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my boss is driving me crazy -


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Ok, sorry for the long post. This is my first post here, I really need some opinions. I started a new job about 18 months ago after a long term unemployment that devastated my self esteem. My first week at the job was also my boss ' first week too. We hit it off pretty good from the beginning. He is a great manager - very competent, fair, skillful supervisor. However, over the months as our relationship developed, a weird dynamic has emerged. For couple of weeks, he 'll be really friendly with me. He'll confide in me both professional and personal issues. Tell me what is going on in upper management, future plans, personal issues he has etc...Then, for the next few weeks, he'll just ignore me. He would still be very responsive professionally but socially he 'll just shut me out. This plays a havoc on my head. I cant figure out why he does this. I am constantly going thru this emotional roller coaster which is really bothering me.

My theory is that he is a very charming person and he manages people by using his charm. So he acts really friendly when he neeeds you to do something. He is also very attractive and he knows his effect on people especially females. This bothers me. He doesn't need to pretend to be my best friend. I am a professional, I will give 110% whether he likes me or not. I just feel this is a type of manupulation on his part.

My best friend on the other hand has a different theory. She thinks he has a major crush on me and when he thinks he crossed the line by being too close, he pulls away. Then he misses me and the whole cycle starts again. I was overweight most of my life and did not really get much male attention in my younger years. So I don't know how to read men. Recently, I lost lot of weight and look really good. But I never thought someone like him may be attracted to me.

In any case, how I behave towards him depends which of these theories is correct. There is also career considerations. I want to have good relations with him. This guy got two major promotions in the last year and a half and everyone expects him to go higher. A month ago, he got a promotion and will be going to another department. Then two weeks ago right before he left, he promoted me and just recently I learned I will be going to the department he is managing now. When we were discussing this issue I expressed surprise that I was transferring to his department and his response was "I want you so I got you".

When I think about it, i am thinking my friend may be right. In the recent weeks he became more attentive to me. He wont ever refuse any of my requests. When we are "on", he'll be visibly happy to see me, make full eye contact and shower me with complements (professional never personal). By the way, he is of married. So if he is hitting on me, it is a problem. Any thoughts?

_

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My immediate supervisor acts exactly the same way. He sees a counselor for a variety of mental illnesses which he takes medication for. I consider the behavior a reflection of his instability.

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I don't think that's the case with my supervisor. He is a pretty well balanced person, with everyone else that is. He is very well liked and respected. He behaves like this only with me.

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HokeyReligions

I've had bosses who ran hot and cold. I have a two-part theory. When he's nice he's getting some. When he has his worst day is when his wife has PMS. Distant days his wife is on the rag. ........

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[ QUOTE=HokeyReligions;5401076]I've had bosses who ran hot and cold. I have a two-part theory. When he's nice he's getting some. When he has his worst day is when his wife has PMS. Distant days his wife is on the rag. ........

 

LOL that is funny and I have had bosses like that in the past too. This one confuses me because he is not a moody person. And as I said before he does this with me only. I guess I am just worried because I really like him as a person and I would not want him hitting on me. There is a certain level of escalation in his interest against me in the last few months and it is freaking me out a little. Now that I will be in his new department, I don't want any complications. I also don't want to feel like a fool if that's what is happening here.

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Pay attention to what he does professionally but in your head & heart ignore everything he does socially. While he's confiding in you tuck that info away but don't assume his temporary niceness means anything.

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Thank you, that is what I have been doing for last 15 months. I guess I am really worried about his behavior in the last few months. When we are alone, his tone has changed. Some of the comments he made and the way he made them makes me uncomfortable. During these conversations, I ignore his comments and don't give him a response. But I don't know if this is working. I don't want to come right out and rebuff him but I don't want him to think I am open to this type of thing. As I said, I don't always know how to deal with things like this. It also makes me question my recent promotion even though I am a highly competent person with great work ethic and I also worked my @ss of last year. It also seems I am the only one surprised by recent transfer to his new department. Few of my coworkers commented that they never thought he would not take me with him to new department. This is all so confusing. Any suggestions as to how I should handle his comments if I feel they are inappropriate? Or may lead to something inappropriate. I really do like him as a person and would not want to mess up my relationship with him.

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I don't think that's the case with my supervisor. He is a pretty well balanced person, with everyone else that is. He is very well liked and respected. He behaves like this only with me.

 

If he hadn't told me I would have never known. He takes a fistful of meds every day and is also very well respected.

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"I want you, so I've got you." I'd watch out for this one. Doesn't really sound like a normal thing for a boss to say. However, I wouldn't worry unless he goes further...as in talks to you in any way that makes you uncomfortable, or even touches you.

 

At my last job, my boss would frequently give me hugs, or touch my head and say I was a "nice girl". He was older than my dad and there was also a cultural difference....guess he didn't realize his actions could be considered harassment. But it was definitely borderline with the way he'd hold my hand after I shook it for longer than a few seconds. It was definitely weird. Wasn't too much I could do since it was a small company and no HR.

 

EDIT, just saw your above post.

 

Whenever he says something that makes you uncomfortable, you can tell him you're not comfortable discussing such and such and if he continues, tell him you'd like to keep your discussion professional and workplace related.

Edited by pink_sugar
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  • 3 weeks later...
Secret Advisor

There's only one reason why you will not rebuff him. You like the attention and you are on a slippery slope to an affair.

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If he is your boss then he shouldn't talk to you about personal issues. That's unprofessional and inappropriate.

 

It seems that some boundaries are getting a bit fuzzy here.

 

You say you "are a professional", so act like one. Set the boundaries yourself and if he starts telling you personal stuff suggest he discussses it with his wife, because you don't feel comfortable hearing it.

 

This is how affairs start at work, so nip it in the bud now before you slide into something you might regret.

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One can be friendly and civil at work. Nothing wrong with sharing experiences in life with fellow workers provided such is kept on a general subject. My boss loves to share his fishing experiences, skiing adventures, and hunting times. We get a kick out of this. Its socially acceptable and doesn't delve into the personal matters of his relations with others.

 

Maintain an even keel business relationship. Your self image gains a boost each time you stay within the appropriate mannerisms of a team player and not a sounding board for the boss.

 

Its highly unlikely that he has a crush, its more likely he is a welcoming person who at times needs to go into his mancave mode and block out others to gain grounding....

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