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Professor/Student Situation....What are we?


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So, I am an undergrad and am finishing up my second semester in college (I am 19, almost 20. Older for my year). During my first semester, I chose to take a Gen-Ed course that required a lab. The professor for this lab became such a cliche. Adjunct professor, so no tenure. Young for his position, 27/28 if I had to take a guess (he left grad school in 2011 if that helps.) Cute, but not to die for. However, I've always been attracted to older men. Therefore, I had a thing for this guy for day one. Now.. the actual story:

 

Prior to the first day of class, I had trouble accessing his information online. Without knowing anything about his age, appearance, I emailed him asking for help. Didn't know how professional to be, so I kept it super formal. After about 10 emails and a quick trip to the Rate My Professor page, I realized that this guy was young, easy going, and not someone i needed to be too formal with. We eventually figured out my computer issue, and the days-long conversation before classes began ended with friendly banter. I was excited to see who he was.

 

So fast forward to the middle of the first semester, and things are insanely chill. Because this course is Gen Ed, it's not my speciality. We quickly sparked a friendship; common interests, flirty jokes throughout class, would go out of our way to talk to each other during lab. Nothing out of the ordinary, however. I just had a crush. At this point I could only tell that he gave me more attention than others. Towards the end of the semester, I needed some help creating my next schedule. (keep in mind this was not my best subject and this guy gave me a B+, for no reason.) He was so willing to help me and told me exactly when to put my next class down.. so that I'd have him again one final time. So during the break, before the spring semester, I realized that my randomized schedule did not allow me take him. I figured it was worth a shot, so I told him that I didn't get him as a professor, awaiting his reaction. Long story short, he enrolled me into his class through the department...regardless of it being full and off limits to other students.

 

So, now to the real stuff. The semester begins and there is already a different vibe than the last. He knows he helped me, I'm super appreciative, even more attracted to him. The flirting is almost out of hand and at time so obvious that I'm worried others would notice. He even shot me an email before the first class to "remind me of class tonight" (it's a night course.) So one night.. feeling risky, I send him a email telling him about my day. Something short, telling him I did well on a lecture quiz and that I owed him one. He responded quickly, telling me that he's keeping a list of his favors. I didn't respond to that, not wanting to drag it out and be that annoying student. However, later during the night, he emailed again. Only this time to tell me about a local food discount at a place he knows I love. I tell him that he must listen more than I thought he did. He replies "mmm.. maybe a little. You should check it out."

 

At the time, I didn't know how direct I could be with him. What if I ruined it by making assumptions, ya know? I'm pretty mature for my age. The conversation continued with a few flirty emails only for me to eventually say "see you next week?" trying to leave him wanting more. It seemed to offend him, as if he was hurt. I joked and told him I didn't want to interrupt his night. Fast forward a few more weeks, and we're emailing after almost every class (ends at 9.) He'll ask me how my weekly tv/wine night is going... I'd ask what his plans were. One time he said "I was drinking downtown, you missed me by 10." I wanted to reply something flirty, but I'd been drinking myself. My response made nearly no sense and the next morning I sent a joking email back, saying that wine and emails seemingly don't mix. He thought it was funny and we joked about it to the side during class. At this point, though, I though I'd missed my chances by not taking a further risk with him. Maybe he was only going to say things like that twice you know?

 

So one night I tell him "Hope I didn't keep you too long after class." (We hung around to talk about our break plans). "Nah, I enjoyed chatting" he said. Only to send another saying "And I didn't mind..." I was asleep by then and never replied. The next few classes consisted of more sexual tension than usual. He'd wait until no one was looking and we'd stare for minutes. Usually I break it off to prevent anyone from noticing. Fast forward again and I take a gamble and make an excuse to see him. I ask if he could print me out something since i ran out of prints myself, and he says sure. We make a time to meet, but it falls through. He apologizes and reschedules two different times. I'm left wondering what I did wrong and if I screwed up.

 

When we get to class, he seems to be worried and embarrassed about blowing me off. I stay calm and act as normal, except less talking .we were taking a test. When we leave that night, I email him. "You must have really not wanted to see me this week, ha." jokingly. He never answers. and I'm only more worried about then. The day before out next lab (a full week later) he emails me back. About three paragraphs explaining why he had to cancel and bail, telling me about how sick he'd gotten, etc. It started and ended with, "It had nothing to do with not wanting to see you." I felt terrible. I thought maybe he'd taken my email as a diss? That I was rude. I sent a long response back, apologizing. Telling him to let me know next time and hoping that we were alright. He answers and gives me a very simple response, "Nah, we're good. I just wanted to explain. I don't get my feelings hurt easily, btw." At this point, I am very confused. What does this mean, I thought. Is he trying to seem tough?

 

The last thing that has happened was odd. One night, an hour or two after lab, (it was 11) my friends and I go to a local sports bar. For a drink and food. As soon as we walk in, I spot him at the bar. He's with someone so I look away quickly and walk behind him to be seated. (I don't believe he saw me.) We order and I am flustered, so eventually I get up to go into the restroom. As I open the door, I run into the TA for our lab. I say excuse me awkwardly, and begin to wonder if she's with him... (I wasn't too concerned, she's on the awkward side and doesn't seem his type. They never talk much in class, but she is older. It's a common thing for TA's and Prof's to hang out after/before classes.) Still shocked, though, I go to sit back down. When I look up, they're both gone. Later that night, I email him.

 

"So, I wasn't sure if it was you tonight. I was out with a few friends grabbing a bite to eat." He replies the next morning, "Perhaps..where do you think you saw me?" I tell him. He says "Yeah, I was there grabbing a few beers. My TA said she saw a student, but I didn't ask who. You should have said hey."

 

1, It might me calm down knowing that he wasn't being shady about being out with his TA. 2, he made sure to note that he didn't ask who it was. Meaning that if she said it was me he wouldn't have left? I don't know. I took a gamble and responded "Yeah, I ran into her at one point. I saw you with someone and didn't want to interrupt. Hang around longer next time and I might." I was trying to finally be forward to make up for missed opportunities. He never responded, but the next week at lab he acted normal; flirty and with long gazes. I feel like I'm not forward enough in person but I only feel like he trusts and respects the fact that I'm not. Im assuming that's why he's even interested in the first place. So, what do I do? Do you think my chances are gone (he does not seem like the type to just want a quick student ****)? Do i wait until the semester is over and ask him for a drink? Do you think he will do something then? Or should I try saying something risky in person for the first time when I catch him online during lab (we mostly guide ourselves so it'd be easy to do..)

 

I'm not sure what my goal is here. I just am interested in him, would be down for a hookup, but also wouldn't mind seeing him outside of class to just talk life. I know he'd been down for the same thing. I just need advice on how to play this out, if he's lost interest, etc.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added paragraphs ~6
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You are almost 20, just ask him out already.

 

And if you want to just get laid I am positive that he would be down for that. I mean if he is single, you don't think you would be the first classroom hottie that he has slept with?

 

I mean, not offense, but just stop the drama and go for it...

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Scarlett.O'hara

I have to respectfully disagree with the response of the previous poster. If you have any respect for this professor you will not put his career or reputation at risk while he is your teacher. You also risk having your grades and character being questioned by the university.

 

His hot/cold behavior indicate that he is concerned about crossing a line with a student. He is still young so he might not have the experience dealing with ethical boundaries.

 

The right thing to do would be to wait until you are no longer his student, without any ethical conflict of interest.

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She is freaking 20 years old...

 

I complete disagree with Scarlett.O'hara. You are young, if you dig him have a fling. If not let it go.

 

I mean come on...

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somanymistakes

Wait until the semester is over and your grades are in. Until then, fantasize madly and enjoy it.

 

In some jurisdictions, teacher/student is still actually illegal even if you're over 18 (it depends on exactly where you are and you don't need to tell the internet that). In others, it's legal but it can get the teacher fired and possibly banned from his profession.

 

There are also risks when it comes to your schoolwork being affected. Even if the professor is completely well-meaning and would NEVER take it out on you, a romantic fling that goes badly can leave you feeling so awkward and embarrassed that you have a hard time dealing with him in close quarters afterwards and that can also screw up your grades.

 

Just wait. It's only a few months, right? If a few months delay makes you lose interest it wasn't much of an interest to begin with.

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I'm sure I'll get some flack for this, but when I hear about professor student physical relations with the stereotype 40 year old professor and 18 year old student, it just comes across as kind of skeevy. Especially since the professor has grading duties (and therefore the power dynaic) to do with the student. And all (or almost all) US universities prohibit this, so if the professor is found out, he (or she in some cases) could certainly be disciplined, maybe fired.

 

With this OP's age span, I don't think the age difference is so much of an issue, but the rules of the University still apply.

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WaitingForBardot
Wait until the semester is over and your grades are in...

...then ask him out.

 

When I was a TA, a first year student started hitting on my pretty hard. I told her I couldn't go out because I was her TA and that was that, or so I thought. Then after class on our last day she pulls some flowers out of her book pack, hands them to me, and says "you're not my TA now!"

 

Flowers! ..lol..

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Ask him out after the semester is over. What he is doing now is not appropriate and could possibly get him fired. I think he didn't want to meet you to make copies because he didn't trust himself alone with you.

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Ask him out after the semester is over. What he is doing now is not appropriate and could possibly get him fired. I think he didn't want to meet you to make copies because he didn't trust himself alone with you.

 

I thought the same, thanks for the input. I guess I'm just concerned with over-analyzing the situation and making a move and it not being reciprocated (even though he's definitely in his own way shown the interest.) I just wanted to include all of the details so everyone could get the full picture!

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Absolutely don't even toy with the idea to ask him out if you're still in his class/lab. He can lose his job if he gets involved with an undergrad student.

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Absolutely don't even toy with the idea to ask him out if you're still in his class/lab. He can lose his job if he gets involved with an undergrad student.

 

I agree. I guess I'm just concerned with losing his interest, considering his indirectly told me where's he's drinking at night, etc.. possibly implying that I should come. Each of those times I didn't make a move to join, wanting to be sure that was his intention. I guess my thought process was, "If he's willing.. maybe I should be too." Thoughts?

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Sure you're both adults, but I can almost 100% guarantee that the college or university you attend considers there is a power differential between the two of you, one which might negatively impact you and your success at the university or bias the results you get in a way that creates a negative work environment for other students. In other words, these types of relationship affect the professor's ability to evaluate bias-free.

 

This doesn't mean you can't date. This means that if you do date, he has to declare it to his department chair and abdicate the right to evaluate your work. Now, most professors will not do this for one simple reason: they would lose professional credibility.

 

Once you are no longer his student, then you revert to being both adults on equal footing. Right now, you are not.

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I thought the same, thanks for the input. I guess I'm just concerned with over-analyzing the situation and making a move and it not being reciprocated (even though he's definitely in his own way shown the interest.) I just wanted to include all of the details so everyone could get the full picture!

 

From what you have said, it does sound like he might have a little crush on you. Any teacher worth their salt knows it's inappropriate to have even a friendship with a student. Teachers have to keep hard boundaries. When I was in college and went to a male professor's office, they always kept the door open, so there wasn't even a hint that something untoward might be going on. What he has done so far is inappropriate and could get him in a lot of trouble if anyone found out, so that is why I say he must like you if he's willing to risk his job. Because that is essentially what he is doing.

 

Again, I would just wait until the semester is over, and maybe ask him if he wants to meet for lunch or something to celebrate the semester being over. Something benign like that. If he jumps at meeting you, that's a good sign. If he blows you off, then he's probably not interested.

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From what you have said, it does sound like he might have a little crush on you. Any teacher worth their salt knows it's inappropriate to have even a friendship with a student. Teachers have to keep hard boundaries. When I was in college and went to a male professor's office, they always kept the door open, so there wasn't even a hint that something untoward might be going on. What he has done so far is inappropriate and could get him in a lot of trouble if anyone found out, so that is why I say he must like you if he's willing to risk his job. Because that is essentially what he is doing.

 

Again, I would just wait until the semester is over, and maybe ask him if he wants to meet for lunch or something to celebrate the semester being over. Something benign like that. If he jumps at meeting you, that's a good sign. If he blows you off, then he's probably not interested.

 

Thanks a lot for the input! I completely agree. There are only about three weeks left in the semester, so I'll act as we typically do and then send something along the lines of what you recommended after we're through. Wish me luck!

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Hopefully this prof. knows dating a student is a no no.

 

OP, If you're wondering what's going on in his mind it's this

 

 

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CaliforniaGirl

It sounds to me like this guy is enjoying and sometimes encouraging the flattering flirtatiousness from a very young student, but does not wish to actually date you. Things a m to have fallen off the instant you two were actually going to meet up that one time. To me that says a lot.

 

He's flattered and has no clue how to keep boundaries but he isn't interested in pursuing n anything.

 

The short responses aren't him acting tough, they are his attempts at distance any time you get too intense.

 

By the way, the TA could be his type. You don't know what his type is.

 

Honestly this whole thing is kind of inappropriate, IMO. He may have finally realized that too. He thought he was just having fun but then attempted plans started being made and all of a sudden he realized that duh, this is his job, his paycheck. I believe there are rules about this sort of thing.

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Does this man have anything to do with your grade for that class? Do you know what the school's policy is on professors engaging in intimate relationships with students? My guess is that it's forbidden. Him flirting with you is on the precipice of this policy.

 

If so, you need to leave this alone. This is an actionable offense for him getting fired if it gets out and it will get out--don't be so sure no one hasn't noticed the in-class flirting yet. The TA may begin to put 2 and 2 together if you two forget yourselves and engage in the flirting. If you're emailing him on the school's email system, understand that their IT department can go into his emails at any time and if they see these correspondences between you and him, that's ammunition against him.

 

Leave the school and pursue him if you like him that much. Otherwise, stop all of this.

Edited by kendahke
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Does this man have anything to do with your grade for that class? Do you know what the school's policy is on professors engaging in intimate relationships with students? My guess is that it's forbidden. Him flirting with you is on the precipice of this policy.

 

If so, you need to leave this alone. This is an actionable offense for him getting fired if it gets out and it will get out--don't be so sure no one hasn't noticed the in-class flirting yet. The TA may begin to put 2 and 2 together if you two forget yourselves and engage in the flirting. If you're emailing him on the school's email system, understand that their IT department can go into his emails at any time and if they see these correspondences between you and him, that's ammunition against him.

 

Leave the school and pursue him if you like him that much. Otherwise, stop all of this.

 

 

So far, he's the most laid back lab professor for the subject. Meaning, I have other friends with different professor and they're all doing poorly. This man curves assignments, drops quizzes, etc. My grade is as fairly observed as any. It's a Gen Ed class and my second semester in it, also meaning I won't have any reason to take another science class, (in other words, no student ties to him after this semester ends-which is in three week.) You are right about the IT email situation, it's something I (shockingly enough) haven't given much thought too. I guess because we haven't DIRECTLY crossed any lines, that I didn't think of it... but there are definitely lines crossed that most professor/students wouldn't have. What are your thoughts about no more emails/minimal flirting once the semester is done? He's younger, so if we were to grab lunch, coffee, drinks... wouldn't appear odd.

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Does this man have anything to do with your grade for that class? Do you know what the school's policy is on professors engaging in intimate relationships with students? My guess is that it's forbidden. Him flirting with you is on the precipice of this policy.

 

If so, you need to leave this alone. This is an actionable offense for him getting fired if it gets out and it will get out--don't be so sure no one hasn't noticed the in-class flirting yet. The TA may begin to put 2 and 2 together if you two forget yourselves and engage in the flirting. If you're emailing him on the school's email system, understand that their IT department can go into his emails at any time and if they see these correspondences between you and him, that's ammunition against him.

 

Leave the school and pursue him if you like him that much. Otherwise, stop all of this.

 

Also, adding to my other response, why do you think he is so willing to be as exposed to me as he has been this far? If it's as risky as you're saying it is? Why even do THIS much..? He's not old, but old enough to know right from wrong, in this sense. My thought process has pretty much been "Well if he's risking it, it must not be too dangerous." (I get where that becomes a sticky situation, but I've never been in this position.)

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Also, adding to my other response, why do you think he is so willing to be as exposed to me as he has been this far? If it's as risky as you're saying it is? Why even do THIS much..? He's not old, but old enough to know right from wrong, in this sense. My thought process has pretty much been "Well if he's risking it, it must not be too dangerous." (I get where that becomes a sticky situation, but I've never been in this position.)

 

He's an idiot with poor judgement.

 

You would be wise to familiarize yourself with the school's code of conduct on students fraternizing with the teaching staff. I'll bet even money on it that there is something worded in the contract he signed to work there that says he will abide by all the rules and regulations while drawing a paycheck from them. Trust me--your school's legal department have clearly spelled out anything that would drag their name through the mud.

 

Keep your nose clean in this. Leave him alone until your grade does not depend upon his input. Ever.

Edited by kendahke
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It sounds to me like this guy is enjoying and sometimes encouraging the flattering flirtatiousness from a very young student, but does not wish to actually date you. Things a m to have fallen off the instant you two were actually going to meet up that one time. To me that says a lot.

 

He's flattered and has no clue how to keep boundaries but he isn't interested in pursuing n anything.

 

The short responses aren't him acting tough, they are his attempts at distance any time you get too intense.

 

By the way, the TA could be his type. You don't know what his type is.

 

Honestly this whole thing is kind of inappropriate, IMO. He may have finally realized that too. He thought he was just having fun but then attempted plans started being made and all of a sudden he realized that duh, this is his job, his paycheck. I believe there are rules about this sort of thing.

 

I appreciate the input, your outlook is one I haven't really gotten before. I'm sure he has realized it's inappropriate. Regardless of my dissapointment, I have too. It's just been so back and forth and a drawn out ordeal...I guess I'm just bummed that the semester is finally coming to an end and there might not be any chance of seeing him afterwards? (Keep in mind, I am in no way implying romantic/relationship hopes. I am not that naive, but I wouldn't mind sleeping with him if opportunity presented itself. He's a great guy regardless and we have loads in common, I'd even be cool with lunch or drinks. Just something I've thought about once the semester comes to and end. But judging by your response, that's something you don't think is in the cards? He still has made flirty advances in the classes following his shorter emails. The same long and tension-filled gazes as well.

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So far, he's the most laid back lab professor for the subject. Meaning, I have other friends with different professor and they're all doing poorly. This man curves assignments, drops quizzes, etc. My grade is as fairly observed as any. It's a Gen Ed class and my second semester in it, also meaning I won't have any reason to take another science class, (in other words, no student ties to him after this semester ends-which is in three week.) You are right about the IT email situation, it's something I (shockingly enough) haven't given much thought too. I guess because we haven't DIRECTLY crossed any lines, that I didn't think of it... but there are definitely lines crossed that most professor/students wouldn't have. What are your thoughts about no more emails/minimal flirting once the semester is done? He's younger, so if we were to grab lunch, coffee, drinks... wouldn't appear odd.

 

You didn't answer my question.

 

Does he have anything to do with your grade and you passing this class?

 

You don't know what area his department is going to put him into in the upcoming semesters.

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You didn't answer my question.

 

Does he have anything to do with your grade and you passing this class?

 

You don't know what area his department is going to put him into in the upcoming semesters.

 

He assigns the assignments... (formatting quizzes, labs, exams.) As far as actually grading and submitting the final grades? That is the TA's business. At least, that is how it worked last semester and my TA this semester sits with her laptop during class time, calculating our assignments and handing them back. I believe he simply guides/watches over her, and does his usually lecturing for the lab. As far as the area he is teaching in, you're right.. he could be moved. However, his degree is for Geology and whatever he gets placed under will be Sciences. I am an English major and only needed his two courses for my requirements. I'll not longer have anything to do with that department in particular, if that makes sense.

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Note from moderation: We've merged three duplicate threads so there may be some overlap or duplicate content. ~6

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