Dear Lady Disdain Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 (edited) Hi there, would so appreciate some advice...I am on the brink of asking to transfer from my job, I think I have to I work in a team of five women and a man, only the manager, boss, me and the man are full time so we are in the most The other women are part time Story is this...I became friendly with this man, I made the mistake of having lunches with him outside the office and socialising with him though numerous red flags were there From the start he was strange, he asked personal questions about my childhood and on first meeting, asked if I thought the manager liked to be controlled by her husband! I went to his gym with him on a guest pass and that was when I first discovered how angry and moody he can be He admitted to me he was bipolar, he can be charming, funny and amusing but very angry too. Initially when I distanced myself seeing the signs he was hostile to me and irritable, glaring at me and putting me down in front of others. He would mock me and him and the woman who is now manager would laugh at me and exchange looks Fast forward, unfortunately we began to have lunch again and he told me sad stories about how hard his life was and seemed to have a thing about this manager, one minute thinking she was great, then he hated her, she is a pretty nasty person with a reputation of complaining about people. But he would always say how sorry he felt for her which hurt me because they were pretty nasty to me Anyway to cut a long story short let's move forward. This married manager is heavily flirting with him and he flirts back though he flirts with all the women. When him and I became close and were getting on like a house on fire she gets moody and starts to slam things around Then two simultaneous problems emerge: 1) this guy gets more moody and nasty and moves five mins away from me. He would always ask what I am up to and invite me for drinks or coffee but would often be nasty or rude for no reason, criticising me for everything, for being too nice for people, the way I cross the road, saying I am dopey and common etc. And saying how beautiful all my work colleagues are with hearts of gold, raving about how great they all are. He brought this up again and said how pretty my housemate was too and I asked him to stop, saying it made me feel ugly, doesn't he think I am pretty, he then mocked me saying I had a crush on him and he didn't on me yet same time referred to our " relationship " and flirt. Anyway it reached a point where I couldn't be bothered and began to distance myself...his moodiness escalated to the point it was starting to spill over into the office and we would not be speaking or I would start to snap at him for being nasty a couple of times. He would also always vent his anger on me but at other times was nice, funny and lovely Other team members witnessed him being nasty or mean but never said anything, even when he was surly, kicking furniture they would just say to me " oh is he ok ".... Because this guy can be nice, kind and lovely at times but then just turn 2) second problem! When we were getting on we both receive an email from the boss with an unofficial warning about whispering and inappropriate banter in the office which should be shared with colleagues and other people in the office may complain.....usually there is three of us with the manager, the email was unfounded and this manager would slam things about and get angry as above if we got on so we pretty much knew it was her who had got this email sent He said he was furious about it and how much he couldn't bear this manager, how spiteful she was and catty about me, I know she doesn't like me, I think she is very jealous... Anyhow, following on from this I come in this week and see his computer is switched on but he isn't around. Then somebody points out neither is the manager. It transpires that they have both left the office together in the morning and disappeared somewhere, god knows where, for almost an hour together leaving us to man the phones and it wasn't even a proper meeting. I thought as a so-called friend who doesn't like this manager who just got us into trouble he would tell me what it was about but no! I felt very excluded after the email... This guy is a temp and may be after my job. And this took place the day the boss went on holiday, they came back jokey, pally and flirty so I felt pretty much stabbed in the back. I had the feeling they had been discussing me When I came in the next morning this guy is barely talking to me. He normally sits next to me but was sitting at another desk saying his computer is down and nobody fixed it but doesn't try to get it fixed. I asked him who called the meeting and he told me she said " do you want to talk? " and went off with him and he said " when she asks me questions about you what am I meant to say? " so appears that she grilled him about me in this unofficial chat.... I was upset and he then said I was creating drama... Anyway so nobody is speaking to me very much, I don't know why....and he acts jovial so does she but when everyone is away he sits at the desk not speaking to me and by this time I was feeling hurt, upset and excluded so I say " did she tell you not to speak to me or something as nobody here is speaking to me today... " ( they weren't and she had also been going off with the other women ) upset, I said " well we won't speak then"....I was hurt because I had considered him a friend Then to my shock he says " if you keep this up I'll put in a complaint against you! "..... I said I am already going to complain anyway next week when the boss comes back. He must have told the manager as she then came over and asked if I wanted to talk....I said no, I was seeing the boss next week and ignored them both I will ask to transfer, I feel I have been bullied and their meeting was totally unprofessional. I feel unsafe, I think these people are both narcissists. The hurt was unbelievable, I cared for this guy, I listened to his problems, comforted him, covered up his mistakes and O now feel hurt and stabbed in the back I just want out and away from him. Guy before me in this team also had a breakdown and went AWOL, please can anybody help at all, am I mad to be aggrieved? It's just that, as somebody pointed out, I was accused of excluding others and then excluded. I feel bullied. I was clearly upset yesterday and she was happier and more giggly than ever, flirting with this guy, he was quiet though I am on probation, my probationary report is just coming up...god, would be grateful for any help thank you, I am currently beating myself up and blaming myself for it all Xxx Edited May 30, 2015 by Dear Lady Disdain Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 (edited) Change jobs. The trouble with carrying on with people at work besides the obvious is that other people do catch on and they have many valid reasons for resenting it. Go ahead and stand up for yourself, but whether you slept with him or not, you did have a relationship that got too personal for work. I mean, you've pretty much admitted it got flirty, but if you really didn't get flirty back and he got way out of line, then tell them that. But it does sound like you were having a relationship of some type voluntarily. Edited May 30, 2015 by preraph 1 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 (edited) but the manager offered you what was offered to him - a meeting - he would be excluded from it, this is a mediation process, not bullying, seeing two sides of a story they might lie about you so you have no grounds for complaint, be careful, just do your job, tbh, any emoting in the workplace, now or in the past is not company policy you are not a big boss there, better pleasantly keep your head down plz, do not go in on monday hating everybodys' guts, like a dramatic revenge unfolding new week, new start Edited May 31, 2015 by darkmoon Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 Business & pleasure don't mix, unless you're in the sex industry. Avoid office relationships. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
applej4 Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 OP, you're spending way too much time on this. Keeping track of every word said, every look, every little detail and nuance. You should separate your personal life from work- they never mix well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dear Lady Disdain Posted May 31, 2015 Author Share Posted May 31, 2015 Hi Preraph, thank you for your reply...we were never even in a relationship, I feel that this guy is smeaky, or maybe smart and cunning, ever since this all blew up he has been ultra charming, flirty and friendly to all the other girls in the team I am afraid to say that in contrast I have felt broken by these tactics, picked on and excluded, he actually treated me pretty horribly behind the scenes and was quite bullying...he hatched a plan I went along with for us to be " upset " and not speak to the other people in the team together. Then it blew over and was fine and then after the meeting, he just totally kept me in the dark Regretfully I was visibly hurt and upset and withdrew, did my work and stopped speaking to anybody and could barely be civil, it triggered a lot of personal trauma for me, I am in counselling and this sort of thing has never happened before, couldn't deal with it..... Thank you too dark moon, yes they will lie about me I am sure. She only offered me a meeting too because he told her I was complaining For all I know he could have lied already and it was him who arranged the meeting to stitch me up, we do the same job. I am on probation, soon to become permanent if I pass, he is an agency worker on a contract due to end I know what you are saying but it's so hard for me to pleasantly keep my head down and be nice to these people Normally I am really nice to everybody...but I guess with all the stuff going on and then with him in addition moving desk away from me, I felt terrible I have a feeling he arranged the meeting and maybe I will speak to that manager too, informally, on Monday morning Just felt betrayed as if he was plotting stuff behind my back I am worried because I have been unable to barely speak a word there I was so hurt, crying about what had happened, I couldn't help it...( not in the office ) Do you guys think I should go in and act nice and pleasant, I can do that...next week, arrange a meeting with the manager and just say I want to transfer. I have to get away from this guy, I feel he tried to make me paranoid, convinced me the manager was bullying me and told me so called nasty things she said about me to him He was angry when I replied to her emails. Said I should ignore her.....and I feel like all the time he has had a game plan to get my job I want to transfer asap, do you think I should ask and in the meantime stand up for myself to the manager about what's been going on and act nice and pleasant when I go in on Monday? Xxx Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dear Lady Disdain Posted May 31, 2015 Author Share Posted May 31, 2015 (edited) LOL yes perhaps it's just as well he is sitting in another seat for now... Yes I can't help taking it personally and I don't want anything much to do with him now but have a feeling he will have told lies about me to the manager Feel paranoid because now the whole team is fishing for questions about how often I see him and I've said, not often and we have never been more than friends! I just find it ridiculous as he has been pretty horrible to me out of work, he is actually charming to everyone in the team but me and I guess I feel accused of stuff that isn't true! So hard to act " professionally " when I can hardly bear to be there! I have cut off all contact with him now as well which makes it all harder.... To just now be civil and business like.... I hope I can get a transfer and a fresh start....been praying He now will probably claim I am being vengeful, a woman scorned or something....I think I might tell my side of the story on Monday, I don't know, feel so confused Perhaps they are worried about me, I don't know...he moved house to a flat five mins away fro me too, they think we are flirty and pally but out of work his criticism was unrelenting, he yelled at me about wanting everybody to like me so much and would I modify my personality for other people, speaks to me like I am a kid telling me to stand on the kerb! And when I got him a gift of cup and saucer for his new flat shouted that he hated getting gifts and didn't want them! Stormed off in a rage when I said I was tired of endlessly analysing the office politics... My head feels done in Meantime he was telling me how wonderful everybody else was in the team...this is the guy whose bacon I saved, I helped him not to get the sack... I just want to get out...I know this is all my fault Perhaps on Monday though I will just apologise to the manager, let it blow over and only speak to this guy professionally as a colleague from now on Thanks for reading this novel! ;-) x Edited May 31, 2015 by Dear Lady Disdain Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dear Lady Disdain Posted May 31, 2015 Author Share Posted May 31, 2015 Thing is really though, why didn't the manager ask me if I " wanted to talk "... There has been an atmosphere between the three of us, but she didn't ask me, only him...we are a team of two in our office And when they came back I mentioned somebody moaning in a jokey way in passing and she said " it's good to moan sometimes..." And they laughed This has made me paranoid especially as it wasn't an official meeting and they were gone almost an hour My friends think I have got grounds to complain about this, especially as it took place the day that the boss went on holiday, they said it was very underhand... Link to post Share on other sites
MrChiLambda Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 Blaming yourself for working in an evironment that makes people toxic? No way. Not worth your time. The guy obviously is repressed, and fears letting his anger or opinions out, thus when you open up to them, it lowers thier inhibition or fears, making them vent. You can see clearly they closed right up when the boss person struck fear into you both with the letter. Bad environment. If you want to fix, blaming is the worst. Try to understand the environment and how it is ruining the situation. That may help more if you are able to conspire and change the environment itself. Happy hunting! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
applej4 Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 OP, you need to focus on doing your job. You are not being bullied, for crying out loud....that's ridiculous. Stop obsessing about that guy. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 First, I wouldn't want to work with a bipolar guy; it's just dangerous. If you work at a computer and do emails at work, I suggest in the meantime that you cc everything you do to your boss just in case your work ever comes into question. That said, no offense, but you seem to be acting unprofessionally yourself. You're getting paid to work, not make friends. And you're asking for trouble seeking anything else in a work environment. The more professional you'll be, the more professional everyone else will be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 (edited) this will not be the first time or the last in anybody's life, yours included, that an ambitious streetwise person climbs over others so you had better wise up here on Loveshack, rather than make a fuss at work, just make a descision to keep quiet there you worked at creating a bond with the temp guy, so live and learn, i have no idea why you dropped professional boundaries with him, seems like a crush it will not be the moral high ground that improves this situation (they are not friends, do not berate them, you will merely come off as a pain) the dealbreakers are whether you make the company good money and whether you are easy to work with work out your probation time with the least fuss, or you stand the risk of not getting accepted tomorrow, go in as if nothing has happened, get back on track Edited May 31, 2015 by darkmoon 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 OP - are there any policies against dating in your handbook? If not, especially among peers, I am confused why your relationship with him would be any interest. Now whether or not you are being bullied I am not sure. The manager is obviously a pretty poor one and has blurred lines with subordinates. I would take the hedgehog approach - head down and do your work and stop taking to the guy at all unless work related. I would speak with HR about the issue and get their thoughts if you feel you have some definitive issues with the manager. I would say, you ideally want to try and work it out with the manager first before going over her head. But start separating personal feelings from work, just focus on what you are supposed to be doing and don't worry about friendships, etc. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dear Lady Disdain Posted May 31, 2015 Author Share Posted May 31, 2015 (edited) Hey wow everybody, thank you so much for your advice and replies, I have calmed down a lot since this morning and decided to go in tomorrow and offer apologies for my behaviour of last week And I will tell the guy I will only associate with him on a professional basis for the foreseeable future Thing is he also moved just round the corner from me so will def have to set boundaries All these games are not worth me losing my job over... Still have appointment with boss, haven't decided what to say yet, may still ask about possibility of transfer so won't be working with this guy and I think the department is toxic anyway That was one BIG mistake and I hold my hands up! There are still things going on behind the scenes but will have to keep my head down, hedgehog style lol, keep an eye on things and behave, I don't need stress in my life and I don't want to lodge a complaint unless I have to I think the married manager fancies my colleague or wants him to fancy her more than anybody else but whatever, I will just protect myself and keep an eye and log and go to boss if I need to Keeping my distance should make everything easier, I already feel more detached as have not been associating with him out of work - I don't want to ever let my emotions spill out on to the office floor again! And I don't think I want much to do with him anymore except at work, he has hardly acted like a friend and may well be after my job... Thanks again Xxx Edited May 31, 2015 by Dear Lady Disdain 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dear Lady Disdain Posted May 31, 2015 Author Share Posted May 31, 2015 And no, there is no policy against dating in the workplace...it's all pretty weird All these replies are so kind, they will really help tomorrow, I will read them before I go to work Xx Link to post Share on other sites
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