Caught In The Middle

[OatsAndHall]

I have worked with a woman for three years now and we've become friends over the 10 months or so. . Her and I began coaching track together this year for the first time and we spend a great deal of time together as our weekends are consumed by track meets and we work events at said meets together.

 

 

 

Before track season started, she had made some odd statements about things not being "good at home". I simply responded with "I'm sorry to hear that" when she made these comments. Statements like that increased during track season and I saw her and her husband bicker at a track meet. Again, I kept my nose out of it.

 

 

 

But, two weeks ago, we were both at the school on a Sunday, working on school stuff. I popped into her room to talk to her about a few work and track related issues and she was sobbing in her room. Her door was open and she was just sitting there, crying. She saw me walk into the room and started to sob more.

 

 

 

I asked her if there was anything I could do and she unloaded a whole lot of her martial issues. Apparently, her and her husband are discussing divorce and her coaching track is one of the issues. He didn't want her to coach as it's taking away from their time together on the weekend but she took the job so as she said she needed "space". And, apparently, he doesn't like the amount of time she spends with me, even though it's only at school, practice and track meets.

 

 

 

I was pretty taken-aback by everything but I just let her vent and didn't try to play marriage counselor. I only interjected when she brought up his issue with me and told her that I didn't understand why he'd have an issue as her and I have never spent time together outside of a work capacity. She stated that he's "just jealous". Long story short, I listened to her vent for about twenty minutes with a lot of platitudes.

 

 

 

Things between the two of us have been distant and odd since then which is understandable. I've just left it as it is. But, at a track meet this last Thursday, her husband showed up and spent the entire day (9+ hours) following her around and glaring at me. He and I have always been on friendly terms but he didn't even acknowledge me when I said hello to him. I don't if she said something to him about breaking down in front of me but this guy is angry with me

 

 

 

And, I was informed by another co-worker yesterday that people are gossiping about her and I. He wouldn't give me many details, just that "people are talking" about her and I. I told him there's nothing to talk about and that he needs to put down any bullchit rumors when he hears them. But, I work in a small, rural area, gossip becomes gospel and it's a pain in the a-- to deal with.

 

 

 

So, needless to say, I have no idea what to do. Her and I have another month of track (including an overnight trip) people are apparently spreading rumors and it's p-ssing me off. I'm temped to address the rumors with my administration as he and I are pretty tight but I don't want to add fuel to the fire. But, given the husband's reaction, I don't know if this is just going to go away. This is already turning into something really ugly and it could get worse..

 

 

 

Thoughts?

[Marc878]

You are in tight situation. Good thing you didn't get drawn into her marriage issues that's how a lot of EA's get started.

 

Is there any higher ups that could intervene on your part? Maybe recommend she step down?

 

At this point even though you are innocent her H is projecting the marital issues onto you.

 

People love to gossip and you're guilty by association it sounds like.

 

This won't get better I'm affraid.

 

What ever you do cut as much contact as possible and definitely don't call or text her.

[amaysngrace]

Get a girlfriend to accompany you on Thursday. Even if it’s just a female friend that you can pretend to be affectionate with or hire someone if you have to but make a very public statement to put the rumors to rest.

[OatsAndHall]

You are in tight situation. Good thing you didn't get drawn into her marriage issues that's how a lot of EA's get started.

 

Is there any higher ups that could intervene on your part? Maybe recommend she step down?

 

At this point even though you are innocent her H is projecting the marital issues onto you.

 

People love to gossip and you're guilty by association it sounds like.

 

This won't get better I'm affraid.

 

What ever you do cut as much contact as possible and definitely don't call or text her.

 

 

At this point, it's just rumor, speculation and the administration would only intervene if there were conflicts happening in public and in front of the kids. And, even then, it would be a stretch for him to ask her to resign; she'd have to do it on her own. These positions are unionized and asking her to step down over this would just blow up.

 

 

 

Although I was certainly uncomfortable with her dropping her marriage issues in my lap, I understand why she chose to do so. I'm kind of a recluse, I don't spread gossip and, even though my name was coming up in their issues, I was a relatively safe person to confide in. Everyone else around here (including her family and closer friends) would've been talking about her meltdown with half of the community five minutes after it happened.

 

 

 

You bring up a point that has been bugging the hell out of me; her and I literally have NO contact outside of work. We don't bullchit over text, talk on the phone or interact over social media. I literally have five texts from her on my phone and they pertain to track. So, this is all being completely fueled by people running their mouths.

 

 

 

Right now, the only contact I can cut with her is those random Sundays over at the schools. Once or twice a month, we'd just happen to be over there working at the same time and her room is across the hall from mine. I went over there yesterday to do some work, saw her car there and turned around and came home.

 

 

 

I get the feeling a lot of this started up because I recently became single. As much as I keep my personal life private, people figured out that I wasn't seeing my ex-gf pretty quick after the break up. Her car wasn't at my place anymore, we weren't seen around town together anymore, etc..etc..

[dispatch3d]

How many more track practices are there? I'd probably attend those but I dunno about this overnight trip.

 

It comes off unprofessional I think if you back out. If you tell administration this what do you expect them to do with that information? I really think its a personal gripe that they are best to not stick there nose in....

[Marc878]

Hire or get a fill in girlfriend. I'd go with a big busted red head.

 

It's an uncomfortable spot for you to be in especially when you did nothing wrong. Theses things suck

[Mr. Lucky]

I asked her if there was anything I could do and she unloaded a whole lot of her martial issues. Apparently, her and her husband are discussing divorce and her coaching track is one of the issues.

 

Probably a mistake to get caught in even this degree of involvement, one of the realities of modern life.

 

I'd be tempted to tell your boss (principal?) a short version of what's transpired to this point just to clear any confusion and get out in front of any developments. You haven't done anything wrong but who knows where this could go from here? Best to be proactive...

 

Mr. Lucky

[whichwayisup]

Chances are she's mentioned you to him, maybe too much for his liking, and it's possible she has some feelings for you and he's picked up on that. And if he's heard gossip that something could be going on between you and his wife, that's why he's mistrustful and angry.

 

All you can do is keep things professional and not allow her to discuss her personal with you anymore.

[elaine567]

If it gets too hot, then you may need to consider it may be you who is asked to resign.

They are a married couple and when married couples decide to make trouble it is often the single person who comes off worst.

As the single man here your bosses and the parents may see you as the problem, especially if fired up enough by the husband and the rumour mill.

Do all you can to protect yourself.

I also think a word with your boss is in order, you need to get your version of events into the arena before it all gets out of hand.

[OatsAndHall]

I talked to my principal about it today. I went in and gave him an abridged version of the situation; I didn't make mention of anything she's said to me about the marriage as I feel that'd be a serious breach of confidence. I simply let him know that apparently her husband thinks something is going on, the rumor mill is active but that there's nothing going on.

 

 

 

He told me that he had heard grumblings that there had been marital issues between the two of them (small town gossip at it's finest) but that he hadn't heard my name come up. He told me not to worry about it from a professional standpoint; he'll have my back as long as I keep my distance from the situation. He said that he wasn't going to bring it up with her unless there was an "incident" which I agreed with. He asked me to keep him apprised of the situation and that he would also be keeping an ear out.

 

 

 

I'm not going to resign from the position; I love coaching track and I'm not going to let some big-mouthed rednecks and an irrational husband take that away from me. If it comes down to that, I will have a meeting with her, the union rep and the administration and ask that she resign so that she can handle this crap.

[preraph]

I agree with others that it would be great to bring a woman along some. Also, since you used to be friendly, not sure I wouldn't give him a call (rather than get punched in the nose) and just tell him, Hey, I'm hearing rumors, and I just want you to know there is zero going on between your wife and myself. If you're having problems, it's not about me.

[OatsAndHall]

I agree with others that it would be great to bring a woman along some. Also, since you used to be friendly, not sure I wouldn't give him a call (rather than get punched in the nose) and just tell him, Hey, I'm hearing rumors, and I just want you to know there is zero going on between your wife and myself. If you're having problems, it's not about me.

 

 

Lol... Where I live, a phone call to him wouldn't deter a punch in the nose; it'd invite one. The only way to kill the gossip in this chit hole is to duck and cover; anything else just adds fuel to the flames.

 

 

 

Getting another girlfriend involved really isn't an option at this point as I've taken a job four hours away. I don't start until next school year but I'll be moving out of here as soon as the school year ends.

 

 

 

So, I just need to survive until June. Lol

[OatsAndHall]

Well, it was kind of an uncomfortable weekend as we had several track meets. We chatted a little here and there about track and school but there was certainly tension. Her husband showed up at a track meet and the two of them stayed away from one another but he and I did run into each other at the concession stand and I initiated a basic conversation with him. There wasn't any animosity and we just talked about the NFL draft for about a half hour and went on our way.

 

 

 

So, (hopefully) disaster averted.

[FMW]

Sounds like you've handled everything exactly right, so just keep doing the same. The husband being cordial is a very good sign.

 

I grew up in a small town, always hated that aspect of everyone being in everyone else's business and starting rumors whether there was even a speck of truth to it.

[OatsAndHall]

Sounds like you've handled everything exactly right, so just keep doing the same. The husband being cordial is a very good sign.

 

I grew up in a small town, always hated that aspect of everyone being in everyone else's business and starting rumors whether there was even a speck of truth to it.

 

 

Agreed.

 

 

This is one of the pitfalls of being a hermit in a small town; the locals will make stuff up when you don't give them something to actually gossip about. And, generally speaking, whatever they make up will be some serious "Days Of Our Lives" crap. This has happened a few times in this town and I look forward to being away from it.

 

 

 

But, being a bit reclusive has benefited be in this situation as most people really only know me as the pleasant teacher who keeps to himself. There are people in this community that I cannot stand but they'd never know it because I keep my mouth shut and mind my own business.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Sounds to me as if you've handled this situation well.

 

Not to upset you, but I think it's possible she's had some positive things to say about you to her husband and/or to others.

 

I'm always uncomfortable when a married man begins to tell me about problems with his wife/marriage. I back away.

 

You mentioned she has brought up her marriage problems to you but that you didn't pursue the convo, and that's good!

 

I also think that when you found her crying in her room with the door open it's a possibility this was staged. You mentioned when you walked in she cried even harder. It's very possible she has a crush on you and has talked about you with others, is why the rumor mill is cranking.

 

A young woman I know began an affair this way, by crying at the gym and a guy approaching her to ask what's wrong. Interestingly, SHE was the main problem in her marriage and in her relationships with anyone she gets involved with, male or female. I think there are people who manipulate this way.

 

I'd steer totally clear of her if possible and it seems that's what you're doing anyway, so good luck! Just wanted to comment that she may be fueling the rumors.

[preraph]

Well, it was kind of an uncomfortable weekend as we had several track meets. We chatted a little here and there about track and school but there was certainly tension. Her husband showed up at a track meet and the two of them stayed away from one another but he and I did run into each other at the concession stand and I initiated a basic conversation with him. There wasn't any animosity and we just talked about the NFL draft for about a half hour and went on our way.

 

So, (hopefully) disaster averted.

 

He probably knows how she is so he assesses the situation but then realizes a lot of it is just her. Glad it worked out.

 

Just one little tip. When I used to get hit on mostly at work by married guys, I would act cordial but just speak right up in the middle of them flirting with me and say, How's your wife? or How's Linda doing? I really like her. I would subtly even try to make it sound like I had more contact with their wife than I even did just to make them paranoid about Oh, no, does she TALK to her? It usually worked very well. Stopped them right in their tracks and made them stop flirting.

[preraph]

I think how easy it would be to come into a town like that and turn it on its ear by being just a tiny bit remorseless and NOT keeping anyone's secret and doing whatever you wanted out in the open. They'd probably give you your own show or something.

[OatsAndHall]

@LivingWaterPlease

 

 

She might have been staging it but it certainly seemed like a very real out-pouring of emotion. She's a pleasant and reserved woman who I've noticed keeps a lot bottled up, at least at work. She's the eternal optimist (annoyingly so) but, every once in awhile, her mood will turn foul and she'll snap a little bit. She's been putting on a smile, song and dance for people, things boil over and she kind of loses it. She doesn't have many close friends outside of her family in the area and I'd bet my bottom dollar she wouldn't go to them with her martial problems as they're some of the worst gossips in the area. I think that's how her and I became friends in the first place; I'm easy to talk to and I keep my mouth shut.

 

 

 

@preraph

 

 

It might be a little fun social experiment for a little bit but I've seen the smallest things bite me in the butt, personally and professionally. I was working for the school doing lawn maintenance one summer with a woman who is a notorious gossip. I started to avoid her because some of the rumors she was spreading were absolutely nasty. Toxic individual. But, before that point, we had shared parenting stories as I was a step dad for the better part of six years. I never mentioned my ex-wife; just off-the-cuff stories about my former stepsons that were relatable to what she was talking about.

 

 

 

A few weeks after I shared all of this, I went with a woman that I met at from a town forty five minutes away. We had a couple of great dates and I thought it was going somewhere. But, she called it off and told me that I "wasn't over my ex-wife." I had no clue what the hell she was talking about as I hadn't talked about my ex-wife, at all. I asked her how that that had even come up:

 

 

"Well, please don't make a big deal out of this but I've been friends with Suzy (the gal I was working with) for since high school and she says that you talk about your ex-wife and stepsons at work all the time. I'm just not comfortable with that.."

 

 

I tried to set the record straight by telling her that I had shared stories of my stepsons but that I had never made mention of my ex-wife as I had moved past that a long time ago. It was to no avail; her "friend" has convinced her that I was pining over my ex-wife.

[preraph]

Yes, people do gossip and gossip usually gets it wrong, you're correct.

[LivingWaterPlease]

:

@LivingWaterPlease

 

 

She might have been staging it but it certainly seemed like a very real out-pouring of emotion. She's a pleasant and reserved woman who I've noticed keeps a lot bottled up, at least at work. She's the eternal optimist (annoyingly so) but, every once in awhile, her mood will turn foul and she'll snap a little bit. She's been putting on a smile, song and dance for people, things boil over and she kind of loses it. She doesn't have many close friends outside of her family in the area and I'd bet my bottom dollar she wouldn't go to them with her martial problems as they're some of the worst gossips in the area. I think that's how her and I became friends in the first place; I'm easy to talk to and I keep my mouth shut.

 

This sounds exactly like the woman I posted to you about. She was in our family and she couldn't get along with anyone she got close to, including some of her gfs who ended up distancing her. They were the gfs she'd had for several years who had integrity. She presented very well to those she wasn't close to.

 

The ones who stayed friends with her were the drama queen/gossips like you describe this lady as having. Birds of a feather flock together and that's possibly the reason rumors are flying; she has mentioned stuff to them about you. You have a low opinion of her friends. But, a person is mostly like those they associate with and there's a reason they are her friends.

 

I can almost guarantee you that this woman is not who you think she is. Women like this are so sneaky. Sorry, don't mean to be sexist. If a man's this way then he's sneaky, too!

 

You see her as a reserved and pleasant woman who keeps things bottled up. It's very possible this is how she wants others to see her, a facade. I say this because I've seen this type thing in manipulators. They are often victim types who present in any way they desire to do so. Men sometimes fall for it.

 

I don't know this is what this woman is/is doing, but I do know I've seen this type thing more than once and have watched men fall for it.

 

Also, this woman has shared negative things about her marriage with you. That is not what a pleasant and reserved woman who keeps things bottled up does. A woman (or man who does this with a single woman) who shares relationship issues she's having with her husband with a single man is out-of-line, imo. It's a betrayal to her husband and sometimes a precursor to an affair. She has to know this. And with all the gossip going around when you've done nothing that would encourage it, it's almost certain that she has done things to encourage it. Things you're not aware of.

 

This woman is trouble in her own marriage (not saying her husband is innocent, just that she's part of the problem) and trouble (the gossip) has come into your life because of her, even though you may not see her as being a contributor to the reason folks are gossiping.

 

Anyway, seems you're handling things well and will soon be leaving the area so "All's well that ends well!":)

Edited April 28, 2019 by LivingWaterPlease