Practice Manager at GF's job.

[VengeanceGuidesMe]

I feel funny posting on her behalf, but honestly, this woman that my gf works with makes my life a living hell every night after my gf gets out of work.

 

She is aggressive, frustrated, sometimes returning home in tears almost from her practice manager at work. However, I need to find a way to help her with this situation because this is affecting our home life. The elevated levels of aggression in which she speaks to me a lot of the time are a result from her working situation. I can't take the attitude and I am on the verge of leaving because of some of our fights. She talks to me in ways that I thought I would never accept.

 

I have my PhD in chemistry and just finished a post doc and am looking for new work. I am not working and it has been 2 months. Jobs are tight right now and I have suggested several times I pick up a part time job around there until I find a permanent position. However, she just says "Just focus on getting a job and get us out of here"... One day after he work, I hung up half dried clothes instead of drying all the way and I was called "worthless, useless, and non contributing"... I didn't spend the last 6 years of my 20s busting my ass to be treated like that.

 

 

 

Now that you all know my motivation for this post and a little background about our situation, here is her work situation.

 

The practice manager, J, lets call her, is someone I have never met. However, here are some of the thing I have heard.

 

First the woman is never consistent. One day it's like this, one day it's like that. One day my gf gets yelled at for doing something someway and then the practice manager does the same thing in front of her. My gf always bites her tongue, never says anything, and just gives her a look like "Yeah, what now bia".

 

 

She has a degree in wild life with pre-vet options. She has worked in many places- undergrad research in dog breeding, undergrad job in animal husbandry taking care of research animals (mice, g-pigs, rabbits), she has worked at a vet practice for a year and a half prior where she has excellent references from new vets (new as in recent practice managers). She knows her ****, she works hard, and she learns outside of work for her position.

 

 

This woman will snap over nothing and yell at her, with very unprofessional and belittling remarks. It's not just my gf who is the target, it is everyone. She is condescending. She tells people they are stupid for doing something incorrectly (which compounds with her not being consistent). She blames everyone without proof and screams at them. She acts like they're are stupid in front of clients and insult them in those situations.

 

I get frustrated my gf can't stand up for herself. I am mad she doesn't call this woman out for being unprofessional. It's out of fear. Right after my gf accepted the position, she received emails from the previous tech. The previous tech told her of J's major unprofessional behavior and cited it as the reason for leaving.

 

The vet who owns the practice and her are really good friends. The vet is a bit older, and apparently, said she would never fire J, because she does everything she doesn't want to do. And that when the previous tech tried to discuss J's behavior, J was invited along and pretended like none of this happened. J seems sociopathic. J was so surprised, but then when Vet Owner wasn't around, J would bring out hostility on old vet tech. My GF is experiencing similar situation, this never happens in front of Vet Owner.

 

Previous techs sent e-mail "Fire J, or we all leave".. They all left. I support that, but GF told me that old tech was refused reference from Vet Owner because J said "DO NOT GIVE HER A REFERENCE". J controls Vet Owner it seems.

 

I advise my GF to leave, but she says it will look bad to bounce from job to job (if she gets another one and I find a position in a couple months).. but to me, it is not worth this abuse. I almost want to drive their and bitch slap J and call her out. However, the last time I tried to solve my gf problem in such a way, I was rightly screamed at. I overstepped my position of support and tried to do what she needed too. I want to support her and help her, I know I can't fix this, but I can't live in this situation for ever.

 

 

I tell her that, I would calmly tell J that she is being unprofessional in those moments. I also tell her to say something like "Just because you're my superior doesn't mean I don't deserve your respect". But she just grins and bears it... with a lot less grinning.

[preraph]

She's foolish for staying there. It's a no-win situation. She should look for another job BEFORE she leaves there and that way they can't even check her references. So tell her it's easier to find a job while you still have a job, which is true, and this also makes a bad reference a nonissue since every potential employer understands you will not be allowing them to call your present employer who you are looking to leave. They can call other references but not that one. She needs to be more assertive, but if she was, you still wouldn't have done much better on the hanging up wet clothes issue!

[introverted1]

I see you are blaming your gf's attitude toward you on her work situation, but I have to wonder if your gf isn't part of the problem... both at home and at work. Ultimately you need to define what is acceptable and what isn't in terms of how your gf treats you, and your gf needs to learn to address her professional life.

[VengeanceGuidesMe]

She's foolish for staying there. It's a no-win situation. She should look for another job BEFORE she leaves there and that way they can't even check her references. So tell her it's easier to find a job while you still have a job, which is true, and this also makes a bad reference a nonissue since every potential employer understands you will not be allowing them to call your present employer who you are looking to leave. They can call other references but not that one. She needs to be more assertive, but if she was, you still wouldn't have done much better on the hanging up wet clothes issue!

 

 

I have been telling her to change positions or say something to her for a long ass time now. Although, I just received the best text ever. She has decided to put in her two weeks (not today). I will tell her to find a position first, then do so.

 

 

The clothes dryer costs a buck fifty a pop. No reason to spend loot when time takes care of it!

 

 

I see you are blaming your gf's attitude toward you on her work situation, but I have to wonder if your gf isn't part of the problem... both at home and at work. Ultimately you need to define what is acceptable and what isn't in terms of how your gf treats you, and your gf needs to learn to address her professional life.

 

 

I know this. I struggle with this. I used to let it get to me to the point I also was getting aggravated and yelling back. I have stopped because it feeds the situation and brings me down. Now I tell her calmly to stop talking to me like that. The last time, I told her that if this behavior continues, if she continues to talk to me like that, I will leave. She spent that whole night apologizing. I don't care about sorrys. I care about changing. Apologies are bull****. If your behavior isn't right and you're sorry, you'll change. Anyway, it is an ongoing thing. She also has hard ADD, and I have read about it. Mode swings and bity-ness are common amongst people because they can't concentrate to keep thoughts inside very well and they get blurted out as if they don't care. I don't know though, I don't think that justifies her attitude sometimes, but I think about it when making such decisions as leaving her.

[GemmaUK]

However, the last time I tried to solve my gf problem in such a way, I was rightly screamed at. I overstepped my position of support and tried to do what she needed too. I want to support her and help her, I know I can't fix this, but I can't live in this situation for ever.

 

Can I ask, was this over a work situation also?

 

I have personally experienced two work place bullies.

One bullied everyone except the boss as she had a crush on him.

The other bullied just me and this occurred when I was living with my then bf.

Over a few months things became drastically worse with this bully, mostly due to the fact we sat together separated and out of view.

I would go home and speak to my man and let it all out when I needed to and he was great, it was my vent time and he knew once he had been my shoulder that I could then relax for the night. He never once tried to solve anything, he just listened and empathised.

Things came to a head one day and I waited until the bully had left and I went to see her boss and HR to tell them what had been going on.

They had both noticed.

They asked me for a suggestion and I asked that we could be moved into the team area.

They began hauling desks around before I had even packed up for the night.

I called my bf and said I needed a beer so he came and met me, bought me a few beers and told me he was so pleased I had done something.

 

The bully left shortly after - though she was very put out that her desk had moved the next day..ha!

 

I never took anything out on my partner though. I needed his support and to let off steam. He would never try to fix it for me even though he knew all those involved.

 

Maybe, until something changes you could suggest she has 'let off steam and vent it all' time for half an hour or whatever when she gets home and you can just listen. It's not your job to 'fix it' for her.

You may find she can then relax more in the evenings once she has had her vent sesh.

It certainly helped me!!

[VengeanceGuidesMe]

It usually takes about 45 minutes to an hour. It wouldn't be bad if she was just venting it. I don't try to fix her situations anymore. It's that she vents, but takes stress out on me. It's why I feel like now that it is affecting me, I can't just sit around and do nothing. It affects me. It is problematic for me.

 

 

The time I helped her was because she was treated poorly and primarily ignored when going to this physics help room in college. Some TA grad students took help room as a chance to focus on personal work, would sit at the compute with head phones on and be very rude to those that interrupted for help.

 

I wrote a pretty chastising e-mail to the physics chair and course instructor telling them that this behavior from their TAs is ludicrous and that it wouldn't fly in the chemistry department. Things changed, and her teacher apologized to the class on the TAs behalf. That is how I got busted.

 

 

Anyway, hopefully it won't be an issue anymore since I thinks he is ready to quit! Though the only difference in your situations is that she has one other superior, the vet owner, who always sides with J.

 

 

I honestly feel like this is an abusive relationship. She puts down everyone so much at the practice, they feel trapped, worthless, and unable to change. I wish everyone would up and quit on the exact same day, with no two week notices. The problems it would cause with the clientele would be huge, the vet owner would take a hard hit to income that month plus lost business for people offended enough to find a new practice, that she can no longer walk around with these blinders of how her staff manager treats her staff.

 

 

This lady also has remote desktop setup on the computers at work. Randomly, and not to say, time wasting, they lose control while J spys on what is open. That includes reading private emails sent from private gmail accounts just because someone had to log into gmail for something related to work- or checked their email during lunch hours. I googled to see if that was illegal, and well it's a grey area.

[GemmaUK]

It usually takes about 45 minutes to an hour. It wouldn't be bad if she was just venting it. I don't try to fix her situations anymore. It's that she vents, but takes stress out on me. It's why I feel like now that it is affecting me, I can't just sit around and do nothing. It affects me. It is problematic for me.

 

 

The time I helped her was because she was treated poorly and primarily ignored when going to this physics help room in college. Some TA grad students took help room as a chance to focus on personal work, would sit at the compute with head phones on and be very rude to those that interrupted for help.

 

I wrote a pretty chastising e-mail to the physics chair and course instructor telling them that this behavior from their TAs is ludicrous and that it wouldn't fly in the chemistry department. Things changed, and her teacher apologized to the class on the TAs behalf. That is how I got busted.

 

 

Anyway, hopefully it won't be an issue anymore since I thinks he is ready to quit! Though the only difference in your situations is that she has one other superior, the vet owner, who always sides with J.

 

 

I honestly feel like this is an abusive relationship. She puts down everyone so much at the practice, they feel trapped, worthless, and unable to change. I wish everyone would up and quit on the exact same day, with no two week notices. The problems it would cause with the clientele would be huge, the vet owner would take a hard hit to income that month plus lost business for people offended enough to find a new practice, that she can no longer walk around with these blinders of how her staff manager treats her staff.

 

 

This lady also has remote desktop setup on the computers at work. Randomly, and not to say, time wasting, they lose control while J spys on what is open. That includes reading private emails sent from private gmail accounts just because someone had to log into gmail for something related to work- or checked their email during lunch hours. I googled to see if that was illegal, and well it's a grey area.

 

OK, I gotcha there.

 

No you shouldn't have stepped in that time but you know that already - fair enough.

 

If she has vent time without you suggestion things to say and do and is still saying you are worthless for basically saving on tumble dryer electricity then..this is a regular thing with her isn't it?

 

I didn't take my grief out ON my guy, I vented to him and then we had a great evening together.

He vented about things to me too so it was by no means just one of us.

 

Your gr does work for a bully but she sounds like she is one herself to me.

 

How is she on a weekend or days off when she is away from J?

[VengeanceGuidesMe]

I once came here and posted about a 4081 paragraph rant about my gf... Then deleted it. That account was even lost over time. I came back to seek other advice and couldn't find my old account. We have been together a long long time now. We met my second year of grad school.

 

 

Things can be a bit of a roller coaster. Yes, she has an attitude problem herself. I noticed this with her pervious job (She had a female vet tell her that it was time for her to use supers if she needs to change her tampon.. even though it was the first time during work and it was like 1 in the afternoon, so I know she isn't just overly sensitive.. I mean that is crazy, right?) and other situations that she tends to be very aggressive towards people.

 

Trust me, I have existential crisis all the time on whether I should stay or go. You may or may not have read any of my previous posts, but one in particular is my issues with women. I have never felt like I have fallen in love, and this is the closest thing to a normal relationship I have ever had. The longest one that that too. I can't tell if I just am too idealistic on what I want, bitter about my teens-young adult years (I'm 30 now), or what, but I usually break a girls heart and move on to the next one. Maybe I am looking for solutions to our relationship problems before I quit, I don't know if I can manage breaking any more hearts. I'm a bit ****ed up, but that is neither here nor there. I wanted to figure out what sorts of things she can do to change this work situation. Maybe it's her, maybe her blowing up on me isn't this job or the last one.

 

On weekends, she can be both loving and mean. She either loves me with her full heart, tells me that she can't imagine a future without me. To telling me she thinks I am worthless, or a prick, or being stupid. I don't know, it's hard to explain. I am in this situation and wondering wtf just happened. Then I get pissed, tell her off, leave. Come back and she is so loving then. It's like a cat, cuddles or claws baby, cuddles or claws.

[rester]

On weekends, she can be both loving and mean. She either loves me with her full heart, tells me that she can't imagine a future without me. To telling me she thinks I am worthless, or a prick, or being stupid. I don't know, it's hard to explain. I am in this situation and wondering wtf just happened. Then I get pissed, tell her off, leave. Come back and she is so loving then. It's like a cat, cuddles or claws baby, cuddles or claws.

 

When the above bolded happens, tell her that you understand she had a bad day and that she is upset, but that it doesn't give her the right to take it out on you. You will support her the best you can, but that you won't tolerate her taking her anger and frustrations out on you.

 

It sounds like she gets abusive with you, and that's not right at all. You shouldn't have to put up with that.