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Teased at work with someone I don't like


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Hi and happy new year to everyone!

 

I work at a medium-size office which makes the employee dynamic pretty intimate and laidback. I've only been there for a few months but almost all have been great and friendly to me.

 

They all know I'm single and in my late 20's so they all pretty much assume I'm looking for a boyfriend. I never gave off a vibe that I've been trying to snag a bf nor I ever mentioned that I'm lonely being alone.

 

Now here comes the newest employee who's also single and in his 30's. Even before he started working in our department, they've started mentioning him to me. I was fine with it - sure no probs new employee, heey.... but when he arrived the endless teasing started. One supervisor even said to us "When is the wedding?" And "You've probably found you're destiny here." (Cringe, cringe) It was embarassing for me and for him.

 

Good thing is, the new employee has been a gentleman about it. While I, so far have responded politely to all the teasing but I'm really losing my patience and I'm afraid I will snap and say and do things I will regret.

 

I have never been a cool and calm girl, I get too self-conscious (posted a thread about it here some years back, I think) and then I get really flustered and get panic attacks. In short, I just do not know how to deal when I'm put in an awkward and vulnerable position.

 

I'll be back to work after the holidays and I know with most of my co-workers back, the teasing and pairing up would start again...

 

The new employee seems like a decent, proper guy but the thing is I'm not attracted to him... He's probably not attracted to me too but I really don't care about that. The whole thing is just bonkers and awkward for me and him.

 

How do I respond to all the teasing without looking and sounding like an a$$? Please help :confused:

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Oh dear, that would suck. I was in a similar situation too. My colleagues peer-pressured me to go out with some guy who has a crush on me at work and I totally regretted it. The guy was nice but no attraction whatsoever. Thankfully, it didnt ruined my reputation at work (because I liked another guy).

 

But what your co-workers are doing seems like borderline bullying. If you're uncomfortable with it and asked them to stop and they didn't, that's kind of harrassment.

 

Maybe if you lay low and avoided them that would make them realize? Or maybe tell them again, gently, that it's not funny anymore and that you'd like the teasing to stop.

 

Worse comes to the worst, announce to everyone that you found a boyfriend! Just don't tell them he's imaginary. Maybe that'll make them shut up for now.

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read about how to set healthy boundaries and be more assertive about what you allow or don't allow the others to do or say about you.

 

I am sorry, this is not about them, it is about you. I bet those people take pleasure in embarrassing you and getting a reaction - more than really wanting to "pair you up" with someone. So next time they make jokes, be nice and polite and also very firm in communicating to them that your love life is a private matter and would prefer if it stayed that way. Pause, smile gently and change subject while looking at them in the eye.

 

They won't go away instantly, but from that moment on you ignore them and not give away any reaction. They'll get bored from not being able to jerk your chain and look for another "innocent victim".

 

my proposition still holds, read about assertiveness and healthy boundaries.

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Go to your manager, close the door & tell that person that while you assume the teasing is meant good naturedly it's bordering on sexual harassment. (The definition of sexual harassment includes comments based on gender & nobody would be mentioning weddings but for your gender so it fits). Tell the manager not to make a big deal about it but to lead by example & get it to stop

 

 

Or next time it happens you can loudly make a disclaimer. Something along the lines of

 

The jokes about me & [co-employee] have to stop. We're not dating & your continued speculation & comments stopped being funny weeks ago. My love life is not the business of the office. Now can we please all get back to work?

 

I worked in an office about your size & had a similar thing happen to me. It's annoying. At first we let it go. Then I started to give nasty biting responses when people make comments. I even snapped at bosses. It didn't stop. Ironically, 15 years later, he & I are still friends. We attended each others weddings. Neither of us have any contact with anybody from that office.

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Tell them to mind their own business. Keep your voice strong and clear. Dont shout. Add a serious look right into their eyes.

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Oh dear, that would suck. I was in a similar situation too. My colleagues peer-pressured me to go out with some guy who has a crush on me at work and I totally regretted it. The guy was nice but no attraction whatsoever. Thankfully, it didnt ruined my reputation at work (because I liked another guy).

 

But what your co-workers are doing seems like borderline bullying. If you're uncomfortable with it and asked them to stop and they didn't, that's kind of harrassment.

 

Maybe if you lay low and avoided them that would make them realize? Or maybe tell them again, gently, that it's not funny anymore and that you'd like the teasing to stop.

 

Worse comes to the worst, announce to everyone that you found a boyfriend! Just don't tell them he's imaginary. Maybe that'll make them shut up for now.

Thanks for the reply! ☺

 

You know what, I've thought of that - tell them nonchalantly that I have a "bf" thank you very much, just so they would stop.

 

The office is male dominated with only a handful of women. Problem is, it is mostly my women coworkers who are doing all these teasing and several male coworkers are joining in the mix too.

 

I've been laying low lately and been trying to keep to myself just so I could avoid them. One coworker have noticed and told me I look sad lately which I denied and wanted to confide to him my predicament but thought against it.

 

I don't want to be seen as loving all the attention they are giving me with all the "pairing up" and teasing. I'm not very social but I try to be friendly to anyone who's nice to me so for someone like me, the last thing I want and need is the kind of attention they are giving to me.

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read about how to set healthy boundaries and be more assertive about what you allow or don't allow the others to do or say about you.

 

I am sorry, this is not about them, it is about you. I bet those people take pleasure in embarrassing you and getting a reaction - more than really wanting to "pair you up" with someone. So next time they make jokes, be nice and polite and also very firm in communicating to them that your love life is a private matter and would prefer if it stayed that way. Pause, smile gently and change subject while looking at them in the eye.

 

They won't go away instantly, but from that moment on you ignore them and not give away any reaction. They'll get bored from not being able to jerk your chain and look for another "innocent victim".

 

my proposition still holds, read about assertiveness and healthy boundaries.

Hi!

 

I think I really need to read on setting boundaries. To them it's just plain office chatter but the way I see it, what they are doing is kind of mean and insensitive.

 

I get anxious a lot and I easily turn red and antsy when my emotions are heightened (this is so because of the medication I took for several months) so when it happens, they tease me that I'm "blushing" (cringe) because I like new employee guy.

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Well, I guess I'm more direct, but about the second time it happened, I'd have knitted my brows and said "Jesus, don't you guys have anything better to do than live vicariously through me?"

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Go to your manager, close the door & tell that person that while you assume the teasing is meant good naturedly it's bordering on sexual harassment. (The definition of sexual harassment includes comments based on gender & nobody would be mentioning weddings but for your gender so it fits). Tell the manager not to make a big deal about it but to lead by example & get it to stop

 

 

Or next time it happens you can loudly make a disclaimer. Something along the lines of

 

The jokes about me & [co-employee] have to stop. We're not dating & your continued speculation & comments stopped being funny weeks ago. My love life is not the business of the office. Now can we please all get back to work?

 

I worked in an office about your size & had a similar thing happen to me. It's annoying. At first we let it go. Then I started to give nasty biting responses when people make comments. I even snapped at bosses. It didn't stop. Ironically, 15 years later, he & I are still friends. We attended each others weddings. Neither of us have any contact with anybody from that office.

I think they find it cute and adorable what they're doing and I've tried to put things into perspective and find the positive in it. But no. I just find the whole thing ridiculous, annoying and uncomfortable.

 

It makes me feel like I'm part of a social experiment and I'm an unwilling participant.

 

Here's another thing - at some point I'm pretty sure this new employee guy will open up and tell someone that he's got a girlfriend. I really don't care if he has one. But what worries me is that it would look like I was rejected. Rejected by someone I don't even like!

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seekingpeaceinlove

I tend to be a bit passive agressive in those type of situations and would say something catty back like, " Wow, you all really miss beings single, don't ya? Married life getting stale?"

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As a female, you are in a position of advantage here. You just don't know it yet.

 

This is what you do. First, collect proof (record comments, emails, etc). Then, you go to HR and file a complain for harassment, but keeping the proof to yourself unless they require proof. Make sure you have a HR-stamped copy of your complain.

 

Now you have pretty much made yourself "unfireable" and, believe you me, nobody will ever mess with you. Work harassment is a pretty serious issue and we should all flex our rights on this one.

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Well, I guess I'm more direct, but about the second time it happened, I'd have knitted my brows and said "Jesus, don't you guys have anything better to do than live vicariously through me?"

I've been thinking of the right words to say. Most of them are much older and have been there for several years. Every time the new employee's name comes up (it's not the poor guy's fault but I'm beginning to hate his name), I try to change the subject.

 

They've assumed that I like the guy. Sometimes I just wish they'd ask me what I think of the whole thing.

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Well, I guess I'm more direct, but about the second time it happened, I'd have knitted my brows and said "Jesus, don't you guys have anything better to do than live vicariously through me?"

What annoys me is that they are under the impression that I'm naive and wide-eyed when it comes to forming relationships with the opposite sex just because I don't talk about my personal life. And this cornball idea they are here to find for me a man, a husband to share my life with. (Ugh.... cringe)

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Ok. I can see your situation and that you don't want to look like an ass. That whole situation seems very... I don't know how to describe it but I know what you're saying. It seems like in a normal work environment, you could easily go to HR or something, but it seems like this is one of those places where you can be comfortable bending a few rules here and there and get away with it - but while also things like this can occur. Whether I'm right or wrong about that, here are my ideas:

 

1. say you actually just started dating someone.(lie). in which case, they BETTER drop that kind of talk, because you are definitely not interested since you are taken.

 

2. every time that talk about him comes up start saying "ooh.. no thank you." say that over, and over, and over... so many times that it becomes awkward that that is all you respond with. the polite awkwardness might confuse them and make them feel uncomfortable... (this second option is totally weird, I know, but I bet it would work and it would be hilarious to me).

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you should speak up, directly to the people that are saying it. the next time any one of the people in the group says something, you need to just say firm and direct that you're taken/not interested/do not date fellow employees. you have to take a stand for yourself and be direct or it continues. you might also want to watch what you divulge in/around the office. how many people at work know i'm single? none. because i don't discuss my personal life with anyone i work with. perhaps at one time you opened the door to this type of teasing? by saying something to someone? people rarely tease about stuff like that without having prior permission of some sort, or some belief they are in your inner circle.

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Hi! Thank you all for taking the time to read and respond to my thread. :) I hope everyone had a nice start to the new year.

 

Aspen Baldwin, seekingpeaceinlove, preraph

 

Many times I've been so close to telling them to shut up and back off. I usually avoid confrontations because I might say or do something that I will just regret. I really do hope this year I can learn to be a bit more forward if someone is making me uncomfortable. I'm thinking of being less present in the office during lunch break, after office hours etc. They really are getting a little too familiar with me and maybe some time away from all the chatter is good. That is to say, I'm not really very open with my personal life in the office nor I cannot recall an instance where I whined about being single. To be totally honest, a relationship is not even on the list of my priorities because of career and health reasons (different story, I shall not bore you with :o)

 

JustBoston,

 

I really believe this is the sort of issue that HR deals with. I'm already thinking about Monday when the office attendance is complete and there's this one older supervisor that really pushes it with his words.

 

bluefeather,

 

I really do think I should have been more direct in expressing my unwillingness to take part in this whole "pairing up, teasing" thing they are doing. I was just worried about coming off as not a "good sport" as the culture in the office is more like "go with the flow" type of environment but I have to admit that I sort of regret now being too nicey nicey to them.

 

newmoon,

 

They know I'm single but other than that I have never talked about anything personal unless I was asked to and most of which are just mundane stuff. I'm worried that if I try to be vocal and direct, I might come off as rude. Knowing me, I'm not really good at confrontations and I tend to stew over what I might have said or did wrong. I know it's crazy and it's one thing about me that annoys me and need to work on.

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Oh dear, that would suck. I was in a similar situation too. My colleagues peer-pressured me to go out with some guy who has a crush on me at work and I totally regretted it. The guy was nice but no attraction whatsoever. Thankfully, it didnt ruined my reputation at work (because I liked another guy).

 

But what your co-workers are doing seems like borderline bullying. If you're uncomfortable with it and asked them to stop and they didn't, that's kind of harrassment.

 

Maybe if you lay low and avoided them that would make them realize? Or maybe tell them again, gently, that it's not funny anymore and that you'd like the teasing to stop.

 

Worse comes to the worst, announce to everyone that you found a boyfriend! Just don't tell them he's imaginary. Maybe that'll make them shut up for now.

 

I dealt with crap like this in my earlier days at work and I hated it to death! I would just ignore it and find ways to throw the focus off of you.

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Yeah, same thing happened to me awhile back! Its soo annoying, I don't think they are trying to "help" you they are more like getting off and laughing that you are still single at your age.

 

Could you maybe lie to them and tell them that you have a boyfriend? I use to get the same crap from co-workers until I finally decided to lie and told a few annoying pain in the ass women that I have a boyfriend-not exactly a lie-because I had **** buddies. But anyway, how are they going to know??? Its not like they are going to come over to your house and investigate to see if you have a man living with you. And the women that were harassing me about it were never my friends-I never hung out with them, didn't have my number, never spoke to them outside of work..so they will never know. No manager, boss, jackass is going to get the FBI to see if I have a bf, so what? Just lie and tell them you have a boyfriend/are dating someone. That should at least shut them up, hopefully, if not and they are wanting "proof" that's just harassment. And its funny, those women that I told them about my "boyfriend" don't even bother to ask me about him! Or they don't even ask about my relationship. So, that just tells you they are just enjoying bullying women that are single and in their 20-30's. How sad.

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