my student was exceptionally nervous around me

[iwanttobeagoodwoman]

So, this semester it happened that I was partly tutoring a group of university students. We had 3 sessions in total. And there was this guy (handsome, geeky, with glasses) in the first 2 sessions, who kept asking questions actively, participating, and in general seemed quite straightforward/confident. His confidence was even "annoying" at times.

 

In the last session, after the class was finished and everyone left, he stayed a bit longer because he wanted to ask me some questions about the final project/assessment. The thing is that suddenly he was so freaking nervous (during the class he was normal)! I almost didn't recognize him.

 

I told him to sit beside me in order to see my computer screen better, and he replied "no, no, don't worry, I can see from here (standing)". Then, he was talking so fast, rapidly, nervously, almost like a robot! In between the nervous talking there were some self-conscious comments, like "now you must think i am not very acquainted with the subject", "seems i am taking up your time", "sorry for speaking loudly!" (he really tried not to speak very loud, I don't know why, there was no one to annoy there) and "sorry for almost demolishing the furniture". Yes, he almost knocked down a cupboard next to him. After a bit more of the "chatting" he said goodbye and left fast (almost ran away).

 

I am not by any means a rude or nervous person. I am quite friendly and calm/composed but this was really out of the blue.

 

Why when we were on the group he was normal, and when we were alone he was so nervous?

Has it ever happened to you?

Could it be that he fancies me, or he is anxious about something else (e.g. the project)?

[TaraMaiden]

Confident in company.

 

Nervous alone, around women.

 

I'd just ignore it.

[iwanttobeagoodwoman]

Confident in company.

 

Nervous alone, around women.

 

I'd just ignore it.

 

I just don't get why this sudden change. How can that happen?

Is is common for a 21-year old to feel nervous around a woman who is not much older than him? (i'm 25). I think in this age men are more or less used in the idea of interacting with women!

[TaraMaiden]

You think wrong.

He's still a 'boy'.

 

He has still quite a bit of growing up to do, and is in all likelihood still a virgin.

 

No matter that you're only slightly older than he is, you're in a position of authority. So it's natural that he might be slightly in awe of you....

 

Furthermore as a woman, you mature more quickly in certain psychological areas.

 

here, read this:

 

it may help you evaluate your students more critically.

[iwanttobeagoodwoman]

You think wrong.

He's still a 'boy'.

 

He has still quite a bit of growing up to do, and is in all likelihood still a virgin.

 

No matter that you're only slightly older than he is, you're in a position of authority. So it's natural that he might be slightly in awe of you....

 

Furthermore as a woman, you mature more quickly in certain psychological areas.

 

here, read this:

 

it may help you evaluate your students more critically.

 

Thanks, interesting article, but I am still puzzled. How can I use it to evaluate someone who (a) seems very confident, (b) asks the questions with the most depth, © usually speaks formally, always politely (d) has this core change of behaviour? (i understand that he must be inexperienced with women, but I am just a tutor and was only explaining him an example!). I mean he is not like a boy mentally at all, but maybe he is emotionally (but again, he always behaved very formally!).

[TaraMaiden]

The only way it is necessary for you to evaluate him, is academically.

His social construct is his concern.

 

Ignore his patterns of social behaviour.

It's not for you to either make allowances for him, or try to divine how his mind set works.

All you need to do is to teach, assess and instruct him as part of a whole.

 

I'm thinking you found it flattering and frankly, you just wonder if he fancies you, because it would be a boost to your ego. And you want to know how best to engage with him in order to put him at ease in your one-to-one presence.....

That's what I'm reading between the lines, anyhow....

[iwanttobeagoodwoman]

Of course i did find it flattering, and my ego is boosted, but most of all i found this exceptionally sweet I'm not sure i want to put him at ease, but i found this behaviour very interesting since i never encountered it before (now that i'm thinking about it, maybe i posted in the wrong area of the forum, shall i try another?)

 

As for the academic part, i have pre-defined and transparent specific taxonomy of course objectives which i also use as criteria for the assessment and the final feedback. Maybe I should add a "hotness" factor

[TaraMaiden]

Oh stop it.

Be sensible.

I think you found it more than flattering, and i think you're letting your imagination run away with you.

The last thing you want or need to do, as a formal class tutor is to encourage 'crushes'.

 

I really think you need a reality check.

you're there to teach, not to pull.

 

You have to completely distance yourself from any form of connection to him, or any other male student, while you are in a position of authority.

 

Grow up and stop being such a wet-head.

[anne1707]

You are a tutor to this student hence it is a BUSINESS relationship not a dating one. It would be highly inappropriate and unprofessional for you to take things further (which is what I assume you want from the way you are posting).

Edited June 8, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[iwanttobeagoodwoman]

Who said I am flirting with my students? I am friendly yes, but I am also very professional and transparent.

 

At the same time I have every right to feel whatever I want, for whoever I want, and also joke about it in private. To be honest, I don't get your anger. Maybe you have a son who is a university student?

 

 

Oh stop it.

Be sensible.

I think you found it more than flattering, and i think you're letting your imagination run away with you.

The last thing you want or need to do, as a formal class tutor is to encourage 'crushes'.

 

I really think you need a reality check.

you're there to teach, not to pull.

 

You have to completely distance yourself from any form of connection to him, or any other male student, while you are in a position of authority.

 

Grow up and stop being such a wet-head.

[TaraMaiden]

Who said I am flirting with my students? I am friendly yes, but I am also very professional and transparent.

 

At the same time I have every right to feel whatever I want, for whoever I want, and also joke about it in private. To be honest, I don't get your anger. Maybe you have a son who is a university student?

 

No, but I'm old enough to be your mother, and I can tell a flighty unprofessional person when I see one.

 

And no, you can't feel whatever you want for whomever you want - not if it jeopardises your position and theirs in the hierarchy of the teaching establishment you are employed in.

 

How would going to the principal and discussing this with them, go down?

Not very favourably, i suspect.

 

if you're so professional, rise above this, put it out of your mind and behave like the professional tutor the school hired.

Not like some scatterbrained filly whose head has been turned by an instant of flattery.

[iwanttobeagoodwoman]

You are a tutor to this student hence it is a BUSINESS relationship not a dating one. It would be highly inappropriate and unprofessional for you to take things further (which is what I assume you want from the way you are posting).

 

Well, right NOW, in the assessment period, I would not date him. But how about after he graduates, or my duties end? (because i tutor as a duty, it is not a paid job, and it will finish with my degree, which means soon).

 

But we are taking a conceptual leap, aren't we? We haven't even discussed about whether he is nervous about the project or me.

[HokeyReligions]

Who said I am flirting with my students? I am friendly yes, but I am also very professional and transparent.

 

At the same time I have every right to feel whatever I want, for whoever I want, and also joke about it in private. To be honest, I don't get your anger. Maybe you have a son who is a university student?

 

I agree you can feel whatever you want. I think its good you asked for some feedback in a place not connected to you. You'll read a lot of varied responses here and some you won't like. They may make you feel defensive but that too will help you guage what your response may be to live feedback should you share this with colleagues.

 

Some people who seem confident a nd relaxed with a crowd become uncomfortable and nervous or withdrawn when in a one-to-one situation. Some may try to overcompensate for the absence of others and even become very clumsey. Its just how some people are especially at a young age or maybe not having much experience.

 

You are young too and like you said - you have never experienced this before. Chances are you will again in the future especially in a profession of authority where your job is to teach others.

[iwanttobeagoodwoman]

I agree you can feel whatever you want. I think its good you asked for some feedback in a place not connected to you. You'll read a lot of varied responses here and some you won't like. They may make you feel defensive but that too will help you guage what your response may be to live feedback should you share this with colleagues.

 

Some people who seem confident a nd relaxed with a crowd become uncomfortable and nervous or withdrawn when in a one-to-one situation. Some may try to overcompensate for the absence of others and even become very clumsey. Its just how some people are especially at a young age or maybe not having much experience.

 

You are young too and like you said - you have never experienced this before. Chances are you will again in the future especially in a profession of authority where your job is to teach others.

 

thanks for being nice and answering something very logical as well

[TaraMaiden]

Really?

 

Nice...?

Questionable.

If i was this boy's mother and I saw you posting this, I'd feel very unsure about your attitude and professionalism....

 

Logical?

 

Tell me where i wan't being logical?

[iwanttobeagoodwoman]

Really?

 

Nice...?

Questionable.

If i was this boy's mother and I saw you posting this, I'd feel very unsure about your attitude and professionalism....

 

Logical?

 

Tell me where i wan't being logical?

 

First of all he is not a boy, he is an independent adult. I don't think he asks his mum's permission any longer.

 

Even the most professional people have feelings and form opinions about the people they interact with. And yes, we professionals think of some people as sweet or handsome, what is wrong with that?

 

---

The previous reply was nice, without assumed characterizations. And logical because the author replied to my questions exactly.

Edited June 8, 2013 by iwanttobeagoodwoman
spelling error

[TaraMaiden]

Chronologically, he may be an adult.

Physically? mentally (as I showed you)? Far from it.

 

And I would presume that if the establishment is funded, his parents are paying for his education.

Therefore - they are paying your salary.

And you are being paid to teach him, not flirt with him or consider him 'cute'.

Therefore I think they would have every right to have a say in how you should behave towards their son.

 

Even the most professional people have feelings and form opinions about the people they interact with. And yes, we professionals think of some people as sweet or handsome, what is wrong with that?

 

Nothing at all.

providing you remain detached and distant and do not permit your personal feelings to influence your attitude, behaviour or deportment in front of one of your students.

 

The previous reply was nice, without assumed characterizations. And logical because the author replied to my questions exactly.

I assumed nothing.

I went entirely on the information you provided and the feelings you revealed.

 

And I responded. Exactly.

It would appear from the 'likes' I received that others agreed with my opinions.

 

You can protest and sulk all you like.

You're in danger of over-stepping the mark.

As a teacher, I would caution you to be very careful about showing your hand too visibly.

It could land you in a world of trouble.

[HokeyReligions]

Well, right NOW, in the assessment period, I would not date him. But how about after he graduates, or my duties end? (because i tutor as a duty, it is not a paid job, and it will finish with my degree, which means soon).

 

But we are taking a conceptual leap, aren't we? We haven't even discussed about whether he is nervous about the project or me.

 

My opinion on possibly dating him or any student soon after having been his teacher would probably have a negative impact on your short-term, maybe even long term, career goals or progression. Perception will be that you had something going while still teaching and employers are going to consider that especially if (when) parents get involved even if their only involvement is to mention to another teacher or student that their son is dating a former teacher.

 

There is a lot to consider. If in a couple of years you see each other and he's out of school and asks you out you can consider the "climate" then.

[iwanttobeagoodwoman]

Chronologically, he may be an adult.

Physically? mentally (as I showed you)? Far from it.

 

And I would presume that if the establishment is funded, his parents are paying for his education.

Therefore - they are paying your salary.

And you are being paid to teach him, not flirt with him or consider him 'cute'.

Therefore I think they would have every right to have a say in how you should behave towards their son.

 

 

 

Nothing at all.

providing you remain detached and distant and do not permit your personal feelings to influence your attitude, behaviour or deportment in front of one of your students.

 

 

I assumed nothing.

I went entirely on the information you provided and the feelings you revealed.

 

And I responded. Exactly.

It would appear from the 'likes' I received that others agreed with my opinions.

 

You can protest and sulk all you like.

You're in danger of over-stepping the mark.

As a teacher, I would caution you to be very careful about showing your hand too visibly.

It could land you in a world of trouble.

 

Sure, you showed me, please remind me, which scientific journal was your link from and which was the exact connection with the behavior of my student? If I was a parent I would be puzzled about sending my child to someone who cannot make a logical deduction.

 

I am also not a teacher nor a professor, I am a tutor. I provide assistance. Within the educational organization i am anonymous and also a student (who is not paid). You will ask, how come I am the one assessing? I don't know, I think it is because I am a bad professional and I flirt (again, where did I say that I flirt with my students? I must have forgotten).

 

If "likes" make you feel better, here, I will give you one.

[prettycutesoul]

So what's the point with your question? Do you want us to tell you he finds you attractive? Are you planning to ask him out? Or do you just want to have ego boost and just want to talk about it? Like where is this going? Just wondering

[anne1707]

OP

 

 

How about answering these questions:

• do you find him attractive?
  
• if you and he had not interacted as student/tutor, do you think you would have made a point of interacting with him?
  
• would you like to date him?
  
• what impact on your career would dating him have?
  
• how would you feel/act if you tried to take it further and he just did a WTF and reported you to your seniors?
  
• why are you being so defensive when people say it is inappropriate for you to have a relationship with a student?
  
• how would you feel if a professor at your college made a move on you? Would you think he was being unprofessional?
  

[iwanttobeagoodwoman]

My opinion on possibly dating him or any student soon after having been his teacher would probably have a negative impact on your short-term, maybe even long term, career goals or progression. Perception will be that you had something going while still teaching and employers are going to consider that especially if (when) parents get involved even if their only involvement is to mention to another teacher or student that their son is dating a former teacher.

 

There is a lot to consider. If in a couple of years you see each other and he's out of school and asks you out you can consider the "climate" then.

 

I understand what you mean. Maybe I should mention that I am not in the US, but in the Mediterranean. In my country universities are free of charge and public. Parents don't pay anything (well, they pay taxes, but again the payment is not direct). So, if you happen to be a professor's associate or a researcher, you may assist a professor on their duties unofficially (which means you don't appear in the curriculum or nowhere else).

[iwanttobeagoodwoman]

So what's the point with your question? Do you want us to tell you he finds you attractive? Are you planning to ask him out? Or do you just want to have ego boost and just want to talk about it? Like where is this going? Just wondering

 

As I said I am curious because I never saw anyone as nervous as this person. The ego is already boosted.

[TaraMaiden]

Sure, you showed me, please remind me, which scientific journal was your link from and which was the exact connection with the behavior of my student?

All the references you seek are within the article.

The connection with the behaviour of your student is that neurally, he's not 'fully cooked' yet. His mental agility and rationale are not sufficiently mature to be able to negotiate his feelings in a logical and rational manner.

His feelings are probably confused and disoriented. he probabl;y didn't know what the hell was going on....

 

If I was a parent I would be puzzled about sending my child to someone who cannot make a logical deduction.

Clarify?

 

I am also not a teacher nor a professor, I am a tutor. I provide assistance. Within the educational organization i am anonymous and also a student (who is not paid).

You failed to make that clear at the onset of this discussion.

You clearly stated you were tutoring a group of students.

it could be a language problem.

In the UK a tutor is a teacher.

 

You will ask, how come I am the one assessing? I don't know, I think it is because I am a bad professional and I flirt (again, where did I say that I flirt with my students? I must have forgotten).

I never said you flirted. I never even mentioned the word.

You were the first to do so.

 

If "likes" make you feel better, here, I will give you one.

The implication is that my opinion is in the majority.

You're young.

I'm sure you have a long, illustrious and successful career ahead of you.

learn from this, I urge you.

 

You will probably read that as patronising.

That is your prerogative; however it is in no way intended to be so.

 

I wish you well.

[HokeyReligions]

I understand what you mean. Maybe I should mention that I am not in the US, but in the Mediterranean. In my country universities are free of charge and public. Parents don't pay anything (well, they pay taxes, but again the payment is not direct). So, if you happen to be a professor's associate or a researcher, you may assist a professor on their duties unofficially (which means you don't appear in the curriculum or nowhere else).

Oh. I guess I jumped to a conclusion- a common human trait!

 

I was thinking that you are a teacher or studying to get a teachers license and this was part of your requirement or internship.

 

That changes my point of view. I was volunteered to be a tutor when I was in school and was also tutored. In both cases there was a curriculum of sorts in that I and my "students" (all two of them!) Had to meet preset goals. - as did I as a tutee. One of the girls being tutored with me did date the tutor after all classes were out and we were between semesters. They didn't last long and there were no repercussions that I recall.