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Midnight Magic

I am in love with a married co-worker, and this just did not happen overnight.

Through work we have had an emotional relationship, and we got to know each other very well.

First it was just friends, and now it is getting further.

We can not wait for the other co-workers to leave the office so we can have one of our make out sessions.

We have talked about going all the way, and in the office we have to go to many out of town meetings so it is only a matter of time before it happens.

I am not lying , I want it to happen, he is what I need in my life, I want to be with someone like him, as I have spent too much time in loser relationships. I am in one now for the last 6 years and I am completely ignored, my needs and wants are not being met at all.

I get more out of a make out session that I get from my b/f in a month.

 

I know it is wrong but how much longer can I feel neglected and put aside. The co-worker knows this.

I am glad that he is out of the office this week, so I can not feel so guilty for one week.

 

Your thoughts appreciated.

Please dont be hard on me, I did not want to fall in love with him.

It just happened over the course of time.

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...I want to be with someone like him, as I have spent too much time in loser relationships.

You're just adding one more to the list.

 

I am in one now for the last 6 years and I am completely ignored, my needs and wants are not being met at all. I get more out of a make out session [with my mm] than I get from my b/f in a month...The co-worker knows this.

Yeah, no duh. This kind of fella has a sixth sense that can tell when a young woman is vulnerable. I won't bash you, but why not fast forward six months and see if you like where you'll be following this path. If you MUST have a cheap affair behind your bf's back, at least keep it out of the office, because the only way you can truly get closure on the eventual train wreck of an office affair is by quitting your job. What are you getting from your boyfriend that's keeping you with him?

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I agree with Sole.....

 

Why don't you consider dumping BOTH guys and finding yourself ONE GUY who treats you how you wish to be treated?

 

Also, keep in mind......if you sleep with this co-worker and get caught......you have a wife to face, a boyfriend to face and the possibility of an unemployment line to face. Some things, as fun as they may seem, aren't worth it. Keep the office flirt, it breaks the monotony of the day, but really give it some thought before taking it any further.

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Midnight Magic

I guess I feel sorry for him as he has an illness and he needs someone to take care of him, much of it is that he is too lazy to manage his own illness, so I do everything to keep his illness out of control. This is at the expense of my needs.

 

Like I was pregnant several months ago and I really wanted this baby, and the b/f talked me out of it, and I had an abortion and now I am resentful and hateful towards him, because for once I listened to him and now I have to live with this decision for the rest of my life. Yes I am stupid. I am very vulnerable, and I just need someone to love me for me, I am not asking for too much.

 

Everyone out there has someone to love them and respect them and to have fun times together, I am no different. Am I such a bad person for looking for love in the wrong place, yes, I know this, but I feel so lonely and so empty that I do not know how to feel anymore.

 

And this married guy makes me feel alive, and for once in my life I am happy at work, and it makes me a better person when I go home and take care of the b/f and all the bills and all the household and vehicle needs, I do it all, I have no one to help me or give a rats ass about me.

 

I told the married guy about the abortion and he told me that I should have left the relationship and raised the baby on my own if this is what would have made me happy. To tell you all the truth I have no idea what would make me happy.

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Originally posted by Midnight Magic

I am in love with a married co-worker, and this just did not happen overnight.
Ok, so you are in love -- love is great.

 

 

Through work we have had an emotional relationship, and we got to know each other very well.
Getting to know someone at work is okay--its not like meeting somebody at a bar. At work you can talk about each others lives, see what their work ethics are like and their priorities. You may be able to relax with them at office lunches or birthday parties -- but they are still in their work mode.

 

First it was just friends, and now it is getting further.
Feelings do develop. Nothing wrong with that.

 

We can not wait for the other co-workers to leave the office so we can have one of our make out sessions.
Whoa! Back the hormone truck up. You just jumped from something that occurs -- feelings -- to something you TOTALLY have control over and that is your actions. You have both made a decision to be selfish and to knowingly hurt other people whom you [supposedly] love. That is viscious thing to do.

 

We have talked about going all the way, and in the office we have to go to many out of town meetings so it is only a matter of time before it happens.
"It" is not going to just happen -- you will DECIDE and act on your decision to make it happen--or not. It is in your control and to think otherwise is pure ignorance.

 

I am not lying , I want it to happen,
Okay, so it's not ignorance--you want "it" to happen and have already made the decision

 

he is what I need in my life,
Is he? No one 'needs' a married man in their life. It's a want and not a need.

 

I want to be with someone like him,
Well, here you go -- you want to be with someone LIKE him. Whatever it is that he gives to you -- whatever void you think he fills is what you are looking for in a man. But it does not have to be THIS man. He is MARRIED and a married man who has an affair is already in the loser category.

 

as I have spent too much time in loser relationships. I am in one now for the last 6 years and I am completely ignored, my needs and wants are not being met at all.
What constitues a 'loser' relationship to you? At what point do you decide the relationship is lost? What do you do about it? Do you do anything about it? What about your current relationship of 6 years? Why are you still in a relationship if you are not happy? Have you talked to the man about it? Why don't you leave? Why stay?

 

I get more out of a make out session that I get from my b/f in a month.
Is the relationship all about sex or 'making out'? At certain points in peoples lives sex is the top priority in a relationship. There is nothing wrong with that at all -- but recognize that people's priorities change over time. If it's just sex that you want, then don't make any commitments to any one man and go out and have fun with SINGLE men. If a physical thing was all that held your relationship together before then it wasn't much of a relationship at all. Leave it and let the guy move on with his life.

 

I

know it is wrong but how much longer can I feel neglected and put aside.
It is YOUR responsibility to make sure your needs are met with your SO. If you feel neglected then it is up to YOU to discuss it with your SO and fix it or leave it. You certainly do know how much longer you can feel this way, you will feel this way however long you choose to.

 

T

he co-worker knows this.
I'm sure he does. Anyone who is going to cheat and hurt someone they made a promise to not hurt, is going to encourage whatever attitude is needed for their own physical selfish pleasure.

 

I am glad that he is out of the office this week, so I can not feel so guilty for one week.
If you only feel guilty when he is in the office then you have some serious moral/ethic problems. You don't have to feel guilty about feelings -- married people fall out of love and go on to find new loves all the time -- but to ACT upon those feelings and deliberatly hurt and humilate others because of pure ignorance and selfishness is something you should feel guilty about all the time -- not just when he is in town.

 

Your thoughts appreciated.

Tell him to leave his wife right now. Tell him that you will have nothing to do with him until he is free to pursue a relationship with you. Tell your bf the same thing and leave that relationship.

 

Please dont be hard on me, I did not want to fall in love with him.
You may think I am being hard on you -- but I am telling you my thoughts which is what you asked for. I didn't set out to fall in love with my spouse - if I had I would have said I will BE in love instad of saying "fall" in love. A fall cannot be controlled. But acting on your feelings is what you have control over.

 

It just happened over the course of time.
That's how LOVE happens. "make-out sessions" and sex do not just happen. You don't bump into each other in a hallway and suddenly find his penis in your vagina. You have to be at least partially naked first and that means conscious thought and a decision.
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Everyone out there has someone to love them and respect them and to have fun times together, I am no different.

Any fun times you may have together are not about respect or love. His wife is his life, you are his secret. As far as he's concerned, you are part of his daily work routine. He realizes that only a bit of manipulation, which you delude yourself into perceiving as respect, can get him a lot of fun.

 

He's not the only one capable of making you feel this way.

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Wow - I can't believe what I'm hearing!!

 

Midnight - did the relationship fairy skip you?? I thought that she came along and sprinkled us all with her dust and then we just lived in happily ever after land????

 

Wake up!!

 

A relationship is work and you don't really want to bother working at yours. You want quick and easy. So take it. But please, let go of the poor man that thinks you love him. Let him go and let him find the type of person that he is more compatible with.

 

I think you got with your bf in the beginning to get out of one of your 'loser' relationships and wowee - the romance died - now you have found Prince Charming yet again - he fulfills all your needs - he is the one!! What about the woman he gave his name to?? I wonder how she feels - I guess it doesn't matter as long as you are getting fulfilled.

 

You need to work on yourself and become a better person and then the losers won't flock to you.

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Originally posted by Midnight Magic

I guess I feel sorry for him as he has an illness and he needs someone to take care of him, much of it is that he is too lazy to manage his own illness, so I do everything to keep his illness out of control. This is at the expense of my needs.
If he loved you he would not want you to sacrifice your own needs. If you loved him it wouldn't be a sacrifice. Feeling sorry for someone is not a relationship. Let the guy get a nurse and maybe even find someone who can accept his illness and live with it because they love him.

 

Like I was pregnant several months ago and I really wanted this baby, and the b/f talked me out of it, and I had an abortion and now I am resentful and hateful towards him, because for once I listened to him and now I have to live with this decision for the rest of my life. Yes I am stupid. I am very vulnerable, and I just need someone to love me for me, I am not asking for too much.
You let someone else talk you into a life altering event that went aginst what you wanted. You are too easily manipulated and its no wonder you are so unhappy. You won't find a happy relationship with anyone until you work on your own self issues. It's not stupidity or vulnerability. It sounds like you need some counseling to help you figure out how to be the person YOU want to be and stop trying to be the person others want you to be.

 

Everyone out there has someone to love them and respect them and to have fun times together, I am no different. Am I such a bad person for looking for love in the wrong place, yes, I know this, but I feel so lonely and so empty that I do not know how to feel anymore.
No, not everyone has someone. There are millions of single people who feel lonly too. You are not a bad person. You have to be in the right place to look for love and then look in the right places. You are in the wrong place to look because you are still attached to someone.

 

And this married guy makes me feel alive, and for once in my life I am happy at work, and it makes me a better person when I go home and take care of the b/f and all the bills and all the household and vehicle needs, I do it all, I have no one to help me or give a rats ass about me.
I don't have the energy to say what I'd like to say. If you feel so good when you are with this guy now, imagine how wonderful it would be if you were both free to pursue a relationship. If you are a single person living alone you would have to pay your bills and do all the chores too.

 

I told the married guy about the abortion and he told me that I should have left the relationship and raised the baby on my own if this is what would have made me happy. To tell you all the truth I have no idea what would make me happy.

At least he is advocating independence and not codependence!

 

You don't know what would make you happy and it doesn't sound like you will find it on your own. Really, a counselor may be able to help you sort it out.

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I wish my marriage had the passion that your affair has. Alas, once you've got someone, the magic is gone. If you are cheating on your 6-year-relationship, it is obviously time to move on. Even if your affair partner is going to stay married. See if you can find passion with someone else.

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I think you should deal with the root cause of your problem - your boyfriend. You can't stay with someone out of pity - it's not good for either of you. If you leave you will be free to find someone who is not married. You only see the positive at the moment because the married guy fulfills needs that are neglected in your current relationship. If you end up in a full blown affair you will be hooked and then become all too aware of all the negative things - your happiness will be determined by someone who can never put you first and love you as you want to be loved because he is married. Read some of the threads on this subject (the other man/woman) to see how these relationships usually end up making people feel bad about themselves and the pain they suffer. It's not worth the risk - you deserve better than this.

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Hiya Midnight!

 

Don't worry, you're not alone.. I'm in pretty much the same situation... except the married guy who I work with has asked me to wait for him until he sorts his personal life out. It's gonna be a lot of hassle and I don't know whether it'll ever happen... He is quite a bit older than me with 2 children and an insanely jealous wife. I know if he leaves there's gonna be a lot of trouble, but I'm prepared to put up with it if it means I have him at the end.

 

We only have an occasional kiss & cuddle, we've never gone any further, in fact we've purposely stopped ourselves going any further because we've both said we'd rather make it 'proper'.. But really, I don't know if we'll wait until everything is sorted out or one day our passions will get the better of us.

 

But I know how you feel totally, I didn't want to be in love with this guy... I'd been in an awful relationship and he encouraged me to leave and he helped me through once I had left. We got to know each other really well by seeing each other of a weekend outside of work and that's how it started.

 

Good luck, write to me anytime :)

 

Hayley x

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Midnight Magic

Thanks for all the advice, it really made sense, but it hurt me too. I realize that some of you think the worst about me, and maybe rightfully so.

 

I got to thinking about the other woman, and what I am doing to her and she does not even know it, so I wrote a long long e-mail to the married co-worker and I explained how rotten I feel because of what I am doing to him and his wife but to my b/f and meas well. I told him that we are co-workers and I want all the flirting and fun stuff to stop, sure we can talk but nothing else. It was hard, I automatically felt so empty and alone, this was last week.

 

To all those that doubt my love for my b/f, I love him and am truly dedicated to him. I work 2 jobs to pay all the bills, and to see that his special diet and other medical needs and treatment are taken care of. And at times I resent him because of his illness, and it is not fair to him for me to do that.

 

But at the same time is it fair to me, that he has no energy to love me, or see that my needs are met. Is it fair that everything is my responsibility, I feel as though I am drowning, I get up at 6 am and make him his snacks and meals because if I did not he would not do it for himself, he would be eating junkfood, and then I get to work at 8 and leave at 5, go home eat, rush off to work at 6-10, get home eat, clean house, and visit with the b/f and I am in bed at midnight. Like what kind of a life is this.

 

To those of you, who think I am a home wrecker, please .....I am not. I am just running ragged. I am feeling emotionally dead, and needed someone to talk to and this is how the work relationship started. Sorry, I just needed someone, and as usual I made another mistake.

 

My b/f had to be hospitalized this week, and I am feeling so guilty, like what else could I have done, and the truth is that there is nothing that I could have done.

I am going to look into getting some help, like someone to give me a break for a few hours per day so I am not running myself ragged. And to give me some time to myself, other than when I am sleeping. And even then I am constantly getting waken to get him things.

 

Thanks all for the advice. It was great and really got me thinking. The co-worker and I are just that. It was one of the hardest things that I had to do. Everyday gets a little better than the last. I know that in due time my b/f will get strong enough so that one day we can have our life back, and he can get strong enough for us to do things again.

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Midnight,

 

You are in an impossible position, you can't cope, you are doing your best. You have no need to apologise to strangers for making a mistake, for being human. Please do get help so you are better able to cope. I think you should also talk friends/family/therapist about how much of your desire to stay with your bf is because you love him and how much is guilt at the thought that maybe you do not love him enough - then you can make a decision about your future that is best for you and ultimately, best for him too. Well done for taking the first step but don't let that be the end of it. Rather let it be the start of a process that ends up with you happy, either within or outside of this relationship with your bf. You may find it helpful to read two recent threads started by women who have now or in the past struggled to cope with a disabled spouse (Hokey and Ardea) although your position is different not least because you are not married. All the best (sending Midnight Big Hugs).

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Midnigbt Magic

I guess my problem was that I needed someone to reach out and say that they cared about me, and that I have people who care about me and think that I am important. I just needed to hear it, or have someone show me feelings and let me know that hey I am alive.

 

The co-worker cares about me, I know that and I respect him for that. I just needed to know it.

That might sound pathetic. But honesty it was the way I was feeling.

 

But I have sorted out my feelings, and I am so relieved that I had the heart to say I do not want to wreck your life and marriage, like what would people think of me then, I am respected very highly in this job, and I want to keep it that way. And his wife is truly a very person, and I no longer have to worry about her finding out about us, because it is over, and I have accepted it. Yes the hurt is still there, but every day it gets lesser and lesser.

 

And I know that my b/f loves me and cares about me, even tho he rarely shows it, but his own doctor said that if it were not for me, he would be dead, or gravely ill. So I take comfort in that.

 

We are going to get thru this.....

Tough times don't last, tough people do......

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  • 4 weeks later...

Midnight Magic, I cant' read through all the posts so plz forgive me if someone else made this point. I can't believe the similarity to your and my story in one respect. I had an affair 19 yrs ago - I was single, he was married, I feel madly in love and ended up so much more deeply heartbroken than anything I could have imagined.

 

I also had had an abortion to please a previous BF (and my mother). I told my affair partner about it too. My affair partner listened and said he thought I'd get over it when I had children myself. I still remember the conversation, because it was so painful for me to tell him about it. I didn't believe him at the time - that I would in fact have children. I was still in shock about the abortion. I was young and couldn't see the future very well.

 

But here I am married now with two gorgeous kids. Of course nothing can undo the terrible pain I still sometimes feel when I think of my first pregnancy, but I have been able to come to terms with it.

 

What stands out about your guy's response is its...I'm sorry to have to say this...its heartlessness. He said - you have only yourself to blame!

 

Isn't this what he is going to say to you after he breaks your heart - don't blame me?

 

Affairs are really serious business. Your affair partner better have something *very* special to give you if you are going to risk total heartbreak.

 

My take on affairs now is, if you are in love, say so. Tell the person straight up - leave your partner and be with me, or it's over. And follow through.

 

Life is too hard to load yourself up with heartbreaks. A person can only take so much, and you are young, and you don't know what challenges are ahead of you. Be strong now, so you can be strong in the future.

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Midnight Magic

Well it is almost one month since I told the co-worker that we are only that. It is still a great feeling,and we both have our respect and dignity in tact. Yes we still talk about our problems, but there is no emotional attachment, no nothing, all it is, is conversation. I can not help but think what the hell was I thinking of what I was doing.

Thanks all to those who posted. And especially those who told me to talk to a counsellor. I would not do that, as all those who posted offered me such great advice, and to all I say thanks all.

 

Had things gone differently, I know that I would be heartbroken in the end, I would have broken up a great marriage, and I would not have had the chance to give my relationship another chance. And the truth is I really love and am dedicated to the b/f, it is just that I was resenting him because of his illness, a lot of selfishness on my part, but his illness doubled my responsibilities, and yes I did not know how to really actually handle it.

 

My b/f and I are getting along so much better, we actually talk more about what is going on in our relationship, and he is trying all that he can. He has gotten money from disability so I am not running myself ragged living off the one income, and I am home in time every night to cook us supper. Life is not all rosey, but we are making the most of it.

 

Someone told me once that tough times, don't last, but tough people do.

And for once I really and truly understand what it means. It describes us perfectly.

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That's so good to hear, MM. Good luck to you. It was very responsible of you to step away from a relationship with someone who's already taken.

Hope things continue to go well.

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I been married for 6 years. A year ago I felt like you. I have a friend who is very interesting, we had a lot in common and he had feeling for me. In my case I was the married one he was single, but had a grilfriend.

 

At the beginin I felt great. I felt I was on top of the world. The sex was amazing (he had 10 inches).

 

Later, the girl overwhelmed me. I also stated to appreciate more the connection I have with my husband. I started to undertand that the affair was not giveing what I needed. I ended the affair. I am now making my relationship a priority. My merriage is better than ever.

 

I never told my husband about the affair. Howver, i ended it and it isn't happening again.

 

Midnight ..... there is nothing wrong with you ...everyone makes mistakes.....and if you learn from them ....it only makes you stronger.

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