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Unwanted Advances at Work


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I have another situation where a man is coming onto me at work. I have turned down his advances and told him no several times.

 

He's now showing up when I get to work, when I use the gym, etc. Always when I'm alone. I have even tried varying my routine and he's still there.

 

The issue with this specific situation that I haven't encountered before is this man doesn't work for my company. Instead he works for a company separate from mine who has a contract with the area around me for maintenance. I also don't have the guy's name. So I wouldn't have any idea how to report this even if I tried.

 

I tried talking to my BF about this and he just told me 'Let me know if there's anything I can do to help'. I tried talking to a few male coworkers that I'm close to and got some ideas but I'm not convinced any of them would work. I'm not sure what to do next.

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You report it to your boss and they will have to find out who the company is and make the complaint. Even if you don't know his name, they can talk to all that work there. It's creepy, so tell your boss.

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With technology being what it is today, it shouldn't be too hard to find out who he is and who he works for. Maybe also go with a more firm turndown "F-Off,ya freak",ect..

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major_merrick

In a situation like this, never be afraid to be rude. I have problems similar to this sometimes, because I work in a nearly all-male technical field. It just plain stinks when they don't listen to a very clear "No!"

 

What's always worked for me is getting my "violent crazy" on. You don't actually have to hurt anybody or make threats, and I wouldn't advise that because it could be illegal. The idea is to leave no doubt in his mind that you CAN and WILL. It's an attitude/demeanor thing, and kind of hard to describe, but I hope you get the point.

 

I take it from your description that a lot of this is happening outside of work hours. You can report it to the police, file harassment charges, whatever. Next time he shows up, take his picture and tell him it is going to the police. Take it to the next level and get mean if you need to.

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In a situation like this, never be afraid to be rude. I have problems similar to this sometimes, because I work in a nearly all-male technical field. It just plain stinks when they don't listen to a very clear "No!"

 

What's always worked for me is getting my "violent crazy" on. You don't actually have to hurt anybody or make threats, and I wouldn't advise that because it could be illegal. The idea is to leave no doubt in his mind that you CAN and WILL. It's an attitude/demeanor thing, and kind of hard to describe, but I hope you get the point.

 

I take it from your description that a lot of this is happening outside of work hours. You can report it to the police, file harassment charges, whatever. Next time he shows up, take his picture and tell him it is going to the police. Take it to the next level and get mean if you need to.

 

That's similar to the approach I used to take in the old days. I was in a business where there weren't many women and a lot of obnoxious guys who felt they could say anything to a woman (it was pre Anita Hill). Anyway, if they would come right out and proposition me, like "Let's go ____," or something like that, I would look them up and down like I was sizing them up and then say, with kind of a sadistic glint, "Nah, you wouldn't like it." Used to scare them to death.

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So I take it this is a maintenance guy who shows up in places ostensibly to do maintenance while you happen to be there? And the gym - work gym? If not that's a while diff ballgame.

 

Can you get his license plate number by any chance? Sorry to pepper you w questions lol, just gathering prelim info. :)

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This is more like stalking l. Make it clear to him to leave you alone or you will get law enforcement involved and file a complaint.

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I work in tech too so I am used to being the only woman and having the men make comments like that. I just dish it right back and we all laugh about it. So I really don't have much trouble being cheeky like that.

 

Yes this guy is a maintenance guy for a big office campus (there are many workers). He seems to have figured out my schedule and appears whenever I am somewhere and alone. If someone is there he doesn't come out. He'll show up in the work gym when I'm working out or when I'm leaving the locker room, be near my car when I arrive and lunch, pop out of stairwells, call the elevator when I'm in it, etc. Not sure how he is getting any work done. He has access to the 'community' type areas; not my actual office.

 

I have already tried varying my schedule and he still shows up. I have also started parking closer to the building so I can get into the stairs and elevator quickly and take both inconsistently. Once I get up the first floor I badge in and then take internal routes the rest of the way (he has no access to inside my office).

 

I've also mentioned it to two of my (male) coworkers in my department who I am closer with. One is from his country (Mexico). Their suggestion was since I didn't know his name was to tell it to the guy who does maintenance for our building (who is employed by my company) and see if he can pass it on to the other maintenance company.

 

He doesn't speak English very well. I don't speak his language too well but I speak one close enough I can figure it out most of the time. Though no does mean no in his language. I have turned down date requests. Told him no many times. Gave him the cheek, pushed him away, and said no when he tried to kiss me, etc.

Edited by Miss Peach
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You've had to physically push him away and avoid actual kisses? Peaches, that's borderline sexual assault.

 

This is what you need to do: go speak to your immediate supervisor where you work and tell them that a member of the campus maintenance company staff is harassing you. Explain all the details. They should then take it from there and make the necessary inquiries w the maintenance company to attempt to identify him. You may have to visually ID him yourself.

 

If that somehow goes nowhere (I can't fathom how it wouldn't but if so), you need to go to the police and make the same complaint.

 

This is serious business Peaches and you have to deal w it accordingly. It's not your responsibility to make sure this guy doesn't lose his job or anything like that, it's his responsibility not to harass ppl and/or commit crimes during the course of carrying out his work duties. Don't allow yourself to be made to live this way where you're hiding and taking sneaky routes and all that - whether you realize it or not it's affecting your quality of life and you shouldn't and don't have to tolerate that.

 

I'll also add I don't like the sound of all this in terms of rape potential, frankly. I think you're at significant risk here, so please take action to protect yourself. :)

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Yeah I'm with Jen on this.

 

The "having to push him away" part and the "he knows every single detail of your schedule" part are both very scary. This is so much more than just a creepy guy who has the hots for you (which is bad enough as it is).

 

I cannot imagine that your company would ignore this once you make an official complaint. Even if it's just for liability reasons, they cannot let this go unaddressed. At this point, you need help, whether if be from office bigwigs and office security, or the police.

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Your work has "campus" security in and around your building right? REPORT TODAY. If not...at this point...POLICE.

I feel like you seem really casual about the way you are relaying this ie. told a few coworkers, changed my schedule. You need to take actions that ELIMINATE this situation, it's gone on long enough and you shouldn't be taking all these efforts to protect yourself, you need someone with the power to end this stalking, it's not enough to make a few mild adjustments hoping it will just end, you don't know the guys criminal background and history so step up the level of reporting these things .

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I agree you need to do something about it right away. If he is pushing himself on you physically, hell, call the police! Because no one else may do anything except tell him to leave you alone but he'll still be there and might follow you home if he hasn't already.

 

I had this Mexican mafia older guy become a real problem the year I worked at an auto dealership, no less. He directed all the other Hispanics there and they worked on his behalf and were always tricking me into riding the parking lot golf carts with them, which yes, you do share if someone else wants to go with, and then they went so far as to actually deliver me to him one day! I knew he was after me, mainly because he'd stare and stuff but then have the other guys telling me that. When I got mad and reported him, which I think I did to the HR number, then he tried to arrange it so I could (how petty) never get my hands on a golf cart, at which time I went to the manager (who was pretty sexist himself, which is why I went to HR) and just told him he was mad because I wouldn't be his girlfriend and trying to keep me from using a golfcart now, and he put a stop to it, but I had one of his minions actually tell me he was kind of powerful and I was kind of scared for awhile that he'd find out where I lived. They also wrote in Spanish on the temporary license plate you put in a car for a test drive and someone finally told me they'd written that I was a prostitute in Spanish on it.

 

I'd always been able to handle situations myself too, but that one kind of scared me because it would have been so easy to follow me home. So please take care of this and don't pull punches. Please realize that rejecting someone who is deluded or off in the head may only turn them on more and make them more determined.

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P.S., if you want to PM me and give me a good description of the guy and the contact info for your company and have me do an anonymous complain on him for you, I'd be happy to. But I do like the idea of trying to get his tag number. But you shouldn't be afraid to do it yourself. We have laws to protect us nowadays.

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major_merrick

If he has touched you or attempted to kiss you, that is assault territory! At that point, I would not hesitate to act in self defense. Remember the old self-defense technique "SING," which stands for:

 

Solar plexus, Instep (foot), Nose, Groin. You may have to use it. And carry some sort of pepper spray or self-defense item, whether or not your job allows it. Your life and health are worth more than a paycheck.

 

This is sounding very rape-y, and you'd better take action immediately. I don't care if he's from another culture/language group where that's acceptable. In fact, that makes it doubly risky and obnoxious. Take every measure to protect yourself, because this is not going away until you do something about it. Tell your boss, tell the police, tell your family/friends. Let everyone know what is going on. Take photos of the guy. Get his prints by handing him something and taking him back. You need to get backup, evidence, whatever in case this stuff goes south. And by all means, for the love of God, find a way to get this guy fired.

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I do agree with you guys but I'm trying to figure out the most effective way to report this.

 

The company has a pretty large Hispanic workforce in this area. Calling in a complaint about a Hispanic guy whose name I don't know won't do a lot of help because they are very similar in their physical descriptions and there are many guys working around here. I plan to find out who the employer of them is and call in a complaint first. They maintain the grounds of a large area so that's partly why I don't know who hires them or the company name. It's not my company. They don't seem to park cars here so I don't know what the guy's car looks like or anything like that.

 

This is why I was leaning towards approaching our internal maintenance guy as he should be able to give me some information about who employs these guys and such. Going through their office first I would think would be more productive. I talked to him and he's going to make a complain with them for me. Though I still need to watch out over this next week or so in case he acts up or escalates.

 

I don't care if he's from another culture/language group where that's acceptable.

 

The reason I mentioned he was from Mexico was because I knew someone who used to sell in Mexico. I remember several stories he told me about the men there and how they think no means pursue a woman harder. I don't mean to apply I was going to excuse him. I was hoping if anyone had any insight to what women there do/say in this situation in Mexico I would like to try that too before getting more drastic such as getting violent or bringing in the police. It may be more effective to give him the brush off he's used to.

Edited by Miss Peach
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Ever thought about just snapping his photo with your smartphone. For one thing, if he saw you, it might scare him. Or not. But then you'd have a photo.

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I worked with someone in my company who interfaces with the companies on-site here to identify him. The company he worked for supposedly talked to him but he was waiting for me to come into work this morning. When I saw him in the parking lot I backed my car into reverse and was going to park somewhere else.

 

One of my coworkers who I had told was leaving for a smoking break and saw the whole thing and also reported it. We talked about it today and he told me that the guy was 'hunting'. He was just sitting there waiting for me. It's gone up pretty high in my company and they are going to put more pressure on the other company to keep him away from our building.

 

We'll see how this plays out but so far not too well. I'm making sure there's someone around now when I leave the building. Luckily he doesn't have access to my work area.

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On a different topic I've been a little disappointed at my BF's response to this. (Been dating 15 months.) He simply said 'Let me know if you need anything'. My coworkers have offered to escort me, one guy gave me the number to campus security, my friends are texting me to make sure I'm safe when I get to work, one friend offered to talk to him in Spanish for me, etc. I guess I was hoping he would give me some advice or make sure I was OK or something.

 

How did that come about Peaches?

 

I reported him to the guy at my company who has the relationship with out property manager. I also told my boss. One of my coworkers also reported it to the guy who isn't my boss. Doesn't look like it did much since we was waiting for me this morning. I told the guy who was handling it plus my boss about it. The guy who witnessed the guy waiting for me told my boss since we work in the same department. My boss is pretty high up and they seem to be taking it very seriously.

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I reported him to the guy at my company who has the relationship with out property manager. I also told my boss. One of my coworkers also reported it to the guy who isn't my boss. Doesn't look like it did much since we was waiting for me this morning. I told the guy who was handling it plus my boss about it. The guy who witnessed the guy waiting for me told my boss since we work in the same department. My boss is pretty high up and they seem to be taking it very seriously.

 

Ok good. (Good that you ran it up the chain, not that it's not resolved yet.) At this point tho you have to take the lack of practical action as unacceptable, as well as continue to aggressively report anymore incidents like him waiting for you when you get to work. At the very least it's incumbent upon your employer to provide for its employees' basic safety, and right now they're not doing that sufficiently. I don't want you to get into a tangle w work on top of everything else but you really can't accept 'general danger' as a basic living condition, so pls insist they do sth about it, and if they refuse or say their hands are tied or w/e, file a complaint w the police instead.

 

Anything less and this creeper will just continue to keep you on the defensive.

 

On a different topic I've been a little disappointed at my BF's response to this.

 

I don't mean to pile on but when I first read that I was disappointed too. :-/

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I worked with someone in my company who interfaces with the companies on-site here to identify him. The company he worked for supposedly talked to him but he was waiting for me to come into work this morning. When I saw him in the parking lot I backed my car into reverse and was going to park somewhere else.

 

One of my coworkers who I had told was leaving for a smoking break and saw the whole thing and also reported it. We talked about it today and he told me that the guy was 'hunting'. He was just sitting there waiting for me. It's gone up pretty high in my company and they are going to put more pressure on the other company to keep him away from our building.

 

We'll see how this plays out but so far not too well. I'm making sure there's someone around now when I leave the building. Luckily he doesn't have access to my work area.

 

If they can't contain him, it's time to call the police.

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On a different topic I've been a little disappointed at my BF's response to this. (Been dating 15 months.) He simply said 'Let me know if you need anything'. My coworkers have offered to escort me, one guy gave me the number to campus security, my friends are texting me to make sure I'm safe when I get to work, one friend offered to talk to him in Spanish for me, etc. I guess I was hoping he would give me some advice or make sure I was OK or something.

 

 

 

I reported him to the guy at my company who has the relationship with out property manager. I also told my boss. One of my coworkers also reported it to the guy who isn't my boss. Doesn't look like it did much since we was waiting for me this morning. I told the guy who was handling it plus my boss about it. The guy who witnessed the guy waiting for me told my boss since we work in the same department. My boss is pretty high up and they seem to be taking it very seriously.

 

Your bf doesn't want to think he needs to go fight him, probably. But he should come see you home and to work for awhile.

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I don't want you to get into a tangle w work on top of everything else but you really can't accept 'general danger' as a basic living condition, so pls insist they do sth about it, and if they refuse or say their hands are tied or w/e, file a complaint w the police instead.

 

Anything less and this creeper will just continue to keep you on the defensive.

 

Totally agree. They do seem to be taking it seriously and have told me some of the things they plan to do. The good news is previously he has gone to other places like to work gym or when I go to lunch. I didn't see him this time.

 

The coworker who reported him this morning told me 'he looked like he was hunting' so I'll continue to keep my eyes open and go in populated areas as much as possible.

 

I don't mean to pile on but when I first read that I was disappointed too. :-/

 

Thanks for the confirmation. He's usually good in so many areas but in some he really sucks. I work in an all male department in a male dominated industry. It just sucks when your coworkers do more for you than your BF in a situation like this.

 

Your bf doesn't want to think he needs to go fight him, probably. But he should come see you home and to work for awhile.

 

I don't want him to go fight the guy or anything. But I would have felt better if he did something. Even if it was just text me to make sure I got into work OK. My ex bought me pepper spray back when we were dating because he wanted to make sure I was safe.

Edited by Miss Peach
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On a different topic I've been a little disappointed at my BF's response to this. (Been dating 15 months.) He simply said 'Let me know if you need anything'. My coworkers have offered to escort me, one guy gave me the number to campus security, my friends are texting me to make sure I'm safe when I get to work, one friend offered to talk to him in Spanish for me, etc. I guess I was hoping he would give me some advice or make sure I was OK or something.

 

I've come across a lot of your posts and my perception of you is that you're an amazing GF. You seem extremely nice. You accomodate your BF and are very considerate of his feelings. You not only consider his feelings but seem to put effort in to understanding where he comes from on certain matters even though his views may not totally align with yours. It's really disappointing to read that he has not shown you as much care as you might have anticipated with regard to this issue you're having at work.

 

I'd probably talk to him about it. If it's going to bother you, it'd be better to not bottle up. I'm almost certain he'd get defensive, but know that people can get like that even when they realize they screwed up somewhere. So don't think that just because he gets defensive it does not mean he won't reflect on it after the discussion and realize he came up short here. I think the key is to express that you felt that his level of concern did not match up with how scared you felt. If you do talk to him about it, I'd probably leave the fact that your coworkers expressed more concern out of it. He probably won't respond well to being compared. Just make it about you and him. I know you did not ask for this advice, but bottling it up may not be the best thing.

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