3 months after break up and still feel rubbish

[edward34]

Hello I’ve been in a strange relationship for about 4 years now. (Hope this is readable, I am dyslexic)

 

Met her when I was doing auditions for a film and we got talking and things went from there. We started seeing each other and liked each others company, so basically we fell for one another very quick. I was at this point living near London and she was living near Manchester so there was a distance as first.

 

We always talked on phone and texted all the time, after a year or so I moved closer to Manchester and we saw a bit more of each other, we did really enjoy our time together and were very close, always talked about everything and helped each other when we could.

However the strange thing is that she still lived with her X, and two kids, slept in the same bed with her x and told me that they never had sex as it was over.

 

She always said that she was waiting to move out when she got money and when her daughter turned 18. I accepted this because I really cared about her, but now I am thinking what I fool I have been.

 

Anyway a year and half into my move, she got an opportunity to make a film, when this happened, communication stared to become less and less, we still talked but it not often, then I did not see her for 9 months due to her work. Several months after this I moved again to be closer to her, that’s what we both wanted and she loved the idea that I would be closer.

Again communication was less and we did not really see each other even though I was only twenty minutes from her. I guess I saw her about 5 times in 14months.

 

The biggest piss take was that I was always there for her, saying how proud I was of her and that I was really happy that she was getting what she wanted from life, so even when we did not see each other I was there regardless.

 

The film she was doing took over and I became nothing at the end, we still again talked but not much... anyway after her worked finished, she started going on about people wanted to know her more in what she was doing and was getting more attention not just in the media field but also from men. This is funny as she only seemed to call when she was drunk late at night.

 

A few weeks ago she told me that she had some interests but was not interested and felt so lost in life; from this she said she needed a back seat from us to clear her head. I agreed to this, but missed her like hell for the weeks that passed by.

Then out of the blue she text me, I called her and she asked me if I had met anyone. I said no, why would I, I returned the same question and was shocked to have been told she had been sleeping with someone for the past 3 weeks. I was totally devastated that I went silent. The next day I told her how hurt I was that she moved on so quickly and could not believe she did not say anything.

 

A few day later I called her to say I had written her an email to say how I was feeling, but she replied was I trying to hurt her. All I was trying to do was say how hurt I was and that I was devastated.

This is where she turned nasty, she not only told me this guy name, but what films he was in, how well he was doing. She also told me how much of a person I was to her, that she was in love with me once, but she fell in love easy.

She said that my family never liked her, even though I stuck up for her and said that she was more to me then my family and should not matter what they thought as I was happy with her.

 

I was called all sorts, even jealousy and felt very small and to make the wound deeper after I was crying she said that she had to go as the conversation was going round in circles, this was only 40mins out of 4 years.

I stuck up with her with all sorts of crap, and got this rubbish. Some times she would have to come of the phone as her x would come into the room and she would hang up. Several times she would tell me that she watched a friend jerk off on web camera while she watched him because she was bored, and I accepted it, even though I was angry.

 

She also told me one night that she was planning to see the same guy because she was bored but told me that she was not going to because she loved me and missed me.

 

Now everywhere I go, I keep seeing this guys she seeing’s DVD and image on screen and in shops, I am also more likely going to see her someplace on screen, how can I escape and let go when this is so in your face. Did she deliberately tell me this guy’s name and what films he is in? Why?

 

When we met she said she felt so alone, that she was struggling in life and that the people around her did not care and did not have many friends in her life.

 

Now she has hit the big time, met someone else and has plenty of people of interest I feel that all I was, was a toy while she waited for things to get better.

 

After 4 years, I have never felt so alone and so back stabbed by someone I would never have thought in a million years would do that. She sent me a text a few weeks ago saying that it killed her that I hated her, but when I replied in a long text I got nothing back.

 

It was my birthday the other day and I got nothing then either and have been totally ignored.

I have been told not to contact her, and use the no contact rule, but why would I want to anyway. And why do I still care after what she did?

 

The town I moved to is Bolton, a real dead town, I don’t have any friends there or family and family don’t seem to care. I actually have never felt so alone in my life and so lost in who I am and what I am doing. Every day is a battle of emotions, am I going to see this guy’s face on TV or DVD or her’s?

No one wants to talk to me about it or does not seem to care. I get up late in the day and do not want to anything. I feel angry at the world and so emotionally torn up inside at what’s happened. I am angry for allowing things to happen and miserable in what I am not doing. I am now again planning to move but do not know where to.

 

I have joined a dating site but feel I am rushing myself and feel I can’t trust again or let anyone in, I also feel I will lever meet the rite person or get back on track again in my career.

 

I feel very lost at the moment and feel so angry, don't want to do anything but feel fearfull that i am loosing my way.

 

Its now been three months since and still feel so angry that i did not say anything, i feel like a big fool that i let it happen and keep having strange dreams and now feel like whats the point.