Jump to content

Too friendly with the boss?


Recommended Posts

I have such a big dilemma.

 

Let me lay it out for you.

 

My boss is 6 years older than me. We sit directly in front of each other. We spent the first few weeks ignoring each other until we were left alone in the office and we realized we kind of have the same sense of humour since then we've spent most of the day teasing/prodding/trying to get a rise of the other, just to pass the hours of the day.

 

I saw this as just friendly banter between colleagues until my mother said 'he likes you' you know like mothers do. I made another post about it on here but since that day I've taken a step back and noticed his behavior towards me.

 

It goes like this;

 

  • He talks about my clothes,
  • He initiates the teasing
  • He watches me a lot
  • He asked me to arrange a night out
  • Department went for lunch, he sat beside me and watched me eat
  • Teased me during the lunch
  • Increase in sex talk in the office
  • Suggested i move desk to be right beside him

 

Now that's on a daily basis. Other things are; I never should have got the job. I tanked the interview. He's meant to give me a performance review every few months. I've had one and that was at the very start.

 

I'm not physically attracted to the guy, I find him funny and I enjoy our teasing as it passes the day but... He has a girlfriend and I don't want it to cross the line into becoming awkward. At one point we are due to go to a business meeting together for a few days and I'm a little apprehensive about it.

 

I enjoy my job, i've gotten pretty good at it considering I had not a clue when I started and it's the easiest job I've ever had but at the same time I don't want things to get awkward with him.

 

I'm so confused. :(

Link to post
Share on other sites

He probably is attracted to you. But so what? You always have control over what you do. Be friendly. Joke if you want to. Maintain your boundaries.

 

One thing I would suggest is to make sure you stay appropriate. Don't engage in sexual talk with him. If he ever does make a pass at you and then gets angry when you reject him, you don't want him to have any ammo against you that could put your job in jeopardy.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

@pteromom

 

I don't engage in the sex talk. I leave that him and the other guys in the office. The other guys are a lot older than both of us. I just think we get on so well because we're close in age.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

If you like your job, continue doing it well. Keep your boundaries up & don't move your desk besides his.

 

Even though you got the job, you don't know you were the 1st person it was offered to. Perhaps the other candidates turned it down or you didn't tank the interview as badly as you thought.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

If you feel safe, it's your call how far you let those conversations and flirting go (yes, it's flirting). You aren't innocent in the flirting, either...whether it was misunderstood or not on his part.

 

 

To be honest, he's probably one of the people on here that is asking "does she like me...should I go for it?" Probably not, but you get what I'm saying.

 

 

If you aren't comfortable with how close you've gotten...then you have a lot of options to make it stop. You could tell him, for one. A lot of people are surprisingly good at taking direct feedback if it's presented correctly.

 

 

Or, if you don't want to directly approach him, talk to his supervisor and report the sexual harassment (you aren't allowed to talk about some things in an office setting...although a lot of places do because of the culture). This will probably initiate a company-wide memo that will remind people of proper conduct in the office and unless his supervisor is a crappy person you should come out of it completely anonymous.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I think the main problem I have is that I would be willing to go there because although I'm not physically attracted to him he's my type in a lot of ways and looks isn't always the main attraction.

 

I'm not stupid enough to.let it though, especially not when he could still end my contract as I'm on probation. I'll just have to keep my distance and remain friendly but not step over that line.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

>>>My boss is six years older than me. We sit directly in front of each other. We spent the first few weeks ignoring each other.....<<<

 

-------

 

How does one "ignore" his/her boss, for weeks, and vice versa?

 

He is your boss, which means he gives you work, no? And you do the work and report back?

 

I am confused, is he actually your boss or a co-worker?

 

I just don't know how it's possible to totally ignore your own boss....and vice versa.

 

Who gives you the work? Who do you report to?

Link to post
Share on other sites
@pteromom

 

I don't engage in the sex talk. I leave that him and the other guys in the office. The other guys are a lot older than both of us. I just think we get on so well because we're close in age.

 

 

So you tolerate him and the other guys engaging in sex talk? Ever ask them to stop? Ever complain about it?

 

You’ve mentioned age several times. I’m not seeing where that is relevant AT ALL.

 

Definitely some flirting going on, and I don’t see you as innocent. So he's your type...hmmm.

 

In situations like this, you can be sure other people have noticed.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
>>>My boss is six years older than me. We sit directly in front of each other. We spent the first few weeks ignoring each other.....<<<

 

-------

 

How does one "ignore" his/her boss, for weeks, and vice versa?

 

He is your boss, which means he gives you work, no? And you do the work and report back?

 

I am confused, is he actually your boss or a co-worker?

 

I just don't know how it's possible to totally ignore your own boss....and vice versa.

 

Who gives you the work? Who do you report to?

 

Without going into specifics about my job it is a job that doesn't require me to converse with my boss unless there is a major problem. I know what I need to do everyday and unless there is a major issue I wouldn't have to speak to him... Therefor for the first few weeks we ignored each other.

 

I report directly to him but a I said, I'm meant to get appraisals and I've only ever had one.

 

So you tolerate him and the other guys engaging in sex talk? Ever ask them to stop? Ever complain about it?

 

You’ve mentioned age several times. I’m not seeing where that is relevant AT ALL.

 

Definitely some flirting going on, and I don’t see you as innocent. So he's your type...hmmm.

 

In situations like this, you can be sure other people have noticed.

 

The sex talk doesn't bother me that much, I've learnt to ignore it but the amount of it has increased. I'm the only girl in the office, so they were probably respecting that at first but they've gotten used to me now and think it is acceptable.

 

We had a new colleague in the office the past few weeks and I caught him watching our exchanges a few times, I think he noticed something but he never said anything.

 

Parts of him are my type. Not all of him. :confused:

Link to post
Share on other sites

Been down this path, and the ending will not go well.

 

As an employee, take steps to prevent any further banter on the Sexual level. Its not about you tolerating it, its about keeping of the business format. Period.

 

Its fine that you have good rapport with your boss, yet lines need to be drawn. Start now. This is not a habit you want to come back on you when reviews are done. Your silence gives consent. Speak up!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I was leaving the office this afternoon and then I heard my name being called so I doubled back turns out it was my boss. He was reminding me that u wouldn't see him till middle of October because he's away on holiday... I knew this. He'd spoke about it all day plus it was on the team calendar l. I don't think there was a reason for him to call me back just to tell me that. I also noticed this past week that we seem to communicate at times purely by facial expressions. Like I can look at him and kno what he's saying and vice versa. It's starting to get awkward.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I have such a big dilemma.

 

Let me lay it out for you.

 

My boss is 6 years older than me. We sit directly in front of each other. We spent the first few weeks ignoring each other until we were left alone in the office and we realized we kind of have the same sense of humour since then we've spent most of the day teasing/prodding/trying to get a rise of the other, just to pass the hours of the day.

 

I saw this as just friendly banter between colleagues until my mother said 'he likes you' you know like mothers do. I made another post about it on here but since that day I've taken a step back and noticed his behavior towards me.

 

It goes like this;

 

  • He talks about my clothes,
  • He initiates the teasing
  • He watches me a lot
  • He asked me to arrange a night out
  • Department went for lunch, he sat beside me and watched me eat
  • Teased me during the lunch
  • Increase in sex talk in the office
  • Suggested i move desk to be right beside him

Now that's on a daily basis. Other things are; I never should have got the job. I tanked the interview. He's meant to give me a performance review every few months. I've had one and that was at the very start.

 

I'm not physically attracted to the guy, I find him funny and I enjoy our teasing as it passes the day but... He has a girlfriend and I don't want it to cross the line into becoming awkward. At one point we are due to go to a business meeting together for a few days and I'm a little apprehensive about it.

 

I enjoy my job, i've gotten pretty good at it considering I had not a clue when I started and it's the easiest job I've ever had but at the same time I don't want things to get awkward with him.

 

I'm so confused. :(

 

 

Dear SpiritDancer,

 

 

I took your quote and Highlighted a few of them.

I do have 103 lady's working for me ( me and my wife)

 

 

Your boss is not the norm pfffffffff luckily !!!

 

 

Read and learn, it's a plan of him, yes please do.

 

 

LS is full of bosses who take woman on business meeting together for a few days.

you'll become:

1. The lover

2. the wife ( if both of you are single ).

3. the secret mistress (if he is not single).

4. The OW ( if you are not single)

5.remembered and laughed on as the office sl*t.

Are you working in the jerry springer office.?

As a employer this reads so bad. look for a Normal job,

We would hate it to read by X-mas how heart broken you are.

 

 

Get a real job, and take care. I just hate those bosses , sorry

 

 

Dutchman 1

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...
  • Author

I've come to the conclusion that I actually hate my job and that the only part I enjoy about it is the verbal sparring that I have with my boss. He's been off on holiday and before that I had holidays and ever since all I can think is 'I really hate this job' the only part of it I would miss is the 'banter' with my boss. I'm currently job searching.

Link to post
Share on other sites

And, this thread is why I dress down now a days when going to work...

 

I mean, if it isn't the jealous females you gotta deal with creepy guys. :rolleyes:

 

And the fun part about all of this? Try to file a complaint and the company probably will come after you and/or it will get dismissed cuz it doesn't necessarily arrives to the legal definition of "pervasive" harassment. :mad::rolleyes::mad:

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

It sounds like you're conflicted. It's all harmless and fun until it leads to the moment when the ultimatum is on the table. And, if you reject him, what will that do to your job and office vibe afterwards? How would he react? You've listed some things you don't like, but then he gives you the right kind of attention. What person doesn't like to be noticed and dotted on when they're single and young? I don't fault you for that at all! But, it seems you need to figure out what you want.

 

Does his good qualities outweigh the negative? What about the girlfriend? Would you be comfortable if your bf was treating a girl he worked with like your boss is treating you? Would you be comfortable seeing someone who is cheating on their girlfriend? How can having a relationship with him affect your job? These are all questions you have to ask yourself. What are the circumstances, what do you want, and what are the consequences?

 

If you feel it's gotten out of control, set boundaries and don't participate in things that make you feel awkward or uncomfortable. I realize that's not easy to do if you've been laughing at their sex talk or they're getting a reaction out of you by doing it. If it gets to where he's asking you out, then you may have to be assertive and honest about why you don't think it's a good idea (if that's what you're leaning towards). Or if he wonders why you're not participating in his flirting; you need to be honest about what you want.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I don't feel it's getting out of control I feel that the 'relationship' I've had with my boss has been clouding my feelings for my job. I really don't like it and at this point I think I'm still there for him and not for the job. I don't enjoy it anymore.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Unless you quit your job, it would be a HUGE mistake to develop a relationship with this guy. You can send him a clear message by toning down the playfulness and ignoring him more often by pretending to be busy.

 

As far as the sexual talk going on in the office, even when it's not directed at you or you're not a part of the conversation, that actually should not happen. Your boss, and everyone in the company, should know that. Your boss is, overall, behaving extremely inappropriately.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It may be too late to save this situation because you've let it get out of hand by going along with the sex talk and, as you say, "ignoring it," which means you have encouraged it by not letting them know even in the most subtle way that you aren't comfortable with it. Now coworkers have probably already decided you're an item or that you want to be, and it's too late to undo it. At your next job, simply don't let them go there. If they start, stop them the first time they flirt -- big smile "You've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a crap," or "Naw, naw, don't even start" or "Sure, let's make work as hard as possible for (insert your name here)" or furrow your brow and look him right in the eyes for a couple of seconds as if you're trying to ascertain if he could possibly be that big of an idiot.

 

If you don't want to stop it because the feeling is mutual, quit your job and date the guy. But you'll always know he's chasing skirt at the office.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...
  • Author

Update. So I haven't found another job yet but we were discussing the fact that I no longer drink alcohol in the office and one of my other colleagues turns to my boss and says 'that'll be cheap for you' not my boss totally over reacts to this and says in a snapping tone 'how will that be good for me' My colleague replies 'nights out will be cheaper' 'oh right' says my boss. It was oddly disturbing but it still hasn't curbed any of our... office banter in fact after that comment he turned to me and made his own.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Extreme friendliness from a boss is a HUGE red flag. I learned it the hard way: in my case it never proceeded to sexual, but the "friendliness" was his way to cover unprofessional actions, and keep me in the hook for doing him favor after favor. In short, he turned me into his loyal puppy, and hindered my performance and career growth drastically.

 

Saying all that to remind you - WATCH OUT.

 

I have such a big dilemma.

 

Let me lay it out for you.

 

My boss is 6 years older than me. We sit directly in front of each other. We spent the first few weeks ignoring each other until we were left alone in the office and we realized we kind of have the same sense of humour since then we've spent most of the day teasing/prodding/trying to get a rise of the other, just to pass the hours of the day.

 

I saw this as just friendly banter between colleagues until my mother said 'he likes you' you know like mothers do. I made another post about it on here but since that day I've taken a step back and noticed his behavior towards me.

 

It goes like this;

 

  • He talks about my clothes,
  • He initiates the teasing
  • He watches me a lot
  • He asked me to arrange a night out
  • Department went for lunch, he sat beside me and watched me eat
  • Teased me during the lunch
  • Increase in sex talk in the office
  • Suggested i move desk to be right beside him

 

Now that's on a daily basis. Other things are; I never should have got the job. I tanked the interview. He's meant to give me a performance review every few months. I've had one and that was at the very start.

 

I'm not physically attracted to the guy, I find him funny and I enjoy our teasing as it passes the day but... He has a girlfriend and I don't want it to cross the line into becoming awkward. At one point we are due to go to a business meeting together for a few days and I'm a little apprehensive about it.

 

I enjoy my job, i've gotten pretty good at it considering I had not a clue when I started and it's the easiest job I've ever had but at the same time I don't want things to get awkward with him.

 

I'm so confused. :(

Link to post
Share on other sites

Do you have an HR dept at work?

 

Or is your office small?

 

It does not usually work out, and will be too much drama when things go bad.

 

Keep up your boundaries and cut off the sexual comments.

 

You do need to let him know that is not acceptable.

 

Good luck.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Do you have an HR dept at work?

 

Or is your office small?

 

It does not usually work out, and will be too much drama when things go bad.

 

Keep up your boundaries and cut off the sexual comments.

 

You do need to let him know that is not acceptable.

 

Good luck.

 

It's quite a small but secure company, we go specialized work for people, our HR department has 3 people that all do different jobs and the main HR person is a guy.

 

The biggest problem is... He's not the only part of my job I enjoy. :eek:

 

Extreme friendliness from a boss is a HUGE red flag. I learned it the hard way: in my case it never proceeded to sexual, but the "friendliness" was his way to cover unprofessional actions, and keep me in the hook for doing him favor after favor. In short, he turned me into his loyal puppy, and hindered my performance and career growth drastically.

 

Saying all that to remind you - WATCH OUT.

 

I'm not his puppy. Most people in the office think he's a dick and don't like hi but they're scared of him. I'm the only person that challenges him, most of them just shy away and let him have the last say but when I think he's wrong I'll tell him, in front of people if I have to.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 months later...
  • Author

So this has come back again. I'm going on a business trip next week and I'll be an hour away from where my boss is. He sent me a message to say "You should come hang out with me for the weekend" I declined but I think his intention there was very clear. He still has a girlfriend, I don't want to move jobs cause at times I really like it but I feel like the attraction is getting in the way.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...