Asking How Much I Tipped and Calling me a Liar

[AugustSnow]

I went out to dinner with a co-worker Saturday. She paid her way and I paid my way. She asked me how much was I going it tip the waitress. I felt weird but told her and then we went our separate ways. I went to work yesterday and I find out that my co-worker is upset at me, saying I lied to her about how much I tipped, because she talked to the waitress after I left. We were supposed to hang out with each other Thanksgiving Day as we both didn't have plans, but she canceled that, saying that she changed her mind due to what happened Saturday. She believed that 20% was what she was supposed to have tipped, but I have always been taught to tip from 10%-15%. I told her that I underestimated how much I had at the time according to her 20% tip that she felt like I should have tipped the waitress. She then proceeded to tell me that she felt embarrassed that I lied, when I didn't...

 

I just felt like it really wasn't her business what I tipped, and besides, I never had anyone ask me a question like that before. Then she went on to talk about ethics and how that's how waiters make their money. I agree with that. I even went as far as to ask what can I do to make things right, and she told me to figure that out for herself and think about it. The problem is, I cannot read her mind. My thing is, if you are going to complain about something, at least provide some sort of solution, otherwise, it just looks like you are wanting to find something to complain about. Either way, I am very hurt because I was hoping we'd hang out Thanksgiving Day because I have no one to spend time with since I have lost my parents. I really would hate to be along for Thanksgiving, but I guess that's what is going to happen.

 

Aside from that, I have a question. Is it really any of her business how much I tipped? IS there really anything I could do to make things right with her? We DO have to work together just about everyday.

[basil67]

When I split a bill with friends, we usually discuss and agree on how much we want to tip and split that along with the meal.

 

I think she's over reacting. But by the same token, I don't see why you wouldn't have worked together on this. In short, I think you're both being a bit weird....but she's being a bit more weird than you.

[JewelD]

This seems like such a non-issue. She sounds like a very irritating person. I get that you don't want to be alone for Thanksgiving but don't be desperate. If she wants to be petty over a tip, let her go.

[AugustSnow]

When I split a bill with friends, we usually discuss and agree on how much we want to tip and split that along with the meal.

 

I think she's over reacting. But by the same token, I don't see why you wouldn't have worked together on this. In short, I think you're both being a bit weird....but she's being a bit more weird than you.

 

Thanks for the reply. How am I being weird? She paid for her own food, and I paid for mine. We had separate tickets.

[AugustSnow]

This seems like such a non-issue. She sounds like a very irritating person. I get that you don't want to be alone for Thanksgiving but don't be desperate. If she wants to be petty over a tip, let her go.

 

Thanks for your reply. I tried talking to her about it yesterday and she kept insisting I lied to her and she went on to say how "hurt" she was that I felt the need to "lie" to her...the last thing I wanted was drama for the holidays. She said she hated liars, and I have felt like she was doing her best to try and find some reason to label me as one. She went as far as to ask the waitress how much I tipped her after I left.

[LostOnes05]

Wow...she talked with the waitress about how much you tipped?! That's rather annoying. I hope you didn't tell her you put the toilet seat down...she might just check that too. Go see a movie and get some takeout.

[Els]

She isn't handling the issue well and is certainly being annoying.

 

That being said, where do you live? When I visited the US (California) for the first time, I did some research on how much to tip, since I come from a non-tipping country. The general consensus seemed to be that at least 15-20% was the right amount, with lesser amounts like 10% being reserved for poor service. That might be dependent on which state you are talking about though.

Edited November 16, 2016 by Elswyth

[Herbalist]

Sounds like she has something in her past that makes her hypervigilant/paranoid about people who lie, and then did the confirmation bias sort of thing.

 

Some people with emotional wounds find it more comfortable, a hurtful experience that they know, over a potentially positive experience that carries the suspense of uncertainty.

 

In cases like that it can be confusing if you are on the receiving end of it. Because while it seems like the situation makes them unhappy and you would think that they would want to talk it out and resolve it, in reality they will latch onto the negative situation because it is actually making them more comfortable. Like subconsciously.

 

This is how self-sabotage problems often work.

 

And it's not even entirely nonsensical, if you really think about it. If someone's bad early life experiences completely destroyed their ability to navigate the complexities of relationships, making them mostly blind to obvious red flags, then their best bet (second to therapy) after being burned enough times would be to develop a very hard-line stance. Sort of like.. if you must choose to have no shield, or a shield at 100% at all times, after getting hurt enough times or severely enough, having your shield at 100% at all times would look increasingly appealing.

 

But when all of this is said and done over something, like the situation you describe, beneath all of this defense is still a human being who still has instinctive desires for bonding with other human beings. So it's not unusual that they will come around again. Then you get to decide whether to accept or pass.

[basil67]

Thanks for the reply. How am I being weird? She paid for her own food, and I paid for mine. We had separate tickets.

 

Oh separate tickets? Sorry - I'm used to getting one bill and splitting it (different country/customs and all that) In that case, you're not weird. She is.

[clia]

Thanks for your reply. I tried talking to her about it yesterday and she kept insisting I lied to her and she went on to say how "hurt" she was that I felt the need to "lie" to her...the last thing I wanted was drama for the holidays. She said she hated liars, and I have felt like she was doing her best to try and find some reason to label me as one. She went as far as to ask the waitress how much I tipped her after I left.

 

Honestly, you dodged a bullet. She sounds completely insane. Why on Earth would she double check with the waitress how much you tipped? Nuts.

 

Look for a Meetup Group in your area that might be getting together on Thanksgiving for people who don't have anywhere to go. You'd be surprised how many people there are who find themselves in the situation where they aren't near family and friends on the holidays. Or just enjoy your day on your own. Some of the best Thanksgivings I've had were by myself where I just cooked whatever I wanted, decorated the Christmas tree, drank wine, and watched football all day by myself.

[anika99]

Your coworker is out of line. First it was none of her business how much you tipped, and then asking the server how much you tipped was just over the top. I don't think losing this coworker as a friend is a big loss.

 

Sorry you don't have family to spend thanksgiving with. Due to my work schedule I have had to spend the occasional holiday alone. It's not so bad, sometimes it's even nice. Do something self indulgent. Watch movies, read a good book, eat some treats that are usually off limits, etc. Spend the day pleasing yourself, or on the flip side you could volunteer somewhere. Lots of places serve dinner to the homeless and the needy and would welcome help.

 

Ignore your coworker going forward. You tried to work it out with her and she wasn't reasonable so just leave her be. If you have to interact with her at work then be pleasant and professional but don't look to her for friendship. If that's how she behaves then you don't need her. She has no respect for people's boundaries and if this incident hadn't taken place she would have found something else to judge you for. Something is wrong with her. Nobody likes to be lied to (not saying you lied) but normal people don't go out of their way to catch someone telling a small fib the way she did. Normal people don't take it upon themselves to lecture someone they only know casually on what their morals should be.

[ChatroomHero]

I would cut her out in a heartbeat. She was wrong to begin with and the whole, "you figure it out" thing was over the top. If she ever came back to you and asked if you figured it out I would reply, yeah, you're not someone I care to associate with.

 

 

I'd watch my back, my guess is at work she will start setting you up and making complaints. Me personally I would discuss with my supervisor to let that person know what went down simply so they can take any complaint about you from her and know where it is really coming from. People like that have no qualms jeopardizing your job and livelihood over nothing at all. Somehow she will think if you shorted (in her mind) a waitress $1.00 you deserve as much punishment as she can make happen. Ditch her and proactively protect yourself.

[GunslingerRoland]

If you get separate bills it is none of her business what you tipped. Of course if you are splitting up the bill, then you need to know how much other people are putting in. And never be the last person with the wrong people because you either have to be the ******* who asks for more money or put up for the shortfall...

[AugustSnow]

I would cut her out in a heartbeat. She was wrong to begin with and the whole, "you figure it out" thing was over the top. If she ever came back to you and asked if you figured it out I would reply, yeah, you're not someone I care to associate with.

 

 

I'd watch my back, my guess is at work she will start setting you up and making complaints. Me personally I would discuss with my supervisor to let that person know what went down simply so they can take any complaint about you from her and know where it is really coming from. People like that have no qualms jeopardizing your job and livelihood over nothing at all. Somehow she will think if you shorted (in her mind) a waitress $1.00 you deserve as much punishment as she can make happen. Ditch her and proactively protect yourself.

 

 

Thank you. I will definitely do that.

[AugustSnow]

I would cut her out in a heartbeat. She was wrong to begin with and the whole, "you figure it out" thing was over the top. If she ever came back to you and asked if you figured it out I would reply, yeah, you're not someone I care to associate with.

 

 

I'd watch my back, my guess is at work she will start setting you up and making complaints. Me personally I would discuss with my supervisor to let that person know what went down simply so they can take any complaint about you from her and know where it is really coming from. People like that have no qualms jeopardizing your job and livelihood over nothing at all. Somehow she will think if you shorted (in her mind) a waitress $1.00 you deserve as much punishment as she can make happen. Ditch her and proactively protect yourself.

 

 

The more I think about it, the more sense it makes that she could be doing that.

[Miss Peach]

Another person agreeing it's none of her business. It strange she's making suck a mountain out of a molehill. Either she's a bit crazy (asking the waitress) or lying herself. In any case I agree with the advice you're dodging a bullet. I could also see her drama has nothing to do with the meal.

[ChatroomHero]

The more I think about it, the more sense it makes that she could be doing that.

I'm sorry to hear that.

 

Tell your supervisor, tell him or her you are not saying its a problem but you feel her over the top attitude and what she said to you makes you feel she might have turned on you. Better to be proactive and mention it than to be called in 6 months from now to answer all kinds of complaints that suddenly came up over that 6 months. By time you get wind of anything it's usually too late to change minds or successfully plead your case.

 

This way if she starts problems at work, at least they will know the situation and be able to understand why new complaints are coming in that might seem unlike you bit over time they hear it enough they just kind of turn on you too.

[AugustSnow]

I'm sorry to hear that.

 

Tell your supervisor, tell him or her you are not saying its a problem but you feel her over the top attitude and what she said to you makes you feel she might have turned on you. Better to be proactive and mention it than to be called in 6 months from now to answer all kinds of complaints that suddenly came up over that 6 months. By time you get wind of anything it's usually too late to change minds or successfully plead your case.

 

This way if she starts problems at work, at least they will know the situation and be able to understand why new complaints are coming in that might seem unlike you bit over time they hear it enough they just kind of turn on you too.

 

 

So I talked to the upper management and told her what happened and explained to her that I wanted to be proactive. She told me that she has heard nothing but positive things about me and that I have excellent work ethic and that if she or anyone else were to make a complaint about me for some reason, then she wouldn't take that at face value but instead look at the work ethic that I have demonstrated. I am very thankful to work for an employer who is very supportive of employees.

 

As for the co-worker. She actually talked to me today and explained to me why she was disappointed. She explained that she thought we were friends and that I could tell her things, such as being more open with her about things, I guess with me not "having enough to tip the waitress" with that day and that I could have told her and that she felt a little hurt that I would keep that from her like that. I told her that she tends to have an over the top attitude which makes it hard for me to tell her things at times, and she softened up some, and said that she realizes that her and I are alike in a lot of ways which is why she likes to hang out with me. She said she never canceled Thanksgiving dinner, and that she was just upset that day and needed time to cool off. I am still keeping watch on things though because you never know anymore. I am still glad out of all of this, that the upper management has my back and knows and appreciates my work ethic, since recently the Director complimented me on my work ethic after a work meeting. Thanks everyone on here for your support as well. I am glad to know that I wasn't the one who was out of line.

[ChatroomHero]

Glad to hear it. Unfortunately if you continue a friendly relationship you will have to be on guard. Don't be surprised if something like that happens again. But glad you were able to resolve it.

[anika99]

So I talked to the upper management and told her what happened and explained to her that I wanted to be proactive. She told me that she has heard nothing but positive things about me and that I have excellent work ethic and that if she or anyone else were to make a complaint about me for some reason, then she wouldn't take that at face value but instead look at the work ethic that I have demonstrated. I am very thankful to work for an employer who is very supportive of employees.

 

As for the co-worker. She actually talked to me today and explained to me why she was disappointed. She explained that she thought we were friends and that I could tell her things, such as being more open with her about things, I guess with me not "having enough to tip the waitress" with that day and that I could have told her and that she felt a little hurt that I would keep that from her like that. I told her that she tends to have an over the top attitude which makes it hard for me to tell her things at times, and she softened up some, and said that she realizes that her and I are alike in a lot of ways which is why she likes to hang out with me. She said she never canceled Thanksgiving dinner, and that she was just upset that day and needed time to cool off. I am still keeping watch on things though because you never know anymore. I am still glad out of all of this, that the upper management has my back and knows and appreciates my work ethic, since recently the Director complimented me on my work ethic after a work meeting. Thanks everyone on here for your support as well. I am glad to know that I wasn't the one who was out of line.

 

Your coworker still sounds loony to me. People don't demand openness from their friends. That is something that develops over time, trust is earned. If anything her actions ensure people will be even less open and more guarded around her. As a matter of fact I would caution you to be careful around her and not to let her get too close.

[AugustSnow]

Glad to hear it. Unfortunately if you continue a friendly relationship you will have to be on guard. Don't be surprised if something like that happens again. But glad you were able to resolve it.

 

I am on guard after that. For sure. She told me to be direct with her, so the next time she wants to know something and if I don't want to tell her, I will simply not tell her.

[spideywoman]

So I talked to the upper management and told her what happened and explained to her that I wanted to be proactive. She told me that she has heard nothing but positive things about me and that I have excellent work ethic and that if she or anyone else were to make a complaint about me for some reason, then she wouldn't take that at face value but instead look at the work ethic that I have demonstrated. I am very thankful to work for an employer who is very supportive of employees.

 

As for the co-worker. She actually talked to me today and explained to me why she was disappointed. She explained that she thought we were friends and that I could tell her things, such as being more open with her about things, I guess with me not "having enough to tip the waitress" with that day and that I could have told her and that she felt a little hurt that I would keep that from her like that. I told her that she tends to have an over the top attitude which makes it hard for me to tell her things at times, and she softened up some, and said that she realizes that her and I are alike in a lot of ways which is why she likes to hang out with me. She said she never canceled Thanksgiving dinner, and that she was just upset that day and needed time to cool off. I am still keeping watch on things though because you never know anymore. I am still glad out of all of this, that the upper management has my back and knows and appreciates my work ethic, since recently the Director complimented me on my work ethic after a work meeting. Thanks everyone on here for your support as well. I am glad to know that I wasn't the one who was out of line.

 

Hi August. Out of curiosity, did you tell your friend you went to management proactively? (If you've addressed this, sorry about that, I missed it.) While you can expect a certain degree of confidentiality in conversations between you and management, if somehow this gets out I'm afraid she'll have yet another and far more hysterical reaction. I am glad you've buried the hatchet so to speak and are on more comfortable terms. You're wise to continue to be vigilant, it's the smart thing to do.

 

And great news on the positive feedback at work _ employers tend to overlook the importance of recognition in the workplace.

[Poe77]

I went out to dinner with a co-worker Saturday. She paid her way and I paid my way. She asked me how much was I going it tip the waitress. I felt weird but told her and then we went our separate ways. I went to work yesterday and I find out that my co-worker is upset at me, saying I lied to her about how much I tipped, because she talked to the waitress after I left. We were supposed to hang out with each other Thanksgiving Day as we both didn't have plans, but she canceled that, saying that she changed her mind due to what happened Saturday. She believed that 20% was what she was supposed to have tipped, but I have always been taught to tip from 10%-15%. I told her that I underestimated how much I had at the time according to her 20% tip that she felt like I should have tipped the waitress. She then proceeded to tell me that she felt embarrassed that I lied, when I didn't...

 

I just felt like it really wasn't her business what I tipped, and besides, I never had anyone ask me a question like that before. Then she went on to talk about ethics and how that's how waiters make their money. I agree with that. I even went as far as to ask what can I do to make things right, and she told me to figure that out for herself and think about it. The problem is, I cannot read her mind. My thing is, if you are going to complain about something, at least provide some sort of solution, otherwise, it just looks like you are wanting to find something to complain about. Either way, I am very hurt because I was hoping we'd hang out Thanksgiving Day because I have no one to spend time with since I have lost my parents. I really would hate to be along for Thanksgiving, but I guess that's what is going to happen.

 

Aside from that, I have a question. Is it really any of her business how much I tipped? IS there really anything I could do to make things right with her? We DO have to work together just about everyday.

 

This kinda reminds me of my friend she would never tip anyone ever no matter how much out of their way they went to serve her we once took a cab home from the store she asked the dude if he wouldn't mind stopping at a shop so she could "grab something real quick" I cringed cause I know how her real quick trips go and true to form she took around 15-25 mins making her selections..

 

I then had to make one quick stop on the way home too drop my rent off kinda important and it was literally slipping a envelope in a door slot..all total the guy made 2 extra stops I told my friend before we ever left the house ill pay the cab fares you cover his tips? cause I knew we would have to tip a bit as its only polite she said sure..!

 

I thought ok cool we got a plan we are good..so we get home I pay him the full fare and guess what? my friend tries to walk away with out tipping him anything...my mouth hit the floor and I was so embarrassed I said to her loud enough so everyone could hear it "SO YOU GOT THE TIP" ..she got pissed but that was the deal and if I hadn't spoken up then she was quite happy to walk away and be a cheap jerk she was also mad at me and I got the lecture on how "she doesn't make that much to tip" I was like well then dont take a cab and walk...

 

OP im not saying your a cheap jerk it sounds like you gave them something.. but the morel of the story is tipping is indeed a ediquate thing in the USA and I know how it feels to be embarrassed when the other people in your group flake on that..I think maybe your friend is going a little off the deep end at this point but she might have a point a bit..

 

My general rule is I at least give a extra 2 bucks in round town cab rides unless he really goes out of his way then I will give extra on top of that..when im at a restaurant and the service was decent I always give a little more then just the required percentage cause I know they just about do honestly work for tips most of the time if I cant then I wont go out to eat or I will get my food to go.. hair cuts always get a extra 5 bucks unless it was really poorly done..

[AugustSnow]

Hi August. Out of curiosity, did you tell your friend you went to management proactively? (If you've addressed this, sorry about that, I missed it.) While you can expect a certain degree of confidentiality in conversations between you and management, if somehow this gets out I'm afraid she'll have yet another and far more hysterical reaction. I am glad you've buried the hatchet so to speak and are on more comfortable terms. You're wise to continue to be vigilant, it's the smart thing to do.

 

And great news on the positive feedback at work _ employers tend to overlook the importance of recognition in the workplace.

 

Hi. Thanks for your reply. I didn't tell her. I don't want to tell her EVERYTHING. That would cause more tension if I did, I'm sure. The most important thing is the upper management is aware and I know for sure she has my back if for some reason her or someone else tries to complain about me.

[JewelD]

That is a ridiculous explanation she gave. All that drama and she still expected you guys to have Thanksgiving dinner together?

 

I wouldn't have told the management about it, but since you did, continuing the friendship looks weird. If you felt strongly enough about the situation to complain to them, then the Friendship needs to be over.

 

I'm sure the situation will repeat itself eventually when you don't tell her something she thought she deserved to know.