Another professor/student story... , ? :

[Elisa94]

Hey. My name's Elisa. I'm from Mexico. I have a question about a professor of mine, about his behaviour. I'm 22, and my professor is 20 years my senior. Anyways, that's not the matter that I want to discuss here!

 

Last year he taught me a subject in the second semester. I never saw him before at university campus. As I was very interested in his class I'd stay some more time with a friend to ask him stuff about it.

 

Later I wrote to him a mail with personal content, for I found he could help me with some academic crises I was having. He was really open and replied me with personal experiences in order to help me. He's objectively a very good professor.

 

During vacations, for certain reasons I went to university every day, and casually found him on my way or so. He saluted me saying "Hi Elisa!".

 

This year I went to visit him to his office once or twice. We have very similar interests in books, politics, cinema, music that many people around us don't share, so it's really a pleasure to talk with him.

First time we had a somewhat long talk that never happened before.

 

I'd visit him once a week usually. I don't remember after how many visits he saluted me with cheek-kiss. That happened in front of the secretary. She had a face of amazement.

 

Sometimes I find him after class is over, so we talk a bit. It's weird in front of others he barely speaks and he doesn't cheek-kiss me. Once it was so obvious that he saw me and his "instinct" was to get near me so we could cheek-kiss... But there was a student of his next to us, he realised that and he instantly stepped back.

 

Last day I went to visit him (because of holidays I didn't see him for maybe three weeks) and when I entered his office be turned towards me still seated in his chair in position for cheek-kissing. I got near and responded to his "insinuation" (don't take the term as something morally bad). We had a nice somewhat long talk. I noticed something: he usually looks directly in the eye to people when he talks, he did the same for the whole semester that he was my professor, and for other two months maybe. I didn't stand his look too much before, but later I'd stand it. I also looked at him into the eyes and he looked away after some seconds (he was now the one who didn't stand looking into my eyes). This last day I noticed something else, he now doesn't even stand my look for about 3-4 seconds (it's not an exact quantity, for sure, but something similar possibly). When I said I was about to go and stood up to do so, he immediately did the same and touched my right arm in order to cheek-kiss me to say goodbye. I instinctively did the same (touched his left arm) as we kissed (in the cheek) but when our hands were turning back to our sides we touched our hands lightly, and the fingers of my hand were curved (as if I was going to receive something in the palm of my hand) and his fingers and mine were stuck for milliseconds. It was an accident, so I didn't give it importance, hence I didn't say sorry or anything. He sat down in his chair and looked at me as I went while we both said stuff like "have a nice day -oh thanks, you too- see you soon - take care".

 

So, yesterday my friend and I went to his cubicle to leave a paper to another professor. As he saw us he said "hi, how are you?" to both of us. My friend replied and they started to talk. I stood there with half of my face against the wall and the other half in the hole of the door (I hope you understand my description). My friend was writing a note to the professor, so for a while as she talked with him she looked down to write, and I was looking around for I wasn't taking part in the conversation, and in that moment when she looked down to the paper I looked up to see my professor. He was looking at me with a very soft and tender look. I found it sweet, but it makes me wonder whether he feels any kind of attraction towards me, or he's just being nice. He's single and has never had children... Does he see me as a daughter?

 

My friend commented that it's weird we both don't talk to each other in the presence of other people (her). We barely tell each other stuff when there's a third person... So she finds weird when I tell her I have pretty cool conversations with him face to face. Another friend of mine told him to notice if he cheek-kisses other students. For now I've seen he doesn't do it with my friend, and I saw he said goodbye to a graduate (female) student and he just made a joke about I don't know what, and they never cheek-kissed. Not even the intention to do so was seen in none of them both...

 

I have to add that I'm not really physically attractive at all. I'm short, not fit, I'm not feminine (I don't wear makeup nor do I dress girly), I have bad skin, etc.

 

Also, I must mention that in Latinamerica cheek-kissing is common, but not among professors and students. I only know one professor who cheek-kisses all girls, but he's got a reputation...

 

So, what do you think, men?

 

Thanks for your answers in advance. If I can help you with something just tell me!

[d0nnivain]

It's improper for him to cheek kiss you but it would be very wrong for him to date you while you are a student. After you graduate you can both do what you please. While you are a student it would be an abuse of his power / position.

 

 

He probably likes you as a student because you care about his subject. He avoids you because he knows what it looks like -- like there is something improper.

 

 

Enjoy your fantasy but if you genuinely care for him, stay away. Don't do anything to put his job & reputation at risk.

[BreakOnThrough]

Any boys your own age that you are interested in? Try and date some and get your mind off of this person.

[Elisa94]

I'm always curious about why people find the age gap so bad, but please don't say things based on your mere personal/emotional opinion like "because it's gross". Why is it so necessary that someone dates people of their age? Does that make people to love more or build a stronger relationship? I don't see the problem when the two people involved are mature enough and know the consequences of their decisions (getting into a relationship, for example) — that's why pedophilia is objectively wrong: a kid cannot decide yet in the topic love, their mental, emotional and biological maturity doesn't allow them...

 

Then, please I'd like to know objective reasons of why people of different age shouldn't get involved in a romantic relationship

 

Thanks for replying!

[elaine567]

This is not an age gap problem per se.

This is about a man in a position of trust potentially over stepping boundaries with a student.

 

As for age gaps, I know you think that age matters little but it usually matters a lot. It is not so much numbers it is about life stages, the existence of different life stages and thus differing views and expectations of any relationship, usually kills it dead long term.

 

Be careful here, he may just be the local sweet talking Lothario, who has a "favourite" in every intake,, some Professors can be like that.

I know you believe you are "special" to him but perhaps not in the way you envisage either. Super keen students are usually always seen as a bonus to anyone in the teaching profession.

[Elisa94]

Of course I understand the different stages of life we're in, but I really think that an age gap relationship can work if both are decided to do so.

 

Anyways, thanks a lot for your advice! I've thought that before too, but actually the subject he taught me is barely interesting to most of students (social studies in engineering faculty? Sounds stupid, but they're necessary, and many don't understand it )

He actually is more involved with last year students doing their thesis than in those of first year (subjects he teaches are of first year exclusively).

I think he's genuine with his expressions of affection (yesterday he hugged me, decently), but he might be trying to be friendly towards me.

 

Thank you again for your very concrete answer! Greetings from here!

[d0nnivain]

The age gap isn't the problem so much as the lifestage gap & the huge power gap. This is an unequal relationship.

 

 

Lifestage gap: you are a student. You should be exploring the world, figuring things out, making mistakes & learning. He's a professor: he should be settled, stable & somebody who imparts wisdom. He has earning power. You have earning potential. At this point you probably have different short term goals. You want to graduate. He may be closer to settling down or even thinking about retirement.

 

 

Power gap: You are a student. You have no power. He is a professor. Theoretically he can influence your grade. Will his peers treat you differently because you are his SO. If they see you socially through him where they just see the other students in class, you have an unfair advantage & the other students may think you are getting undeserved preferential treatment. Plus from a public policy perspective we can't have student teacher relationships evaluated on a case by case basis. There need to be bright line rules. Some unethical professors may use the hero worship some students have to manipulate those impressionable minds. Plus if your professor wasn't your professor but somebody working in the field would you still have the same respect & longing for him? What percentage of your admiration is tied to his position as opposed to his person?

 

 

If you really like him, respect the institution enough to stay away until after graduation.

[Elisa94]

The age gap isn't the problem so much as the lifestage gap & the huge power gap. This is an unequal relationship.

 

 

Lifestage gap: you are a student. You should be exploring the world, figuring things out, making mistakes & learning. He's a professor: he should be settled, stable & somebody who imparts wisdom. He has earning power. You have earning potential. At this point you probably have different short term goals. You want to graduate. He may be closer to settling down or even thinking about retirement.

 

 

Power gap: You are a student. You have no power. He is a professor. Theoretically he can influence your grade. Will his peers treat you differently because you are his SO. If they see you socially through him where they just see the other students in class, you have an unfair advantage & the other students may think you are getting undeserved preferential treatment. Plus from a public policy perspective we can't have student teacher relationships evaluated on a case by case basis. There need to be bright line rules. Some unethical professors may use the hero worship some students have to manipulate those impressionable minds. Plus if your professor wasn't your professor but somebody working in the field would you still have the same respect & longing for him? What percentage of your admiration is tied to his position as opposed to his person?

 

 

If you really like him, respect the institution enough to stay away until after graduation.

 

Thanks again!

I've already analysed all you've said:

 

He doesn't teach any subject to me anymore, he did last semester. Also I'm changing university (not because of him at all, another reasons) so he'll not be anything for me academically. He doesn't know I'm changing university, but I'm sure he'll be glad (similar experience he had when my age).

 

I've one similar friend to him, he's got no academic titles, and this last man is the one I love. He's also somewhat older, and what I liked about him is easily all I never said I like my professor, but I needed to know what his intentions could be, for he simply can just see me as a daughter Know so I can leave my intentions towards him clear too...

[d0nnivain]

If you are going to a different school then your professor's job -- a professor -- has no bearing. He's just a guy & there you are free to date him if you both want to date.

 

 

There is still a lifestage gap but the power gap -- other than earnings -- is substantially reduced.

 

 

Beware to your prof you may simply have been an interested / engaged / thoughtful student.