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I Feel Like Someone Pooped In My Hands


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dreamingoftigers

For months now, there have been little signs and questions marks floating around the small office I work at that my boss was behaving somewhat suspiciously regarding his marriage.

 

This has put me in an extremely unsettling position.

I have known his wife and him for close to a decade. I would call his wife a friend, she routinely confides in me. I have confided in her when my husband and I separated. It did not look like we would be getting back together.

 

Initially, when I met them, she was my client, and after she was my client, we became friends. Not super- close, more like church and social acquaintances.

 

My husband began working in the office with her husband two years ago. When he left (slipped a disc) I took over his position.

 

Anyhow, today, after completing more of the bookwork, there arose relatively unmistakeable proof. He's been seeking to step out on her. I can't confirm 110% that he has. But he definitely has left too much info on his computer. In fact, I don't WANT TO KNOW. I wish I didn't find out any of it. I know that they've been fighting over his frequent absences (and there's been a lot of other activity too). There was also a hotel room receipt when she was in the hospital. There's more but honestly, I don't want to "out myself."

 

Normally, if I was family, or able to reveal what I knew to the BS, I would, without a doubt.

 

The thing that compounds it for me is that I WORK THERE. In the home office. I am also close to seven months pregnant working toward maternity leave.

 

I don't feel like going back to work now. I don't feel like being social with his wife knowing this dirty laundry, and being complicit to it. It really feels like my discovery was clearly due to his stupidity, sloppiness or just plain arrogance. I feel like I got dragged into something icky that makes my hands dirty. Like Pooped on.

 

Furthermore, he gets really hypocritical about Church stuff. I also know that he lost his first marriage to adultery and even had to get re-baptized. His wife is 20 years his junior. He mentioned to my husband that "wealth entitled him to certain things":sick: And he has a real thing for the show Sister Wives. I used to laugh at him and say, " so when are you going to start your own series called Brother Husbands." He really didn't appreciate that. Some people just can't take what they dish out.

 

I think I just want to quit, at this point it will damage my career. I've made some important connections I can build on and I'm reluctant to jeopardize that. Ugh. It's bothered me all day. I feel kinda sick. I'm even a little worried I might say something stupid that would tip him off that I know. Or I'm worried I might get fired anyway if he figures out that I know. Some cheaters will burn down the Earth before they risk being outed. I also don't want to give him the impression he gets a 'thumbs up' from me.

 

The hypocrisy really annoys me. I swear, the moral platitudes this guy comes out with.......

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Because he is your boss, stay out of it. Sucks that you know and the suspicions are there, plus you being 7 months pregnant (congrats!!! don't know how I missed this?!) doesn't help and you don't need the extra stress. Just quietly see what else is out there job wise. Don't discuss his personal situation with anybody, not even your H. I know most would advise to tell because you know his wife but seeing as he's your boss and you stepped in your H's job when he was unable to work you're in a tough spot. Do your best to just focus on the job, as soon as your work is done, get out of the office!

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dreamingoftigers
Because he is your boss, stay out of it. Sucks that you know and the suspicions are there, plus you being 7 months pregnant (congrats!!! don't know how I missed this?!) doesn't help and you don't need the extra stress. Just quietly see what else is out there job wise. Don't discuss his personal situation with anybody, not even your H. I know most would advise to tell because you know his wife but seeing as he's your boss and you stepped in your H's job when he was unable to work you're in a tough spot. Do your best to just focus on the job, as soon as your work is done, get out of the office!

 

No I'm not getting into it. But I hate that. It 'feels' wrong on a big level (as a BS I would've wanted to know) but I know damn well there's too many complications. Ugh.

 

My H already knows. We talked about it together before. He actually brought it to me before with the "I wonder what this is about, do you think?....." And I said, "uh, maybe." I'll be honest, we're a couple of nosy bastards. Not like "snoopy" but just, we share gossip with each other. Yes, my husband and I are a pair of old ladies. We like it. It works for us.

 

Husband has told me plainly that he is fine even if I decided to tell her. He is working on building his business, so he's not looking to return (except for certain projects) to the office anyhow. He doesn't prefer that I do, but he supports me either way and is not a fan of my boss' actions. (Especially the hypocrisy). I would always discuss career and relationship changes and choices with him first anyhow. Our family needs this job right now. That trumps this situation regardless. I just don't like it because I know the Hell his wife has been through the last six months (severe health issues). And like I said, I now feel very much like an accessory-after-the-fact. I have to see her every work day. That stinks.

 

It was all was "okay, could be this or not.....whatever" but today was final proof. Which bugs me. As long as I had some deniability to myself, I was okay with it. Now I don't want to sit across from his wife at dinner next week and talk cutesie about baby stuff.

 

I just want out of the office now. I wish his wife was more on top of that stuff. I didn't have to "dig." If she was down in the office, she would have likely found it. I guess the best way to describe it is I'm really turned off about continuing my work there. I dont want to hear any more windbagging from him about what a great family guy he is. I never really liked the idea of "working for friends" anyway. Such a terrible idea.

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dreamingoftigers

I'll be honest, it triggers me because some years ago I discovered my father's affair before my mother knew.

 

Talk about uncomfortable! And this just feels like the same garbage. Stupid people cheating and stuff!

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He does sound like quite a creep.

 

 

I think it's very hard for someone to keep a secret like that from their spouse for long. All it takes is for her to become suspicious and start poking around a bit. I think we tend to be so used to our spouses' little habits that it doesn't take many little things out of the ordinary for us to take notice.

 

 

So I think it's likely that she already knows. And even if you did tell her, it might just humiliate her because in a way that's huge outside pressure to confront it when she may not be ready to.

 

I'd stop socializing with them because you know, yuck. You don't need to be in that toxic mess right now. Good luck.

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d of t,

As others have said you need to stay out of this.

 

 

Despite what this guy does he's still your boss.

 

 

I would make a staged withdrawal out of the social situation and just keep it all very professional.

 

 

If it really sticks in your craw that much you could start polishing your resume/CV......

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Bets course of action:

 

 

Gather evidence till you go on maternity leave.

 

 

Once on leave then tell the BW and give her the evidence.

 

 

Do not go back to work there and look for a new job when you are ready to go back to work.

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GunslingerRoland

I think you have to disconnect yourself from the situation a little bit.

 

 

Are his work values and the companies work values still in line with your work values? That is what's really important at work. You are never going to have the same personal moral code as everyone you work with. It's unfortunate that you've become so close to them to have this happen. But this is clearly information you've stumbled across as part of your job, that you should not be divulging to her.

 

 

Like you said, you're going on maternity leave, that gives you a full year to think about your options. Apply for another job. Maybe squeeze in some online training if applicable.

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dreamingoftigers
He does sound like quite a creep.

 

 

I think it's very hard for someone to keep a secret like that from their spouse for long. All it takes is for her to become suspicious and start poking around a bit. I think we tend to be so used to our spouses' little habits that it doesn't take many little things out of the ordinary for us to take notice.

 

 

So I think it's likely that she already knows. And even if you did tell her, it might just humiliate her because in a way that's huge outside pressure to confront it when she may not be ready to.

 

I'd stop socializing with them because you know, yuck. You don't need to be in that toxic mess right now. Good luck.

 

To be honest, I think he's been doing this right the whole way from the beginning. There's nothing "out of the ordinary" enough for her to notice. And frankly, with the health issues she has, she's not going to "poke around" down there. I suspect that's part of why he's so blatant.

 

Trust me, this woman doesn't know.

 

And yes, I don't need the toxicity. The office is way too small to get lost in.

 

I hate it. I am going on leave and looking for something else.

 

I'm going to decide more what to do at that point.

 

Ugh. I just remembered when the Ashley Madison back happened he was like "so excited" about how "all those people deserve everything that's coming to them." He went really on and on and on about it.

 

I thought it was a little weird then, given his history. I mean this guy so thoroughly prides himself on "attention to detail" etc. He's just another sloppy adulterer.

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dreamingoftigers
d of t,

As others have said you need to stay out of this.

 

 

Despite what this guy does he's still your boss.

 

 

I would make a staged withdrawal out of the social situation and just keep it all very professional.

 

 

If it really sticks in your craw that much you could start polishing your resume/CV......

 

Yeah I really want out of there.

I do cleaning for them and everything too.

I don't really like how involved / enmeshed the circumstance is anyhow. Like I know too much other stuff too, but that hasn't bothered me so much before.

 

I have work-related courses I can take on mat leave.

 

I was already looking a little outside anyhow. A lot if the things that were promised in the beginning haven't come to fruition. But I have A LOT of flexibility with this job, which has been pretty awesome. I won't be able to replace that. The other problem is that the market is very depressed right now here. I mean "great for buyers" but not generally great for realtors. And that generally means they aren't hiring. In fact one of the big brokerages went under a couple of months ago.

 

It circumstances were different I would go back to school. But with a baby on the way in May, that's not going to happen.

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He sounds disgusting. I think your friend, his wife, would just have to understand that you can't risk your job to enlighten her. C'mon, she's married to him and she's got eyes and ears and is capable of doing the research herself IF she wants to know. So just stay out of it completely and ignore it. Since he has such a high opinion of women, it will not occur to him that you are smart enough to figure it out.

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dreamingoftigers
He sounds disgusting. I think your friend, his wife, would just have to understand that you can't risk your job to enlighten her. C'mon, she's married to him and she's got eyes and ears and is capable of doing the research herself IF she wants to know. So just stay out of it completely and ignore it. Since he has such a high opinion of women, it will not occur to him that you are smart enough to figure it out.

 

That's true.

 

My experience working in the office has shown how misogynistic he is.

 

My husband and I have proposed many of the same ideas. He listens to my husband and not me.

 

Also, my husband and I have a different domestic arrangement. My H is more stay-at-home and I'm more "go to work" although we share both to a point.

 

He doesn't take me as seriously, which shows up a lot.

I chalked it up to his age.

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I'm sorry to hear. But in the first post ie I was not "getting" why were you so bothered by all this... probably because I never been through something like this. See, I think this whole story is more about how you feel about it than the guy per se. With all due respect, something to think about / work through with a therapist maybe? Hugs.

 

I'll be honest, it triggers me because some years ago I discovered my father's affair before my mother knew.

 

Talk about uncomfortable! And this just feels like the same garbage. Stupid people cheating and stuff!

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dreamingoftigers
I'm sorry to hear. But in the first post ie I was not "getting" why were you so bothered by all this... probably because I never been through something like this. See, I think this whole story is more about how you feel about it than the guy per se. With all due respect, something to think about / work through with a therapist maybe? Hugs.

 

There's a few reasons why this sucks:

 

1. He's not my corporate boss in some office downtown. I work in their home a sizeable chunk of the time. I'm also not "qualified" to do so, so replacing this will be difficult. But anyhow, I see his wife almost EVERY DAY. We talk almost everyday.

 

2. I get to hear her make simple requests around the home and sometimes he just really chews her out. It just disgusts me. Her health has been very poor and the contempt he has for it is thick. He very much resents marrying a younger woman and having her be unhealthy. He also is just very demeaning to get about stupid stuff like driving her own van after dark. I've heard such comments as "this marriage is a team, and I'm the Captain. If you don't like it, you're off the team." This has been a relatively recent development. He's been much more blatant. Sometimes I just feel like blurting out, "you know he's cheating on you, right. There's some stuff in x file and there's y stuff on the computer. You don't have to put up with this garbage another minute. Even by our religion you'd be free to go." I believe that she would go. Of that I have very little doubt.

 

3. The longer I work there, the more distracted be is and the less management he does. The last six months have been such low productivity in a market that REQUIRES a lot of groundwork, it is completely demoralizing. He's completely dropped the ball and frankly, I think a lot of it is due to chasing tail.

 

4. In my experience, cheaters of his ilk will burn their own house down to avoid being caught. So if he even suspects that I know, he will probably fire me. My job isn't safe.

 

5. I did see my mother go through the same garbage. And it's complete BS. Totally unfair and very psychologically damaging. I also have been cheated on by my husband and just find the whole thing so repugnant. Plus I feel as though I've been made "complicit after the fact."

 

I've already decided to finish some more courses when I get on Mat leave and look for something else before my leave is done. At the very least I need out of there. I don't feel very motivated to refer people to him anymore. His overall quality of work has suffered as well and at least a few times a week I get calls about x,y or z being way behind from the other side of the business. Things I can't do without him giving me instruction or at least okaying it.

 

The correspondence of this nature goes back at least a year, but the escalation of activities is more since Julyish, and he's just wasting my time on top of being a total jerk to his wife and stepchild. While trying to play church hypocrite. Barely anything useful has gotten done since July. Even the Christmas calendars only went out last week because he kept delaying them being dropped off. That's like the smallest thing to do, but he kept saying "oh no, we need to do X, its more important." Then he'd put off doing X too. I was honestly wondering wtf was going to happen anyhow. But now its pretty obvious.

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That's true.

 

My experience working in the office has shown how misogynistic he is.

 

My husband and I have proposed many of the same ideas. He listens to my husband and not me.

 

Also, my husband and I have a different domestic arrangement. My H is more stay-at-home and I'm more "go to work" although we share both to a point.

 

He doesn't take me as seriously, which shows up a lot.

I chalked it up to his age.

 

Nope, it's not his age. I'm old. It's just him. I was sales manager years ago and had one big client who was such a jerk, and he was younger than me. He was a little short guy with a minor physical deformity in a powerful position for no reason I could see. Actually, he wasn't the least bit qualified to be doing what he did since he didn't know the product. I thought of him as Little Napoleon because he was such a jerk to women. He would barely speak to me. If you were a woman, the only way to get him to be civil to you is if you just kissed his butt for no reason. He'd defer to any man around. I'm sure it was just a defense because of his physicality that he had anger and bitterness toward women. So they come in all shapes and sizes and ages.

 

I had a woman client who was just as bad as him and for similar reasons. She had nothing going for her but ended up with this good job, and she hated other women. She was very unattractive and really abrasive and had the worst manners of anyone I've ever seen, including hillbillies, and she was just straight up gross looking, gross dressing, gross talking and trashy, and it was a mystery to everyone how on earth she got that job. So she was young and just as hard on women as chauvenistic men are.

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