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my former boss doesn't reply when I ask for letters of recommendation


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Let me give you some background information first, before I come to my problem. A couple of years ago I did an internship for six months in the States. I had some troubles at work which probably was due my bad temper and big ego, but due to miscommunication with my boss. We both were quite angry with each, but kind of worked it out - well, we did talk, but I honestly never felt that we had really really addressed the issues. I think the problem was that I had trouble to accept the authority of some people in the workgroup, instead if just keeping my mouth shut, I was arguing with them (ok, I was immature and stupid....).

 

Then something else happened that really made things worse. I had wanted to join an event where my supervisor went. So, I called her and asked her if I could come with her and she said yes. The next day my boss came and told me I couldn't come with them. No explanations, he just told me I should stay at work. I was pissed off. He had told me in the beginning if I wanted to take a day off it wouldn't be a problem, he had traveled a lot and he encouraged me to explore things (I'm not from the States), so I actually didn't understand why he suddenly decided for no reasons that I could not come to this event (I didn't want to take the day off for fun, it was workrelated. Maybe I should mention that this was a research station and I had assumed that you would encourage students to acquire more knowledge and broaden their horizon. That was actually also his attitude.). There was no need for me to stay at work, also my supervisor had not objected to taking me with her, the only reason for not being allowed to join them was because my boss had simply decided that I should not come with them. I thought that was unjust and that he acted quite arbitrary. Things just became really bad between us.

 

Anyway, we finally had a talk someday. He was angry with me and I was angry with him. We settled some things, also we talked about this event. Well, he was angry with me, because instead of calling him and asking for his permission to join them I had asked my supervisor and she had not told him that she was taking me along. I should have asked him directly, while I thought that you stick to the hierarchy and ask the next person above you instead of bothering your boss with these kind of things. Maybe I should have been aware that the relations with my boss had been more amicable than I had thought and that it wouldn't have been a problem to ask him, but well, I didn't.

 

The rest of the internship went by and it was ok, not great, but ok. I think the trust was kind of gone and we were more or less pretty fed up with each other.

 

Back home I asked him if it was possible to get an evaluation (here it's normal to get an evaluation, it's a letter that your employer writes and that you can show to future employers). He said it was not the habit in the States, but he suggested that if I should him a form and send it to him he would fill it out. Ok, honestly, I didn't have much clue about the evaluation stuff and I wasn't really in a hurry to get one, so I really didn't bother that much with it anymore.

 

Now, a couple of years later, I have this problem, I want to go to grad school and I need letters of recommendation (I would ask someone else, but he's working in the field where I'm interested in and he's pretty good). I sent him an email in April and haven't received an answer yet. I forwarded my email in May and still no answer. I mentioned in my the problems we had, that I was aware of the trouble I had caused and I said I would also understand it if he didn't feel like writing a letter of recommendations, but that if he felt he could contribute something positive to my plans I would really appreciate it (I know I caused trouble, but I don't think I'm stupid or anything).

 

I hate to bug people with requests and I try not to push them, so I really tried to keep that email as balanced and amicable as possible. I'm not out to blame him if he doesn't want to write me anything, in fact, I understand it if he is reluctant. Sometimes you ruin a good opportunity and then you have to suck it up and move on. What I do not understand though is this complete lack of an answer. He hasn't replied at all. I know he's usually very busy, but I would also assume that he's professional enough to answer a request for references (I sent it twice). The email address should be valid, I checked it on the internet. I sent an email to my former supervisor and asked her for suggestions (without telling him), but she rarely checks her emails, so I don't know if she got it already.

 

What should I do now? Call him? After sending two emails? What's the usual procedure to get references? Did I do something wrong here? I have no clue about the American conventions in such a case...

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Call him. He may have been deleting your emails because he didn't remember your name. Anything could be happening - the only way to know for sure what's going on is to speak to him directly.

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Honestly, I don't think he would delete them. The subject line was very clear. It would be very unprofessional to delete emails without reading them and I'm sure he's not that kind of person.

 

I don't really want to call him. If he's trying to ignore me, then calling him would make the impression that I'm running after him and pushing him. If he's that unprofessional to avoid answering a simple request for a letter of recommendation, then I would assume that calling him would make him feel really embarrassed. Hell, I'm not out to stalk people. Couldn't he just say that he doesn't want to write it instead of making me guess what's going on.

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soccorsilly

Sounds to me like he does not feel comfortable in giving you a recommendation. When he told you not to go to the event, that was it. He is the boss and he can make that decision--maybe he needed you back at the office, maybe he is having an affair with your supervisor and wanted alone time...it does not matter.

 

But if I had an intern come across like that, I would not be inclined to offer any letters of reccomendation. At most, I would define the dates you worked for the comepany, your starting and departing salary (if any), and your title along with a brief description of your job duties.

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Originally posted by soccorsilly

Sounds to me like he does not feel comfortable in giving you a recommendation. When he told you not to go to the event, that was it. He is the boss and he can make that decision--maybe he needed you back at the office, maybe he is having an affair with your supervisor and wanted alone time...it does not matter.

 

But if I had an intern come across like that, I would not be inclined to offer any letters of reccomendation. At most, I would define the dates you worked for the comepany, your starting and departing salary (if any), and your title along with a brief description of your job duties.

I know for sure that he was angry that I didn't ask him first, but my supervisor. And her mistake was to give me permission to come with her without asking him. There was no affair, etc. going on.

 

I just don't understand why he can't tell me this. Why does he not say that he doesn't want to write a letter of recommendation? I have no problem with someone refusing a request, but now I have to wonder if he got my email, if I should call him, etc. What's the point in not answering?

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A Fly onThe Wall

I don't think he wants to write one ..

 

Maybe he doesn't want to have to lie to give a good evaluation.

 

His opinion of you might have been worse that you believe.

 

If I had an intern that had caused issues with anger and fought me at almost every turn I'll be damned if they would get a good evaluation from me.

 

Would you really want a eval from someone that you know will not write good things about you ?

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Originally posted by A Fly onThe Wall

I don't think he wants to write one ..

 

Maybe he doesn't want to have to lie to give a good evaluation.

 

His opinion of you might have been worse that you believe.

 

If I had an intern that had caused issues with anger and fought me at almost every turn I'll be damned if they would get a good evaluation from me.

 

Would you really want a eval from someone that you know will not write good things about you ?

Of course not, and that's why I told him I would understand it if he didn't want to write one. If he has such a bad opinion of me, it's ok, I just don't understand why he's not able to come clear with me. With respect, he also knows he wasn't always fair and he did cause problems by jumping to conclusions. I think my part in creating the problems was bigger, but it's not as if he was always fair either. During the talk I got accused of things that I did not do and later it turned out they were not my fault.

 

As I said, if you don't feel able to write a good evaluation, what's the problem in simply writing a short answer back?

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A Fly onThe Wall
Originally posted by Aimée

Of course not, and that's why I told him I would understand it if he didn't want to write one. If he has such a bad opinion of me, it's ok, I just don't understand why he's not able to come clear with me. With respect, he also knows he wasn't always fair and he did cause problems by jumping to conclusions. I think my part in creating the problems was bigger, but it's not as if he was always fair either. During the talk I got accused of things that I did not do and later it turned out they were not my fault.

 

As I said, if you don't feel able to write a good evaluation, what's the problem in simply writing a short answer back?

 

You are right that he should write back to you but maybe he feels that is beneath him.

 

Some bosses have a holier than thou attitude and maybe that is where it is coming from .

 

You mentioned he caused the problems also.. But he was the boss and he most likely has the attitude that he is the boss

and he doesn't have to admit to what he did wrong. Not a good attitude to have but sometimes they can act like that

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A fact of life is that people tend to treat those from whom they don't want anything (in addition to not particularly liking them) poorly. Let's say you had an extra pencil before an exam and a classmate you weren't fond of asked the room for one. Would you give it to her? Most people wouldn't.

 

Just accept that he's not going to help you unless you are extremely pushy, then decide if you are willing to be that pushy. However, trying to figure out why he's treating you that way, beyond the fact that he doesn't want anything from you and doesn't like you, is a waste of time.

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Originally posted by scratch

A fact of life is that people tend to treat those from whom they don't want anything (in addition to not particularly liking them) poorly. Let's say you had an extra pencil before an exam and a classmate you weren't fond of asked the room for one. Would you give it to her? Most people wouldn't.

 

Just accept that he's not going to help you unless you are extremely pushy, then decide if you are willing to be that pushy. However, trying to figure out why he's treating you that way, beyond the fact that he doesn't want anything from you and doesn't like you, is a waste of time.

He's not the kind of person who looks at people as pawns for his own plans or judges their value by their usefulness for himself. He worked hard to get where he is and I doubt that he's someone who would suddenly turn into a slave driver himself. He's a well-traveled, open-minded person and he offered me a great opportunity that I unfortunately had f*cked up. The last emails I got from him ended amicably, wishing me the best, etc.

 

When I left he invited our workgroup for lunch. He also drove me to the airport and I got a hug when I left. Was this just some superficial American nicety or could I interpret it as we were ok? Or should I rather assume he was just trying to cover up his ressentments for me?

 

Concerning the pencil, I think most people probably would be polite enough to borrow their pencil even if they didn't like that person. Also nobody really wants to look like such a petty-minded revengeful person.

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Originally posted by Aimée

He's not the kind of person who looks at people as pawns for his own plans or judges their value by their usefulness for himself. He worked hard to get where he is and I doubt that he's someone who would suddenly turn into a slave driver himself. He's a well-traveled, open-minded person and he offered me a great opportunity that I unfortunately had f*cked up. The last emails I got from him ended amicably, wishing me the best, etc.

 

There is a difference between being evil and simply possessing base human instincts.

 

Originally posted by Aimée

When I left he invited our workgroup for lunch. He also drove me to the airport and I got a hug when I left. Was this just some superficial American nicety or could I interpret it as we were ok? Or should I rather assume he was just trying to cover up his ressentments for me?

 

He was probably just taking the path of least resistance. The overwhelming majority of niceties between coworkers are superficial, another fact of life.

 

Originally posted by Aimée

Concerning the pencil, I think most people probably would be polite enough to borrow their pencil even if they didn't like that person. Also nobody really wants to look like such a petty-minded revengeful person.

 

Avoiding the appearance of being petty is exactly why I crafted my example the way I did. When a person can hurt someone they dislike by remaining passive, it is a lot more appealing than hurting them actively for that very reason.

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Ok, you guys just confirmed what I had suspected.... And thanks to everybody for your answers. :)

 

Nonetheless, I'd still like to hear more opinions. :)

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HokeyReligions
Originally posted by Aimée

The last emails I got from him ended amicably, wishing me the best, etc.

 

Do you still have those emails? They might suffice. Include a phone number for the Human Resources person so that your future employers can verify employment.

 

I kept a couple of good emails from a former boss of mine - who I later had a falling out with -- and I use those and they have been well received. In fact, I just got a call from that company in another department because they remembered the good stuff and were in my corner when I quit because of the bad stuff.

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Originally posted by HokeyReligions

Do you still have those emails? They might suffice. Include a phone number for the Human Resources person so that your future employers can verify employment.

 

I kept a couple of good emails from a former boss of mine - who I later had a falling out with -- and I use those and they have been well received. In fact, I just got a call from that company in another department because they remembered the good stuff and were in my corner when I quit because of the bad stuff.

That's actually good idea with the emails, but they were quite brief and also I need letters of recommendation for gradschool, emails won't be good enough.

 

Out of curiosity, did they never ask you about more recent references from your former employer?

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He could be dead. He could be in hospital. You could be using an email that's now invalid but doesn't send any messages to say so. You won't know what's going on unless you call. He has breached etiquette by not answering (if he's not dead) so there's nothing wrong with you making a follow-up call to check to see if he got your messages.

 

Assumption makes asses out of us all. Don't assume or second guess. Find out. If it bothers you that much to call him, call the company and ask if you have the correct address and phone number for him. You don't have to say who's calling.

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Originally posted by Outcast

He could be dead. He could be in hospital. You could be using an email that's now invalid but doesn't send any messages to say so. You won't know what's going on unless you call. He has breached etiquette by not answering (if he's not dead) so there's nothing wrong with you making a follow-up call to check to see if he got your messages.

 

Assumption makes asses out of us all. Don't assume or second guess. Find out. If it bothers you that much to call him, call the company and ask if you have the correct address and phone number for him. You don't have to say who's calling.

I don't want to call him......... :( I'm a chicken. I don't think he will write me this damn letter of recommendation. I hate this feeling of rejection and I'm not even a guy.... I feel like a complete wussy for having to run after him!

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