Leave of absence, quit job, or tough it out?

[major_merrick]

I'm about 7 months pregnant, and I'm having a really hard time continuing to work. I don't love my job, but I don't dislike it either. I like earning my own money, and I like having something to do outside the house, but I'm not sure it is worth it. I have twelve weeks of medical leave that I'm eligible for, as well as some paid vacation time before the end of the year. I'm also able to take a personal unpaid leave of absence. If I stop working in mid-August, I would be able to take the last month and a half of my pregnancy off, and start work again in the new year.

 

Part of me wants to stay home and raise my child. I'm financially well-off. My husband makes an excellent living, we have no debts, my GF#1 (we aren't monogamous) works from home, and I have plenty of income saved from the sale of a home I used to own. All that is in favor of quitting. My husband has said that he supports whatever I want to do...we are good no matter what.

 

On the other hand, if I quit my job and stay home, I know I won't be able to get my career back - I'm tied to my location and I just won't be able to find something as good as what I have now. If I stop work temporarily I will have time to decide, but if I quit, I lose that and can never get it back. There's also the idea that I could start something in the way of a business on my own later on with the money I've saved, or work at our family business that I'm not currently involved in. Since we aren't monogamous, I have childcare already taken care of since we have a partner who stays home.

 

Behind all of this is the fact that I'm absolutely exhausted. Pregnancy has been the most draining experience of my life. I have zero energy to get up in the morning and go to work. In spite of that, I'd like to have more children if I can (although I'm not sure I will be able to). I work in a male-dominated technical field, so if I end up pregnant again I'm not sure I will be very welcome in the workplace if I have to have others taking over my duties. I already feel like I'm putting everybody out if I take a leave of absence and have my child...I hate missing work and I've had to miss so many days already due to medical issues and simply feeling sick.

 

I have no idea what to do at this point, and I'm going to have to make this decision in the next 2-3 weeks.

[Happy Lemming]

Can you talk to your HR department and feel them out about this "unpaid leave of absence"?? Ask them about how the unpaid leave figures into the Family Medical Leave Act?? Tell them it is your intention to come back to work after the baby is born. You can always change your mind, down the road, but for now, convince them you want to come back to work after you give birth. Have a calendar handy and see how it all shakes out.

 

I wouldn't mention a second child to HR or anyone else at your company. Cross that bridge when you get to it.

 

Just my opinion!!

[UpwardForward]

The fact that you like your job and are afraid of losing it, means to me they have also been nice to you.

 

I would tell them you wish to leave asap, and offer to train the replacement on your position (if position is filled in a timely manner). Who knows .. perhaps it may not work out and your job could still be available some time down the line.

 

Follow your instincts. Leave your job asap, relax, and deliver a 9 month baby.

 

I think one of the hardest things for new mothers, is having to leave their new baby, and to return to work. Take the luxury of raising your child, since you can afford to.

 

And yes, your own business may be a good future option.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have no idea what to do at this point, and I'm going to have to make this decision in the next 2-3 weeks.

 

I'd tough it out as much as you can up to the delivery date, exercising the normal medical cautions. You're departure isn't a surprise so covering your duties and finding a replacement is on them, not you. They've had months to prepare.

 

Once your child is born, the simple truth is that no one will love him/her as much as you do and provide the corresponding level of care, nurturing and development. If you can afford it, there's no greater experience than having that one-on-one time as your child grows. With each of our kids, we worked through the challenges and my wife stayed home with them until they started school.

 

Your career will still be there when you're ready to resume it. That which lies ahead of you with your child only comes once, don't let it pass you by...

 

Mr. Lucky

[major_merrick]

It is true, my job has been good to me. And it is hard to obtain in the area where I live. My husband actually helped me get it when we were still friends/exes. He did some contract work for the company before he changed his line of work, and introduced me to the manager when I moved to the area.

 

Unfortunately, the further into my pregnancy I get, the more tired and sick I feel. It isn't getting better, and I feel like I'll be pretty useless during my last month. I've already planned that I'm going to have to stop work no later than the end of next month, preferably sooner, and I've made my boss aware of that. Getting up in the morning is nearly impossible, and I run out of energy just after lunch. Thankfully, my GF#1 is in the habit of driving me to and from work, because at this point I just wouldn't feel up to it.

 

I think the big reason I fear not being able to work again is that work is how I get away from domestic life. I'm not good at being the "chief cook and bottle washer," and I'm not particularly nurturing or motherly. My husband's Wife #1 fills that role well, and next to her I feel pretty inadequate at most everything in the home. If I go back to work, I miss out on opportunities in raising my child. If I don't go back to work, I might be stuck.

[Mr. Lucky]

If I don't go back to work, I might be stuck.

 

Post again in six months - I'm guessing you'll feel differently ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[UpwardForward]

If you're tired and sick now, I don't know how you think you will make it until the end of August.

 

For the sake of yourself and your baby, I still think you should leave your job as soon as possible.

 

Find out how you feel after your baby is born - in reference to returning to work.

[UpwardForward]

If you're tired and sick now, I don't know how you think you will make it until the end of August.

 

For the sake of yourself and your baby, I still think you should leave your job as soon as possible.

 

Find out how you feel after your baby is born - in reference to returning to work.

 

P.S. I had my babies in August .. 1 month early. One never knows if a baby might arrive early - due to circumstances.

[Eternal Sunshine]

It is true, my job has been good to me. And it is hard to obtain in the area where I live. My husband actually helped me get it when we were still friends/exes. He did some contract work for the company before he changed his line of work, and introduced me to the manager when I moved to the area.

 

Unfortunately, the further into my pregnancy I get, the more tired and sick I feel. It isn't getting better, and I feel like I'll be pretty useless during my last month. I've already planned that I'm going to have to stop work no later than the end of next month, preferably sooner, and I've made my boss aware of that. Getting up in the morning is nearly impossible, and I run out of energy just after lunch. Thankfully, my GF#1 is in the habit of driving me to and from work, because at this point I just wouldn't feel up to it.

 

I think the big reason I fear not being able to work again is that work is how I get away from domestic life. I'm not good at being the "chief cook and bottle washer," and I'm not particularly nurturing or motherly. My husband's Wife #1 fills that role well, and next to her I feel pretty inadequate at most everything in the home. If I go back to work, I miss out on opportunities in raising my child. If I don't go back to work, I might be stuck.

 

So if you want to get away from domestic life, I don’t get why you would want to have children. Domestic chores are at least 90% of raising a child, probably more. Even if you get help, it’s all changing nappies, warming bottles, endless screaming, cleaning messes and exhaustion.

[major_merrick]

So if you want to get away from domestic life, I don’t get why you would want to have children. Domestic chores are at least 90% of raising a child, probably more. Even if you get help, it’s all changing nappies, warming bottles, endless screaming, cleaning messes and exhaustion.

 

I'm no stranger to whining, screaming, messy children. I raised my sister and my husband has kids, but I've just never had one of my own. I guess I don't mind the domestic chores, but to have that be the total nature of my life? I thing I would go crazy.

 

I told my boss today that I'm giving it another three weeks, and then I'm taking my leave. I guess I can decide whether or not to totally quit after I have my child.

[major_merrick]

It has been eight weeks since I gave birth, and I'm returning to work a bit earlier than planned due to some conflict at home with one of the women I live with. But now, there's another wrinkle in my plans. I'm pregnant again. This means that in about 8.5-ish months I will have to take leave again. I'm not sure this will make me popular at work.

 

I love my new daughter, and I'm excited at the thought of having another child. Seriously contemplating being a stay-at-home mom, but I also like having a job. It doesn't seem like a good idea to stay working, though, if I'm going to be getting pregnant every year or two. Am I going to have to choose?

[Happy Lemming]

It doesn't seem like a good idea to stay working, though, if I'm going to be getting pregnant every year or two.

 

How many children do you and your husband plan on having??

[major_merrick]

How many children do you and your husband plan on having??

 

 

Well....I had been thinking I'd like two or three. Until this happened I wasn't sure I'd even have more than one due to fertility issues. But, I'm rethinking that now given this surprise. My husband has several children with a couple of other partners, so it isn't like he "needs" to fill the house. However, his view is based on the idea of "whatever God provides." I'm starting to lean in this direction too. I know this much - if I'm able to have a second child successfully, I'll want to have at least one more. By that time I'll be in my mid-30's, so going beyond that is uncertain and depends on my health.

[guest569]

I don't think you should feel too badly about what they think of you at work, as this entitlement is there for a reason and it's not like you're planning to have 5 or 10 kids. Do what's best for you. Stuff it if they don't like it. Nothing they can do or say as it would be discriminatory. And they're getting another 8.5 months from you which is great. That's just me anyhow. Women have enough disadvantage.

[guest569]

So after seeing discriminatory attitudes towards pregnant peeps I get where you're coming from. But especially given that it's unpaid leave I don't think they will make a huge deal about it. Are they a nice bunch?

[major_merrick]

I'm starting week #4 after returning to work. I actually returned a bit early due to some issues at home, but now I regret it. I mean, I REALLY regret it!

 

It isn't that there's anything wrong with my job. People were glad I was back, and the work is OK. But after staying home and having my child, I guess I got used to it. I miss my family so much during the day! It actually makes me depressed by mid-morning and makes it hard to function. I feel so relieved when I can get home at the end of the day. If all goes well, my next child is due in July, so I'm thinking that by June I'll have to stop working again. This time, I may just make it a permanent change, or find something part-time to do if I don't go crazy first.

 

Any other new moms go through this? If so, did you get used to working again after a while?

[snowcones]

I was a new mom years ago, but I definitely felt this after going back to work. It's totally normal. Now that I am done raising kids, I can say this: it's all hard. Being a working mom is hard and being a stay-at-home mom is hard too. I've been both. When you're a work, you want to be home with the baby; when you're staying home mom, you wish you had a job to get away sometimes. None of it is easy. With my first born, I stayed at home with them until they were 5 months old, I think, then I went back to work and lasted until they were 2 yo and had a febrile seizure from getting sick at daycare too much. That day was the day I quit work and stayed at home with them for many many years after that. Again, I'm not gonna lie, that was hard but I'm grateful that I got to do it. You'll go crazy at home too. I went back to work once they were old enough to drive and I enjoyed the feeling of being back out there in the working world, but my kids didn't need me as much anymore and I felt no guilt or conflict by that time.

[Els]

I was a new mom years ago, but I definitely felt this after going back to work. It's totally normal. Now that I am done raising kids, I can say this: it's all hard. Being a working mom is hard and being a stay-at-home mom is hard too. I've been both. When you're a work, you want to be home with the baby; when you're staying home mom, you wish you had a job to get away sometimes. None of it is easy. With my first born, I stayed at home with them until they were 5 months old, I think, then I went back to work and lasted until they were 2 yo and had a febrile seizure from getting sick at daycare too much. That day was the day I quit work and stayed at home with them for many many years after that. Again, I'm not gonna lie, that was hard but I'm grateful that I got to do it. You'll go crazy at home too. I went back to work once they were old enough to drive and I enjoyed the feeling of being back out there in the working world, but my kids didn't need me as much anymore and I felt no guilt or conflict by that time.

 

 

A few of my friends who worked part-time have mentioned that they found that to be the best balance. You get some "career time" so you don't go crazy being a full-time mom, but you don't have to spend the majority of the day away from your family either.

 

 

That's not always an option depending on the career, though.

[major_merrick]

A few of my friends who worked part-time have mentioned that they found that to be the best balance. You get some "career time" so you don't go crazy being a full-time mom, but you don't have to spend the majority of the day away from your family either.

 

 

That's not always an option depending on the career, though.

 

 

I'm not sure what opportunities for part time work there might be. I did have an interesting conversation with my boss today, though.

We have a chat about our job twice a year...sort of a performance review thing. He was also handing out our Christmas bonuses. He mentioned that since I've come back, I seem less into my work than usual, and asked me if things were okay. I told him how I feel, and mentioned that family comes first in my life even though I like working and came back early. He was very understanding, which surprised me. First, he admitted that as a man, it is impossible for him to walk in my shoes. He just said that if I find my job gets to be too much, to talk with him more before thinking of quitting. He wants to keep me involved, and there may be different opportunities with different schedules that could allow me more time at home.

 

Overall, I think the conversation was positive, and I feel like I have a bit of breathing room.

[Happy Lemming]

He just said that if I find my job gets to be too much, to talk with him more before thinking of quitting. He wants to keep me involved, and there may be different opportunities with different schedules that could allow me more time at home.

 

Can you work from home?? I did that for about 6 years and I really enjoyed it.

[major_merrick]

Last week I fell at work and struck my head on a metal counter....the second significant injury I've had on the job in two years. Between pregnancy, high blood pressure and a concussion, my days of being around machinery are over.

 

I am going to end up changing my job role and doing most of my work on the computer from home. I am totally uncertain how it is going to go, and I am going to have a series of conversations about my role with my boss as we transition. I'm not really happy about this change, but it will be a necessary step and I will have more family time.

 

Any advice on making the switch? I'm used to being away from home during the day and in control of my part of the world, and all of a sudden that is gone.

[Happy Lemming]

Can you set up one room that is just an office, nothing else in there. No distractions, etc.

 

When I worked from home, I utilized one bedroom as an office. Nothing in there but paperwork, computers and printers (NO TV). I needed a physical barrier of walls and a door to separate work from pleasure. When I went in that room I was at work, put my work hat on and did work.

 

It worked for me...

[major_merrick]

I would love to have an office room. My GF#1 also needs that kind of space. She has a corner, or a lot of time she sits in bed on her computer, but she doesn't have the office that we had back in our old house. We have a big family, so even though our house is large we don't have an extra room right now. My husband has an office, but we aren't allowed except in extreme circumstances. It is a tiny, uncomfortable place anyways...not what I'd want to use.

 

At one point, I was in the process of purchasing a small, cheap, one bedroom house close to where I work. I was thinking of it as an office for my GF#1, and a place for me to retreat and have lunch. I didn't go through with it, but now I wish that I had. Like you, I need a physical barrier and a way of "going" to work or I won't get much done. GF#1 just puts on headphones and that's her barrier, along with a cranky "don't talk to me" attitude. That doesn't work for me because I can't listen to music and work at the same time.

 

I'll still be going to the office some of the time, but it won't be every day. Maybe one or two days a week, I think. I won't even be working at home full time either - not enough to do. My pay is getting cut down, but I was planning on that at some point anyway. There's just something about transition that I dislike

[Happy Lemming]

What about a "She Shed" in the back yard?? They have kits where you can build it yourself or buy it pre-built and they assemble it in the back yard. I imagine you could run electric to it for heat/air conditioning.

 

Is there room in the back yard for a "She Shed"??

[major_merrick]

What about a "She Shed" in the back yard?? They have kits where you can build it yourself or buy it pre-built and they assemble it in the back yard. I imagine you could run electric to it for heat/air conditioning.

 

Is there room in the back yard for a "She Shed"??

 

 

We've got plenty of space outside, but I just don't want to ask for anything. I feel guilty doing it, because I know my husband will go way above and beyond. If I want a 10ft by 12 ft room, he will probably double it. When I mentioned that I was going to miss my bathroom at my house when I moved into his, he totally remodeled the master bathroom as a replica of mine, but with improvements I had mentioned. I had no idea until our wedding night! So if I mention an office, there'll probably be a delivery truck full of materials in the driveway in a few days and a massive project going on.... I don't want to be a bother.