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Crushing on a cowoker


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spiritedaway2003

I feel a little funny posting my thoughts on a relationship board, but there are some things that I'd like to get off my chest and I feel like I don't have anyone I could talk to about it (or I'd rather they not know).

 

Well, there is this guy at work that I am totally crushing on. I tried not to develop crushes on anyone at work because it's generally a bad idea. Also, I don't develop crushes easily or like someone romantically unless he makes quite an impression on me. Unfortunately, I can't control the way my heart feels (stupid emotions!!) and I really, really like this guy the more I got to know him. In fact, I've even dreamed about him twice (stupid, stupid unsubconscious mind!)

 

We're just friends and nothing more.

 

The problem is...I know nothing would ever happen between us and I'd rather forget about him to save myself from heartache. (I am already "bummed out" as it is). I don't think there is any chance that we could get together because he has a funky relationship with his ex of many years and it'd be pointless for me to try to compete against her as he (evidently) still loves her very much just from the way he talked about her. There is no doubt that he'd get back together with her as soon as she says the word. In the meantime, he's also going out on dates.

 

The problem is...I have a really difficult time moving on because I see him everyday. We also chat because we're friends and we get along well. I also feel jealous when I overhear stuff about his dating life because it hurts me. Friends are supposed to be happy for one another, but I'm not exactly in that position and I feel like I'm an awful person and a terrible friend.

 

What do I do to get myself out of this jam to forget about him (maybe to save the friendship?) AND to save myself from a lot of heartache?

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Aw -- I'm sorry. You've described a nearly impossible situation. As long as you're not willing to look for a new job, here's my best advice:

 

1) pull back from the intimacy of the friendship (no going out after work together, no talking about dating / romantic relationships)

 

2) look HARD for another guy to get interested in and work even HARDER to focus your romantic interest / thoughts on him

 

3) if these both fail: a. cut the friendship off altogether when it gets too painful or -- as a last ditch effort before that -- b. ask the guy out and hope something develops

 

#3 b is risky. If the guy hasn't made a move on you, it's probably because he doesn't feel you that way. If you want to be sure, you can always flirt, drop a hint, or ask him out outright. You say that you think it won't go anywhere because of the ex -- and you may be right. But you might kick yourself later for not trying.

 

#3a will hurt too. You'll still have to see him everyday and will miss his company.

 

Ah well -- it's a tough situation and you're probably going to get hurt (and already are). I'll keep hoping for you.

 

-- uriel

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spiritedaway2003

Hi Uriel,

 

Thanks so much for your reply. It feels very comforting to hear a reply from someone else on this situation.

 

I'm not going to look for a new job, as I love my job and there is room for growth and advancement. :)

 

I think I am going to focus on your point #2. #3 is actually very risky in this situation, because we (and a couple of other people at my workplace) are a tight-knit group. We hang out together everyday. If I reveal it to him, it would bound to go around and I'll never hear the end of it. I don't even know what kind of ramification it would have on my professional life and I certainly don't want to make things uncomfortable for anyone if that approach doesn't work out. (I admit that I'm also old-fashioned when it comes to relationship/dating, but I'd prefer that the guy do the asking.)

 

Besides, even if we can't be together as a couple, I truly value our friendship and don't want to ruin it with a confession that would ultimately change the dynamics of our friendship (or the comfort level). I would be willing to risk it if he's interested, but I think you're right on point 3B. I just don't think he might be interested in me that way. Otherwise, he would have made a move already.) I just needed to hear this from someone else. And then there's his ex. Now, if only relationship matters could be less confusing.

 

Now, my problem is that I know (and have accepted) that I ought to move on, but there's this annoying voice at the back of my mind that keeps nagging me that there is still a CHANCE we could get together. That chance is probably next to none, but sometimes, I'm too optimistic for my own good. I'll try to follow your advice #2 as best as I could. The most complex feeling that's keeping me from trying to move on is that...I could actually see us together for the long term! I haven't met anyone (in my life, really) who I could get along with so well...so this doubly hurts. But I promise I'll do my best to move on.

 

Fred - Yes, uriel was correct, I'm female.

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The only thing you can do is just continue the friendship you have with this guy. Friendship is better then nothing!

 

I remember having a crush on this guy at work. It was really bad. I couldn't help but blush every time I saw him. God knows why. Lol. :laugh::o. No one has ever done that to me before. It was embarrasing.

 

Doubt he noticed but because he also had a crush on someone at work. The only thing wrong with that. The girl wasn't me! Unfortunately the other girl (bitch) felt the same way.

 

I always got jealous seeing them two together. You could tell there was something going on with them too when they were around eachother. Luckily I only worked there once a week. Still I always wished it was me. :(.

 

They both ended up leaving the job. The girl left first. The guy and I would flirt a little bit but I knew nothing would come of it. He was probably just flattered with the attention he was getting. It would never go too far though. We also got along pretty well before he ended up leaving too.

 

After I left. Heard a year after, they got married. :eek:. Just heard from clients and people about that. That I ran into. Just recently.

 

You will meet someone down the track eventually. I did! :D. You just have to keep looking and let it happen. Thought it would never happen to me.

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