Problems with coworker

[Kit84]

Hi everybody, and thanks for reading.

 

A few things about me. I am in my 30s and the coworker I am having problems with is as well. We used to work the same schedule almost a year ago and got along well. Then I was working different hours and only saw her in passing. Now we are back working the same schedule and it is like night and day our relationship.

 

work wise we do not have problems. We only work directly together a few hours a day on some days. Otherwise we just see each other in passing or at breaks. About a month and a half ago was when I noticed her change towards me. She stopped talking to me at times when i would say hi. I assumed she was under home stress and so left it be. But it got worse. She became cranky about things I did that I had always did that crosses at times into her work space. I avoided her as best I could but then she would be friendly and nice and I thought I was reading into it. Three weeks ago things took a drastic downhill turn. She misheard something I said and became agitated with me. She then accused me of not doing my job and I confronted her on it. She went crazy yelling at me and stormed off.

 

So I put the wall back up. However as I am qualified to do things she cannot, she was forced to come to me and ask me. Then she was slowly back to friendly. However I decided I really needed to keep my guard up.

 

But I failed. She had been sick for days and had look unwell and tired. We were working directly together and getting along great and I asked her if she was feeling better because she sounded and looked better. She asked me if I was saying she looked like sh*t before. People joke around so i wasn't sure but joking or not I am not one to ever tell someone that so I either said "no you looked unwell" or "no you looked sick." She then told me "you look like **** all the time, hahaha" (the actual words haha not a real laugh". I laughed and went to do something. When I returned I recieved a very long lecture about how I am a rude and mean person and you don't tell someone they look like sh*t. And that I always say rude and mean things and probably don't even mean to. That her saying I looked like sh*t was okay because she said haha and it was a joke. She gave me an example of something I had said that I know for a fact was completely twisted and not what I would have ever said in a million years.

 

I went to the lunchroom. I was upset. I hoped everyone was gone but a couple people saw me. I wanted to run to the washroom but one of my other coworkers was already coming to see what was wrong. I told him about it and he said she was one to talk. And to brush is off. Sound advice. But hard to do since I am here.

 

I wonder if I am rude and mean and don't know it. I instantly wanted to defend myself but didn't. I also had a hard time being lectured from her because she prides herself on a "saying it like she sees it person" and is therefore at times rude and she also jokes by insulting people sometimes(but of course if you say haha it's okay). But I realize that even if she is being a hypocrite it doesn't change whether or not I am a rude or mean person. And I don't want to be. I have been having a lot of self doubt over this. I had considered her my friend too and I don't know why she changed towards me so drastically.

 

I went and made the situation worse by talking with a coworker I work with closely and daily. I didn't at first but then I asked her if she had hears about the lecture. And she said yes, the lecture giver had told her. I told her I didn't say she looked like sh*t and well that isn't the story she is retelling which is good. Just thay she put me in my place by calling out my rudeness and then I ran to the lunchroom and cried. The coworker ended up telling me I needed to look at my own actions. And so i have been.

 

To top it all off I am on a medication that really makes me an emotional puddle. I have to constantly fight to not cry over the smallest things. It is hard for me to separate what is the meds from my true feelings. While I have never enjoyed being berated I don't know if not on these meds I would be taking it so hard.

 

I'm just at a loss. I don't know how to maturely deal with this. I guess I could keep internalizing it until it not longer bugs me but since I feel she has been rather harsh with me for a month and a half I am half afraid something else will happen. I feel like I am on eggshells.

 

She also invited everyone to a party except me. Everyone. And that shouldn't sting either but it does.

 

Advice please

Edited December 6, 2016 by Kit84

[LastAcorn99]

I’m sorry about this -- it must be frustrating for you. Have you asked your coworker directly what her issues are with you? If she continues to be difficult despite your best efforts, I would suggest that you maintain only a professional working relationship with her for some time. Please remember that no one can hurt you without your consent. Stay strong, okay?

Edited December 7, 2016 by LastAcorn99

[Kit84]

I’m sorry about this -- it must be frustrating for you. Have you asked your coworker directly what her issues are with you? If she continues to be difficult despite your best efforts, I would suggest that you maintain only a professional working relationship with her for some time. Please remember that no one can hurt you without your consent. Stay strong, okay?

 

That is the thing. Her "issue" is I am unconsciously rude and mean. And that I say things without thinking. I understand we can all be rude at times but I have never thought of myself as being rude or mean. I don't like insulting people even in jest. She only gave me two examples in her five minute lecture. The first was my commenting on how she looked better. The other time that i cannot imagine me saying was that I pointed out her wrinkles. She said another coworker told her when I told her I wouldn't do something like that. The thing is, I don't think she even has any wrinkles. There is a possibility she is twisting what was actually said. Or perhaps I was misheard by the other coworker. And I don't want to keep this going by confronting the person who "heard me point out her wrinkles"

 

Part of me feels she overstepped. Not just because she can be very rude herself but also because I have not said or done anything truly bad against her. It seems like her five minute lecture on my behaviour was unprofessional and unneeded. But the I do start to worry that I am rude and mean and have been weighing each word I say.

 

I also worry that this isn't the end. That she will continue to pick at me and then make things up. And since she recently took someone to HR I wonder if she will do the same to me.

[Miss Clavel]

i hope she does take you to HR. or better still, you go and tell them what you've told us.

 

she's loony, off balance, something's wrong with people that start screaming at work and then brag about , putting you in your place. your place is above her.

 

i think she's jealous of you and she hates that she has to come to you and ask you about what to do.

 

do not speak to her without a witness. say nothing. if she greets you, repeat back the exact greeting. nothing else.

 

she can't burn you with out fuel.

[Maddieandtae]

Kit I really feel for you, I had a very similar work experience. It was like walking through a minefield. I never knew when my co-worker was going to blow up. I did what Miss Clavel suggested and I think you should take her advice to heed. My co-worker used to yell at me when no one was around. I would tell my manager and I was told she couldn't do anything because she didn't see it happening. So I stopped being alone with her, there was one time when she thought we were alone and she started yelling than she realized someone could hear her (the president of our decision!!) and I tell you that was the beginning of her downfall. She cooked her own goose...

[Kit84]

Thank you everybody for your support. You cannot know how much it means to me and helped. Coworker is ignoring me now and I really don't mind. I am glad. I've had the oppurtunity to observe her one or twice and she really isn't a nice person. I definitely don't think I have to worry about me being a rude or mean person. I think she needs someone to pick on and as I am not letting it bother me now I am sure she will move one. I also think she is jealous to an extent. She is more beautiful than me but is a single mom and older with no love interests. She talks about it a lot. My mom told me that some women when nearing 40, beautiful, young looking women, start to really worry about aging. Add the fact that I am higher up than her at work, I could see maybe why she lashed out at me. We also both suffer health problems but I was able to take time off and always had the proper notes. She got in trouble for too many sick days. She talks about getting in trouble and not caring too. But in my experience a person who talks a lot about not caring actually really does care.

 

Thank you all again. I will let you know if she strikes again. But hopefully she will move on and leave me in peace.

[ChatroomHero]

I would mention something to HR, better to be on record and keep a consistent story than to be blindsided by her complaining about you over 4 months for things that never happened.

 

 

I am also of the opinion I do not let someone treat me like that. I believe it is better to be strong than weak. You don't have to get in to it with her but if she gives you a hard time a well placed, "What the f* did you just say to me?" will go a long way. You tell her she can lecture her kids, you are not her kid then walk away. Tell her you don't care how wrinkly she has gotten, you are there for work. Say your piece and walk away.

 

 

People pick on easy targets. She talked about you crying in the lunchroom to other co-workers, I guarantee she would not talk about you telling her she does have wrinkles. Instead she would probably go cry in the lunchroom herself.

 

 

It's not about starting a fight it's about her knowing where you stand when you tell her to f* off. It's not always easy to make yourself a hard target but it is really up to you to be strong and assert yourself. If you think it will make her act worse to you, guess what, be even stronger because it's your right to dictate how others treat you at work, not hers.