Awkward situation

[greyskys62]

I've dug myself into a bit of a hole, completely my own fault, and I just wanted to see if there's any advice as to how I should proceed from here.

 

Back in June, my co-worker's mother died from cancer. I wasn't extremely close with my co-worker but usually saw her on a daily basis and talked to her a little about her mom being sick. When her mom died, I couldn't attend the services because I had a wedding out of state that weekend. I felt horrible that I couldn't go, but I contributed to a collection for her. She came back to work the last week of school, but she looked like a zombie and I'm ashamed to say that I was too uncomfortable to approach her-- I didn't know if she wanted to talk to anybody (I passed her quickly in the hallway and gave a sympathetic smile, and she just stared back at me), so, I avoided her altogether.

 

I wish I just had the balls to give her my condolences and a hug, but I didn't. I should have at least sent her a sympathy card, but I didn't, and I'm kicking myself now. Because then, school was out for the summer, and I didn't see her again until a week ago, when we were out for another co-worker's birthday. We chatted a little within the group, but I felt so guilty about never acknowledging her mom's death. I have no idea if she remembers that I didn't or if she cares--obviously I am the last thing on her mind when she's going through such grief-- but I felt like it was the elephant in the room on my end. (Selfish, probably, I know.) It wasn't appropriate to bring it up when we were out with everyone, so, like a coward, I sent her a message on Facebook the next day apologizing that I had never given her my personal condolences and that I was so sorry for her mom's loss. I felt better after sending the message, but then... she never responded. It says that she read it, though, so now I feel even more awkward and wish I never sent it. Was it two months too late, or is it never too late to express condolences for a loss?

 

Anyway, school starts up again next week and we are bound to cross paths again, likely on a daily basis. What now? Do I pretend like I never sent that message if she doesn't acknowledge it in person? Do I bring it up in person, at the risk of her getting upset? Have I already done the damage?

 

I tend to obsess over things and make them into a huge deal when they're not, so I'd just like some outside perspective here. Thanks.

[adapting]

At this point I would say don't bring it up in person. Take your lead from her. If she brings it up obviously talk about it, but if she doesn't say anything about it, let it go. It's probably hard for her to deal with the loss let alone having to talk to someone about it, or even write about it. She probably understands your position of feeling awkward talking about it in person, and she probably appreciates that you were thinking of her and did send her a message, so you haven't done anything wrong. But if you talk to her in person about it now, it seems more like it would be because you didn't get a response, and then it becomes about how you're feeling, not about how she's feeling.

[greyskys62]

That's a great point-- I don't want to make this about me at all, and it could definitely come to that if I persist. Very sound advice.. thanks so much!