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Am I Too Immature to Handle This??


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I have been casually seeing a colleague at my workplace for about 6 months now. We usually work closely together, and seeing him makes the day go so much faster. We almost always have a drink or dinner after work every day I'm in (I'm casual - 2 days a week). Everything was fine when I showed up to work this morning, but he ended up being out of the office for most of the day, and only contacted me to get me to fax over a document which I had gone out of my way to prepare for him (not even a thank you, by the way).

 

Well by 6pm he still hadn't arrived back at the office. In the meantime, I had finished all my tasks and was sitting around for half an hour wondering when he would be back, feeling like an idiot and growing more upset about the situation. I eventually just left by myself. I got a call from him 15 minutes later, when he had presumably arrived back at work to find me gone. I knew if I spoke to him I would end up backing down. But instead of just letting it ring out, I deliberately picked up and hung up on him.

 

I expected him to be confused and maybe try to call again, but he hasn't. I have calmed down a bit now and regret how I handled the situation. He must see me as immature and irrational, although I was honestly pissed off about being shunted the whole day (is this reasonable??). In any case, I won't be seeing him for another week and don't have his phone number (I deleted it in anger). I hate feeling so awful; on the one hand I resent him for discarding me and on the other I don't want to jeaporadise our relationship over my sensitivity. It's annoying to leave things unresolved, but it looks like I don't have a choice.

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You're obviously taking this guy for granted. He is in no way obligated to accomodate your schedule. He is not obligated to you in any way. You have just become used to him acting in a certain way and, yes, it is a bit immature and borderline nuts to expect or demand that a homosapien behave in any particular way on any given day just because they have done so in the past. That's a terrible burden to put on somebody.

 

If you said nothing on the phone, tell him you dropped the phone on the receiver. If you lit into him, let him know you are very sorry and you were just unsettled about his not showing up as usual. Until the two of you are in a committed relationship and you have set rules of contact and engagement, when you see him or hear from him should be only as planned (and not as assumed) and there should be no taking things for granted. And NEVER EVER should you take somebody for granted when you're in a relationship. It's always nice to keep in mind that humans are free to act as they see fit.

 

Now, you have to decide what your true feelings are about this guy. If after a lot of thought you have feelings for him, rather than are just used to him being around, you need to have a talk and formalize things. This casual stuff has been going on a bit too long in the light of your feelings here.

 

I hope neither of you are married.

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I think you are right Tony. I never even considered that my actions constituted taking him for granted. It was unreasonable of me to expect him to be in a certain place at a certain time just because it was convenient for me. I guess what bothered me the most though was his lack of communication. He knew I would be waiting for him and didn't bother to tell me either way. I tend to go out of my way for him and it was dissapointing when I didn't get the same consideration in return.

 

When he rang I didn't speak to him, just immediately hung up. But I can't claim it was an accident because it was my mobile - and I have caller ID! Well I couldn't stand feeling so awful so last night I sent him an email. I ignored the phone issue (it could still have been an 'accident' in his mind), and asked him (nicely) if he wanted me to come into work today to finish off some stuff I was doing for him. I know he got the email this morning, but he hasn't emailed me back. I know he's busy but it seems like a deliberate brush off. I'm really upset.

 

Neither of us is married. We just aren't in the right stages of our lives to make a commitment yet. But I didn't realise how dependant on this guy I was until you pointed it out to me, Tony. Now I have to get through the weekend burdened by the thought that he is angry with me. What to do???

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I think you may be setting this guy false tests to try and establish how he feels about you and he may be failing them because he doesn't know what the hell is going on. If this sounds like you then it is a sign of insecurity. The possible solutions are : to develop more emotional resilience so you are less dependent; or to accept that you are unsuited and move on; or to be honest with him and explain that you would like the relationship to be a little less casual. Try and relax this weekend. Good luck.

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