should I quit my job because I love my boss?

[brynn]

Hey everyone. I've always bounced around on this site, because I love all the advice most of you give and I finally motivated myself into making an account and posting this...incredibly difficult position I'm in.

 

I'm about 99% sure that I am in love with my boss. At first, it was up in the air, but now I'm about positive.

 

So, here's the deal. I'm 22 and he's 42; we're in the same field (writing) and I am his assistant/protege. He teaches me everything about the publishing industry and writing and I do anything else he needs -- scheduling, organizing projects, you know. Assistant sh#&.

 

He just recently got engaged to someone who he's been dating for a year and I just moved in with my boyfriend. I know what you must be thinking -- if you love someone else, why are you with someone who's not that person? Well, I can't be with my boss for like 17,000 reasons, so I'm trying incredibly hard to focus on my current relationship. I love my current boyfriend, too -- obviously. But...you know when you have a crush and you only see your crush every once in a while? Whenever you're apart, you're always thinking about them and then when you get together, it's like...heaven.

 

Basically it's taking everything I have in me not to quit my job or tell my boss that I harbor a secret, burning passion for him. I can't tell you how many times I've come close to doing that. IN FACT, I'm writing a Fiction story right now that is basically a girl confessing to her OLDER boss that she loves him. Like, HELLO subconscious, my name is My Life Sucks.

 

I doubt my boss knows. And he treats me really great and sometimes he flirts with me. Sometimes, I wonder if he wonders what I'm wondering -- what we could be like together. Because sometimes he really looks at me like really looks at me, you know? And, of course, I've caught him checking me out but I feel like that's kind of to-be-expected. And often, he has me come over to his house or travel with him to meetings when there's literally nothing for me to do when I get there. He always says he's going to "work in the car" which is why he sometimes asks me to drive him to far-away meetings, but he always ends up talking to me the whole way.

 

He also talks to me about his fiance all the time and all the things she does that annoy him and most recently, he's started saying things that allude to the fact that he thinks about me when I'm not around. "I met this woman who reminded me a lot of you." / "I went to this meeting and, man, you would have hated it."

 

I really need advice. Should I tell him? Should I quit? Jeez, I really don't want to quit...this job is so good for me and my career. I just don't know how much longer I can go on...wanting him and watching him be with someone else.

 

Please please help!!

[Got it]

Life would be much easier if you just didn't walk down that road both for your professional and personal life.

 

The BEST idea is what is best for you? If you don't want to break up with your boyfriend, I would find another place to work. If you really want to try and date your boss, break up with your boyfriend, find another place to work, and then tell him why and tell him to call you if he becomes available.

[damien201]

Do whatever it is that is going to make you happy.

 

It's all about the individual; nothing else really matters.

 

Yes, nothing else really matters....except for the other INDIVIDUALS you leave in your wake after you have an affair with your engaged boss and cheat on your boyfriend.

[CarrieT]

I'm about 99% sure that I am in love with my boss. At first, it was up in the air, but now I'm about positive.

Nope. You have an infatuation. You don't really know him in his personal and private life so you don't know enough about him to know him to love him. You have a sexual fantasy and that's about it.

 

He just recently got engaged to someone who he's been dating for a year

Reason #1 to do nothing.

 

and I just moved in with my boyfriend.

Reason #2 to do nothing.

 

I love my current boyfriend, too -- obviously.

Not obvious at all. You have this infatuation that will potentially ruin all of your lives if you don't act responsibly. You have a chance...

 

But...you know when you have a crush and you only see your crush every once in a while? Whenever you're apart, you're always thinking about them and then when you get together, it's like...heaven.

At least you are acknowledging it is a crush. And that "heaven" feeling? It is like a drug and you are feeding that drug but continuing the interaction.

 

I doubt my boss knows. And he treats me really great and sometimes he flirts with me. Sometimes, I wonder if he wonders what I'm wondering -- what we could be like together. Because sometimes he really looks at me like really looks at me, you know? And, of course, I've caught him checking me out but I feel like that's kind of to-be-expected. And often, he has me come over to his house or travel with him to meetings when there's literally nothing for me to do when I get there. He always says he's going to "work in the car" which is why he sometimes asks me to drive him to far-away meetings, but he always ends up talking to me the whole way.

You shouldn't be going there and you know it. Doesn't matter if he wonders what you are wondering.

 

I really need advice. Should I tell him?

For what purpose? To have an affair? To ruin four peoples' lives?

 

Should I quit? Jeez, I really don't want to quit...this job is so good for me and my career. I just don't know how much longer I can go on...wanting him and watching him be with someone else.

Yes, frankly, I think you should. You could be totally and completely honest with him and tell him that your feelings for him are inappropriate and destructive and the only recourse is to move on -- and see if he can help you find a new job and possibly give you a reference. Or, that could blow up in your face.

 

Personally, I would move on ASAP unless you can get your desires in check.

[Noise Electric]

Both you & your boss are being mentally unfaithful to your respective partners by being attracted to each other. All physical infidelity starts out as mental infidelity.

Also, any self-respecting 42 year old could not possibly be interested in anything a 22 year old has to say. It's not either of your faults, but you simply don't have the life experience that he has.

Also, if he's attracted to you, he probably has a serious case of Peter Pan syndrome. You would most likely end up hating this guy if you ever got with him.

 

If your feelings for your boss are interfering with your work, then get out. You don't necessarily have to quit - just change branches or departments, etc. to where you're not seeing this guy every day.

 

If you feel it's not interfering with your work, then stay where you are, but consider a few things:

1.) What qualities is your boyfriend missing that you're finding (or think you're finding) in your boss? You should discuss these issues with your boyfriend.

2.) If your boss flirts with you so easily, there's no telling how many other girls he acts exactly the same way with. It probably makes him feel "big" to flirt with lots of girls and have them respond in kind.

3.) How would you feel if you were his fiancée? He'd still be flirting with every girl at the office no matter who he's with. Do you really want a guy like that?

 

Best of luck with your decision. Tread carefully.

[Grumpybutfun]

brynn:

I had a situation like this from a female enlisted sailor when I was her CO. Naturally, being unaware, as my wife likes to say, I had no idea until one day when she comes into my office crying and saying that she has something to tell me that was important. I am thinking she was harmed or her parents had died or something. She was a little girl about your age, reminded me of my niece who is a bit younger. This sailor tells me that she thinks I am handsome (she used the word "hot" but I completely feel odd using that word because I am old) and has loved me for months and that she has to let me know because she thinks we could be great together. She knows I am married but she would be so much better for me because my wife is older and she would be better in bed . There was a bunch of other stuff that made no sense to me and I remember not knowing if maybe this was some prank. I was completely shocked and definitely a little pissed off. I picked up my phone, called one of the female chiefs who was a straight-talker and was good with diffusing female "situations." I ordered the kid to stay in her seat. She looked bewildered.

 

I felt like a hardass when I reminded her of the rules of serving in the US military, fraternization, respect for my position as her senior officer, yadda, yadda, yadda. When the female chief comes in to question her, she tells her that I smiled once at her in the hall, I listened to her when she was having family problems (that was part of my job to help her adjust to military life,) and that I tutored her especially for a test (Uh, yes because she needed help and the instructors were at their wits end with her, and she was on the cusp of failing the program. I had a female assistant sitting just outside my open door.) She also said that I "checked" her out (I can assure you I was most likely making sure the little dumbass had her uniform up to code as she had been cited by her instructor two times prior, so in that sense I was checking her out.) Aside from making sure that she understood that she is a sailor and that I do not have any feelings for her other than professional ones including making sure she is prepared for her military assignment, the only thing I felt was extremely annoyed.

My colleagues were in shock because I make newly enlisted cry all the time due to my indelicate way of getting them to cut the chord with mommy and my focus on rules and regulations. I got teased unmercifully for being such a hunka burning love and Romeo...the whole thing just pissed me off and amused my wife and female colleagues to no end. My nickname was the Professor and after that they called me Casanova for an entire month. Drove me insane. My wife said I was the only man she knew who could be sexually harassed by a subordinate in the military....teasing was just bad.

 

My point is that being on the receiving end of a girlish crush isn't flattering to all of us. Being pursued by a subordinate in the workplace should be considered sexual harassment because if it is reciprocated, it is by law sexual harassment by the "boss." Read the threads on here about the boss being a creep or taking advantage of workers on the Infidelity boards. We have one now who is losing her family, her job and her lifestyle because she let a boss seduce her and her husband found out. Do not pursue this as it isn't professional.

 

I know the circumstances are different, but maybe he is just obtuse in general or flattered by your attention. Be careful with this. He may be using you for a sounding board on his fiancé which is completely unprofessional, but regardless of whether he is into you or not, this is just a crush on someone you see in a power position. Don't put a blight on your career and your relationship with bf by entertaining any more ideas about your boss. Be a professional and push the crush away...choices define your character and this choice may be a big definer of yours. Be professional, be loyal to your bf, and make the choice not to wade into a toxic situation which may, or may not, be reciprocated.

Good Luck,

Grumps

Edited October 25, 2013 by Grumpybutfun

[brynn]

Should I have specified I'm not a harlet? I would never ever cheat on my boyfriend or even SUGGEST that my boss cheat on/leave his fiancée for me. I don't want to have an affair.

 

Honestly, I'm just wondering if this is something I should tell him about. Or if it's too messy and I should quit. General consensus sounds like don't tell him.

 

 

Grumps, thanks for your thoughtful response. It was really helpful.

[pteromom]

Honestly, I'm just wondering if this is something I should tell him about. Or if it's too messy and I should quit. General consensus sounds like don't tell him.

 

DEFINITELY do not tell him. What could you possibly have to gain by that?

 

If his response is "I feel the same way", then what? You leave your bf and he leaves his fiance and you quit your job and then life is REALLY messy and lots of people are hurt.

 

If his response is "I don't know what you are talking about! I am only interested in a professional relationship", then you are hurt and crushed.

 

If his response is "This is very inappropriate", then you have a situation like grumpy's where he's calling in HR and sending you to a therapist and filing paperwork to protect himself from his "stalker".

 

There's just no winning scenario by you telling him.

 

But also - why quit just because you can't get a handle over your emotions? This is the fire that forges you... builds your integrity, sharpens your self-worth, raises your bar. This is called growing up... don't run from it.

 

Instead, you need to start re-programming yourself not to fantasize about him. It's hard, and it takes pushing down some very pleasant feelings, which is hard to do. But you can do it. Quit imagining him as this perfect lover who is in tune with you, and instead, start imagining BAD stuff when you fantasize. He can't get it up. He is not clean and smells like poop. He yells out his fiance's name. Whatever you can think of that turns your idealization of him into something... else. When you feel yourself getting all moony-eyed over him, stop yourself and think about your boyfriend instead (I know that's more difficult because you already know all his negative traits, whereas you are imagining that your boss has none.)

 

You can do it. Be tough and strong and rise above this crush.

[brynn]

but also - why quit just because you can't get a handle over your emotions? This is the fire that forges you... Builds your integrity, sharpens your self-worth, raises your bar. This is called growing up... Don't run from it.

 

Instead, you need to start re-programming yourself not to fantasize about him. It's hard, and it takes pushing down some very pleasant feelings, which is hard to do. But you can do it.

 

thank you so much