Coworker will not leave me alone.

[beavs]

I (F, 20) work in retail. There's a coworker (G) (M, 22) that can not take a hint or respect the fact that I am in a relationship. Ever since he transferred to my store (in December, I believe), he's had a crush on me. I made it clear to him that I am in a relationship and I am not interested in him at all in that way. He seemed to understand and we both remained friendly coworkers. I even gave him a ride home a few times because he lives in my town and he does not have a car and relies on his parents to drive him. All seemed okay. Until Valentines Day.

 

I received strawberries and a teddy bear whilst at work. I assumed they were from my boyfriend. The card was not signed, however, and bf was coming over to see me anyways, but I just assumed it was bf being a dildo and trying to throw me off. I got home and texted bf, thanking him for the berries and such. He goes "babe, I didn't send those. I've got your gifts with me."

 

I texted my gossip-obsessed coworker asking if she knew who sent them to me (I don't know many people from outside of work so I knew if they weren't from bf they'd be from somebody in the store). She confirmed that they were from G and she said she was sorry for not telling me when I was there but G was "so excited" he had to tell somebody, and he told her.

 

He messaged me on Facebook later that night and had asked if I liked the gifts. I said I appreciate the thought, but it was inappropriate and I told him I'd reimburse him for them (my mother had devoured them [she and pops don't celebrate Valentine's Day...]). He said that it was fine and to have a nice night. Okay. That's settled.

 

Not quite. Ever since then, at least once a week either through social media or at work, he asks me out. To either go to the movies, or go to a concert, or go to DC with him to go to the museums. Each time I tell him no. Lately, I've just been ignoring him, hoping he'll get the hint to leave me the heck alone. He also has a habit of hovering over me. I go outside to smoke a cigarette, oh hey he comes out to smoke a cigarette too. I'm in the office getting paper work, oh hey he decides to come into the office too. It's irritating. And unnerving.

 

I'm kind of at a loss for what to do here. Working when he's there is uncomfortable because I'm constantly looking over my shoulder. I feel like I've done my part of telling him to respect my boundaries, but obviously it has fallen on deaf ears. I don't know if I should go to my GM or what to do here. All I know is I've been dealing with this for too long and I'm tired of it.

[whichwayisup]

You need to be really clear with him one last time that you are not interested in any sort of friendship outside of work and that you have no intentions of going out with him ever.

 

Be honest and tell him it's making you feel really uncomfortable that he keeps asking you out and is sending you stuff.

 

Start by blocking him on facebook and do talk to your boss if this continues on and he still doesn't get that you want nothing to do with him outside of work. Maybe ask for different shifts so you're not working with him so much?

 

Keep ignoring his attempts when he asks you out. Any kind of reaction is what he is looking for, good or bad.

[mammasita]

Talk to your GM immediately.

 

Unfortunately I have a feeling that in retail, things like this might not be taken as seriously as they would be in large corporate environments but I do hope I'm proven wrong.

 

You've told this guy plenty times since December that you're not interested and he hasn't stopped. Talk to your GM like last month!!!!

[beavs]

You need to be really clear with him one last time that you are not interested in any sort of friendship outside of work and that you have no intentions of going out with him ever.

 

Be honest and tell him it's making you feel really uncomfortable that he keeps asking you out and is sending you stuff.

 

Start by blocking him on facebook and do talk to your boss if this continues on and he still doesn't get that you want nothing to do with him outside of work. Maybe ask for different shifts so you're not working with him so much?

 

Keep ignoring his attempts when he asks you out. Any kind of reaction is what he is looking for, good or bad.

 

Thank you for the response. My schedule can't change due to the position in my store. His schedule is all over the place. I open M-F and he either opens, closes, or he's off. So thankfully, I don't have to deal with him in person too often, but it's still a pain in the neck when I have to deal with him.

 

The next time I tell him to bugger off essentially, should I do it over FB and then block him or do it in person? I'm not really a confrontational person and I've never been in this kind of situation before so I'm not really sure how I go about it. He clearly hasn't taken me seriously before so I don't know what kind of approach to take.

 

Talk to your GM immediately.

 

Unfortunately I have a feeling that in retail, things like this might not be taken as seriously as they would be in large corporate environments but I do hope I'm proven wrong.

 

You've told this guy plenty times since December that you're not interested and he hasn't stopped. Talk to your GM like last month!!!!

 

Thank you for the response, as well. One of the reasons I haven't gone to my GM is because I am afraid he will not take me or the situation seriously. My GM is a very nice guy and we get along well, but when it comes to associate "beef", he doesn't really do anything to mediate situations. I spoke to my supervisor about it today, which was probably a mistake because she's buddy buddy with G and she said she "understands", but G is just a nice guy who wants someone to talk to and when he hovers he "doesn't mean anything by it". I have a feeling if I talk to my GM I'll probably get a similar response.

[GG3]

Ugh I have been there and this guy won't quit like some I have seen. Have you tried telling him "Look, if this doesn't stop I'm going to the GM. I only want a working professional relationship." I had one try to push "but men and women can be friends...I just want to go to the movies as friends. NO. You get to decide who you want to be friends with too. The only other option I can think of is have your boyfriend talk to him? That might shut him up.

[preraph]

Yes, give him one more warning. Tell him, I thought we discussed this and I told you not interested and it's inappropriate. I'm telling you one more time I want no contact except necessary professional contact, and if you don't respect it, I'll have to go to the GM.

[Yasuandio]

Try this:

 

"If you do not stop stalking me, I'm going to make a police report. Do you get me, man?"

 

He will stay away from you you say that.

 

If he tattletales on you, he will look crazy, after previous conduct.

 

No win situation for him. Yas

[d0nnivain]

Management doesn't really want to deal with this interpersonal stuff but they will if they have to. It's the law. You are better off solving your own problem.

 

Give him one more verbal warning. If he violates it again, send him a letter documenting all the garbage & include the dates & times, emphasizing how, when & where you told him to stop. Send him a copy via snail mail, certified mail, e-mail & hand him one. Yes you have to use all of those methods. Close the letter by saying that this is his last chance & if he doesn't back off a copy of this along with your next complaint will go to managment. Then do just that. Mangement will be happier because they will have evidence they didn't have to go find.

[Yasuandio]

Management doesn't really want to deal with this interpersonal stuff but they will if they have to. It's the law. You are better off solving your own problem.

 

Give him one more verbal warning. If he violates it again, send him a letter documenting all the garbage & include the dates & times, emphasizing how, when & where you told him to stop. Send him a copy via snail mail, certified mail, e-mail & hand him one. Yes you have to use all of those methods. Close the letter by saying that this is his last chance & if he doesn't back off a copy of this along with your next complaint will go to managment. Then do just that. Mangement will be happier because they will have evidence they didn't have to go find.

 

Yes, this is much better. But is a thread here in this forum about a gal that was fired because another employee had a crush on her. You management team hasn't been very motivated. This methodology above would really support your claims, and you do legally have a right to an harrasment-free environment, it would seem. Very good post, outstanding advice. But a lot of work for the victim - as usual. Y

[preraph]

If your GM doesn't do anything, go over his head to regional or the owner or whoever you have to. Is there HR somewhere up the line? Definitely start there if there is.

[CC12]

The next time I tell him to bugger off essentially, should I do it over FB and then block him or do it in person?

 

Do it over FB. You'll have it in writing that way. Choose your words carefully so that there's no mistaking what you mean. Keep in mind that at some point, management might end up seeing what you wrote to him, so be respectful. Write something like, "Coworker, I feel I should tell you very frankly that I don't want to be friends. The anonymous Valentine's gift you had delivered to me at the office was inappropriate, as are your continuous requests to meet for movies, concerts, or trips out of town. I'm asking you now to stop. Please do not contact me outside of work. I hope you understand that I only want a strictly professional relationship during work hours and nothing more. See you at work." (I think you should definitely include in your message the weird valentine thing and his asking you out repeatedly. Just in case anyone not familiar with the situation happens to read your message - you'll give them context.)

 

 

Thank you for the response, as well. One of the reasons I haven't gone to my GM is because I am afraid he will not take me or the situation seriously. My GM is a very nice guy and we get along well, but when it comes to associate "beef", he doesn't really do anything to mediate situations.

 

He won't really have to mediate anything if you go to him and just say, "Look, there's a slight situation, and I believe that I've handled it and it's over with now, but I just want to make you aware of what's happening. I've asked Coworker to stop contacting me outside of work, and to remain professional. I'm hoping this is the end of it."

 

The only reason he would need to get involved after that is if your coworker didn't stop. That would be out of your hands.

[d0nnivain]

DO NOT DO IT OVER FB!!!!!! Yes, I am shouting.

 

Holy cow. I completely missed the part where you are FB "friends". That is your 1st mistake.

 

Block him as a friend immediately & tell him why.

 

Sexual harrassment is defined as unwelcome contact. The fact you voluntarily allowed him to be & remain your FB friend is an indication that you are not objecting to his behavior. It also makes me wonder what kind of mixed messages you are sending.

 

When he makes an advance, blushing & giggling while saying no can often be interpreted by men as "keep asking, eventually you will wear me down."

 

Try having your BF pick you up at work a few times or at least have him drop by.

[Art_Critic]

have your BF contact him would also be on the table at this point.

 

You need to take action as it can escalate from here to something worse.

[preraph]

I missed the FB thing too. WHY haven't you blocked him? You can't be afraid to offend people like this or they will take over your life! Block him and tell him no attention other than professional attention at work is welcome. You can't even complain about him until you've done your part and blocked him from everything! A stalking author, Gavin de Becker says "People who can't say no attract people who won't let go." And it's very true. He knows he's crossed the line and he doesn't CARE about your feelings about it, so stop worrying about his!! Tell him his attention is unwanted, block him everywhere, and if he keeps it up, then you must contact your company's HR department. Yes, they ARE trained to handle this. It's illegal conduct.

[beavs]

I thought I'd give an update.

 

Right after I made this thread, he was deleted and blocked. I didn't want to do it beforehand because my place of work is incredibly petty. So much **** gets started from Facebook and I didn't want to deal with the drama of it all. I didn't realize that him continuing to be my friend was an open invitation.

 

The constantly asking me out continued. He left movie tickets on the counter with a note for me that said "Think about it". Needless to say, I didn't have to think about it and left it there, but not before showing my manager. During this time, my boyfriend and I were having some issues and I broke up with him. Then a different coworker (Joe) had asked me and another coworker (Angela) to go to a music festival with him. I told him I would only go if Angela went and Angela said she would only go if I went, safety first and all that. Angela found out that creepster was going and had told her this is finally his shot to "get me alone" and at the hotel, he volunteered to share a bed with me, made mention of wanting to do sexual things to me. Angela contacted me and told me she was not going anymore. Said something else had come up and if she wasn't going, I obviously wasn't going. And then the following day at work she informed me of what she had learned.

 

I told him, once more, I want nothing to do with him. He said, sure, okay and we went about our day. And then he got my number from the associate number list the managers have. Texted me to please reconsider, he can make me so happy, etc. I told Angela, who is also my supervisor, about it. She alerted the assistant manager, and the assistant manager had a sit down with him and told him to basically leave me alone or she would have no choice but to advise me to speak to HR and he would probably lose his job.

 

And then it stopped. He's gotten quite weirder than usual, however. He comes to work on his days off, chills around, sleeps in the break room, hovers around people that are working, etc. He stays late on his shifts, while clocked out, just to hover around and be a ****ing nuisance. He still stares at me and his presence generally makes me uncomfortable until I'm at least on the other end of the store.

 

Regardless, it's finally stopped. For now. I really hope this is the end of it.

 

Thank you all for all of your advice. I really appreciate it.

Edited July 24, 2014 by beavs

[CC12]

Right after I made this thread, he was deleted and blocked. I didn't want to do it beforehand because my place of work is incredibly petty. So much **** gets started from Facebook and I didn't want to deal with the drama of it all. I didn't realize that him continuing to be my friend was an open invitation.

 

Being Facebook friends is not an open invitation for him to be inappropriate and constantly ask you out and follow you around all the time. Obviously, when you cut off a friendship, you should also de-friend them on Facebook, but I don't buy the idea that you were asking for his creepy attention by simply having him on your Facebook.

 

Anyway, thanks for the update. It's always nice to learn what happens after someone gets advice here. I have a feeling this isn't over yet, so please do update again when he behaves inappropriately again.

[Humphrey 101]

If, the harassment continues report it to the Human

Resources (HR). Not only that keeps a log and documents every single incident when he or she continues to harass you. And if the harassment continues and if Human Resources couldn't take action then bring it to the board of directors or to your manager, supervisor and boss!