LL. I think moving out is definitely the right thing - this guy is cramping your style, in more ways than one. Getting out of this living sitch is a very good idea for you.

 

One thing I think you should think about, however, is that it's possible that the reason guys flee when they meet your roommate is because they sense a vibe from you, a "I like my roommate as more than a friend" vibe, even if you aren't aware that you're projecting that. If so, they're quite wisely walking away.

 

And I know this will sound harsh, but it may be that the girls your roommate brings home don't sense that vibe from him, and that's why they aren't threatened. I've read what you posted elsewhere about how he's been behaving recently, and what you hope it means, but despite all that I just don't think he's giving you enough signs that he's really interested. Even if he's attracted to you still, it's clearly not enough to cause him to go out of his way to be with you, and that means you'll have to do all the work anyway to create a relationship with this guy. Why put yourself through continued turmoil? There are other men out there who will meet you halfway; you've dated some of them. Let this one go.

 

I think that while you continue living with him, you really aren't leaving yourself fully open to other options. So regardless of how he behaves from here on out - whether flirty or distant or just being there and being himself - it's not good for you. Time to leave this toxic situation. I'm sorry. :(

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Why put yourself through continued turmoil?

um...cause LL has very low self esteem??

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also the fact that he knows you haven't had a date for a while means he doesn't feel threatened or a need to make an effort because you are not out there actively looking - and he knows it - and is taking advantage of it.

 

meanwhile... when he gets horny - he calls up Sophia and she comes running... and he knows you will feel a bit put out - and still does it anyway.

 

what man that cares about you would want to hurt you this way? sorry....

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serial muse
um...cause LL has very low self esteem??

 

aw.

 

of course, my question there was rhetorical...:p

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good for you!

 

this will put him in a position to either spill the beans on how he really feels - or just watch you walk away. either way - it is better to know than to waste time wondering.

 

good luck, and let us know what happens.

 

 

Everyone has moments of low self-esteem, but in general, I do not. I think and KNOW that I am beautiful, smart, fun, and kind, and any man is an idiot in my book for not seeing that, including my roommate, if I had really low self-esteem, I would keep living with him and letting him hurt me backwards and forwards.

 

And serialmuse, the guy I had over that I was dating, was wigging out because he thought my roommate was mad that he was there. My roommate was being awfully quiet, but he wasn't mad. I kept telling my guy to settle down its no big deal, but he kept wigging out. He was worried about my roommate more than he was about me! One guy I went out on a 1 date with, asked if I had a roommate, I told him the truth that its a guy, and this dude cut the date off a few minutes later, for chris sakes, and never returned my calls after. I don't rule it out that these dudes are dumping me for other reasons, but regardless, no man will get serious with me in this situation. He has ditched girls just to hang out with me before, though, alone on the couch, but what does he want me to do? Kiss his feet?

 

I wonder what my roommate is thinking I want to tell him. Probably thinks I will tell him not to have girls over. If he's surprised at what I say, he hasn't been paying much attention then.

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Ok I"m starting to feel a bit sad now. But I'll be ok. I'm still telling him I don't want to live with him anymore. I just don't want to feel sad about it:(

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i never said OR implied that you had low self esteem.

 

i am proud of you being strong enough to see what needs to be done - so hold your ground... you will soon know what path this will take... and you'll be better for it.

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I followed the other post and I have to say, bringing a girl over is as clear a sign that he's not into you enough or that way as you could ever get. While I think the book 'he's not that into' you really oversimplifies things, sometimes a duck is just a duck.

 

or a dud is just a dud.

 

And it is better to recognize it for what it is and take all necessary actions to move on. And stop hanging on to the hope that feelings will grow, emerge, flourish, etc. You do seem to be stuck in what seems to be an unhealthy situation for you in that crushing over your roomate the way you do puts you in a continualy vulnerable position. And you know what, the one thing I enjoy the most about being single is having no one around to cramp my style and only allowing potential dating candidates to make me feel like gold.

 

Move out do whatever you have to do to get yourself out of that zone, be it about your dating life or your own sanity. It's clear that living with this man is keeping you from leading a glorious single life.

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Ok I"m starting to feel a bit sad now. But I'll be ok. I'm still telling him I don't want to live with him anymore. I just don't want to feel sad about it:(

 

Sad about what? Not living with him anymore? Honey, you've been friends for years, that's not going to go away!

 

Sad about having to let go of that dream? Yeah that is hard. But absolutely mandatory. And we're here to support you!

 

you'll make it! here's a big hug!

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Sad about what? Not living with him anymore? Honey, you've been friends for years, that's not going to go away!

 

Sad about having to let go of that dream? Yeah that is hard. But absolutely mandatory. And we're here to support you!

 

you'll make it! here's a big hug!

 

AWWW :) I guess sad that I was sooo wrong about him. Sad that he's not the man I thought he was. This'll make the second time I walk away from him in a sense; I'm just going to either get a 1 bedroom or move in with mom, either way I'll be close by and still a neigbor. I don't know how much I'll have to do with him then, probably not a lot, but so what.

 

He is officially the fool in the situation now, not me. Isn't my fault that he can't see what he could have. And I don't think he expects me to be ballsy enough to leave him high and dry. Not only am I ballsy enough, I wish I could move out tomorrow...gotta hold up my end of the lease though.

 

I have 2 occasions coming up where I will hopefully get to meet some men...a wedding and a huge party for a friend's birthday. I want to start to bringing men over without even telling him they are coming and see how that makes him feel. Not that it matters. My mind is made up; he could say he's in love with me and I wouldn't even believe him. He might be viscious enough to tell that big of a lie just to keep using me.

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bridget_jones

I was really hoping I was wrong. Sorry.

However I do not want to get your hopes up but if you move out, he might actually start to miss you and realize he does care for you in that way. Absence makes the heart grow fonder? There could definitely be some truth in that.

I don't think he is really 'into' Sophia, by the way, since they have been on and off before casually, it looks like just another 'on' time which will be off in not too long of a period.

And honestly don't bother with wanting to have men over to the house just to see your roommate's reaction. If you meet someone and click, great, but don't do it for reactions' sake of him. It will actually only push him farther away and make the situation more uncomfortable for you if you are doing it all in the sake of mind games with your roommate.

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He called. He said what did you want to tell me thats so important. He asked if I was jealous about the girl over last night. I said no. I said our lives are just too different and I shouldn't stay in this living situation. He seemed aggravated that I interupted his date last night to say I wanna talk to him about something...like I give a crap...she wasn't even in the room when I told him.

 

At first he thought I wanted him to move out like right now, but I guess he didn't realize we're both legally bound to the lease. So I said Geez, no, I just mean after the lease is up we won't live together.

 

He said "I love you to death but I'm done with it too." Almost as though he had already thought it over. What the hell was all extra sweetness about then? I guess he hoped it would be enough to get me to put up with B.S.? And he said well, we've made it this far, so whats another 4 months?

 

I don't know what ever made us think that this would actually make sense and work out. I feel better that we have it on the table though.

 

I didn't want to admit that I was in fact jealous. But what if I did? I wonder what he would have said about that? Well, he probably would have said, we shouldn't live together then.

 

He seems to be taking this awfully well. I think I expected him to argue more for the sake of keeping a rent-helper and an occasional babysitter, cuz I don't know who will be dumb enough to do it like I did. He must have confidence that he'll find someone else. He must think I'm disrupting his dating life as much he does mine.

 

Letting go of the dream to get together just makes me feel so lonely again. If I don't find people to start dating soon, I'll get awfully depressed. I'm not looking forward to feeling this way again, its already kicked in since I haven't dated in so long.

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I feel better that we talked, but now I feel awfully vulnerable to just breaking down and telling him how I really feel. But we just decided not to live together after the lease is up....so now I get the nerve to tell him the truth, of course, but what would be the point? Should I get it off my chest just to release it? I think it would help; but if he gives me the "just friends" speech it might not help at all and make me feel worse.?

 

Why did he care if the girl made me jealous or not?

 

2 weeks ago he was excited about living with me further, then I got pssed off cuz he went out all night and left the kids with me, then he was majorly kissing my a**, then he has a girl over and I cracked.

 

this sucks and i can't wait until I'm in a place where I can just cry...I'll be ok though, crying might be better than telling him the truth...

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bridget_jones

I was almost ready to tell you that you should have a full confession of your feelings to him before you move out, take a risk on what his reaction would be etc.

This was until you said that he stayed out all night and left you to watch his kids. You said he was this good dad and all but a good dad doesn't go out all night when it is his weekend with the kids and leave them for his roommate to watch.

I go back to my opinion that you can do way better than this man. Don't sell yourself short.

I would look at this as an adventure! Moving out is an exciting new chapter in your life and it is freeing, you are releasing all these negative and hurt feelings you have hanging around from this roommate guy and look forward to dating and eventually finding someone new.

I'm moving across the country within a few months as I have just accepted a job offer....I have no idea who my next date will be, but I know I will date again and have a relationship with someone and I am embracing this new chapter in my life with excitment! This is how I would approach moving out.

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Well, Bridget..I was very PO'd about the kids thing...He did tell me was going out but he didn't say it was all night. A few hours doesn't bother me because he rarely goes out, and I think he deserves to go have fun, etc, but his argument was that, since the kids are 14, they are old enough to be home alone, and since he's just a phone call away that seems ok to him. It isn't like he does often by any means, so I finally just figured, his way of parenting isn't even my business. And he bluntly expresses tha he doesn't want me to feel responsible for the kids, however, if I'm the adult there, I might be automatically responsible in certain situations. We never came to a compromise on the issue. I just let it go as an occurence that isn't often enough to move out over.

 

After that was when he started to majorly kiss my butt. Doing sweet things that he wouldn't normally do, hanging out with me more and alone on the couch at night, and of course I refused to assume he was trying to win me over. Hence, the reason why I kept my distance on the couch no matter how freakin sweet he was being. It felt something was up.

 

So last night I felt like he was testing me from the second the girl showed up. I could tell by the way he as acting. He wanted to see if I would get mad about him going on a date while his daughter was there. But him and the girl were only gone an hour, so I didn't mind at all. It just made me realize our lives are too different. But he was quick to ask me about jealousy today, thats for sure. His testing me was looking for answers of some sort, I'm sure.

 

I still feel the need to let it spill. I guess part of me is actually dumb enough to think that he still might just be Mr. Tough guy hiding his feelings.

 

good luck on your journey...

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bridget_jones

I think you should spill everything. Have an open discussion. I hope he will tell you the honest truth about what the he** has been going on in his head. It's possible he DID want you to be jealous, and when you said you weren't, he assumed it was all just over so that is when he said he was done with it all.

Since you two have known each other so long I don't see why you can't have an honest disscussion about everything.

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I think you should spill everything. Have an open discussion. I hope he will tell you the honest truth about what the he** has been going on in his head. It's possible he DID want you to be jealous, and when you said you weren't, he assumed it was all just over so that is when he said he was done with it all.

Since you two have known each other so long I don't see why you can't have an honest disscussion about everything.

 

I agree. Now that its out in the open more, I'm sure we'll be talking more. It might be a few days before I see him though, cuz he works every night. Its funny what you say, cuz it crossed my mind that "done" almost sounded like "done trying..." Done trying to keep me happy? 2 weeks ago he said he really dug me as a roommate, now he's fed up with me because I'm fed up with him! Makes no sense..

 

thanks for all your knowledge even from that darn book!

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I agree. Now that its out in the open more, I'm sure we'll be talking more. It might be a few days before I see him though, cuz he works every night. Its funny what you say, cuz it crossed my mind that "done" almost sounded like "done trying..." Done trying to keep me happy? 2 weeks ago he said he really dug me as a roommate, now he's fed up with me because I'm fed up with him! Makes no sense..

 

thanks for all your knowledge even from that darn book!

 

Wait... Did you tell him how you feel?

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I had every intention of coming home last night and trying to put some effort into spilling the beans. I promised everyone on LS I would!! It was my inspiration, I'm not kidding! :laugh:

 

However, I was thrown off at the 2nd day in a row of his sudden, distant presence with me. Not like he was mad at me, but sick of me maybe. Next thing I know, he's got a date with a girl. Same girl he invited over one night a few months ago, 10 mintues after we had an argument. Anyhow he wasn't interacting with me very much, he was talking to his buddy about his date instead. Then she just shows up. This makes the 2nd time I felt like I was being tested with this chick. (But I'm always cool to her...unlike him when I had a guy here once). I even heard him and his buddy chuckle in the other room, like they were getting a kick out of it.

 

Later that night I couldn't sleep and realized our lives our too different.

 

I got up and came out here to say I needed to talk to him tomorrow, not right then, but tomorrow, and he was aggravated because I did it while his date was in the bathroom. I didn't care less. I wouldn't have done it with her in the same room, and it was quite spontaneous of me. I feel I should be able to talk to him when ever I please, if he is here at home.

 

Today he called me at work, which he has never done before. He sounded annoyed and asked me what I wanted that was so important that I had to try to talk to him while he's got company. I never dreamed he'd be so irritated. What am I supposed to do, act different because this strange girl is my house? He asked me if I was jealous!!! I said no, our lives just clash too much. I said I have to do what is best for me. And OH he just couldn't agree more, "I love you death, but I'm done too". Then, he thought I wanted him to pack his sh*t and go! I was like, what?! As if I would throw him and his daughter on the street. I said "no, after the lease is up we shouldn't do it anymore..." Then a sound of relief in his voice, "Oh yea, we can make it that far". We even discussed who was staying and who was going. I told him I'll get a 1 bedroom because I hope to live alone again.

 

That was earlier today, and now I'm at home starting to convince myself he loves me again. When I move, (in with mom) we will still be close by neighbors. I don't know if thats enough space for me to let go. I'm busy enough that I could easily avoid him, but I know we would visit plenty. Nothing wrong with that, but I don't know...

 

2 weeks ago we said we were quite happy. And now we are here.

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I'm starting to feel bad for telling him I wanted to talk last night while his date was in the bathroom, even though I said tomorrow and not right now. What if she got mad and thats why he's soo mad at me? Geez, it isn't like I meant to...it sounds like he thinks I did it on purpose.

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LL, it doesn't sound to me like you spilled the beans at all. Instead you tried protecting yourself by lying about the fact that it didn't bother you that he had company over. Which landed you in a discussion about moving out.

 

I do kind of understand why you did that. I think you are trying to protect yourself. I just wonder if that is the best thing to do.

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