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Enforcing Boundaries, Weeding Out Bad Friends, Finding New Friends, Etc.


JackBlack

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I'm not sure if this is something that everyone goes through at some point in their lives, but after going though college and grad school, I'm only now entering the "real world" and figuring out a lot of things about myself that I feel I should have figured out long ago. I grew up in a small suburb in a conservative family and was raised in somewhat of a sheltered environment. I guess up until now I focused so much on school, finding a secure job, and ensuring financial stability for my future that I never really bothered to focus on myself, what I like, the types of people I get along with, and just generally, who I am as a person.

 

So, I am only now making a concerted effort to branch out socially and find people with whom I see myself building long-lasting relationships with. The problem is that there are some friends in my life that I have known for a long (or even short) time that because they know me well enough seem to reinforce inadequacies or insecurities that I once had, that I either no longer have, or continue to have but am making an attempt to overcome. In most cases, I don't think these friends mean ill will, but simply act the way they do because they knew me once as a certain type of person and assume that I will always be the same person. In other cases, I think these friends have a subconscious desire that I remain flawed, because any desire that I might have to better myself would make them feel insecure about themselves. Yet in other cases, my friends simply misperceive me as someone I am not.

 

I tend to be a pretty laid-back guy, so I think it's easy for people to misunderstand me to also be a doormat or someone who doesn't stand up for himself. What's interesting is that strangers tend to be very respectful and friendly to me, and I think I normally exude a healthy balance of self-esteem, confidence, respect, and generosity to those around me. But then when people get to know me, they tend to exploit my insecurities or generosity for their own benefit.

 

I also tend to be a pretty genuine person and don't act like someone I'm not, so I'm pretty easy to read. Sometimes I think that maybe I reveal too much of myself to people, and this is why I feel that sometimes my friends exploit me.

 

So I guess my question is, how do I deal with friendships that, although otherwise good friendships, reinforce past or current insecurities I have about myself; how do I strike the delicate balance of building new friendships yet don't reveal enough of myself that I can be exploited; how do I draw and enforce boundaries between myself and both current and new friends without making the mistake of not being open enough to other people and thereby undercutting any chance of having fulfilling and valuable friendships?

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The only person who can change their perceptions, is yourself. Be more assertive and don't allow others to drive who you are. It's easy to fall back into old patterns. What you need to do is to create your own patterns.

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Hello JackBlack,

 

I don't have the answer to what you are asking for.

 

I 've just wanted to tell you that what you describe is my reality. I couldn't find better words to express my situation than the ones you use. I want to thank you for that.

 

Don't give up. I won't.

 

And I think it's good to know that you are not alone in a situation.

 

Hope the next time I reply to you I will have a satisfying answer.

 

See ya.;)

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Wow, I logged on today just to start a topic like this!

 

I want some better quality relationships in my life. I'm just looking for friends, not true love, which I don't think is ever going to happen for me (too much baggage in my personal life, I'd just be happy to have good friends). Only recently have I realized that part of the reason why I shy away from friendships is because I've grown up around so many other people (in my family) who let themselves be treated as doormats. Their standards are pretty low: they'll go all out for people who don't do the same in return, they're always attracting weird/dysfunctional people who take advantage of them, and I don't think they even are aware of what a good relationship IS - where you trade kindnesses and it's not just a one-way street.

 

These people were my models when I was growing up... it's no wonder my social life is such a stunted mess. And no wonder I find relationships so disappointing to the point where I have had long stretches of just giving up.

 

JackBlack, my advice to you, which I'm trying to apply to my own life: Look for people who treat you with kindness and consideration. If you do them a small kindness and they remember that and reciprocate, voila, you have a new relationship, even if it doesn't involve hanging out with each other (yet).

 

As for the boundary setting with your current friends... I don't know if there's any easier way to do it, than just don't give them EVERYTHING they want all the time. Make conscious (though private) choices to choose your new relationships -- no matter how modest they may be -- over anything your current friends are doing to hold you back.

 

Identify the person(s) you want to be your new friends, and then see if they want to be friends back... and then as long as you keep your eyes open about the various ways your current friends "try" to derail you (they probably don't know they're doing that to you), you can make the choice to reach out to new people instead.

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So I guess my question is, how do I deal with friendships that, although otherwise good friendships, reinforce past or current insecurities I have about myself; how do I strike the delicate balance of building new friendships yet don't reveal enough of myself that I can be exploited; how do I draw and enforce boundaries between myself and both current and new friends without making the mistake of not being open enough to other people and thereby undercutting any chance of having fulfilling and valuable friendships?

 

Well I faced a similar situation, but due to drug addiction. I had a whole circle of friends who did drugs with me and reinforced my desire to do drugs. So I basically had to cut them off and start a new. Now your situation is obviously less dire. Maybe a direct conversation could do the trick.

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burning 4 revenge
Well I faced a similar situation, but due to drug addiction. I had a whole circle of friends who did drugs with me and reinforced my desire to do drugs. So I basically had to cut them off and start a new. Now your situation is obviously less dire. Maybe a direct conversation could do the trick.
Finding someone who doesn't do drugs in Florida is like finding an atheist in Mecca.
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Hmm, I'm going through the same thing. I've cleaned up the drama in my life, and now I find I can't take too much of my friends' drama...

 

Times, they are a-changing...

 

This is what I'm doing. I'm telling my friends that I cleaned up my own life and because of the stress of doing that, I really can't handle too much crap anymore. This is the truth, they get the hint, and, honestly, they seem to prefer wallowing in the crap with the new friends they have found, so I'm left alone, more and more. We are still friends, but it's different and I'm ok with it.

 

I'm making new friends, too, who are more on the level I'm on, now, but, that's not "perfect" either. I appreciate old and new, but am concentrating on my hobbies, job, family, etc.

 

It will be fine. Just be a good person, and you will find the right place. :)

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In Liquid Wonder
I'm telling my friends that I cleaned up my own life and because of the stress of doing that, I really can't handle too much crap anymore.

 

Wow, that's exactly what I need to do in my own life. I'm weeding out the not-so-great friendships, slowly, but the ones that are still genuine tend to have so much drama/negativity/complaining.

 

I'm not sure if I can just tell them "Hey, I'm growing up, can you take your trash out to someone else's dumpster? Kthx." Most of the people I need to break these habits with are in the midst of pretty crappy times themselves, and I feel like it would be very unkind of me to just drop something like that.

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I'm in my mid 40's and recently "cleaned house" and got rid of all the toxic people in my life. Now I gotta figure out how to meet new friends - ones I can trust. I sure can't go out grocery shopping for them - I'll just let it happen naturally.

 

Basically I got sick of narcisstic, self absorbed idiots who didn't care about me unless they wanted something. Maybe this is how most all people are - I dunno. I know I just got tired of always being the one to email or call to say "How are you?" then listen to them go on and on and on without once wanting to know how I am or what's going on in my life.

 

I'm tired of putting forth all the effort - sick of selfish people - ready to be alone for a while until I find new friends who are genuine.

 

I read that you can test a true friend by saying something exciting is fixing to happen in your life - but don't give them any details. Wait several days and see if they remember and ask you about it. Most people don't. The true friend will remember and say "Hey - what was that exciting news you mentioned the other day?".

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