Storyrider Posted November 10, 2006 Share Posted November 10, 2006 Remember the "Friends" episode where Joey and Rachel are too poor to enjoy the meal at the expensive restaurant with the others? That is me. I get invited to girls' night out, and I can't afford it. It is embarrassing because I'll order a soup and salad while the other ladies order what they want. Do you think this ruins the festive mood for the group to watch me searching for the cheapest thing on the menu? Sometimes I just give in and spend like everyone else (apprx. 40 dollars for two drinks and one entree at the places they like to go) and then H. freaks out when the credit card bill comes and tells me we could feed the whole family for that amount. I think I need more poor friends! Any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 10, 2006 Share Posted November 10, 2006 I think that your friends are scummy if they don't offer to treat you once in a while knowing you're broke. I used to do that often when I had more money than my buds and they did the same for me when the situation was reversed. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted November 10, 2006 Share Posted November 10, 2006 Are your friends oblivious to your financial situation, or just inconsiderate? Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted November 10, 2006 Share Posted November 10, 2006 I can relate. I stopped hanging out with a certain group of friends years ago because not only they either tended to prefer more expensive places than I could afford, but insisted splitting the bill in equal parts on a couple of occasions where I ordered considerably cheaper stuff than they did. The last straw was the second of these occasions. I had asked beforehand if it was okay that everybody paid what he ordered, but ended up paying from twice to thrice what I should have if we had ended up not splitting. Got into an argument with them, they offered to pay for me when we went to play pool afterwards "so we would get even", but it was not quite the same things. And not just for the money. It is embarrassing because I'll order a soup and salad while the other ladies order what they want. Do you think this ruins the festive mood for the group to watch me searching for the cheapest thing on the menu? If it does, it's their problem!!! MH raised a great point. Do they know you can't afford to spend much money? Link to post Share on other sites
Angel291 Posted November 10, 2006 Share Posted November 10, 2006 I would not feel emberassed if I was you. I have friends who I go out with often and sometimes I will order an expensive platter and my friend will just have coffee and an appetizer. Or sometimes I will be with them and they will order food and I will just have a glass of wine. For me it is more about being with them than the food. I think that if your friends care about the fact that you are not ordering much (or anything at all) then they are jerks. I met this girl one time who I went out with to go shopping. She wanted to eat and so I told her to stop wherever she wanted. She found this place and went in to order and then pitched a gigantic fit when she found out I did not want to order anything. She carried on about how it would be so emberassing to sit there and eat with me not eating and refused to eat in the place. Personally, I think that is rediculous and showed that she cared far too much about what other people thought. If you want to eat, eat. If you don't, don't. If your friends are cool, they shouldn't even care either way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Storyrider Posted November 10, 2006 Author Share Posted November 10, 2006 Actually, nobody in this group would ever be rude about it. I think it is more in my own head. Just feeling self-conscious. My best friend in the group does offer to treat pretty frequently and has even said very kindly that she'd rather have me there and pay for me. But I feel like a sponger if I do it too often. The ladies in this group are all wealthier than me--their husbands are lawyers or work in high tech management. Mine is a philosophy PhD and I have an English MFA. I always joke that we are over educated and under funded! But we have great conversations! I know things will get better when my youngest starts school and I can work a real job. Two more years... I never thought or worried much about money when I fell in love with H. I just always thought we'd be happy because we're together, and we are. It just sucks when I have to decide between sending my kid to swim lessons, replacing the scratched lenses in my glasses, or going out with the girls to burn off steam after a week with the kids. So, my glasses are still scratched 1 Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted November 10, 2006 Share Posted November 10, 2006 So, my glasses are still scratched Maybe you'll take better care of them next time. You have a MFA and watch Friends? Have you lost your mind??!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KittenMoon Posted November 10, 2006 Share Posted November 10, 2006 I'm in my mid-20s and on the other side of things. I can afford to treat myself a bit, however most of my friends have far less disposable cash than me. I think your friends are being a tad inconsiderate- when I go out with friends, I tend towards cheaper places, unless it's a special occasion. Maybe next time, you can suggest some cheaper, alternative hang outs! I gotta say, soem of my fav restaurants to go with my friends with are hole in the wall places with kickin food~! Link to post Share on other sites
Rooster_DAR Posted November 10, 2006 Share Posted November 10, 2006 Remember the "Friends" episode where Joey and Rachel are too poor to enjoy the meal at the expensive restaurant with the others? That is me. I get invited to girls' night out, and I can't afford it. It is embarrassing because I'll order a soup and salad while the other ladies order what they want. Do you think this ruins the festive mood for the group to watch me searching for the cheapest thing on the menu? Sometimes I just give in and spend like everyone else (apprx. 40 dollars for two drinks and one entree at the places they like to go) and then H. freaks out when the credit card bill comes and tells me we could feed the whole family for that amount. I think I need more poor friends! Any advice? I make good money and have poor friends, yet I treat them to a nice dinner and the like fairly often. Friends to me can't be replaced, to I treat them like true friends and if they are in need I'm there for them. If you lived here, I would consider taking out for a nice expensive dinner. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Storyrider Posted November 10, 2006 Author Share Posted November 10, 2006 Maybe next time, you can suggest some cheaper, alternative hang outs! I gotta say, soem of my fav restaurants to go with my friends with are hole in the wall places with kickin food~! Yeah, I think I should get more active in the selection process. You're right. Maybe you'll take better care of them next time. It's that darn non-reflective coating. Lasted four years, though. You have a MFA and watch Friends? Have you lost your mind??!! Yes, I have lost my mind. I have two small children! TV in general is way to decompress after the kids are in bed. It is a bad habit, but cheap! I guess TV is one reason I haven't written my novel yet. Friends is kind of like eating Cheatos. It's gross, but I sometimes do it anyway if there's nothing better on. (no cable--money again! In fact, we didn't even have good rabbit ears until my husband decided he wanted to watch the Pope's funeral. He's not big into TV.) I like that new show, Six Degrees, that comes on after Grey's A. The edgy, recovering alcoholic photographer is interesting. Link to post Share on other sites
Fun2BMe Posted November 10, 2006 Share Posted November 10, 2006 Maybe next time, you can suggest some cheaper, alternative hang outs! I gotta say, soem of my fav restaurants to go with my friends with are hole in the wall places with kickin food~! I have to agree with KittenMoon. Maybe you can start taking turns picking a restaurant and suggest less expensive ones once in a while. You say your portion comes to $40 for an entree and 2 drinks, which is roughly a $20 meal and about $10 per drink. You can say you have mommy duties when you get home or something and only order 1 drink. Maybe you can tell the waiter to make it a little strong. For the entree you can pretend you're dieting maybe and order an appetizer for your meal and eat beforehand so you won't be too hungry. I think if you make a fuss about it as much as they like you it will probably ruin the atmosphere for them to feel guilty for enjoying more than you. The trick should be for you to act like what you are ordering is what you want and not due to your financial situation so that they will not be made to feel uncomfortable or for them to have to feel sorry for you. I think that is propper etiquette rather than skimming through the menu and obviously picking the lowest priced item. WHenever I've had any financial hardship in the past, my friends have never noticed it. So far your friends seem to be great in the sense that they have not let you feel bad about anything as far as your financial situation and the outings to the point that you are having to ask if we think it bothers them. You have the responsibility to do the same thing as far as not letting them realize you are in a financially tight spot so they don't have to feel sorry for you, feel like they have to pay or step down a notch on the places they like to go or feel guilty eating in front of you, kind of like how I don't know about others, but I hate to eat when there are any pets such as a dog around staring at me. I will feed my food to them instead or not eat at all. As far as your TV watching, the one show I recently started watching due to everyone recommending it is House. You say you don't have cable, I think it just moved from cable to regular TV. From your description of Six Degrees, I think you'd like it, about an edgy doctor who has to diagnose a rare medical condition on a patient each episode. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted November 10, 2006 Share Posted November 10, 2006 How often do you attend Girls Night Out? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 10, 2006 Share Posted November 10, 2006 Remember the "Friends" episode where Joey and Rachel are too poor to enjoy the meal at the expensive restaurant with the others? I find that hard to believe considering their designer clothes and lavish apartments.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Storyrider Posted November 10, 2006 Author Share Posted November 10, 2006 I think if you make a fuss about it as much as they like you it will probably ruin the atmosphere for them to feel guilty for enjoying more than you. The trick should be for you to act like what you are ordering is what you want and not due to your financial situation so that they will not be made to feel uncomfortable or for them to have to feel sorry for you. Thanks Fun2BMe, I like your advice. This is exactly what I am sensing I should do, but you put it into words better. I have a tendency to be too honest at times and blurt out whatever is going on in my head, but my gut tells me it is creating a negative vibe. About House, maybe I will try it. But I saw a spoof of it on Mad TV that was so hilarious and now it is hard for me to take it seriously!!! How often do you attend Girls Night Out? Once or twice a month, at least I try to limit it to that. But then these same moms go out to lunch several times a week after play dates and I get asked along. These are much cheaper meals for burritos or noodle bowls, but it does add up after a while. I just have to pick and choose what I participate in, and I sometimes wonder if they think I am being antisocial. I realize that this is a short term problem. My youngest is three, but in two years she will start kindergarten and then so many things will change. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Storyrider Posted November 14, 2006 Author Share Posted November 14, 2006 So, I went on my girls' night out and failed miserably to budget myself at all. I was going to try to be subtle and not bring anybody else down, while stealthily ordering cheap. Was going to have a beer as cheaper by far than wine, but I ended up sitting next to the window (closed, but below freezing outside and like sitting next to a giant ice cube) and as I was already shivering, couldn't bring myself to drink anything cold. So OMG, 1 glass of shiraz was almost ten dolllars!!! Must admit it was very good, but still!!! Then I very prudently chose the risotto with wild mushroom for fourteen dollars, cheapest entree that was not pizza. Other ladies proceded to add salads and appetizers up the wazoo for the table to split, followed by desserts to split. Total damage for me, $37.00 plus tip. Went home and told H. He said, "Maybe you can go out again in four months." I told him that was just a bit extreme and suggested two months. He said I was childish and had no sense of reality. Meanwhile, madly grading papers to catch up after night out and just caught two that are plagiarized directly from Wikipedia. You know something is up when your problem student is suddenly waxing eloquent like a textbook about Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted November 14, 2006 Share Posted November 14, 2006 Then I very prudently chose the risotto with wild mushroom for fourteen dollars, Better than sex. Meanwhile, madly grading papers to catch up after night out and just caught two that are plagiarized directly from Wikipedia. You know something is up when your problem student is suddenly waxing eloquent like a textbook about Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Yes, the Internet has made things so easy. Plagiarism used to be an art - now people can't even be bothered with "editing." Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted November 14, 2006 Share Posted November 14, 2006 I would suggest a couple of things : Order the appetizer. : Thats usually under $ 10. Eat something at home before you go like soup or fruit. That way after you eat the appetizer ( and no-one is really going to pay attention to whats on your plate and if they comment then they aren't really good friends anyway ). Order an iced tea instead of alchohol. Drink a little bit at home ( if you must ) to get a lite buzz . If you do decide the ladies nite out should include a drink then just order one and drink it slow... Your friends offering to buy you dinner is awesome. If the situation was reversed then you would do the same. For the times they have I think thats great. For all they times they haven't then I would put that behind you if they genuinely care about you in all other areas Link to post Share on other sites
lighthouse Posted November 14, 2006 Share Posted November 14, 2006 Better than sex. Yes, the Internet has made things so easy. Plagiarism used to be an art - now people can't even be bothered with "editing." :lmao: :lmao: lighthouse Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted November 14, 2006 Share Posted November 14, 2006 You said that one of your friends has offered to pay for you before. Talk to her in private about your dinner concerns. Then, go out to lunch with them more often and pay for yourself. For your friend to pay for your dinner once a month is not a big deal. Let her do it. I'm sure that she's right, having you around for dinner once a month is more valuable to her than $40. Link to post Share on other sites
burning 4 revenge Posted November 14, 2006 Share Posted November 14, 2006 Off topic: Is your MFA in creative writing? On topic: Credit cards aren't real money, so bon appetite Link to post Share on other sites
Author Storyrider Posted November 14, 2006 Author Share Posted November 14, 2006 Thanks everyone for your kind advice. Better than sex. Maybe I did get my money's worth... Yes, the Internet has made things so easy. Plagiarism used to be an art - now people can't even be bothered with "editing." Yeah, and now I have to put on my "mean teacher" hat tonight. Off topic: Is your MFA in creative writing? Yes. On topic: Credit cards aren't real money, so bon appetite That's what I keep telling H, but for some reason he doesn't believe me!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Fun2BMe Posted November 14, 2006 Share Posted November 14, 2006 Maybe I did get my money's worth... LOL no wonder your husband is getting so upset:lmao: Well what if you take home some yummy leftovers for your husband he might not get so upset when you drop the $40 bomb. Also I didn't realize it was you on my thread;) Link to post Share on other sites
CaterpillarGirl Posted November 14, 2006 Share Posted November 14, 2006 I'm in grad school, so I definitely understand about eating on a budget. Since most of my friends are similarly situated, we came up with the idea to take turns hosting dinner parties every week. One person is responsible for the meal - which, if you are creative, can easily be prepared for like 20-25 dollars for 6 people. This gives us girls a chance to catch up and relax, and is considerably less expensive than eating out. Even the ones who aren't that great in the kitchen can manage to warm up a pre-made lasagna and fix a salad. Just make sure someone brings a bottle of wine! Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted November 14, 2006 Share Posted November 14, 2006 I'm in grad school, so I definitely understand about eating on a budget. Since most of my friends are similarly situated, we came up with the idea to take turns hosting dinner parties every week. One person is responsible for the meal - which, if you are creative, can easily be prepared for like 20-25 dollars for 6 people. This gives us girls a chance to catch up and relax, and is considerably less expensive than eating out. Even the ones who aren't that great in the kitchen can manage to warm up a pre-made lasagna and fix a salad. Just make sure someone brings a bottle of wine! Grrreat Idea ! Or better yet potluck. Everyone brings a salad or main dish Link to post Share on other sites
Fun2BMe Posted November 14, 2006 Share Posted November 14, 2006 Grrreat Idea ! Or better yet potluck. Everyone brings a salad or main dish Bad idea! Her friends are professionals who eat out to unwind. To ask them to cook is like more work that will not be the stressfree treat they are looking for. Since most of my friends are similarly situated That's not the case with the OP. Her friends are better off and once a month they all want to treat themselves to a fancy restaurant. She can't tell them let's do a potluck or cook at home instead!! Link to post Share on other sites
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