d0nnivain Posted December 18, 2018 Share Posted December 18, 2018 I work in a small industry in an even smaller community, where everyone knows everyone. A local colleague recently died under very sad circumstances. he lost a battle with a particularly aggressive cancer. I had only met him a handful of times be he was a good man. He leaves behind a widow & 2 small kids who I have never met. While I was not close to him, I am close to several of the other people in his company all of whom are devastated. Other colleagues from other companies in the area are organizing people into attending the funeral as a group. I can't make any of the viewings & don't really want to interact with the family; other than through sheer #s I have no reason to believe my presence would bring them comfort. If I attend the funeral in the larger group, I can be anonymous & offer sympathies to his close friends. Part of me thinks I should go because I think the kids would benefit from a packed church so close to Christmas. So do I go to the wake or just the funeral? or neither? I will not attend both. Maybe I'll just send a card or make a donation in his name. Is that enough? FWIW, if I was the one who died, I'm sure he would not think twice about not attending my funeral. I think the last time I saw him was at my EX's funeral 12 years ago; they had been fraternity brothers in college. My EX is not my original connection to the deceased; it's just another tie in a small town. Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted December 18, 2018 Share Posted December 18, 2018 If you can conveniently attend with a group of colleagues, do so. I wouldn't arrange special time off, etc. though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author d0nnivain Posted December 18, 2018 Author Share Posted December 18, 2018 The funeral is Saturday morning. No time off needed Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted December 18, 2018 Share Posted December 18, 2018 If you don’t want to go, don’t. You’re certainly under no obligation to attend. Usually I only go to funerals that I have to go to but in this case I don’t think you have to. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 18, 2018 Share Posted December 18, 2018 If you have time just drop by and give your condolences. I'm sure it will mean a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
Author d0nnivain Posted December 18, 2018 Author Share Posted December 18, 2018 If you have time just drop by and give your condolences. I'm sure it will mean a lot. I really don't want to deal with the receiving line. Having been down this road I know it's going to be at least 1 hour waiting. if I just go to the church I can slip into the back, pray & leave. I think I'm talking myself into the services Obviously I would not go to the interment at the cemetery or to the repast afterwards. I think my secretary is going to the wake because she used to work at his company but for another person. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted December 18, 2018 Share Posted December 18, 2018 So do I go to the wake or just the funeral? or neither? I will not attend both. Maybe I'll just send a card or make a donation in his name. Is that enough? I had a business colleague pass away in another state. I didn't want to spend the money to travel, stay in a motel, etc. to attend services. Like you, I really don't think his family would care either way if I was there. I sent a condolence card to his ex-wife, who had 3 minor children (not small, though) and a different condolence card with different wording to his new wife. His obituary mentioned donations being made to a charity (that he was fond of), so I sent $100 check and left it at that. I don't think his kids will care either way if the church is packed or not. They just lost their dad and I think that is the farthest thing on their minds. You are a good person for even thinking of attending, a donation will suffice, in my opinion. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 18, 2018 Share Posted December 18, 2018 Part of me thinks I should go because I think the kids would benefit from a packed church so close to Christmas. Don't think you'll tip the scale one way or the under. With no direct connection, I'd simply send a note with your condolences... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted December 18, 2018 Share Posted December 18, 2018 IMO, you only go to a funeral for the living you know and are close to to offer support to, to show your respect for the dead and offer your condolences to the living... If you have no connection to his family and you don't wish to show your respect for him since you didn't know him that well then just send a card.. A card certainly goes a long way and is not a shortcut... it's a valid way to offer condolences. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author d0nnivain Posted December 19, 2018 Author Share Posted December 19, 2018 The decision got taken out of my hands. The colleague will get a donation. The mother of DH's best friend just died. Her funeral is the same date & time in another town. So we're going to that one. Just another reason why I hate Christmas. Link to post Share on other sites
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