How do you effectively deal with nerves?

[purplesoccer34]

I work at a place I genuinely like and enjoy. The work is fun and interesting, and I really like my coworkers. All of this makes me excited to get up and go to work in the morning, which I'm grateful for.

 

However, I've recently developed a friendship with a particular coworker who for some reason makes me incredibly nervous. I'm not sure why--he's an extremely kind and helpful person, and I really enjoy talking to him. We don't directly work together on a daily basis, but we do work on the same project, and occasionally we'll be at the same meetings. Any time I know I'm going to be at the same meeting as him, I get incredibly nervous to the point where I feel sick and panicky, and I'm honestly shaking. I think I've learned to successfully maintain a calm exterior, but at these meetings, I avoid saying anything for fear of looking like a fool in front of him. I'm a totally different person when he's not there however--I'm generally not afraid to ask questions and state my opinions during meetings.

 

Recently, I was asked to be a part of an exciting opportunity but I declined it just because this particular coworker was going to lead the project. I declined it out of fear of looking like a fool in front of him. I felt so guilty after that, and I knew it was not a smart decision. But somehow I knew I wouldn't be able to control my nerves around him. I know I'm going to have to work with him at some point in the future though, and I don't know how I'm going to handle it. My issue seems to go beyond just simple nerves--I become full-blown anxious in his presence, and find myself unable to even speak.

 

At first I thought I might have some serious feelings for this guy, but I don't really think that's it. I think I just care a lot about his opinion of me, and I want to overcome that. I do know that he enjoys my company--he always asks to me to get lunch or coffee with him, and whenever we have social events at work, he urges me to attend. He also seems to care a lot about my success--he always asks how I'm doing, and if there's anything he can help with.

 

I don't have much of an issue being myself around him when we're not at work. In fact, I love talking to him when we're not in a work environment, but at work I somehow feel this intense pressure to impress him and that always backfires. Is there anything I can do to overcome this sort of anxiety?

Edited August 5, 2018 by purplesoccer34

[Mr. Lucky]

At first I thought I might have some serious feelings for this guy, but I don't really think that's it. I think I just care a lot about his opinion of me

 

To a certain extent, isn't that the same thing ???

 

What is his relationship status? What is yours?

 

It would seem you at least are starting to form a crush on him. As a service to you, here's the standard disclaimer as to why you shouldn't get involved with someone at work:

 

Blah blah difficult blah blah awkward blah blah embarrassing blah blah bitter blah blah avoid blah blah gossip blah blah secrets blah blah human resources blah blah termination.

 

Any questions?

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited August 5, 2018 by Mr. Lucky

[purplesoccer34]

To a certain extent, isn't that the same thing ???

 

What is his relationship status? What is yours?

 

It would seem you at least are starting to form a crush on him. As a service to you, here's the standard disclaimer as to why you shouldn't get involved with someone at work:

 

Blah blah difficult blah blah awkward blah blah embarrassing blah blah bitter blah blah avoid blah blah gossip blah blah secrets blah blah human resources blah blah termination.

 

Any questions?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

We're both single, but I don't have any desire to get involved with him romantically. I'm just looking for a way to deal with these nervous feelings so I can calm down a bit during meetings and just be myself. I'd be perfectly content just avoiding him, but that's not always a possibility.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Honestly, I'm wondering if something about him is a trigger for you? By that I mean something from your past. A look, smell, behavior or something else.

 

I'm not sure it is romantic feelings either, but something deeper. Can you think of anything from your past that you might relate to him? A person, experience or feeling you might have had. It could be anything.

 

I think exploring that might be the best starting point because it is clear that this is going to get in the way of your career otherwise. If necessary, talk to a qualified therapist and see if they can help you get to the bottom of it.

 

I hope you are able to figure this out. Anxiety is awful and has a bad habit of spreading to other parts of your life too.

 

Good luck.

[purplesoccer34]

Honestly, I'm wondering if something about him is a trigger for you? By that I mean something from your past. A look, smell, behavior or something else.

 

I'm not sure it is romantic feelings either, but something deeper. Can you think of anything from your past that you might relate to him? A person, experience or feeling you might have had. It could be anything.

 

I think exploring that might be the best starting point because it is clear that this is going to get in the way of your career otherwise. If necessary, talk to a qualified therapist and see if they can help you get to the bottom of it.

 

I hope you are able to figure this out. Anxiety is awful and has a bad habit of spreading to other parts of your life too.

 

Good luck.

 

This thought did cross my mind. When I first met him, he somehow seemed very familiar to me, even though we had never met previously. I can't quite figure out why he seemed so familiar--he doesn't exactly resemble anyone I know personally, at least not that I am aware of. But I suppose it's something to think about. Thanks for the input.

 

It also doesn't help much that he stops by my desk a lot during the work day just to talk. I wish I could just act normally.

[preraph]

I could be wrong but I think what's going off is your instinct that he's about to cross some boundary. And usually when your instincts are going off there right.

I think it's really important that you don't let him cross any boundaries with you. Decline invitations to be alone with him when possible to send a message.

 

if there's something going on and you have a crush on him you need to be honest with yourself, but you still need to maintain boundaries and do not show it.

[d0nnivain]

You deal with work performance nerves by being extra prepared with redundant back ups, employing a "fake it 'til you make it" / "never let 'em see you sweat" attitude and doing some deep breathing / mindfulness exercises.

[alphamale]

consult a shrink and see what he says

[UpwardForward]

Stay Focused.

 

This is your job, your employment. Give It your all.

 

Think of him as just your co-worker. Not as a potential suitor - or perfect person.