How do I walk away

[DaisyandConfused]

I have a very attractive boss who flirts with me. The flirting always seemed innocent. One day when he and I were alone in the office, he hugged and kissed me. I didn't pull away because it felt good to be spending time with him. The more he would flirt and spend time with me, the more I somehow thought he was showing signs that he cares about me - possibly even on an emotional level. He started asking about my personal life, including my dating life. He seemed like he was genuinely showing an interest in me.

 

I knew he previously had a girlfriend, but I was under the impression they were no longer together. He had mentioned how she is very high-maintenance and is very demanding. He also made it sound like their relationship was toxic. He met the girlfriend when he was still living with his wife. He has been separated from his wife for 4 years, but he has not filed for divorce.

 

Here is my story. I thought he was single - except for the long-term separation from the wife. Lately, he has been contacting me and asking when we can get together. He was talking about meeting up for a trip, during lunch, or scheduling an afternoon meeting off-site (and these would not be work events, just ways to spend alone time with me). He said he cannot meet up during the evening because his daughters take up a lot of his time with their dance and piano practice and recitals, and I believed him. He finally admitted that he cannot meet up after a certain hour in the evening because he practically lives with the girlfriend.

 

I'm confused. I developed feelings for him, and I want the feelings to end immediately. I cannot be an accomplice to an affair with his girlfriend (and technically his wife too). Any suggestions on how to handle this while keeping it drama free in the workplace and not letting anyone even suspect what is going on? We are engineers, so I can try to get assigned to a different subgroup, but that will take time.

 

I am also confused because I thought he truly cared about me. I'm not stupid, so how was I so blind to this ordeal?

Edited January 15, 2014 by DaisyandConfused

[Emilia]

I knew he previously had a girlfriend, but I was under the impression they were no longer together. He had mentioned how she is very high-maintenance and is very demanding. He also made it sound like their relationship was toxic. He met the girlfriend when he was still living with his wife. He has been separated from his wife for 4 years, but he has not filed for divorce.

 

Here is my story. I thought he was single - except for the long-term separation from the wife. Lately, he has been contacting me and asking when we can get together. He was talking about meeting up for a trip, during lunch, or scheduling an afternoon meeting off-site (and these would not be work events, just ways to spend alone time with me). He said he cannot meet up during the evening because his daughters take up a lot of his time with their dance and piano practice and recitals, and I believed him. He finally admitted that he cannot meet up after a certain hour in the evening because he practically lives with the girlfriend.

 

I'm confused. I developed feelings for him, and I want the feelings to end immediately. I cannot be an accomplice to an affair with his girlfriend (and technically his wife too). Any suggestions on how to handle this while keeping it drama free in the workplace and not letting anyone even suspect what is going on? We are engineers, so I can try to get assigned to a different subgroup, but that will take time.

He is your boss so you can't shut communication down with him completely, however you will have to do your upmost to keep it on a professional, as impersonal as possible level. My sympathies, that's difficult.

 

What could help to distance yourself would be perhaps re-reading what I bolded: what an ******* he is. He might be stringing his wife along, blackens his girlfriend he lives with in your eyes so that he could get sex out of you, doesn't care the slightest how much he hurts people when he uses them.

I am also confused because I thought he truly cared about me. I'm not stupid, so how was I so blind to this ordeal?

Some people are so damaged that they can sell their dysfunction to us because we don't suspect for one minute that they would be either so insincere and so selfish. Or we buy into the 'vulnerability'. Ha, yeah right

 

I work with a guy who was so flirty with a girl in the office that it didn't even occur to me that he had a long term girlfriend. He completely tied that girl to himself, pulled her in with some of the damaged stuff (toxic relationships? ) some women fall for. While he was engaged he screwed one of the barmaids in our local pub in the downstairs lavatory. He then told me afterwards 'he wasn't really like that'. No of course not.

 

Some people are truly screwed up, enter very difficult and indeed toxic relationships, have fraught marriages but that's how they live.

 

I bet this boss of yours drinks too? Or has some other addiction?

[d0nnivain]

Tell him you don't date men who are involved. If he breaks up with his live in GF, maybe you would consider dating him (you already know he's a cheater so think long & hard about that) but for now you need the relationship to go back to boss employee. If he doesn't respect that, go to HR & report him for sexual harassment.

[Confuddled1983]

Personally I would make up a boyfriend just because I'm hopeless at telling people I'm not interested.

[DaisyandConfused]

I bet this boss of yours drinks too? Or has some other addiction?

 

He seems to have a porn addiction. When he and I were communicating often, he would talk about porn and ask if I would do certain things. He made little comments about all of the porn he would view.

 

When I saw him today, he made a comment about wanting to see me naked. That comment shocked me, so I commented that he would be uncomfortable seeing me naked since he is my boss! Although, I should not have commented, I was wanting him to say I was right because it would not be appropriate since he is in a LTR. His response was that he would not be uncomfortable. I should not have been surprised by the answer. To me, that does not seem like he cares about his gf or her feelings.

 

I believe it is time to look for transfer to another group in the company.

[pink_sugar]

He seems to have a porn addiction. When he and I were communicating often, he would talk about porn and ask if I would do certain things. He made little comments about all of the porn he would view.

 

When I saw him today, he made a comment about wanting to see me naked. That comment shocked me, so I commented that he would be uncomfortable seeing me naked since he is my boss! Although, I should not have commented, I was wanting him to say I was right because it would not be appropriate since he is in a LTR. His response was that he would not be uncomfortable. I should not have been surprised by the answer. To me, that does not seem like he cares about his gf or her feelings.

 

I believe it is time to look for transfer to another group in the company.

 

If he is legally separated from his wife, he is not cheating on her, but if he wants to see you while he is living with someone else, that's a problem. The guy sounds like bad news. I would put an end to things now and tell him you're not comfortable going any further since he is your boss and the fact he has a girlfriend. If he has a problem with that, go to HR and let them handle this issue until you can get your transfer.

[DaisyandConfused]

If he is legally separated from his wife, he is not cheating on her, but if he wants to see you while he is living with someone else, that's a problem. The guy sounds like bad news. I would put an end to things now and tell him you're not comfortable going any further since he is your boss and the fact he has a girlfriend. If he has a problem with that, go to HR and let them handle this issue until you can get your transfer.

 

We do not have legal separation here in my state. Since they separated 4 years ago, it seems pretty obvious that he is not going back to her, so I guess you can say he is not cheating on her. I do think it's bad news that he is practically living with his gf and so flirty with others. Perhaps I am being too sensitive about the whole thing, but he has kissed me (just a peck once), has grabbed my butt numerous times, etc. Oh well, I will just ignore it and think nothing of his actions. Maybe if I ignore, he will stop.

 

He was alone a couple of evenings this week, so he contacted me initially asking work questions. I responded by sending replies to his work cell phone. He asked that I only respond on his personal cell phone. I have decided to only reply to work related questions, and all replies will be through email if he does not want me to reply on his company cell phone.

Edited January 18, 2014 by DaisyandConfused

[Secret Advisor]

You are already in too deep. You like this guy and are too weak to actually stop things from going further. Even worse he is your boss. As long as he is getting these mixed messages from you, he will think that he has a chance and will keep up the pressure until you give in.

[Survivor12]

He seems to have a porn addiction. When he and I were communicating often, he would talk about porn and ask if I would do certain things. He made little comments about all of the porn he would view.

 

When I saw him today, he made a comment about wanting to see me naked. That comment shocked me, so I commented that he would be uncomfortable seeing me naked since he is my boss! Although, I should not have commented, I was wanting him to say I was right because it would not be appropriate since he is in a LTR. His response was that he would not be uncomfortable. I should not have been surprised by the answer. To me, that does not seem like he cares about his gf or her feelings.

 

I believe it is time to look for transfer to another group in the company.

 

The reason your response to him backfired is because you gave him the power by making it about what HE would feel instead of making your OWN feelings known. Obviously, since he told you what he wanted, telling him that he doesn't is rather pointless and, in fact, giving him the opportunity to reiterate his intent.

 

Instead of trying to convince him that he is wrong, you need to be letting him know that it's not going to happen because YOU aren't interested and that you are uncomfortable being talked to like that by your boss. His gf is HIS problem. Making her yours is stepping over the line of professionalism into personal space. He is your BOSS, not your friend. How he lives or what he does in his personal life is none of your business. You don't need to know anything more than: a) he is your boss & b) that he is in a relationship to know that messing with him would not be good for you.

 

The next time he says something inappropriate (i.e. sexual or about his gf) or comes on to you physically or suggestively, tell him calmly but confidently that he is making you uncomfortable and that it needs to stop then walk away.There is no need to justify yourself with reasons. He knows that he is your boss and that he has a gf so there's no point in reminding him, because obviously he doesn't care. Don't give him any opening to think that he can change your mind.

[Breaking123]

Wow.... I agree with Survivor12

Edited January 18, 2014 by Breaking123

[preraph]

Oh, Honey, no. This guy is married and staying that way and just cheating as much as he can. Never think "it's meant to be" or "he'll change if he meets the right woman." He thought she was the right woman. Now he's cheating on her.

 

He's ramping up because you didn't run screaming from the office like you should have done when he kissed you. Now you need to tell him you were confused for a minute, but to stop it entirely. If he doesn't, go over his head and report him.

[czanclus]

Posters above me gave good advice. I am curious - are you still attracted to this guy after him admitting that he lives with another woman? I would start with ignoring him first. If that doesn't send the message across, and he is still telling you he wants to see you naked, tell him once that you do not appreciate his comments. If he doesn't stop, tell him you'll report him.

 

His character is objectionable, and for that alone I would lose interest without any effort to try and suppress my feelings. Take his flirting and overt come ons so far as compliments, and consider the fact that you can most likely if not altogether certainly get that kind of attention elsewhere with fraction of the drama. Good luck and success.

[MidwestUSA]

He seems to have a porn addiction. When he and I were communicating often, he would talk about porn and ask if I would do certain things. He made little comments about all of the porn he would view.

 

When I saw him today, he made a comment about wanting to see me naked. I believe it is time to look for transfer to another group in the company.

 

 

You're right, it's time for a transfer. Actually, it's time to go to HR. It doesn't matter if you may have given him some idea that his advances were okay, he's over the line. He's in a supervisory role; he's not ignorant to the laws of sexual harassment. He's a sick twisted person who enjoys pushing his limits. Get as far away from him as you can. You're probably not his first victim, and won't be his last.

[pink_sugar]

We do not have legal separation here in my state. Since they separated 4 years ago, it seems pretty obvious that he is not going back to her, so I guess you can say he is not cheating on her.

 

If that's the case, the fact that he still isn't legally divorced 4 years later raises more red flags. Was divorce ever filed? Sounds like a big mess. Stay far far away.

Edited January 20, 2014 by pink_sugar

[Emilia]

I don't think I would go to HR, it's a can of worms usually. I agree with survivor's advice most.

[DaisyandConfused]

If that's the case, the fact that he still isn't legally divorced 4 years later raises more red flags. Was divorce ever filed? Sounds like a big mess. Stay far far away.

 

Divorce was filed, but the court dismissed the case for no action being taken. I think action has to occur within 2-3 years of filing. He did nothing to proceed with the case, and neither did his wife.

[DaisyandConfused]

Thankfully, the boss has stopped the flirting. He talks to me as a friend and treats me as such. He will give me a hug (if nobody is around), and I don't see anything inappropriate with hugs. He does still text when he isn't with his girlfriend, but the texts are no longer sexual. He texts telling me he is thinking about me and wanting to say hello and see how I am doing.

 

I've decided to not over think any of this and take it for what it is, which is a friend talking to a friend. Also, I had started looking for a transfer to another group, so I am not sure if he found out about that or not.

[DaisyandConfused]

I finally thought everything was history with the boss, but it's not. I have kept all communication professional, and I only talk to him when I absolutely have too. He contacted me Friday, and he just happened to mention that his gf was away for the weekend. He asked if I wanted to go see him. I told him no. Then I asked if he was serious, and he said no. He said he was having a great weekend because he could do so much when she is not in town because she dictates their evenings. Umm...what grown man let's a woman dictate his evening (including bedtime and television habits)? He seems so much happier when she is out of town. Oh, then I found out he is a member of a chat site that is basically a porn chat site. How disrespectful to the gf and their relationship!

[DaisyandConfused]

Well, I am back. You all have given such great advice, I am back here rereading everything.

 

Long story short, I started setting boundaries and telling the boss he was inappropriate. I would also tell him when he would cross the line. He seemed to be respecting boundaries, and then he went back to his old ways. The calls and texts started back. He was on vacation with his gf and emailed me from his work phone (not work related). I know he did that because he could easily tell the gf he was working, since messaging me from his personal phone could have raised concerns. Lately, it seems like the stronger I am becoming with completely avoiding him, the more passionate he is becoming. I received a text from him earlier this week asking me if I still love him?!?! Then he sent another text asking me if I want him to "shock me" in some way. I replied with "excuse me?" He then told me he wished he was in bed with me! I ignored that.

 

I was so infuriated, I wanted to email his gf. I have been looking for other jobs, but the field I am in is so saturated. Plus, I would have to move to another state or at least a city several hundred miles away to find a job like mine with the same income level (I live in a state that does not have many metropolitan areas and the economy is still struggling.)

[stillafool]

I thought you nipped this in the bud along time ago. How have you dealt with him between January - September? Why is he still disrespecting you? Have you told him to leave you alone?

[DaisyandConfused]

I had nipped it in the bud, or so I thought. I had ceased all communication. He was leaving me alone and our relationship was professional. Recently, we had to communicate outside of work for an issue that we were both aware of, he said he values my friendship and always wants to remain friends. So, I was a fool and started responding to his messages again. The messages were all appropriate. I would even contact him when I knew he was with the gf because I was not saying anything the gf wouldn't be able to see, and if he is a friend to me he shouldn't hide our friendship from the gf. Then he and the gf were apart again (they are often on again/off again) and the sexual comments returned.......and here I am again. I tell him when he crosses the line, or I just do not respond. The more I do not respond, the more he tries to communicate. He apologizes when he crosses the line. I am not believing his apologies anymore. However, I do realize I still have feelings for him, and I thought they had gone away.

[LuckyLady13]

DaisyandConfused, I knew this was going to go very bad when I read that you said he was hugging you and you thought this was alright? Bosses don't hug their employees, especially in the environment you work in. That is so abnormal and inappropriate!

 

You need to make two words roll right out of your mouth: "Not interested."

 

Every time he sends an inappropriate text, email, makes a comment, tries to touch you, tell him you aren't interested!

 

You gave this guy the green light when he was hugging you that you're a pushover and don't know how to say no. So...now you are where you are with this guy.

 

Besides this just being all wrong for a work environment, on a completely personal level, you really like a porn head cheater who has a wife, a girlfriend and you? You actually like this? Because you said yourself you have feelings for him. Up your standards, woman. This guy is the bottom of the barrel. Actually, he's the slime on the bottom.

 

I am a really honest person but I almost agreed with lying to him and telling him you have a boyfriend. Really, why don't you have a boyfriend though? Why are you wasting time with a disgusting excuse for a man like this?

 

You have to be having self-esteem issues to accept hugs from someone so gross. The guy isn't just playing games with you, his girlfriend and his wife. There's more and he's always on the lookout for more. The guy is probably crawling with STD's.

 

There are men out there so exponentially better than this guy I can't even put it into words. He's not even in the same ballpark!

 

You really need to get your self-esteem together for your own sake and your future so you can see guys like this clearly for what they are - disgusting. This is not someone to have feelings for. This is someone to be revolted by. This guy should be making your skin crawl and he should be making you feel nauseated.

 

Find yourself a normal, sane guy without so many screwed up issues and do things for yourself to get your self-esteem up to where it belongs.

 

You said you're an engineer, right? Wow. This is just so absolutely inappropriate for your work environment and this guy (as disgusting as he is) is a distraction. Do you even realize the level of sexual harassment going on here?

 

I don't know how your self-esteem got so low that you think attention from a creep like this is a good thing but work on your self-esteem. Seriously.

[DaisyandConfused]

LuckyLady - thank you for your honest reply. You are correct, I have self-esteem issues. I grew up in an abusive home, and I have dated men who have abused me. I have been bruised verbally, emotionally, and physically by men who said they really loved and cared for me. When the boss started showing affection, it felt safe because in my mind I didn't think he could hurt me since he was my boss. I know I am opening myself up to a lot of criticism and humiliation by admitting this. I do appreciate your honest advice, so I am being honest with you,

[Survivor12]

Make no mistake about it--that man is NOT your friend. He has proven that he has no respect for you and the only interest he has shown for you involves getting you into bed.

 

And, I'm sorry but I don't believe you're completely innocent. You haven't done anything to convince him that you're not interested--because you ARE! Not only have you allowed him to fondle you, but you have given him some indication that you're enjoying it or he wouldn't have made the comment about still loving him.

 

The man is your boss. He has the power to fire you. Think about it...if you call his gf or cause him problems personally, do you really think he's going to keep you around? There was another poster recently who was fired when her boss' wife discovered an affair.

 

Be smart & stop playing with fire or you may very well get burned.

[DaisyandConfused]

Make no mistake about it--that man is NOT your friend. He has proven that he has no respect for you and the only interest he has shown for you involves getting you into bed. Valid point.

 

And, I'm sorry but I don't believe you're completely innocent. You're entitled to your opinion. You haven't done anything to convince him that you're not interested--because you ARE! I have told him he is inappropriate, I have told him that his comments need to cease, I have stopped replying to non-work related emails/texts after hours (so he started calling me). Plus, I thought my feelings for him dissipated, I hate that it stung when the calls and texts started back - which is how I realized I care more about him than I realized. Not only have you allowed him to fondle you the fondling only happened twice and the last time was almost a year ago, but you have given him some indication that you're enjoying it or he wouldn't have made the comment about still loving him. My thought is because I have backed away so much that he is trying to push my buttons, hence the love comment. I have never said anything remotely close to me loving him.

 

The man is your boss. He has the power to fire you. And I have the texts from him and replies from me stating the comments are inappropriate. Think about it...if you call his gf or cause him problems personally, do you really think he's going to keep you around? And this is a big reason why I feel like I am in a tough situation because I love my job. There was another poster recently who was fired when her boss' wife discovered an affair.

 

Be smart & stop playing with fire or you may very well get burned.

Thank you for responding.