Why have I become a hermit?

[worriedsick]

Okay, a few months back I was really annoyed that my friends had become so boring and didn't want to do anything. Now, I have become that person somehow and I can't really figure out why. My husband calls me from work all the time asking me if I want to go over to so-and-so's house (it's always someone different) or our friends will call and ask if we want to come over and hang out. My H is fine and wants to go, but for some reason, lately the thought of hanging out with any of our current friends makes me just want to hide. I can't stand the thought of another night of just sitting on my ass at their house or watching them sit on their asses at my house, and would rather go to bed at 9:00 than even have to deal with them. I can't figure out why I have become this way, because before, even though I wanted to go out and about with our friends and they refused, I still agreed to game nights or whatever they wanted as an alternative. Now, I have just gotten to the point where I can't even "fake it" anymore with them. The only reason I do occasionally go anywhere or let them come to my house is at my H's urging, because I know he's bored. How do I get out of this rut and stop despising our friends???

[norajane]

Try planning some activities that you enjoy and invite them to do those things, rather than just hanging out at each other's houses. Suggest going to a movie, or to a new restaurant, or to a play or concert, or dancing, or to a hockey game - whatever floats your boat! Plan a party with music and food and drinks. Go see Blue Man Group or Stomp or for a carriage ride in the park. Go to an art gallery or museum night - a lot of museums in the city have an evening where people go, have drinks and snacks, and get to wander around looking at art...it's usually for singles to meet and mingle, but there's no reason you can't go with a group of married friends.

[worriedsick]

Try planning some activities that you enjoy and invite them to do those things, rather than just hanging out at each other's houses. Suggest going to a movie, or to a new restaurant, or to a play or concert, or dancing, or to a hockey game - whatever floats your boat! Plan a party with music and food and drinks. Go see Blue Man Group or Stomp or for a carriage ride in the park. Go to an art gallery or museum night - a lot of museums in the city have an evening where people go, have drinks and snacks, and get to wander around looking at art...it's usually for singles to meet and mingle, but there's no reason you can't go with a group of married friends.

 

Those are fabulous ideas, and I have thought about most of them. Unfortunately, anything that involves money, our friends won't do. Most of our friends are very cheap and won't spend money to do anything. That's why we are always left with just going to each other's houses if we want to do anything. However, my H and I have started planning things that we do just by ourselves and have stopped even extending invitations to our friends because we know they'll turn us down unless it's something basically free to do. My problem is that I have just started refusing to do the "free stuff" anymore and have taken the approach that if they can't concede to do what we want once in a while, then I guess we'll all be bored because I refuse to do the normal boring crap anymore. I am sorta okay with it, but my H is getting bored and lonely, I think, but I have a hard time "playing nice" anymore when our friends come over or vice versa, because I resent them and their lack of desire to do anything.

[hotgurl]

Those are fabulous ideas, and I have thought about most of them. Unfortunately, anything that involves money, our friends won't do. Most of our friends are very cheap and won't spend money to do anything. That's why we are always left with just going to each other's houses if we want to do anything. However, my H and I have started planning things that we do just by ourselves and have stopped even extending invitations to our friends because we know they'll turn us down unless it's something basically free to do. My problem is that I have just started refusing to do the "free stuff" anymore and have taken the approach that if they can't concede to do what we want once in a while, then I guess we'll all be bored because I refuse to do the normal boring crap anymore. I am sorta okay with it, but my H is getting bored and lonely, I think, but I have a hard time "playing nice" anymore when our friends come over or vice versa, because I resent them and their lack of desire to do anything.

 

Why don't you widen your circle of friends? Join a club, take a class. Sometimes they offer couples classes like dancing or cooking. Really whatever interests you.

[sparklegirl]

It sounds to me like you're losing your independence. Because you have a man you are becoming more dependent on him always being there. You should go out and meet more friends because if you don't you'll end up alone in the end. He won't be able to stand how clingy you've become. You should be going out with your man and by yourself on occasion aswell.

[Craig]

This isn't a diagnosis but in my lay-opinion you sound like you could be depressed.

 

Try this self test at http://getfit.samhsa.gov/MentalHealth/Tests/depression.aspx

 

and Google depression on-line tests for other on-line tests for potential depression.

[seven]

One thought: Have you ever played the game Taboo? It's fun and you could play it with a group of people, and you can switch up partners so it's not couples against couples. There's a lot of board games for groups of people now. Maybe make a pitcher of margaritas or mudslides or something ... take the edge off.

 

Second thought: I went through a similar phase ... quit our couples bowling league 2 years ago. I couldn't stand being there, felt monotonous, etc. Found some other activities to do on my own ... took a writing/poetry class, started running, switched majors and went back to college. However, I did miss the scheduled couple time out (with kids, a regularly scheduled sitter is a good thing!), though I don't miss bowling.

[worriedsick]

It sounds to me like you're losing your independence. Because you have a man you are becoming more dependent on him always being there. You should go out and meet more friends because if you don't you'll end up alone in the end. He won't be able to stand how clingy you've become. You should be going out with your man and by yourself on occasion aswell.

 

Ummm, I don't think so. I'm not clingy to my H. I tell him, if he wants to go hang out with his friends, I'm totally okay with it. I just don't want him to expect me to come along and entertain the wife of whoever he is hanging out, even if she is my friend. It's not like we're dating and I'm getting "too cling" - we're married, so it's sorta expected we spend a lot of time together.

[worriedsick]

One thought: Have you ever played the game Taboo? It's fun and you could play it with a group of people, and you can switch up partners so it's not couples against couples. There's a lot of board games for groups of people now. Maybe make a pitcher of margaritas or mudslides or something ... take the edge off.

 

Second thought: I went through a similar phase ... quit our couples bowling league 2 years ago. I couldn't stand being there, felt monotonous, etc. Found some other activities to do on my own ... took a writing/poetry class, started running, switched majors and went back to college. However, I did miss the scheduled couple time out (with kids, a regularly scheduled sitter is a good thing!), though I don't miss bowling.

 

Thank you for the suggestion. Unfortunately, board games are pretty much all we do anymore. I swear, between the bunch of us, we own every board game ever made. Every weekend, it's the same. The friends come over around 7 or 8, everyone brings their beverage of choice, then we play board games until midnight or so. We change who's on what team, change games, etc. I'm just done with it. The last time they came over, I sat on the couch and fell asleep. I knew it was rude, but I'm just really tired of them all refusing to go do anything at all. So, if they want to come over to my house and watch me sleep as the alternative, then I guess that's what's going to happen.

 

As for the person who suggested I might be depressed, thank's for the concern. I too have thought of that possibility, but my mood issue is more situational than a constant thing. I have a few friends who live out of town and when we have chances to get together, we have fun even if we are just sitting around one another's houses. Plus, when they come to visit, my H and I go out of our way to do whatever our visiting friends want to do, to ensure they have a good time. Plus, those friends reciprocate when we go see them. It just seems like the friends we have here take for granted the fact that we will always be available to hang out and knowing that we don't usually have other plans, they realize they can get away with doing nothing we want to do, because our options are either do the same old boring crap with them, or sit at home alone. I have just decided to take the stand that if they want to be that way, then fine. However, I just refuse to put forth any effort for them anymore. The thought of losing them as friends really doesn't bother me that much, because I don't like to hang out with them most of the time anymore. I told my H this recently, and he said he felt the same way, but that maybe we should try to be more fun for them because, after all, we do need friends, even if they're boring. Somehow, I just don't feel that way anymore!!

[a4a]

Worried hell I feel the same way as you do, and so does my H. We just don't feel like sitting around someones house doing nothing. Then again we are freakin' workaholics (new discovery) so helping a friend build a deck or something like that we do enjoy...... but being a couch jockey.......no.

 

Again tho, we are very picky about who we spend time with because we could be working instead of wasting our time with people we really do not get thrilled being around.

 

Now if I could just figure out a way to never have to leave my house I would be thrilled! ....... see you are not the only person morphing into a hermit.

[Kenyth]

They don't want to ever go out for dinner and drinks? Maybe hit the comedy club? Sheeesssh, what a boring bunch!

 

I'm guessing everyone likes to sit around the house and just get snockered? You're probably in your late twenties or early thirties? You may be maturing a bit and the old "get together and get drunk" scene is starting to bore you.

 

Why don't you invite some new folks over along with the old standby's and throw a seasonal party? A good party with decorations, lot's of food, and socializing. Have them bring an appetizer or side dish, try a new recipe you've been wanting to. Have Martinis/Manhattans, wine, and cheese instead of Budweiser and Dorito's. Set up an outdoor area and have a fire. Serve hot seasonal punch or hot cocoa with peppermint schnapps. I mean, if you're bored with the same old, same old, change it up and do something different!

 

Take up a hobby like scrapbooking and have a party centered around that. There's all kinds of things to do if you think about it a bit. Then again, maybe you're tired of hanging with friends every free day of the week. Normal couples and families spend quality alone time too. We only go out with friends every couple of weeks. That seems to be the norm. Do you have children? Maybe you feel the way you do because you want to move out of the "party" phase of life and start a family?

[worriedsick]

They don't want to ever go out for dinner and drinks? Maybe hit the comedy club? Sheeesssh, what a boring bunch!

 

I'm guessing everyone likes to sit around the house and just get snockered? You're probably in your late twenties or early thirties? You may be maturing a bit and the old "get together and get drunk" scene is starting to bore you.

 

Why don't you invite some new folks over along with the old standby's and throw a seasonal party? A good party with decorations, lot's of food, and socializing. Have them bring an appetizer or side dish, try a new recipe you've been wanting to. Have Martinis/Manhattans, wine, and cheese instead of Budweiser and Dorito's. Set up an outdoor area and have a fire. Serve hot seasonal punch or hot cocoa with peppermint schnapps. I mean, if you're bored with the same old, same old, change it up and do something different!

 

Take up a hobby like scrapbooking and have a party centered around that. There's all kinds of things to do if you think about it a bit. Then again, maybe you're tired of hanging with friends every free day of the week. Normal couples and families spend quality alone time too. We only go out with friends every couple of weeks. That seems to be the norm. Do you have children? Maybe you feel the way you do because you want to move out of the "party" phase of life and start a family?

 

Yeah, they pretty much refuse to do anything. One of our friends scoffs everytime we spend money on anything involved with activites out of the house. For example, when we suggest going out to a restaurant, they say "Why would I pay $50 to go to a restaurant for one night, when I can pay $50 for a bunch of beer that will last me a month". It's that kind of mentality that drives me nuts. I guess they are happy to sit at home alone with their $50 worth of beer instead of be sociable.

 

Yes, we do have a child. We do like to spend time alone, but I actually do wish we did more stuff out of the house with other adults. I do really want to do fun stuff on Fridays and Saturdays, but when the only option is sitting around with our boring friends, I'd rather go to bed at 9:00 than sit around and have even a moderately interesting evening with them.

 

I guess the real issue is that our friends are so darn cheap!! They don't need to be, they just are (they both have good jobs). When we suggest a movie, they refuse to go t anything but matinees. When we suggest dinner out, they will only go to cheap buffet places. It's just getting really old!!

[Kenyth]

You're just going to have to find new friends or give your existing ones a kick in the pants. Tell them you're going out and wanted to know if they would join you. If they don't, say "Aww man, that's too bad. Maybe next time then?" Then go out by yourselves or with other people.