Work and Mental Health - A long read.

[avintagegirl]

Hello all,

 

I am not so much seeking advice here as I just need to let a few things off my chest about my job. I work in a small library and our department is three people. Last year in the spring my boss broke her leg. It was a serious break and required a lot of downtime. Her return to work was officially scheduled for July 1. After July 1, she still had a hard time coping with a normal work routine and would often come in after 10 and have to leave around 4 for physical therapy. Needless to say this put a lot of pressure on my co-worker and I.

 

In the fall she had a bit of a setback and coming to work was still hard. I was opening every morning and working the desk for a good part of the day. When the winter hit, coming to work was hard given the icy wet conditions and my coworker and I tried to be understanding of that as well. That lasted until about oh March or so (a year post fall) and things for a short time improved. She was supposed to open at 730 but usually i was still opening and working the desk until she got there. I have to say it was irritating for her to come in late because often I had hauled my work out to the desk only to have her come in 15 or 20 minutes later and I have to haul it all back, because she was there now to work the desk. Ugh.

 

As of mid June or so her husband is starting to have serious health issues. This means increasing less time at work. In June alone, she was gone more than she was there. When she is there, she is frequently on her phone and more than a few times I have gone in to talk to her about a work related issue and she has been on a personal call.

 

I get it, your family comes first. I get it there are serious health issues here. But it is taking its toll. Working more hours at the desk means less hours at my desk. When she is there is she not present and so to talk to her about what is going on is hard, because she is never "there" and cannot reciprocate in the conversation.

 

I started school this past January and this situation is having an effect on my school work. The apathy of it doesnt matter is taking over. This is a scary scary thought. I am so tired by the time I get in at night I am not up to posting on discussion boards, or reading, or writing. I know that in a few hours it will be time to go to bed and wake up to do it all over again.

 

Take Monday for instance. I am on the schedule, my coworker is on the schedule (this is our department only schedule) and she has yet to put herself on. On Friday she was not on the schedule when we opened at 8. By 10:05 she was on the schedule for 10 and there by 10:36. There is no predicting anything except for the fact she probably won't be there.

 

Professional concerns for what is not getting done aside, this is a HUGE morale problem. My coworker and I can't take off because we know know when or if she will be there. I had a text from my co-worker a couple of weeks ago at 8:02 (he comes in at 9) and he says he is running 30 minutes late. Ok. Then fast as lighting I get a message from her saying "me too". WTH?

 

How can anyone take time off? How can anything get done? It is driving me crazy. Our former boss did nothing about it because although he knew she wasn't coming in, it was easier to do nothing. Our current boss is only an interim person so there isn't much if anything she can do about it. Going straight to the source would do no good because we would only hear about how she is doing her best and ugh cant everyone see how crazy life is right now? News flash baby your life is always crazy.

 

The other thing is I don't get the feeling that there is always honesty in communications. I feel like some mornings when "it was hard for her to get going" really meant she just needed some extra sleep. We all need extra sleep. There was a morning she said she was in a car accident on the highway on her way to work. I don't believe it. I hate saying it, but I don't. Since the accident there has been no mention made of insurance, what the officers said, nothing no details at all. For a woman who has told of some of the sexual goings on of the roommates of her children, for her not to expound on something that so directly affects her is odd.

 

It's depressing. The whole damn situation is depressing. I have a work conference in early August so I will take some time off then. I have to. Mentally this is taking it's toll. I have dealt with depression before and I can start to feel it coming on now. I have tears in my eyes just thinking of the misery of what this school year will mean without time off. I don't even want to register for classes - but I did.

 

If you have read this far, thank you. I appreciate it. I am going to talk with our campus minister this week (hopefully Tuesday) and see if he can give me some guidance. I don't normally seek spiritual guidance but at this point I am desperate.

[avintagegirl]

I would like to add if anyone can relate to this story, and were able to turn things around, I would love to hear how you did.

 

My apologies for not saying that before.

[Tiger Lily]

Sounds very stressful, avintagegirl. I'm sorry you're suffering through this. You seem to be very responsible, and take your position seriously, which is admirable.

 

Sometimes I think we get caught up in routines, and it can be hard to see outside of the "box". From an outsider's point of view, it seems like there are some options you can take.

 

Firstly, I do think communication with the other staff is integral. Of course, be respectful, be a team player, and bring solutions (if possible), but sometime people really don't know there is a problem until they're told about it. I would bring up your concerns with your own personal work experience (i.e. don't approach the interim boss with complaints about a co-worker, focus on your needs in the work environment). I would let her know that you would prefer more consistency with the scheduling and assigned work duties.

 

Second, I would take off the time I need to take off. You need to do what you need to do. The other staff will figure it out when you're not there. I even bet that the woman who is often late/absent will have to step up a bit more because you won't be there to cover everything.

 

And third, if a conversation cannot resolve your problems, I would think about looking for another position or another job entirely. Until you try something else, you just won't know how much better life can be elsewhere.

 

I hope I've understood your situation. I think you're very smart to look for spiritual guidance when faced with any sort of difficulty that seems too hard to overcome.

 

Saying a prayer for you, OP! Blessings.

[avintagegirl]

Sounds very stressful, avintagegirl. I'm sorry you're suffering through this. You seem to be very responsible, and take your position seriously, which is admirable.

 

Sometimes I think we get caught up in routines, and it can be hard to see outside of the "box". From an outsider's point of view, it seems like there are some options you can take.

 

Firstly, I do think communication with the other staff is integral. Of course, be respectful, be a team player, and bring solutions (if possible), but sometime people really don't know there is a problem until they're told about it. I would bring up your concerns with your own personal work experience (i.e. don't approach the interim boss with complaints about a co-worker, focus on your needs in the work environment). I would let her know that you would prefer more consistency with the scheduling and assigned work duties.

 

Second, I would take off the time I need to take off. You need to do what you need to do. The other staff will figure it out when you're not there. I even bet that the woman who is often late/absent will have to step up a bit more because you won't be there to cover everything.

 

And third, if a conversation cannot resolve your problems, I would think about looking for another position or another job entirely. Until you try something else, you just won't know how much better life can be elsewhere.

 

I hope I've understood your situation. I think you're very smart to look for spiritual guidance when faced with any sort of difficulty that seems too hard to overcome.

 

Saying a prayer for you, OP! Blessings.

 

Thank you for reading through all of that Tiger Lilly! I am taking to heart seriously #1 and #2 they are really important. I feel like I've kept my head down too long for the good of the department and now its time for me to help me. At the end of the day it was always the students who could bring me back to see the importance of what we do. It's just been lost in the shuffle. Re-focusing on the that with time off I think will help. I have previously communicated with our now interim director about issues in the department - as has my coworker - when she was in her former position. She knows that there are issues and that they are ongoing. For the foreseeable future though her hands are tied.

I also think you are right about my boss stepping up. I was out early in June for a conference (that frankly she should have gone to as well, we had coverage) and when I came back she talked about how she got there "early" because I wasn't there, well not early she said, but she was there to open. My mouth dropped -I couldn't believe she admitted she wasn't doing her job because she knew the mess she left behind would be cleaned up.

 

For a long time I loved this job, despite her shenanigans. It has just gotten so much worse and it has worn me down to a bitter nub. I used to be a very empathic person and now I have a hard time asking after the health of her husband when she finally arrives. My co-worker is the same. He said after so many years of hearing her speak poorly of her husband, and the other questionable tales she has told, that one day when she teared up he thought "Crocodile Tears".

 

This is a man who has a tremendous heart. When we found out the father and brother of one of our students was killed he stepped up to take a collection for the family and when a lesser amount of money was collected than the target he had in mind, he brought out his own checkbook. He keeps snacks for our students and he told me this weekend he wants to buy a blanket for our weekend students who work to put over their legs because the library gets cold.

 

I am looking forward to talking with the campus minister. I am hoping he can give me some coping techniques, and ideas for how to talk to my boss with out feeling guilty. I feel guilty because her husband is going though a bad time and she is stressed, and I would want sympathy that I am not showing. On the other hand, she is a department head and shoot, when my dad died my Mom didn't take off this much.

 

Thank you for your prayers they are appreciated tremendously.

 

Best,

AVG

[preraph]

You need to take this to whoever is her supervisor, wherever they are, and suggest that she is still disrupting all your schedules and just what you said here. Tell her how it's affecting everyone and how she cannot be counted upon to be there on time or at all and how it makes it hard for anyone else who might also have a family emergency to function. Of course, open by being empathetic to her plight to lay that groundwork.

[avintagegirl]

You need to take this to whoever is her supervisor, wherever they are, and suggest that she is still disrupting all your schedules and just what you said here. Tell her how it's affecting everyone and how she cannot be counted upon to be there on time or at all and how it makes it hard for anyone else who might also have a family emergency to function. Of course, open by being empathetic to her plight to lay that groundwork.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment preaph. Thank you for saying the bolded words. I think part of the problem has also been "not having the words". Generally with coworkers I just go to them and lay it all out, but it is difficult to say to your boss "I need you to come to work, on time, and be present".

 

I need to think very carefully the words I want to say to my boss's supervisor. I know that she will want to know if I have a solution to the issue and if I have thought about how that will go. I want to be empathetic - as much as I can be - while still conveying that this is a real issue with real consequences.

[avintagegirl]

I just wanted to post that this last week was a better week. On Tuesday my boss was there - a real bonus because that was D-Day for me for school and my co-worker had a dentist appt. My boss actually opened and closed!!

 

I went home on Monday with a headache and she said if I needed her to come in call her. (She wont come in early if I am there already - but if she can "save the day", ok - insert eye roll) I let her. I called and said I wouldn't be in until noon - and I wasn't.

 

It felt good to walk in and have things already up and going. It felt even better to sleep in!

 

I will say the anxiety has been less this week. I did see about talking with the campus minister - except we no longer have one on our campus. I then spoke with my doctor and she perscribed a very low dose of an anti- anxiety drug. I took it for the first time this morning and I wound up sleeping a lot. I think the week just caught up with me. I am planning to get real rest this weekend and then on Monday evaluate how I feel.

 

I also have a game plan for the boss. I am looking for the right time to tell her we need her to put her husband's dr. schedule on the staff calendar. This way we can know when she won't be there and can plan accordingly. If she doesn't the next step - her boss.

 

This may seem odd that I am willing to wait a bit. But, I don't want to be unfair. No matter in what way she has acted, she has a sick husband and I remember what it was like when my dad was ill. It is hard. You live this hospital culture life and I know people manage both and don't do this. I guess I just believe its what I would want if I were in her shoes. However, this week he is settled into a nursing home for rehab, so the time will come.

 

Thank you Tiger Lilly and preraph for taking the time to write. It helped a great deal.

[preraph]

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment preaph. Thank you for saying the bolded words. I think part of the problem has also been "not having the words". Generally with coworkers I just go to them and lay it all out, but it is difficult to say to your boss "I need you to come to work, on time, and be present".

 

I need to think very carefully the words I want to say to my boss's supervisor. I know that she will want to know if I have a solution to the issue and if I have thought about how that will go. I want to be empathetic - as much as I can be - while still conveying that this is a real issue with real consequences.

 

Yes, you have to be careful, but you need to let her specifically know how this is disrupting your and others' schedules. You might tell her that if her continuing to miss work for rehabilitation is really necessary, then you advise hiring another person to fill in the gaps. Remember she could hire home care for her husband.

[Tiger Lily]

Glad things seem to be looking a little better, AVG . It's sad that things have to get to a desperate point before they can change sometimes. And it would be nice if people could always do their best, not just when it's absolutely necessary. But, hopefully any slacking off by your boss is going to be a thing of the past, as she realizes how needed she is!

 

Personally, I would request if she could put up a tentative schedule of when she might be off of work, but I wouldn't bring her personal reasons why into the discussion. To me, her husband's needs are personal, and co-workers and subordinates don't need to know why she is taking time off. On the other hand, she could at least let you know she'll be gone, imo

 

And sorry there wasn't a campus chaplain/pastor available. If you need any support in the future, I'm sure a local church pastor wouldn't mind listening to your concerns.

 

Best of luck this week, AVG!