Uncomfortable situation at work

[Mystyry]

I have recently started a new job, which was a welcome change for me. Everything is going well so far, except one really annoying thing. One of my group colleagues keeps staring at me when in one-on-one scenarios, stares at my chest, my legs, just everything. It makes me very uncomfortable. I am a very conservative dresser, do not even wear skirts to work as I work in a technical field, requiring full skin coverage, so there is nothing provocative there. This is a very professional environment we work in, so it is highly unusual for this to be happening.

 

I wonder if anyone had that happen and if you have any advice on how to handle it. I am a junior person at this particular company and he is a very respected senior colleague (senior to me by about 20 years). I have worked there only a matter of weeks too.

 

I try to avoid being 1:1 with him whenever I can, but sometimes it can’t be avoided: my boss asks me to have a meeting with him for example. My only recourse I can think of is to have a conversation with this colleague and tell him he makes me feel uncomfortable and should stop. Any thoughts? Thanks in advance.

[Mr. Lucky]

My only recourse I can think of is to have a conversation with this colleague and tell him he makes me feel uncomfortable and should stop. Any thoughts? Thanks in advance.

 

I'd wait a few more weeks as one of many things might happen. He may simply lose interest. You might determine he (awkwardly) looks at everyone this way, at least all women. Or his behavior might escalate, requiring third-party involvement.

 

Any other women there you can ask if they've noticed the same thing?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mystyry]

Any other women there you can ask if they've noticed the same thing?

 

Thanks for the response. I thought about asking other women, and there are several who work with him closely, but none that I know well enough to know they will keep it in confidence. If they don’t, then it may become a complaint without me filing one. I don’t have enough time at this company yet to have personally observed him interacting with other women, so maybe that’s something to wait and see for as you suggest.

[Estes]

Be direct next time he's staring. Return the eye contact and then firmly say "What are you looking at?!".

 

 

That should help.

[stillafool]

I agree with being firm when you return his glare and ask "What are you looking at?" and make sure you have a straight face when you ask. That should put him in his place. I swear with all that is going on with the MeToo movement you would think these idiots would be too scared to even look at a woman.

[preraph]

In a situation where maybe there's a group around talking, I would say politely, eyebrows raised inquisitively, no smile, "Stan, did you need something?" He'll say "huh?" or "oh. No." Then, "Oh, okay. I thought you were trying to get my attention."

 

What you've done there is you've busted him out loud without acting like he's sexually harassing you, but you've made clear if you see him staring, you'll be assuming he has some nobler reason. You'll also gain the admiration of the other women in the office who know his shenanigans and will see you are not going along.

 

Or if it's a casual situation, "Whatcha need, Stan?" Put him on the spot. Let him know you noticed and are offering business solutions.

 

Don't keep his secret. That's what they're looking for, someone who won't say anything to them or anyone else. But you don't have to make an accusation to reposition yourself.

[Mr. Lucky]

In a situation where maybe there's a group around talking, I would say politely, eyebrows raised inquisitively, no smile, "Stan, did you need something?" He'll say "huh?" or "oh. No." Then, "Oh, okay. I thought you were trying to get my attention."

 

What you've done there is you've busted him out loud without acting like he's sexually harassing you, but you've made clear if you see him staring, you'll be assuming he has some nobler reason. You'll also gain the admiration of the other women in the office who know his shenanigans and will see you are not going along.

 

Or if it's a casual situation, "Whatcha need, Stan?" Put him on the spot. Let him know you noticed and are offering business solutions.

 

Don't keep his secret. That's what they're looking for, someone who won't say anything to them or anyone else. But you don't have to make an accusation to reposition yourself.

 

Certainly a tactful and effective way to address the unwanted attention...

 

Mr. Lucky

[stillafool]

Yes Preraph that is PERFECT!

[Mystyry]

Thanks all, these are very helpful.

 

Yes, this person at my work is definitely not afraid or uncomfortable. I really do want to say something, but hesitating as I am new in the environment. But preraph’s suggestion is a great way to do this without escalating the issue.

[LuckyM]

They might not be aware fully they are looking right at you or staring. Maybe you are so attractive to them, they can't help it. I have done this when I was bored.

 

 

I recall one woman said to guys who were looking at her chest: "I'm up here". It's not so blunt, try it.

[Zapbasket]

Thanks all, these are very helpful.

 

Yes, this person at my work is definitely not afraid or uncomfortable. I really do want to say something, but hesitating as I am new in the environment. But preraph’s suggestion is a great way to do this without escalating the issue.

 

Preraph's advice is OUTSTANDING. Definitely try that. DO be careful about reporting it, and don't if you can nip it in the bud using preraph's method. We still live in an era when there's a chance of being labeled a problem employee for logging a complaint about a male employee. Sure, HR will go through the motions because they don't want to be sued, but somewhere or other you'll run into a problem.

 

I had a problem with a fellow employee who wouldn't take "no" for an answer when he asked me on a date. His office was next to mine and twice he got me after work, wanting to know why I wouldn't date him and then wanting a long discussion about it. I capitulated once. The second time I told him he needs to drop the subject and give me some space. He then sent me a long, whining, lawyer-isn email that night. The next day at work I told him he needs to stay away from me or I would formally log a complaint against him with HR. I didn't go to HR, but I did pull my boss and his boss aside to tell them I'd had this problem with this employee and had told him if he does not leave me alone, I will be logging a formal complaint against him. I thought that way he could receive some cautionary coaching from his boss and I could win the support of my boss if this did escalate.

 

He stayed away from then on, and all seemed fine, until I applied for a position with his department. Within ten minutes of submitting the application through Taleo, I received a rejection email from the department boss, with all the rest the department cc'd. I asked for a meeting with this boss for feedback on why I was obviously not even considered one second for this position. And what did she say, "Well, we knew you had a problem with [the persistent employee], so we didn't think you'd want to work so closely with him." I about blew a gasket, silently, in my head. If I'd gotten her to tell me the same thing in writing or I'd recorded her to prove she said it, I'd have threatened to sue.

 

Just be careful. If you can take care of it yourself, do so. No doubt if he's doing it to you, he has done it to others, and by keeping your head down while ingeniously calling him out as preraph suggests, you may find some allies coming out of the woodwork who know JUST what you are going through.

 

Good luck.