Was I turned down?

[Belle23]

I recently started a new job, and I am not sure what to make of one of my male coworkers. Although I am new, he seems to scrutinize my work more than others. He's not my supervisor, but he's in a senior role so he reviews my work. It's frustrating because I can see online that he's approved of others' work that contain the same flaws. It's as if he didn't even look at their work, even though some are new to the job, too.

 

In addition to this, I've also started noticing how differently he treats me around our other coworkers. Our current assignment requires us to work one-on-one frequently right now. He'll be really cool when we're alone, but he'll disagree with me with a lot in meetings. I felt blindsided by his comments in our last meeting. We previously agreed about my assessment of something when we were alone, but wouldn't stick up for me in the meeting when someone disagreed with me about it. It made me furious.

 

We hit it off from the start and he's really cool otherwise, so I'm not sure what his deal is and how to handle this. I thought maybe it was because he had a crush on me or something because of the way he looks/stares at me, flirts, tries to pry into my personal life, goes out of his way to do extremely nice things, etc. However, last week, he started mentioning his girlfriend (even though its mostly complaints), so I no longer think that's the case.

 

How should I handle his behavior? I think we work great alone, so I'm pretty disappointed that he's acting like this.

[Nowty V]

You need to take a step back and look at this with a fresh pair of eyes; and from a different perspective. for example....

 

Lets assess this groovy co worker. Position is senior to you but not junior management. They aspire to junior management. They perceive you as a serious threat to their career pathway. You are better looking than him, you are brighter than him, you have a flair for the industry and are naturally far and above his capabilities.

 

He is two faced, he knows how to play the internal political structure. All he intends to do with you is eliminate you as soon as he is able. He maybe nice to your face, but he is always calculating behind your back.

 

Be professional, don't be sucked in by any of his BS. Do your job to the letter and enjoy your career. Welcome to the machine.

 

PS: Whatever he does you'll just have to suck it up and smile, don't be offended by his political manoeuvring. Providing you remain professional to the letter, if he is as stupid as he is obvious he will soon catch himself in his own trap, and the meek shall inherit the earth.

Edited December 17, 2016 by Nowty V

[Belle23]

Ugh, I never viewed it as him trying to undercut me. He was really nice. Guess had me fooled.

[Nowty V]

Guess had me fooled.

 

Maybe not, he may be genuine and there are other reasons for his idiosyncrasies.

 

I tend to take a cynical view of human behaviour in the workplace.

 

After all, we work to pay the rent and service our financial obligations.

 

When there is money involved it can bring out the worst in some personality types.

 

Watch your back, go by the book, do not be verbally indiscreet - don't chit chat on too personal a level - don't give away personal information in an environment where it is not required. You are on the Company's time, be for the Company - When you are on your own time, do as you please, don't blur the line.

 

HR are there to protect the Company's back from spurious personal injury claims, increase production and optimise volume - try not to see them as someone you can turn to if this joker creates problems, HR are equally likely to see you as the problem if it is the quickest and cheapest solution.

 

A very apt signature on here goes something like 'If you want them to stop stabbing you in the back - quit handing them the knife'

Edited December 17, 2016 by Nowty V

[NTV]

When I'm tasked with training new employees I'm often hyper critical in order to teach. Especially if the other folks I work with are morons I can't trust to do their job right and I'm tired of cleaning up their mess. Could be he just expects more out of you too.

 

Really there's too many variables here to give you a good answer. I would act as though the error catching is him trying to help you to perform better and learn from your mistakes.

 

As far as being nice most folks are usually nice and polite at work. That's an implied part of professionalism.

[Gloria25]

I feel ya, cuz I'm so confused right now.

 

Dude would act one way around me, then now they're telling me he said this/that (but problem is, I can't trust what they're telling me either - cuz they have their own beef with me and seems like they're using our situation to come after "me" - not "him").

 

But, recently he and I were polite and professional towards each other - so, I'm wondering if this is some game to him. I mean, if you're so freaked, I'd expect if we cross paths, you'd pretend like you were checking your phone or looking into the sky or something - cuz that's what I'd do with someone I wanted no contact with.

 

I mean, I don't know who to trust and am just trying to keep quiet and wait this out. I'm waiting for him to correct this too (i.e. by simply telling them it was a misunderstanding he wants to move on from this). Not sure if he's avoiding them (which would be his idea of "correcting" this) cuz he did mean it when he said he was sorry and he didn't realize the magnitude of that he did/said - or indeed he meant it all and just thinks the worst of me:(

 

I wish I could talk about it with him, but am too scared to approach cuz I don't know for sure what he's saying and they're gonna come after me if they know I spoke to him. Not sure if he can be trusted, not sure if he's playing some game....Still not sure if indeed it's "him" or "them" that don't want us to speak.

 

 

I'm still sitting there thinking "What was he thinking?" I'm wondering like, why didn't he just come to me - he looked happy to me when I was around. I still wonder if his little "bro" put him up to this - but gosh darn, he can't stand up to his little "bro"? Couldn't he have handled this better than throwing me under the bus?

 

So yes, I'm confused and hurt. I don't know who to trust and what to do except wait.

 

So, IMO, just watch your back. Dude used to stare and stuff at me too and from what I thought, we were cool....I guess the whole time and according to him, we were not cool.

[Belle23]

I posted previously about being frustrated with one of my coworkers. I was hoping to get some input on something work-related (career advice of some sort), so I asked him if we could chat about it over lunch. He said yes. However, shortly after, he said I could call him after work to talk about it if I wanted to and so we exchanged numbers.

 

 

I didn't think anything of it at the time, but I can't help but wonder if I was turned down. Did he think the lunch invite was me asking him on a date so he offered the phone convo instead as a way to gently and indirectly turn me down? Is it going up feel awkward in the office now? We did end up talking on the phone and he was really nice. He said I can call him whenever I need to talk and he's available anytime. That makes me feel ok because he's at least being friendly and no cold (if his intentions were to turn me down even though if wasn't a date). Maybe I'm being too paranoid and overthinking this...

[ASG]

You are being paranoid.

 

Even if he thought it was a date and decided to talk on the phone instead... why would it be awkward? Nothing happened. It's all in your head, and clearly, you're just making it up, because you've already had a phone conversation with him!

[Scarlett.O'hara]

It sounds like he is just trying to keep things professional. He is still willing to help you out though so there is no need to worry about things being awkward work.

[Survivor12]

Based on what you have posted in this & a prior post, it sounds as though your interest in this co-worker is more than professional. In your other post, you were surmising that he may be interested in you even though his actions do not support it.

 

Although you may not want to admit it (or are in denial), it is very possible that your actions toward him (including asking him to lunch) may make it obvious to him. (Why would you ask someone who you claim has shown disrespect for you professionally for professional advice?)

 

To answer your question, yes, he very likely turned down your invitation because he doesn't want to give you (or anyone else) the impression that your relationship is anything other than that of co-workers. Besides, if he does not consider you a friend, why would you expect him to take the time to have lunch with you to discuss a personal matter? (If it's about work, you could discuss it on company time, right?)

 

Please consider your underlying motives. Why are you so concerned about what he thinks of you? Even if you don't have a "romantic" interest, your need for attention and validation from him can be just as professionally damaging.

 

My advice--maintain a professional distance, focus on doing your job well & accept that he is not interested in being anything but your co-worker.

 

Good luck.

[stillafool]

He definitely wants to make sure you are keeping it on a professional level by talking via phone rather than going out to lunch. Was your subject for him work related?

[Gloria25]

I think him giving you his tel and even telling you that you could call him at anytime after work is a good sign. I mean, IMO, if he had SO and has some woman from work calling him and his SO answers the phone - you/he could be in hot water. I mean, when I call my brother and/or his wife - doesn't matter who I call, sometimes the other answers the phone and/or text, sometimes the kids answer the phone...

 

IMO, the lunch would've been less impersonal because coworkers who have no romantic interest have lunch and other stuff all the time. At one job, there was a guy I'd go walking with at lunch and/or breaks - neither of us had romantic interests. We also had each other's tel. I consider him a dear friend.

 

Also, let's say he sorta is interested in you romantically - what he did was normal. I mean, when most people meet and connect they usually exchange contact information (i.e. telephone, Fakebook, etc.) before setting a date - no matter even if the date is a simple coffee or lunch. Now me, I started giving out my tel "after" a first date because after one guy I met on OLD started stalking me online and calling me at all times of the day/night and breathing on the phone and stuff - I vowed never to give out my tel again until I was sure about the guy.

 

So, I think him giving you his tel is a good sign. But, still isn't a concrete sign of romantic interest. And, it's a better sign than him taking you out to lunch.

 

But still, I say seriously to consider not pursuing this. I think I responded to your other post. It's too much of a risk for your job, reputation, etc. And, be careful cuz like others are saying if "you" are the one interpreting what he does as romantic interest and he's not - you could get harassment charges filed against you without him even giving you notice that he's gonna file it. I mean, a grown-up person would at least give you the heads up and if you persist, then file a complaint. But, believe it or not, there are men who will not give you notice and "assume" you thought or meant this/that and jump and file a complaint.

Edited January 9, 2017 by Gloria25

[preraph]

Yeah. He's not interested in anything personal with you, and that must be your intent or you wouldn't have been bothered by this.

[Belle23]

At my last job, I went out with my male colleagues all the time (I worked with mostly men). I never viewed it as a date or anything other than friendly coworkers. I've gone out for with one or two coworkers at my current job, too. Those other men don't work in my department, so I thought it was weird that someone in my own department would act weird about it. I guess I was clearly was overthinking things.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

That's nice that you are comfortable having lunches with your male colleagues but not everyone feels the same way about it.

 

Some people feel strongly about not spending time with members of the opposite sex outside of work, especially those who are in relationships or careful about mixing their professional and personal relationships. It is all a matter of personal boundaries and ethics.

 

As long as you can respect that his boundaries and ethics are different than yours there shouldn't be any problems or need for awkwardness.

[Gloria25]

That's nice that you are comfortable having lunches with your male colleagues but not everyone feels the same way about it.

 

Some people feel strongly about not spending time with members of the opposite sex outside of work, especially those who are in relationships or careful about mixing their professional and personal relationships. It is all a matter of personal boundaries and ethics.

 

As long as you can respect that his boundaries and ethics are different than yours there shouldn't be any problems or need for awkwardness.

 

But what are his boundaries? I think that's what is perplexing the OP. I just re-read her post - where she asked him to discuss this over lunch and instead he gave her his tel without explaining why he didn't opt for lunch.

 

I don't like what he did, he should of said something like "Hey, here's my tel because right now don't think lunch would be a good idea" or "I'm giving you my tel cuz I don't do lunch with coworkers who may be interested in more beyond professional contact".

 

Yes, what I'm saying he should've said upon giving her his tel may come off as dry and/or stiff - but needs to be expressed, especially if he is noticing that she is interested in him romantically and he ain't interested in her like that. Cuz all we need is for him to "assume" she understood what he meant by him not opting for lunch and then think she's pushing his boundaries when in reality she's clueless as to what his "boundaries" since he hasn't straight up said what those boundaries are.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

But what are his boundaries? I think that's what is perplexing the OP. I just re-read her post - where she asked him to discuss this over lunch and instead he gave her his tel without explaining why he didn't opt for lunch.

 

I don't like what he did, he should of said something like "Hey, here's my tel because right now don't think lunch would be a good idea" or "I'm giving you my tel cuz I don't do lunch with coworkers who may be interested in more beyond professional contact".

 

Yes, what I'm saying he should've said upon giving her his tel may come off as dry and/or stiff - but needs to be expressed, especially if he is noticing that she is interested in him romantically and he ain't interested in her like that. Cuz all we need is for him to "assume" she understood what he meant by him not opting for lunch and then think she's pushing his boundaries when in reality she's clueless as to what his "boundaries" since he hasn't straight up said what those boundaries are.

 

He asserted his boundaries about meeting one on one for lunch. He is her senior and has a girlfriend so I think his decision was appropriate under the circumstances.

 

He might have felt it was unnecessary to come right out and tell her that he didn't feel it was appropriate to have lunch together. Instead he offered a polite alternative to spare any awkwardness.

[Gloria25]

He asserted his boundaries about meeting one on one for lunch. He is her senior and has a girlfriend so I think his decision was appropriate under the circumstances.

 

He might have felt it was unnecessary to come right out and tell her that he didn't feel it was appropriate to have lunch together. Instead he offered a polite alternative to spare any awkwardness.

 

Well, feelings of awkwardness are a drop in the bucket compared to the OP or any person not being given clarity then being slapped with a harassment complaint. Imagine her embarrassment and awkwardness trying to explain to the company that she "thought" he was into her?

 

What's awkward about him saying, "Sorry, I don't do lunch with coworkers because I don't believe it would be appropriate"?

 

Also, if he's a senior and/or senior to her, more reason that he should be crystal clear regardless of how it may hurt her feelings.

 

And sorry, IMO, him giving her his tel and telling her to contact him at any time would be more awkward than having lunch. Imagine her calling and his gf picks up? No way a guy could explain to his woman that he allowed a female coworker liberty to call him at anytime - even if the excuse is that she's calling for professional reasons. When I call my brother and/or his wife - they or the kids answer the phone and it's not cuz they are spying on each other...so, imagine the OP calling to discuss "professional" things after and outside of work and gf picks up?. He easily could've scheduled a meeting with her at his office to address her questions if indeed she just wants professional guidance on something - it's called "mentoring" and doesn't necessarily take place outside of duty hours - regardless if via personal tel or lunch.

Edited January 10, 2017 by Gloria25

[Banker Chick]

I'm a little surprised by all the responses that lunch would have been unprofessional. I've been in the business world for 25 years & gone to lunch with co-workers, bosses (both male & female), clients, etc. & it was never considered unprofessional. Frankly, I think him giving you his phone # & asking you to call after hours was way more unprofessional than having a working lunch.

[Belle23]

Ok. So apparently he still thought we were going to lunch. I made other plans because I thought he didn't want to. Now, he's has been short with me since.

[Gloria25]

Ok. So apparently he still thought we were going to lunch. I made other plans because I thought he didn't want to. Now, he's has been short with me since.

 

See, I don't like when people "assume"...You assumed he didn't wanna do lunch and now he assumed lunch was still on the table?

 

What made him think you were going to lunch if it was you that asked and he responded by giving you his tel?

 

IMO, the ball was in his court. He should've said 'Yea, we can do lunch, but also, here's my tel'.

 

And now he's being short with you? Ok, look again, I believe that happened more than once with dude. If I didn't speak to him in front of people he "assumed" that I was trying to hide us and/or was hitting on other guys and keeping each guy a secret. Maybe he thought I was trying to hit on his "bro". Maybe he thought my insecurity driven hot/cold was a lack of interest - when it was far from that.

 

People need to stop assuming and COMMUNICATE.

 

IMO, ask him why he thought lunch was still on if in response to your lunch invite, he just gave you his tel and didn't say yes/no. But really, I think cuz he's a coworker, got a gf, and is playing these passive/aggressive "assuming" games - you need to back off from this one.