Jump to content

Married - About to quit job due to crush


Recommended Posts

I'm married w/kids. So is my co-worker/crush. Safe to say, I'm in the "emotional affair" stage. The story is not unlike many other workplace crush threads I've read here going back several years, so I'll try to limit any rehashing.

 

I've clearly done things at work that I haven't done before or w/anyone else - the emails, IM's, "incidental" run-ins, etc. I don't know where she's coming from, although she certainly doesn't appear deterred or creeped-out. I'm too "clouded" to be able to judge if any of this is being reciprocated or whatever. Regardless, my focus at work is totally screwed up, and this will eventually affect my home-life, if it hasn't already.

 

There are other reasons for my considering a different job, but definitely trying to put an end to this insanity is high on the list. I know it has to end, and I have little hope that that can happen in the current work situation.

 

The only thing is, on my way out, i can't help thinking about sending a "pour your heart out" message or doing some other type of "reveal." If not right away, time away from her and this job might get the best of me and I'll be compelled to do it. Right now, this does not feel like something I can easily just pull the plug on and turn off overnight.

 

Not sure if I have a real question. Maybe I'm just hoping for a "silver bullet", or just general guidance. Thanks for reading.

Link to post
Share on other sites

What does your spouse say when you laid this revelation out on the table? Having her support in your decision should uncloud any concerns. Welcome to the forum.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks. I actually haven't told my spouse anything. That would basically be the equivalent of asking her to leave me. Sorry if I gave the impression that I revealed anything to her.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You had me at, "Im married, with kids." You know what you need to do, so do it. There are no questions here. Put your big boy panties on, and realize you are married with children, and that is your TOP priority. Currently, you are playing with fire, and a HOT fire at that. IF, you feel as though you cannot control yourself or shut this down at the workplace, you need to leave the workplace. No, I do not believe you should do any reveal. Are you insane?!?!?!?! What world are you living in?!?!?!?!?!??!?! NO NO NO NO NO! Stop it. No!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just stop whatever game you're playing because that is truly all it is. Go and give your wife a kiss and shut this nonsense down, and if you cannot control yourself at work, find a new job and cut all ties with this woman. Good luck! :) You know what youre doing is not right, and I don't think you really want to take this path. In the event this "new woman" is worth your time and everything you have put into your marriage, divorce your wife first. I hope she is worth having your children on Wednesday nights and every other weekend!!! Good luck!!!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

@daisydook, I understand this is the type of cold dose of reality I need to hear, and I thank you for that. You are absolutely right. I hope my will ends up being as strong as your message.

 

In this "reveal" I keep thinking of, that i agree is insane, I think of telling her I don't expect a response, that I just want to get it off of my chest. Yeah, I know.

 

It so crazy right now. On Fridays, I actually LOOK FORWARD TO Mondays when I'm back in office! And yeah, I did email her this weekend. I'll have to try to do better next weekend. It's Sunday night, and you can guess what I'm thinking about as the new work week approaches. Damn it!!!

Edited by Aquapoon
Link to post
Share on other sites
Right now, this does not feel like something I can easily just pull the plug on and turn off overnight.

 

Pulling the plug might not be easy, but you still have to do it. If you have to work hard on it, suck it up and get it done.

 

In this "reveal" I keep thinking of, that i agree is insane, I think of telling her I don't expect a response, that I just want to get it off of my chest.

 

Be honest with yourself. You wouldn't just be "getting it off your chest," you'd be telling her because you hope she feels the same way about you. And you'd be inviting the inappropriate relationship to continue. Sure, you wouldn't expect a response, but you'd be pretty happy if she responded positively to your big reveal, right?

 

There's nothing good that can come from telling her how you feel. Your wife might find out. Your crush's husband might find out. People at work might. And what if she does want more with you? Hopefully you'd come to your senses before anything really happens, but it would be a real **** thing to do to invite her to admit her feelings then turn around and say, "Actually, it can't happen and we can't be friends anymore."

 

So please just don't. Get a new job and say goodbye (a real, honest-to-god goodbye) to your coworker and try to never think about her again. I don't know how close you've gotten to this woman, but if it's just been some flirting and getting a little too comfortable with each other, I do not think you've betrayed your spouse or your marriage yet. Right now, it's just a "Woops, I accidentally developed feelings for someone" which is pretty normal and okay, I think. If you tell this woman how you feel or continue the inappropriate friendship past this point, you would definitely be much closer to cheating territory. Stop before you really screw up.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers
I'm married w/kids. So is my co-worker/crush. Safe to say, I'm in the "emotional affair" stage. The story is not unlike many other workplace crush threads I've read here going back several years, so I'll try to limit any rehashing.

 

I've clearly done things at work that I haven't done before or w/anyone else - the emails, IM's, "incidental" run-ins, etc. I don't know where she's coming from, although she certainly doesn't appear deterred or creeped-out. I'm too "clouded" to be able to judge if any of this is being reciprocated or whatever. Regardless, my focus at work is totally screwed up, and this will eventually affect my home-life, if it hasn't already.

 

There are other reasons for my considering a different job, but definitely trying to put an end to this insanity is high on the list. I know it has to end, and I have little hope that that can happen in the current work situation.

 

The only thing is, on my way out, i can't help thinking about sending a "pour your heart out" message or doing some other type of "reveal." If not right away, time away from her and this job might get the best of me and I'll be compelled to do it. Right now, this does not feel like something I can easily just pull the plug on and turn off overnight.

 

Not sure if I have a real question. Maybe I'm just hoping for a "silver bullet", or just general guidance. Thanks for reading.

 

Don't send the 'pour your heart out' email. Not yet.

 

You have the right idea by getting away. Maybe you can't pull the plug on it (emotionally) overnight, but it's what you need to do.

Link to post
Share on other sites

If you honestly think that your crush is on the verge of ruining your marraige, I applaud you for taking the step of getting a new job. Most people would wallow in the temptation until they gave in.

 

Since you don't know that the feelings are reciprocated don't send the reveal e-mail. It won't be well received.

 

Even if it is, what's the point? You are changing jobs to avoid the temptation. Why push the issue from theortical to possible?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks for the replies. She took a vacation day today. Part of me was very disappointed and sad, but another part of me felt a tremendous relief. This was the first day in the office in quite a long time when I could really just relax, not trip out, screw w/my own head, and just work. It really felt refreshing.

 

It's just one day. We'll be back together in the office again. I'll find out if this day motivates me or is simply forgotten.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 4 weeks later...
  • Author

So, I thought I had this thing in check. Things have been kinda low key, relatively speaking. I guess I've been really busy with work. However, the past few days have been a challenge. The IMs & emails, and today in the office, man, these have been setbacks. Part of me wants it all to just end, and another BIG part of me wants to do something stupid, give into temptation, and just totally screw everything up! Not sure what's going on... :confused:

Link to post
Share on other sites
TalesoftheWireMonkey
So, I thought I had this thing in check. Things have been kinda low key, relatively speaking. I guess I've been really busy with work. However, the past few days have been a challenge. The IMs & emails, and today in the office, man, these have been setbacks. Part of me wants it all to just end, and another BIG part of me wants to do something stupid, give into temptation, and just totally screw everything up! Not sure what's going on... :confused:

 

aqua,

I can really relate to your issues. In my case it's a little different since I'm single but I'm smitten with a married coworker who has children.

 

That desire to tell her the whole thing. Tell her exactly how I feel is almost overwhelming. It's so difficult to carry that around like you have committed a crime or like you are Batman.

 

It was so easy when you are young and everyone seems to be single if you fall for someone you ask them out or tell them how you feel they either accept or reject you then it hurts a little and you can move on.

 

But this, this not knowing(how they feel) and not being able to say. It rots your brain away. No wonder you can't concentrate at work.

 

It's so peaceful when your obsession isn't there if they take a day off or they're at lunch. You can feel alright and get your mind back on track.

 

When they are there though it's excruciating. everything takes on a heightened meaning. She walks across the room and never looks at you. You are devastated and decide there's nothing there.

 

The next thing you know she's whispering a private joke in your ear and all you want to do is grab her body.

 

in the meantime you are cursing yourself over and over for even considering what you know is blatantly wrong. You think of all the people you would hurt.

 

For me what has happened is she heard a gossipy coworker talking about us and that was enough of a reveal to at least acknowledge we were becoming close.

 

I still don't know for sure how she feels about me. Hopefully we both have enough sense to not let it become something physical!

 

I'm not even going to pretend to give you advice, I just wanted to share you aren't alone feeling like this. I will just wish you well, a clear mind and some peace.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

OTE=Aquapoon;5695341]@daisydook, I understand this is the type of cold dose of reality I need to hear, and I thank you for that. You are absolutely right. I hope my will ends up being as strong as your message.

 

In this "reveal" I keep thinking of, that i agree is insane, I think of telling her I don't expect a response, that I just want to get it off of my chest. Yeah, I know.

 

It so crazy right now. On Fridays, I actually LOOK FORWARD TO Mondays when I'm back in office! And yeah, I did email her this weekend. I'll have to try to do better next weekend. It's Sunday night, and you can guess what I'm thinking about as the new work week approaches. Damn it!!!

 

 

 

So you feel intense chemistry with this Coworker.

 

Did you not feel that with your wife ?

 

All experts point out that passionate love or feelings of passion almost always turn into compassionate love long term.....

 

2hq

Link to post
Share on other sites
learning_slowly

Yes I have had an affair and it was exciting. I could never concentrate at work, and eventually, I left my partner for her.

 

After about 6 months, the excitement had fizzled out and it was the same as the relationship before, but lacked other things such as shared interests etc.

 

What I have learnt from this is, you need to try and get some excitement back with your original partner rather than running off with another.

 

It will be alot harder, as naturally I don't think we are meant to be monogamous, and it takes work, but it will be far better if you do, as it will be a stronger relationship than the fling that means so much to you now.

 

I've seen this happen to alot of people since, where they have had affairs with a younger prettier woman and then realised they had made a mistake after leaving their partner for the other woman.

 

However, I can't live your life for you and maybe you'll need to learn this lesson the hard way.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think you're doing the right thing by leaving, but please don't spoil it by pouring your heart out as you go. It would be pointless. I mean, if you're ready to leave your wife and kids, leave them and THEN date other people, but obviously preferably not married ones! You know this. Part of you is trying to do the right thing here.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks again for the replies. Just doing my best to stay "right", strong and focused.

 

@TalesoftheWireMonkey, thanks for the post. Your line about her "walking across the room and never looking at you..." is so true, lol. That's the type of mind **** that I put myself through, and I hate that I'm doing it and wish I could stop or it would just end. At least it's the weekend - two days when I don't have to deal with this.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...