JenRiv Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 (edited) I'm looking for opinions on whether what I'm experiencing is covert belittling or if I'm over-reacting? I'm part of an online social media group with a person I'm starting to think is toxic. It's a professional group to promote our separate businesses, although we all do the same type of work, just in different locations. As part of the group, we post weekly individualized articles for our readers to help each of us to get noticed and draw business. The group consisted of people who are equals, so I thought. One of the group members, a woman, I'll call her Sally, has been making public comments on my post; things at first sight look like she's being helpful and providing praise. But, in reality, I feel she's covertly criticizing my work publicly. She writes comments like, I'm grateful you realized it's more productive to only include a couple sections in your articles; it's so much easier to read (among others similar in nature). Or, "I like it so much better that you did it like...." Then, on the next week's article, after her big critique the week before, she'll take a break and make comments like, "way to go," like I'm a little kid. The funny thing is there are 5 other group members, who write articles, and they all use as many sections or more than I do. She has never once criticized their methods or anything else. But, a couple of them are friends of hers on the outside world. I live too far away to do the occasional meetup as a few of them do. The big issue is: she's posting these publicly in front of current and potential clients, which potentially makes me look like I don't know what I'm doing, and costs me business. This is a specialized area, so some people may be coming to the group to learn about our topics, so it may make it difficult for them to judge my work without learning more. But, if she's putting negative comments on my articles, many people may click away thinking I'm a novice and not as knowledgeable. Even if she thought something was wrong with my articles, she could easily private message me about it. That's another thing, she sent out a message to everyone when the group was formed that we should private message each other instead of commenting to each other in the comment sections of the articles. So, I guess the rules don't apply to her. I feel like I'm being singled out, because she doesn't make comments on the other members articles unless it's to say how spot on they are about something and how interesting their article was (these are the personal friends). I noticed she butters the others up right before she asks one of them to do something for her. I feel like I'm being treated like I'm under her where she's criticizing my work to make her appear to be the "expert," while I'm the novice that needs guiding. I do have the closest educational background as hers and more years experience than the others in the group, including her in some areas, so I don't get it. I feel like my work is as good as and sometimes better than the other group members. I care very much about what I do, and take a lot of time preparing the articles, so it feels like a real injustice to be treated this way publicly in front of customers. I wonder how much business I've lost due to her comments. It's subtle. She even signs her "helpful" critiques with love, but the word doesn't make it full of love. I feel she's covering up her passive aggressive attack on me. If you got this far into my novel, what do you think? Am I over-reacting or is it a passive aggressive attack or something else? Edited September 30, 2015 by JenRiv Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 Who cares why she is doing it. She's doing it & potentially harming your business. Privately tell her to stop. If she doesn't stop, tell the group leader. If you can block her from commenting do that (& never mind telling her to stop) Otherwise find a new group because she is doing more to harm you then help you. If all of that fails & you can prove measurable economic loss in substantial amounts consult an attorney about suing her for something called tortious interference with a prospective economic advantage. Link to post Share on other sites
youdunsay Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 I feel like I'm being treated like I'm under her where she's criticizing my work to make her appear to be the "expert," while I'm the novice that needs guiding. Going through the same as you. Refer to the similar thread "Dealing with a difficult associate". http://www.loveshack.org/forums/platonic/business-professional-relationships/546033-dealing-difficult-associate Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 The funny thing is there are 5 other group members, who write articles, and they all use as many sections or more than I do. She has never once criticized their methods or anything else. But, a couple of them are friends of hers on the outside world. I live too far away to do the occasional meetup as a few of them do. The big issue is: she's posting these publicly in front of current and potential clients, which potentially makes me look like I don't know what I'm doing, and costs me business. This is a specialized area, so some people may be coming to the group to learn about our topics, so it may make it difficult for them to judge my work without learning more. But, if she's putting negative comments on my articles, many people may click away thinking I'm a novice and not as knowledgeable. Even if she thought something was wrong with my articles, she could easily private message me about it. That's another thing, she sent out a message to everyone when the group was formed that we should private message each other instead of commenting to each other in the comment sections of the articles. So, I guess the rules don't apply to her. I feel like I'm being singled out, because she doesn't make comments on the other members articles unless it's to say how spot on they are about something and how interesting their article was (these are the personal friends). I noticed she butters the others up right before she asks one of them to do something for her. I feel like I'm being treated like I'm under her where she's criticizing my work to make her appear to be the "expert," while I'm the novice that needs guiding. I do have the closest educational background as hers and more years experience than the others in the group, including her in some areas, so I don't get it. I feel like my work is as good as and sometimes better than the other group members. I care very much about what I do, and take a lot of time preparing the articles, so it feels like a real injustice to be treated this way publicly in front of customers. I wonder how much business I've lost due to her comments. It's subtle. She even signs her "helpful" critiques with love, but the word doesn't make it full of love. I feel she's covering up her passive aggressive attack on me. No, you're not overreacting (this is your career we're talking about here) - it's just that you may be taking the assumptions a little too far. I would definitely let her know how you feel but NICELY - thank her for her valuable feedback, and express your concerns EXACTLY the way you did in your post here - but just the parts I bolded. When you *gently* remind her of her private-messaging suggestion at the beginning, don't rub it in her face, just say something like, "I think you were spot-on with that initial guideline that we all agreed on, to keep our comments about each other's posts limited to private messaging and out of the public eye." The whole communication to her should be written in the spirit of "We've gotta stick together & have each other's back" rather than "Why are you trying to sabotage me??!?" The rest of your post here (the parts I crossed-out) is expressing your well-justified angst, but it may not be based on fact. She might actually believe she's helping you out. Or she's committed to someone else that she would mentor you. Who knows. The point is, you don't really know where she's coming from. Make your enemies carefully out there!! and only after you've gathered the facts. In the meantime, assume she means well. (It's good for your career.) Good luck!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyLady13 Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 Hi Jen. There's something you seem to be forgetting in your situation (public) and that is the fact that people have their own minds. This woman can say downright anything she wants but if your work is out there where people can see it, they are smart enough to draw their own conclusions. And in this day and age with Youtube trolls spouting off all sorts of vile comments, people are getting even smarter about other peoples comments and are very aware that they need to draw their own conclusions about things. You have a lot less to worry about than you think. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Frank13 Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 Maybe she is using her praise of you to covertly criticize the others. She is friends with them so maybe doesn't want to criticize them directly that they use too many sections, for example. By praising you she is hinting to them how they should do it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JenRiv Posted October 1, 2015 Author Share Posted October 1, 2015 Thanks everyone who gave me advice and suggestions! I really appreciate it. I got a clear answer on what type of person I've been dealing with. I was going to nicely bring up the no commenting rule we all agreed on to try to work the problem out, but before I got the chance, she flipped out on me for something unrelated and completely out of my control. All I have to say is WOW! I'm done with being a part of that group. No amount of traffic on a webpage is worth someone trying to damage my reputation. What a crazy exchange and situation! I guess it answered my question about whether she was being passive aggressive; I just got to see the aggression behind her actions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JenRiv Posted October 2, 2015 Author Share Posted October 2, 2015 Boy, I was dealing with a crazy group! I just read a post on the group page from one of the group members posting about something I had brought up to them a couple weeks ago on another page outside the group. They're taking credit for thinking up this topic. I can't believe how some people can be; I wouldn't be able to do that in good conscience. WTF! Link to post Share on other sites
DrReplyInRhymes Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Reminds me of this: http://i.imgur.com/nYbMTaE.png?1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JenRiv Posted October 3, 2015 Author Share Posted October 3, 2015 Reminds me of this: http://i.imgur.com/nYbMTaE.png?1 That is exactly how it went down...LOL! Link to post Share on other sites
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